It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Obesity affecting my relationship

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 07-22-2007, 07:10 PM   #16
    Laylah
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2006
    Location: Ireland
    Posts: 1,634
    Laylah HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
    If this guy was so shallow as to base his 'love' just on the physical appearance, then he wouldn't even be here asking for advice, he would be long gone.
    I think this is very true.

    I also actually suspect that there may possibly be an element of emotional blackmail in the OP's gf's attitude. Of course I donít know if that is true, but it looks like one of the possibilities here. If she genuinely does measure the OP's love for her against the strength of his sexual attraction then as I've already said she needs help in differentiating between the two, but is it possible that she may be coming at this from a sort of foot stomping; 'I'll stay where I am in my situation thanks, and if you try to change that I'll hit you with the 'you donít love me' line'?

    I've seen people behave like that in the past, but over different issues not related to weight; but similar in the sense that they involved the refusal to change unhealthy patterns that negatively affected others close to them. OP; have you ever felt emotionally blackmailed into accepting your gf's refusal to totally motivate herself?

    You said that you'd not been speaking for a day; I was also wondering if that has been resolved?

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 07-23-2007, 12:06 AM   #17
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,442
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
    I have to agree with Laylah here sorry.

    The thing is this guy should be commended here for being totally honest! should he just tell her he still finds her attractive, just because thats whats she wants to hear, just to keep her happy etc? No, cause that's a lie, I would hate it if someone just said nice things to me, just to keep me happy and in denial, cuase thats just plain right dishonest in my opinion.
    If you read my post again, you will find absolutely no recommendation that the OP lie to the person. That is totally useless. What I did say (and I stand by it) is that the obese person can (and will) HEAR criticism and rejection in anything said to her. That is her problem, not her partner's problem. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. I was merely giving perhaps another view of the obese person's mindset in the hope that it may have been helpful to the OP. In the end we all agree that there is a relationship problem here, and it is finally down to the wife to accept help and deal with her issues. Another reason for th nature of my post is that I have been there done that and I always resented slim people who would just tell me to exercise more, eat less, as if that were all there was to it. I grew up with a father who NEVER missed a chance to tell me I was fat and to withhold approval if he thought I was looking pudgy. I was actually a fairly normal kid, and I was never really obese, but I didn't EVER believe that I was anything but a piece of fat ******, even when I was right on my ideal weight. Until I undertook a few years of therapy and found out how to like myself, I never believed that anyone could possibly love me if I was even a pound over. I could finally believe my husband who never once wavered from telling me that I was the only one for him and never stopped loving me and treating me like a queen. If he had ever ONCE joined the chorus of disapproval I heard all my life, it would have been the final straw, believe me. It was this love in the end that made me think that I was maybe OK and gave me the courage to get help. You slim guys try walking in those shoes for a while and maybe you will have a little more insight and be less judging of someone who may have much deeper issues here than just being "lazy"

    Last edited by Seraph; 07-23-2007 at 12:11 AM.

     
    Old 07-23-2007, 04:20 AM   #18
    brook65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    brook65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: kent
    Posts: 1,434
    brook65 HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Gosh Sereph

    For a start my post wasn't directed at you, but the whole post in general. I am not slim, I am a diabetic, and my fat cells don't work correctly, I can't eat anything fatty or unhealthy as my body can't deal with it in the same way as someone who isn't diabetic. So I know all too well what it is like to have to watch my diet and 'fight' with keeping my figure to a healthy weight.

    Sereph, you don't have to defend yourself, I never said that you suggested he lie to his partner, it is just that this guy is in a no win situation, he is wrong if he is honest by mentioning her weight, and so the other option is to lie to her to keep her happy. I wasn't quoting you, it was just that he can't win in either way.

    Personally as I said before, this guy isn't wanting to hurt his partner, and yes I do know what it is like to hear the truth about how you look, and yes she does have to start listening. Like they say the truth hurts, and it does.

    You say that you slim people should try walking in those shoes and being less judgemental! well like I said I am not slim, probably inbetween, and don't know that anyone here has suggested that she is lazy!

    I keep my weight to a healthy size by eating correctly, and exercising accordingly to match my intake.

    OP as long as you mention your partners weight issues sensitively to her and in a supportive manner, then again I have to say don't feel guilty, as I said before you obviously do love her for her

    Last edited by brook65; 07-23-2007 at 04:49 AM.

     
    Old 07-23-2007, 04:32 AM   #19
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,442
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
    You say that you slim people should try walking in those shoes and being less judgemental! well like I said I am not slim, probably inbetween, and don't know that anyone here has suggested that she is lazy!
    I know *blush* appalling generalisation! I think I just had a rush of blood to the head, needed to get stuff off my chest. I have stopped frothing at the mouth now. OP, I know it is really hard to deal with this, I just have my own ideas about what would and would not have worked with me, but everyone is different. I do know that my husband's TOTAL UNCONDITIONAL love for me was the most important thing i had to hold on to throughout my therapy and growth. He saw through the fatness and anger straight into the vulnerable lovable person inside (his words) and loved that person totally.

     
    Old 07-23-2007, 04:59 AM   #20
    brook65
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    brook65's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: kent
    Posts: 1,434
    brook65 HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    LOl

    The thing is if we are all honest, I think most people have had issues with their weight at some point, and can probably also relate from both sides of the coin.

    I think the main point here about the weight issue, is perhaps the health issues that can come about due to obesity. Obesity is on the increase, and type 2 diabetes is sadly on the increase with adults along with young children. The sad thing is that in a lot of cases these risks can be avoided.

    Being overweight a tad bit, is obviously different as far as health issues go compared to being obese I think. I also think that if he were to ignour her dangerous weight problem, I am not so sure that that would prove he loved her.

    Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, especially when someones health could be at risk.

     
    Old 07-23-2007, 07:51 AM   #21
    Andrea84
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Andrea84's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2007
    Location: NY, NY, USA
    Posts: 291
    Andrea84 HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    I sympathize with his girlfriend who obviously has emotional issues if her weight ballooned to 190 lbs at 5'1 when she is 23 years old. However, despite the empathy for her - and wishing unconditional love for everyone - I think we have to remember that they are not married yet - no children - he is uncomfortable with a situation that can impact his life negatively on many fronts. He is at the pivotal point of making a decision as to whether he wants to deal with the effects of her problems/choices for the rest of his life. He will be just as noble saying no to this relationship as yes.

    Last edited by Andrea84; 07-23-2007 at 07:54 AM.

     
    Old 07-23-2007, 08:14 AM   #22
    EDC_Light
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    EDC_Light's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2004
    Location: Missouri
    Posts: 790
    EDC_Light HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    I guess I'm the only guy to post to this thread. orion, I know how you feel. As a guy, we ARE physically affected in the area of attraction. We may LOVE someone, but loose physical attraction if they become . . . well, not what we find attractive.

    It's a "song and dance" that probably happens in most relationships, because when people get older, often they gain weight, and everyone does get more wrinkled. So, you have to overcome those feelings of physical attractiveness with close friendship that can and often does last for many many years.

    Now, having said that, at 23 and 190 lbs, on a 5'1" frame, that is (I have to agree) not attractive to a lot of guys. Some guys LIKE larger women, but you do not, and that's the way you are. BUT, I know what you are feeling and know you speak the truth when you aren't just talking about her weight, and how it makes a body LOOK, . . . but also what that weight does to a body's health. I'm right with you there! If you care about someone, you want them to be with you, and healthy. It is a medical fact that being overweight, like your girlfriend is hard on the body.

    I also agree with many who state that she is going to have to WANT to loose it. And loosing weight is a VERY hard thing to do. I would help her in that as much as you can.

    As for what you should do, relationship wise, I can't and won't give you any suggestions. They are, of course, up to you. But you both do need to have some sort of sincere communications with each other because this can be a major issue and she needs to realize that guys CAN NOT think the same way girls do. You have to be true to yourself because if you're not, . . . if you get married, you may not have that level of love that really is necessary for a strong marriage. It won't be fair to you, . . .and it won't be fair to her. Breakups hurt before marriage. They are far worse and damaging after marriage.

    Blessings!


     
    Old 07-23-2007, 09:37 AM   #23
    ILYF
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2005
    Location: ohio
    Posts: 494
    ILYF HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    After thinking about this quite a bit I just think that you need to be brutally honest with her and say that she need not ask you loaded questions in the middle of love making anymore that you cannot be attracted to her in the condition she's let herself get into...doesn't mean you don't love her but you don't find her body sexually appealing as it is now...just as if you put on 100 lbs she wouldn't be all hot for you either. Personally I cannot understand obesity...I have always kept active and have always watched the amount of food I consume and would never let myself become obese...EVER! I have an EX SIL that sounds much like your GF...she's a tiny little thing that let herself become grossly obese...she also doesn't consume that much food but she has messed up her metabolism so badly from not eating to lose weight that she can't lose weight easily...she's so over weight that she cannot even take walks because it hurts her feet and legs so bad. This started for her after her first child at 19 and she has just progressively gotten bigger and bigger until at 44 she's probably 250 which at 5'1" and a very small bone structure is huge! Even though she doesn't really eat a lot of food...what she does consume is all bad...she drinks tons of soda and sweets and bread...just all the bad stuff that makes you gain weight...I am shocked at the number of people that DO NOT realize that drinking sodas and other bottled drinks with lots and lots of high fructose corn syrup will make you gain weight just as if you were eating candy bars! Proper nutrition is something that many people just do not understand.

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 04:30 PM   #24
    orion_81
    Junior Member
    (male)
     
    orion_81's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Aug 2005
    Posts: 36
    orion_81 HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post

    You said that you'd not been speaking for a day; I was also wondering if that has been resolved?
    *I am not to quick at responding. I actually install modzilla firefox on the computer temporarly to post on here and than delete the browser so their are not any tracks. We use internet explorer. What I write in here is not exactly how I would want her to hear things. I worry that the way I say things on here might hurt her too bad.

    Yeah, I kissed her on the neck by surprise the next day and that broke the ice. I believe it was you who hit the nail on the head. She feels that if she loses the weight that somehow she will be admitting to not being as attractive when she is overweight. Or like that she actually was not good enough for me while overweight.

    She is a very very insecure girl. Take some home issues during childhood, mix it with some dad issues and two crappy boyfriends before me and this is what you get. Our first two years of our relationship was an insane emotional roller coaster. I am not sure exactly what happened but it was like sink or swim. One of us had to become more emotionally, mentally, and physically secure. I took that step and made it a huge step. 98% of the time I am secure and in control of my feelings. I could not stand for both of us to continue down the same path so I changed. I don't feel that she will be secure until she loses the weight.

    She has lost some 10 to 12 pounds in the past 5 or so weeks. Though she still has another 60 or so to go. I am hoping she will soon get into exercising. She currently works two jobs (which is very hard). She is supposedly quitting the part time one and keeping the full time one in a few weeks. I currently work a Monday though Friday 7am to 3:30pm job. When she just has one job she will be on a similar schedule to me which will give her a lot more options to exercise.

    It is the whole dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. I feel like if I don't keep trying to motivate her than she won't make the changes. After all I didn't say anything about her gaining the 50+ lbs and she never stepped in. Than if I feel like I am on her trying to motivate her than she is going to hold a grudge of waiting to feel 100% secure while overweight. Because she will never be 100% secure while overweight she will never lose the weight. If was overweight like her I WOULD NEVER FEEL SECURE period. I think she can wait forever for that.

    She is just going to have to realize that love and physical attraction are two different things. I love her. We still have a healthy sexual life. We have sex 3 to 4 times a week. Sometimes more sometimes less. I am not disgusted to have sex with her because I love her. I am still actually attracted to her but I am not attracted to certain parts of her body. But when I see her pass by naked I can be unattracted. She has got the face of a beautiful model. If she lost the weight I would be 100% satisfied in the physical attraction department. I have NEVER EVER cheated on her. I don't even have a single female friend. I wouldn't ever cheat on her. I try to take this overweight issues a step at a time. In my mind if she can put in effort in and not give up than I will not give up on her. But when I feel that she has completely given up is when our relationship is in serious jeopardy.

    Thanks all for the info because she DOES try to make me feel like a horrible person for being less attracted to her from the weight gain. It is nice to hear my feelings are normal and I am not some twisted freak of a fiance.

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 06:54 PM   #25
    Thisby
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2002
    Location: Ontario, Canada
    Posts: 5,466
    Thisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB UserThisby HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Just keep supporting any efforts she makes, and try to provide lots of opportunity for her to join you in any healthy activity. You sound like a very caring boyfriend and have put an awful lot of thought into all the aspects of the situation and how best to handle it. Too bad there isn't a sure-fire solution. Anyway, I have nothing to add that you haven't already covered, I just wanted to support you and say it's a shame she has this issue. Good luck.

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 07:00 PM   #26
    Andrea84
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Andrea84's Avatar
     
    Join Date: May 2007
    Location: NY, NY, USA
    Posts: 291
    Andrea84 HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    For a 23 year old girl not to be motivated to lose weight (I'm not saying that it isn't difficult but to not want to be more attractive and insisting on it being a test of your attraction to her, not recognizing the natural "turnoff" ) is a little unusual. I'm just concerned that you will be having to provide the motivation for her after you are married and it may not work so well then. Just be very sure before you make the decision to marry her. (pre-marital counseling first?)

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 08:00 PM   #27
    miyu
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    miyu's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Canada
    Posts: 398
    miyu HB Usermiyu HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    ***here is my main question*** What do about her not wanting to lose weight as long as she is with me? She has to want to lose the weight for her and I truly believe she won't want to while she is with me. I believe she would lose the weight if she was single but as long as she has me she has no motivation.
    I think your right, there is a huge possibility that she doesn’t want to lose the weight while she is with you because she is unhappy. I found that happened to me, and when we broke up I still didn’t lose the weight, then when I met someone new I was so happy, I lost so much weight really fast and I wasn’t doing anything but being happy. However now we are married and I have gained back even more, and I have always been overweight and now I’m obese but I found out that is because of health, which affects my happiness. And over all the years doctors ran so many tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with me, so I was thinking it was my motivation, however you couldn’t get me to push myself in to the ground to look good for someone. and my overweight issue, that I have struggled with since I was a child. it took a long time to find out that I was actually celiac, and my body is unable to absorbed vitamins, as well as bloating, sickness and huge weight gain. Which caused even more health problems. but with a simple diet change and not eathing things that my body can't have, has made a huge difference.
    Quote:
    If she came out and said I am not going to ever lose the weight than at least I would know where we stand. It would seriously put me in a thinking position and a difficult position. Yet she doesn't say that. She says she wants to lose the weight but her actions speak otherwise.
    I know she wants to lose weight. From everything that you said, she first brought it up with you, and now you are obsessing over it. You said you didn’t even notice until she told you. That is EXACTLY like my husband and I. I use to feel so crappy about being over weigh and I ate healthy and exercised a little, but not much because it would make me feel even worse. And the only thing he said to me was “it would be great if you lost the weight. But I really don’t care, just stop complaining about it, if you’re not happy with it do something about it. Otherwise don’t say anything, because when you say you are fat it makes me think that too.” so I did do something, and I found out it was my health, and not my motivation. If she is sick, there is no way you are going to get her out to ride a bike and have fun. For me, because my body was not absorbing vitamins, working out would deplete them even more causing even more serious health issues.

    Do you really want her passing out and rushing her to the hospital because she is pushing herself too much for you. if your answer is yes, then you have a more searious issue to look at. like the fact that she would push herself like that for you would make you feel like you have control over her self-esteem, that she needs to look great for you even if it puts her in the ground. some people need to have someone obsess over how their partner feels about them. I have seen woman starve themselves for abusive men. and when you are sick, it only makes you sicker, but that doesn't matter because your not happy anyway. I can see it making you feel really good about yourself that she HAS to look good for you, that she goes out of her way, becasue she is obsessed with you and what you think. this is what you sound like you are saying, or you might get another, better looking trophy woman. becasue woman are for what? looking at right? making you feel good and the fact that she isn't obsessed with her weight seems to make you angry. that is what it sounds like. if the love went both way, you would go out of your way to make her feel beautiful and love her, and she would go out of her way to love you, she don't need to make you feel beautiful, you already do. but what do you thinks she needs to do to show she loves you? what do you need to do to show you love her? because what you are doing is not working.

    wanting her to look great for you seem kind of controlling to me.

    My husband’s BMI is 12 points lower than mine. count the difference between you 2, i bet its not that big. I want to lose weight for ME, and yes I would like to know I am more attractive to him, but when he looks at me, I can tell he doesn’t look at my fat, or how attractive I am, he looks at me, he thinks I’m cute, and hot. He doesn’t like that I am chubby but he doesn’t care. he has made that clear to me. because now we know it really is a medical issue, and he knows that I want to work on it, weather it shows or not, its about how I see myself. and I know he isn't staying with me because I look good, but because I look good to him, I don't look great, and he is still with me. because I looke great to him. if I could lose the weight now, what a happy gift that could be, I can give it to him for loving me FOR ME and not because I feel I need to be that way for him. I actually want to now. All woman get fat, we are ment to, Because biologically we are meant to have children. When we don’t have children, we still gain the weight weather we do or don’t. some woman keep themselves extremely healthy for years and years and manage to fight the fact that our bodies slow down faster them mens. we compare ourselves to moviestars all the time. But all woman have these hormones. And all woman will one day get a belly. most actors have alot of money to fix that. Maybe because you are so young, and you see beautiful young girls around you, you are not ready to accept that. maybe you feel like you are losing out. and if she never does lose weight you will be to old to get that cute, young, skinny girl. And that is understandable, you are young, you should expeareince what you want. But you will have to one day accept that even you new skinny girlfriend will get a belly or may get fat. Or you will never be happily married.

    Last edited by miyu; 07-24-2007 at 08:14 PM.

     
    Old 07-24-2007, 08:45 PM   #28
    miyu
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    miyu's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2006
    Location: Canada
    Posts: 398
    miyu HB Usermiyu HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Quote:
    She is just going to have to realize that love and physical attraction are two different things. I love her.
    That is not true. That is called being a soul mate, no matter what the other person looks like you stay attracted to them. My best friends husband is so over weight and she still finds him attractive. I donít I think soÖ he was much cuter when he was in shape, and now I think he is ugly. Only his eyes are cute. But I am not his soul mate, and what I think doesnít matter.
    Quote:
    She has got the face of a beautiful model. If she lost the weight I would be 100% satisfied in the physical attraction department.
    Thatís funny. 100% satisfied with her, and is she also 100% satisfied with you? Wow the perfect relationship. I think thatís funny because my husband said something similar. But he said I had the face of a modle, and if you were really thin with that face I would be worried about losing you. Lol those words want me to lose weight just to prove to him I not with him because I feel he is the only one for me because Iím fat. Iím with him because he loves me no matter what. When I first gained weight I really didnít care about losing it, I figured if he dumped me because he didnít think I was attractive anymore, then I donít want him. But if I know that he thinks Iím attractive because who I am and not what I look like, then I know Iím with the right person. I think he has proven to me over and over, and I will lose 60 pounds for him to prove to him, the same thing.
    Quote:
    Thanks all for the info because she DOES try to make me feel like a horrible person for being less attracted to her from the weight gain. It is nice to hear my feelings are normal and I am not some twisted freak of a fiance.
    Yes you can get a lot of different views here. thatís to bad that she makes you feel horrible, but I think multiply that by 3 and I bet that is how you are making her feel. all she is doing is pointing out that you are making her feel bad. and from what you said she has alot of issues with the way she thinks men see woman. Some people get stuck making eachother feel bad because both parties are not happy.

    It is clear that you are not happy. you should feel bad because you love her and you donít want to say hurtful things to her, and make her hurt or sad. but you say she is MAKING you feel bad... so its her fault. so then you don't feel bad because you love her and you don't want to hurt her, you feel bad because she is making you feel bad. you want to say these things to her and she should not make you feel bad for saying them? She should not show that it hurts her? That doesnít sound like love, that sounds like control.

    But trying to change her, even if you can, is not going to fix the way you see each other. I'm not sure if you love her or not. And I donít think your guys are going to stay together. I think someone is going to get really hurt. But thatís just what I think.

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 08:08 AM   #29
    EddieDean
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    EddieDean's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Mar 2001
    Posts: 386
    EddieDean HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    It's obvious from reading your posts that you are a kind, compassionate person and that you really love this girl. I completely disagree with those who are turning this issue back on you. This is about HER and what's going on inside of her, and I think you are wise to make her face these demons.

    In order for her to lose the weight and keep it off, she needs to change her whole lifestyle. She probably needs to see a therapist to deal with some of those past issues and why she turns to food to make her feel better. She needs to get rid of the junk food in her house and start making and developing tastes for healthy meals and appropriate proportions. She needs to discover exercise that she finds at least moderately fun so she keeps at it. If she crash diets or cycles a few times a week and still eats too much or the wrong kinds of foods, she's never going to make it. You probably know all of this already, but she needs a wake-up call. She's trying really hard in all of the wrong ways.....she needs to make a major life shift and THEN she will start seeing results.

    I think it's great that she's lost a few pounds, but I honestly think that's just desperation from fear of losing you. She hasn't faced the issues that caused her to gain the weight in the first place, and until she does that she is doomed to go back to old habits. I predict that once you get married, she will start gaining again and you will go back to feeling betrayed and frustrated. I don't blame you! But again, realize that she isn't gaining the weight because she doesn't care what she looks like for you....she's gaining it because she hasn't faced the habits and feelings that are causing her to gain in the first place.

    For the record, I COMPLETELY know how you feel. I dated someone once who gained quite a bit of weight during our relationship and ate HORRIBLY all the time. He had a hard time keeping up with me in and out of the bedroom and it really started to inhibit our ability to do a lot of things. I also felt like I constantly had to build him up because his self-esteem was so poor, partially because of the weight he had gained. And yet, I didn't want to enable him to continue this behavior and I WAS losing physical attraction to him. I felt awful for feeling that way, but I was resentful that he couldn't do certain things. I also was frustrated that he complained about his weight all the time and knew it was a turn-off, but didn't do a thing about it. I didn't realize at the time all the factors that go into obesity and why a person does this to themselves.

    It's pretty obvious that she's aware this is causing a rift between you, and has obviously been shocked enough to start taking a look at this problem. I really think that talking to her is in order, provided you do it in the right way. I would emphasize the following points:

    1) YOU WANT TO MARRY HER (this is a biggie....those words if nothing else will get her attention), but have serious concerns that she's going to die at an early age because of her weight. Put the focus on her health....she will much sooner understand that you don't want to be alone at a young age than you aren't attracted to her anymore.

    2) YOUR FEELINGS ARE HURT because she gained so much weight after you got together. I think she needs to know that you are confused about why she felt it was okay to stop taking care of herself once you committed to her. Maybe that will make her stop and think "wow, I DID let myself go once we got together....why is that?" That should give her a reference point of where you are coming from.

    3) YOU SUPPORT HER. Make sure she knows that YOU know there will be pitfalls along the way, but you aren't going to dump her if she gains a few pounds back. HOWEVER, I would definitely take this opportunity to encourage her to start being more healthy TOGETHER. Who does the cooking at home? Can you make healthy meals together? Can you get rid of all the junk food at her house and go grocery shopping with her? Can you encourage her to see a counselor? Don't be condescending as you do this, but let her you know you want to help her and do this as a team....maybe tell her you also want to eat healthier and make it something you do together. If you get her really excited about this, that may be the first step in changing her lifestyle.

    I hope, over time, things work themselves out and you can enjoy a happy future together! Again, it's obviously that you have the best of intentions here and love this girl very much. Only you can decide whether or not this issue is strong enough to keep you apart, and only she can decide whether or not she wants to face it. I wish you both the best of luck!

     
    Old 07-25-2007, 03:46 PM   #30
    ILYF
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Dec 2005
    Location: ohio
    Posts: 494
    ILYF HB User
    Re: Obesity affecting my relationship

    Well I know that when I met my husband we both talked about how we are very turned off to fat and would never date anyone that's fat. So with us we both feel the same about obesity. I think you and this woman have two different attitudes about taking care of your body and staying fit...you bicycle and are 5'8" and 145...that's very thin for a man and she's 5'1" and 190...that's huge and terribly out of shape. I just don't see this working...you have two opposite views on taking care of yourselves. You are already unattracted to her and she's only 23...what's she gonna be like when she's in her 40's...in a wheelchair? Seriously...as I mentioned an EX SIL...she's going to be in a wheelchair before long because she has so much leg pain. She already cannot go anywhere that requires walking very much. Her mother is in a wheelchair. And this girl hasn't had any children yet.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    My boyfriend's obesity is causing problems in our relationship prism20 Relationship Health 21 08-16-2006 03:54 PM
    Bipolar affecting on-and-off again relationship bbyko Bipolar Disorder 7 02-24-2006 05:35 AM
    Obesity, plague of our times?!? pcantona Obesity 5 09-27-2005 12:34 PM
    Do you think obesity is genetically or environmentally determined? buddyroe05 Obesity 12 06-16-2004 09:17 AM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:13 AM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!