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    Old 06-30-2007, 01:46 AM   #1
    mu-mu
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    weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Ok, this is very long, I do apologise.

    Something has been bothering me for a few weeks. I worked very closely with my former boss, and although we didnt work together very long, we had an excellent working relationship and I admired him very much. I also had a crush on him, but I never acted inappropriately or even outwardly flirted (as others did). During my time working with him, I received outstanding performance reviews and exceptional feedback on my work. He decided to leave for a higher paying position at another company. When he announced he was leaving, I was assigned to a new manager. Things have been terrible with this new manager, and work has become very difficult and most nights I go home extremely upset. The day before former boss left, he asked me to lunch. He was aware that the new manager was not doing a great job and that i was unhappy, and so I optomistically hoped he would ask me to work with him at his new company, it seemed like that kind of offer. When he asked me how things were, I broke down and vented all of my frustrations and emotions (I didnt cry but I am afraid I came across as very unprofessional but things have just been so terrible at work) and told him how much I loved working with him and how upset I was that he was leaving. He told me he wasnt able to recruit me at his new job b/c he signed something with the old company that prohibited this, but when he said that it became very akward because I felt like I had made him feel like I was begging him for a job. He said somewhat unconvincingly that I could apply but when I expressed interest he kind of brished it off. He also said, 'you are acting as though [his leaving is like] a boyfriend is leaving you,' and "I am sorry work is not 'turning you on' anymore' (turning on was a bit of a weird way to put things, but not completely as we work in an artistic field. He gave some (solid professional) advice on how to deal with new manager, but he made one comment, not jokingly, something like, 'use your feminine powers to get what you want, I am sure you know how to get a man wrapped around your little finger.' The lunch ended on friendly terms but I felt embarrassed that I had emoted so much to him. The next day I avoided him b/c I was embarrassed for having bitched about my current manager and essentially been rejected for a new job by my former manager, and felt like I had overestimated how much he liked working with me. But after thinking about it, do you think his comments were a bit out of line/ suggestive? He is about 20 years older than me and single. I am know as being the 'very bright one' and people tell me I am very pretty, and although I am pretty shy, I am also constantly told that the way I do things (walk, talk, eat, i dont know, play with my hair, etc) is 'sensual' (its not on purpose) so I dont think its absolutely out of the question that he would find me somewhat attractive. Before this lunch we had discussed continuing our relationship in the capacity of him being a professional career coach (an advantageous relationship in our profession, my coworkers have similar relationships with similar professionals ) but I dont know if I should feel weird about him not wanting to work with me at his new place and then saying things that were maybe a bit questionable? It would be the most logical that I would set up our next meeting for this, but before he left I was super shy, avoided and didnt say anything to him, even good bye (he was in a large crowd and i had to leave, but he didnt make a point of saying good-bye to me, which was weird) and I felt like I had already said everything I wanted to, perhaps too much so. Anyways, I am not sure exactly why he wanted to have lunch with me, as I never gave him a chance to talk. He is very strategic and I dont think he meant it as a social occassion, in fact when he asked me he gave me the very strong impression that it was to discuss future opportunities at his new company. What should I do? Did I blow a potential employment opportunity? Should I just leave him alone?

    Thank you so much for reading all of this, I am really conflicted, and would really appreciate any insight or advice on what happened...

     
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    Old 06-30-2007, 02:53 AM   #2
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    You say that your relations with the former boss were always strictly professional. I feel that you probably (unwelcomely) showed him another side of you as the vulnerable abandoned woman and it freaked him out. If that is the case, there is not much you can do about it. Maybe he WAS going to put out feelers about you following him, but has now got the idea that your feelings are not totally professional (hence the "left girlfriend" comment). I don't want to be cruel here, but I think his opinion of you may well be different now. I hope I am wrong, but anyway, it is never a good idea to vent negatively about work to a boss, unless it is an official grievance about something. Sera

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 03:17 AM   #3
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    yes it really was a bad move. i dont know what got into me, i have been under so much stress with my new boss. i think the best thing to do is just leave him alone unless he contacts me.

    I feel so horrible. Is there anything I can do to make it better?

    Last edited by mu-mu; 06-30-2007 at 03:50 AM.

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 04:20 AM   #4
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Well, this is a difficult one. I for one can only talk to you from my impressions. And my main impression is that your former boss' isn't a fair play. Honestly, I don't think he lays his cards on the table. If you opened up to him, it was basically because you thought you could trust him. I am not sure that you should. I am sorry to have to say so. I am sorry I am possibly confusing you, but this is my impression about this man. Despite the good relationship you had, I am afraid he looks down on you or something. You may be a great professional and an even brighter promise for the future, but it seems that he wants to manipulate you rather than let you bloom. I am confused myself.

    Let me say it again: I am primarily talking from the "vague" impressions I got about him from reading your post. I may be totally out of focus here, but there is no smoke without a fire, is there? If I were you, I would leave him alone, but of course this is something that only you can decide to do or not.

    If he ever contacts you again, and if you feel you must go up to him, you should procure transparency on his side.

    As for the new manager, I hope it is a temporary situation. Remember that in a job there are always ups and downs. It can't be a rosy garden all the time. May this difficult period of time give you strength and insight to cope with the future.

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 12:43 PM   #5
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    Well, this is a difficult one. I for one can only talk to you from my impressions. And my main impression is that your former boss' isn't a fair play. Honestly, I don't think he lays his cards on the table. If you opened up to him, it was basically because you thought you could trust him. I am not sure that you should. I am sorry to have to say so. I am sorry I am possibly confusing you, but this is my impression about this man. Despite the good relationship you had, I am afraid he looks down on you or something. You may be a great professional and an even brighter promise for the future, but it seems that he wants to manipulate you rather than let you bloom. I am confused myself.

    Let me say it again: I am primarily talking from the "vague" impressions I got about him from reading your post. I may be totally out of focus here, but there is no smoke without a fire, is there? If I were you, I would leave him alone, but of course this is something that only you can decide to do or not.

    If he ever contacts you again, and if you feel you must go up to him, you should procure transparency on his side.

    As for the new manager, I hope it is a temporary situation. Remember that in a job there are always ups and downs. It can't be a rosy garden all the time. May this difficult period of time give you strength and insight to cope with the future.
    Yes, I got a strange feeling from the whole thing, like why did he ask me to lunch? was he acting inappropriately with his somewhat weird comments? why does he look down on me? It seems like he doesnt put his cards on the table but at times he has treated me as somewhat as a confidante. I guess I trusted him b/c he paved the way for some of my promotions, etc.

    I acted very cold to him on his last day, I hope that cooled his impression that i was completely desperate. I am still so very embarrassed for having been so emotional.

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 05:34 PM   #6
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    It's not uncommon in the professional world to ask your right hand person to lunch on your last day at the job. It's usually to thank the person for all the support they offered at their position. You must have played a big role in your position and were a valuable asset to company (and to him). Mixing personal with professional relationships often ends in confusion. Being that he is 20 years your senior and that he is constantly being flirted with, it may have set him back a bit by your personal attachment to him, hence, the comment of boyfriend leaving girlfriend. I don't particularly like the way he handled himself being so much more mature (older) than you. The comments bordered on womanizing. Why would you need to wrap a man around your finger to get somewhere within the company? You are obviously an intellegent woman and don't need to use sexual overtones to get placed up the ladder, I would have found his comments insulting. It is best to leave well enough alone, it will probably be a blessing for you not to work with this man. Besides you did say you had a crush on him, and you probably are not the first or the last to be crushing on him. I guess he may be a little full of himself. The more I am writing the angrier I am getting at the way he treated you. He comments were inappropiate and completely unprofessional. I guess now that he's not your boss, you are on a level playing field, so if he does call you I would tell him that " your last conversation with him was inappropiate and that you had no idea that he felt that way about you". Boy, isn't strange how people turn out sometimes, you would think you know them and then you really don't.

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 06:54 PM   #7
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by marie72 View Post
    It's not uncommon in the professional world to ask your right hand person to lunch on your last day at the job. It's usually to thank the person for all the support they offered at their position. You must have played a big role in your position and were a valuable asset to company (and to him). Mixing personal with professional relationships often ends in confusion. Being that he is 20 years your senior and that he is constantly being flirted with, it may have set him back a bit by your personal attachment to him, hence, the comment of boyfriend leaving girlfriend. I don't particularly like the way he handled himself being so much more mature (older) than you. The comments bordered on womanizing. Why would you need to wrap a man around your finger to get somewhere within the company? You are obviously an intellegent woman and don't need to use sexual overtones to get placed up the ladder, I would have found his comments insulting. It is best to leave well enough alone, it will probably be a blessing for you not to work with this man. Besides you did say you had a crush on him, and you probably are not the first or the last to be crushing on him. I guess he may be a little full of himself. The more I am writing the angrier I am getting at the way he treated you. He comments were inappropiate and completely unprofessional. I guess now that he's not your boss, you are on a level playing field, so if he does call you I would tell him that " your last conversation with him was inappropiate and that you had no idea that he felt that way about you". Boy, isn't strange how people turn out sometimes, you would think you know them and then you really don't.

    hmm, yes something is not right. i dont think the weirdness was completely caused by me. what do you mean when you say to tell him that "i had no idea he thought of me that way' as in that he objectified me or that he looked down on me ( I know they are similar, but i guess i mean the difference between sexuality versus manipulation) i dont know it was just the whole string of weird associations and words (break- up, boyfriend, feminine powers, twist around my finger).

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 07:43 PM   #8
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Well, its almost as if he thinks that his absence will cause a lot of disappointment to you and others, who obviously made him feel superior. Maybe he knew that you had a crush on him and used that to his benefit, because we all go above and beyond for those we are crushing on.

    Anyway, what I meant by my comment was that he felt that you used womanly powers to get where you are, when indeed you used your intelligence. I have received my share of sexist remarks, because of my combination of looks, intelligence and niceness. But, now I stop them in their tracks, and even ask for apologies. The men are taken aback by this and often apologize. You are feeling so bad by what you did, when in fact, maybe you were a little too emotional, but he was way out of line. I say this because it doesn't seem like you had an open personal relationship (friends) outside of work, for him to speak to you in that way. He was trying to get the upper hand, and had to know that what he was saying made you uncomfortable....and who wouldn't be uncomfortable.....it was embarrassing!!!

    Last edited by marie72; 06-30-2007 at 07:46 PM.

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 07:49 PM   #9
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    Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Oh! I just wanted to add I had a boss that once said to me that this is like a divorce (letting me go after 12 years).....talk about weird use of words!!! I should have asked for alimony!

    Last edited by marie72; 06-30-2007 at 09:40 PM.

     
    Old 06-30-2007, 10:31 PM   #10
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    Thumbs up Re: weirdness with boss - help pls!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by marie72 View Post
    Oh! I just wanted to add I had a boss that once said to me that this is like a divorce (letting me go after 12 years).....talk about weird use of words!!! I should have asked for alimony!
    Ha Ha!

    Thank you for all of your advice, I feel better. It definately made me see another side of him (and made the crush disapper). If he is the kind of person I want to professionally associate with, he will be able to overlook my one emotional episode and still think highly of my work.

     
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