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    Old 07-26-2007, 06:42 PM   #1
    Lucinda123
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    I can't handle my jealousy

    I am aware it's bad, but I can't help it. I never used to feel jealous/posessive...it was what other people did. But over the last 5 months I've suddenly had these feelings and they're getting a lot worse, a lot more frequent and stronger. I want to know how I can stop feeling this way.

    The interesting thing is that I also started feeling bad about myself physically about 5 months ago so perhaps this is causing some of the feelings?? I haven't changed at all physically so again I have no explanation for whay that happened. I've just quite suddenly lost all confidence.

    I cannot stand it when my boyfriend expresses an appreciation for another female. It's even got to the point where I'm losing trust in him and I'm suspicious of every female he comes into contact with!

    I don't want to upset him but I can't help but feel this way.

    I've been my my fella for three years and have no reason to be feeling this way. He's incredibly trustworthy, mature, he loves me very much and would never, ever cheat on me. It's not even like I've had boyfriends in the past that cheated. I have no reason to be the way I am.

    Unfortunately I just can't help it.

    He loves his cars and goes to these cruises, where there's pretty much always going to be a load of sluts wearing virtually nothing at all trying to get lads' attention. I hate them so much. Especially on those cruises because that's when I'm feeling really bad about myself...I get cold, am all huddled up in a giant coat for comfort, have a bright red nose from the cold and I don't exactly look "glamorous"! So to then see a load of sluts dancing round just drives me nuts. My fella doesn't seem to notice them, if he looks it's only for a little while. It's not like he stands and drools. He's there for the cars and to have some fun. I know all this but still it really drives me nuts to know that they're there.

    The other big issue I have at the moment is pornography.

    Part of me is saying it's NORMAL for a young guy to look at it, and that I shouldn't think about it let alone question it or get upset about it. Yet there's another part of me that finds it very upsetting. I just cannot bare the idea of my fella looking at those girls. I just can't stand it. I feel like I'm the absolute ONLY one he should ever notice, think about or look at. It makes me feel physically sick when I think about it and it makes me feel like breaking up with him.


    I know that I'm being a horrible person and I can feel myself becoming more and more jealous/posessive/upset... this can't be good for me or him, and surely I'll just get ditched eventually if I don't sort it out.

    Any ideas on how I can get past this and move on??????????????? I'm really stuck, I just assumed my feeling would just pass and I'd get back to how I was, but they're getting worse and worse. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     
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    Old 07-26-2007, 07:20 PM   #2
    Lucinda123
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Just as an extra note.. I am his first girlfriend. So when I'm worrying about him looking at other girls the worry is also backed up by another worry of mine that his want/need to be with another girl is strong. I know he would very much like to be really intimate with another girl but I also know he would never risk losing me. But unfortunately I still have this paranoia that he's got strong feelings to go off with some other girl.





    I feel like *****.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 07:49 PM   #3
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    You have serious and probably deep seated issues you need to address. There is some trigger here that is setting off your jealous paranoia and you need to find out what it is and deal with it. Given that your BF hasn't actually done anything wrong, it is certain that this is something in you that you will carry into any other relationship that you have. Get into some therapy, or dig deep into yourself and work out what is worrying you.
    You are not a horrible person, merely troubled, but as a hint on changing your behaviour, start by not calling these probably perfectly innocent girls 'sluts'. That is pretty insulting and language will shape our attitudes and feelings. Sera

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 07:53 PM   #4
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Lucinda123 View Post
    He loves his cars and goes to these cruises, where there's pretty much always going to be a load of sluts wearing virtually nothing at all trying to get lads' attention. I hate them so much. Especially on those cruises because that's when I'm feeling really bad about myself...I get cold, am all huddled up in a giant coat for comfort, have a bright red nose from the cold and I don't exactly look "glamorous"! So to then see a load of sluts dancing round just drives me nuts. My fella doesn't seem to notice them, if he looks it's only for a little while. It's not like he stands and drools. He's there for the cars and to have some fun. I know all this but still it really drives me nuts to know that they're there.
    I know you probably wont thank me for saying so Lucinda, but I dont mean it in any bad way, honest to God, but I just FELL AROUND ROARING LAUGHING when I read these lines about "a load of sluts dancing around" LMAO! ha ha ha!

    Listen luv, no woman likes the thoughts of semi-naked "sluts dancing around" when there bloke is within eye-balling distance, I dont give a hairy damn what any woman wants to tell you about insecurities blah blah blah, NO woman likes that thought! My bf is a security guard in one of the cities biggest shopping centres and you'd want to see the slappers who throw themselves at him! Sluts isnt the word! - They're not respectable enough for the label!! There's no way in hell I'd let him work in a nightclub or anywhere else where there's drink served; if sober women behave like this there's no way I'm letting him near the drunken ones!

    All this aside, obviously your feelings are causing you distress. Maybe you should read some literature on jealousy issues? The best advice I could give you there would be to have a good root round the self-help section in a good bookstore. I've done that in times past when I was dealing with depression and grief and found some books that were very beneficial to me. Really, I think you should do that. Your feelings came on you all of a sudden, so it dosent seem they're inherant to your nature, so maybe you can get rid of them with just a bit of work. I really hope you manage that because these feelings, apart from being deeply unpleasant to deal with, can also be deeply damaging to a relationship.

    As for the naked dancing sluts, shush and dont tell anyone, but I cant stand them either! LOL

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 07:56 PM   #5
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    You have serious and probably deep seated issues you need to address. There is some trigger here that is setting off your jealous paranoia and you need to find out what it is and deal with it. Given that your BF hasn't actually done anything wrong, it is certain that this is something in you that you will carry into any other relationship that you have. Get into some therapy, or dig deep into yourself and work out what is worrying you.
    You are not a horrible person, merely troubled, but as a hint on changing your behaviour, start by not calling these probably perfectly innocent girls 'sluts'. That is pretty insulting and language will shape our attitudes and feelings. Sera

    Thankyou for your reply


    You're right, that was a nasty comment of mine I said it because of the frustration I felt. I do regret that.

    I've been trying to dig deep to find what could be wrong but I just don't know. I'm just spiralling downhill and I want to ban him from going to the cruises, or from looking at porn. The sensible part is telling me that's ridiculous!! Yet I can't help it.

    Is therapy expensive? Could this really be serious enough for that?

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:02 PM   #6
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    I know you probably wont thank me for saying so Lucinda, but I dont mean it in any bad way, honest to God, but I just FELL AROUND ROARING LAUGHING when I read these lines about "a load of sluts dancing around" LMAO! ha ha ha!

    Listen luv, no woman likes the thoughts of semi-naked "sluts dancing around" when there bloke is within eye-balling distance, I dont give a hairy damn what any woman wants to tell you about insecurities blah blah blah, NO woman likes that thought! My bf is a security guard in one of the cities biggest shopping centres and you'd want to see the slappers who throw themselves at him! Sluts isnt the word! - They're not respectable enough for the label!! There's no way in hell I'd let him work in a nightclub or anywhere else where there's drink served; if sober women behave like this there's no way I'm letting him near the drunken ones!

    All this aside, obviously your feelings are causing you distress. Maybe you should read some literature on jealousy issues? The best advice I could give you there would be to have a good root round the self-help section in a good bookstore. I've done that in times past when I was dealing with depression and grief and found some books that were very beneficial to me. Really, I think you should do that. Your feelings came on you all of a sudden, so it dosent seem they're inherant to your nature, so maybe you can get rid of them with just a bit of work. I really hope you manage that because these feelings, apart from being deeply unpleasant to deal with, can also be deeply damaging to a relationship.

    As for the naked dancing sluts, shush and dont tell anyone, but I cant stand them either! LOL

    haha, yeah it made me laugh too when I re-read it!

    It's re-assuring to hear that I can get rid of these feelings. I've never been like this before and so it just doesn't make any sense, especially when I consider what a kind and considerate man he is.

    I'll have a look around a bookstore/library when I'm off work and hopefully I'll find something good there.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:02 PM   #7
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    You are not a horrible person, merely troubled, but as a hint on changing your behaviour, start by not calling these probably perfectly innocent girls 'sluts'. That is pretty insulting and language will shape our attitudes and feelings. Sera
    Ah come on Sera! You've got to have seen some of these "perfectly innocent girls" grinding their crotches into total strangers on the dancefloor, humping their legs like dogs before bending over wiggling their mostly exposed breasts to any man who'll look? Surely you've seen that?? I’m telling you Sera, if you’d ever seen what I’m talking about, “innocent” is about the last word that’d come to mind! I’ve seen that too many times, and it's not a pleasant sight! (probably because I'm not in possession of a penis )

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:06 PM   #8
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Does the start of this jealousy coincide with the porn and the cruises? If he has changed his behaviour, then this may have been the trigger that has set it off. The thing is, tho that you are the person who will be most affected by all these feelings, and if you can't handle them and feel that it is out of control, then get help to learn how to deal with negative stuff in your life. There will ALWAYS be pretty girls around, porn will ALWAYS be available, so really, you have not choice, cos you can't change that, you can't change your BF if he doesn't want it, the only part of the whole equation you have any control over is you. Sera

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:13 PM   #9
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    hi first of all take adeep breath!!!!!!!!
    I read your post and every single part of it was me 2 years ago!! im 22 and my first bf was when i was 17 i was with him for 2 years and it was hell because of this problem and we eventually split because of it.
    the thing is i didnt fancy him or love him, i know i cared for him but it was more of a dependancy thing and it made my life hell. we were both eachothers first partners also. when i tried to talk to a friend about it she was really dismissive and no one could see or want to hear what i was going thru and thought it was pathetic but iwas going absoloute nuts!!!
    my boyfriend was really attentive to me and never looked at other girls , yes he'd glance but thats all. i ripped a poster of a girl from his room when we first started going out with eachother and it all started from there really.
    it would be a nightmare going out in public with him cos even if we walked past a female on the street id ask him if he liked her and he would say no and id be convinced he was lying!! i actually annoyed myself cos we would argue and he would say if i go to ask him questions like this anymore can i jus stop and not do it. so i would hold my thoughts to myself butt get so worried and agitated and feel i HAD to know if he liked this girl or that girl that i would burst out saying it anyway!! i couldnt watch tv with him even stupid stuff like eastenders id get jealous if there was any young female and in my head id assume he was looking at then in a sexual way and jus feel so threatened. ifelt EXACTLY like you as in i HAD to be the only female getting his attention even if he spoke to a shop assistant or a barmaid while we were out id turn things into a fullscale row and the whole day would be ruined but after the initial anger and jealousy id feel intense panic in my chest and like it dropped like when youre in a lift.cos i felt my whole existence and purpose of being was revolved around him.i ddnt feel that loving towards him but wen i thought he was looking at another girl i would feel sick to my stomach. one night i kept asking him questions about christina aguilera and forcing him to tell me why he thought she was pretty(even tho he only ever admitted her being ok looking)i didnt beleive him and its almost as if i wanted to force him to tell me stuff that hurt me, it sounds crazy. but anyway he told me she was better looking than me cos so and so he gave his reasons and i felt so terrible like my world was crumbling. him liking other girls had sooo much impact on me and i cried in his bedroom non stop for 4 hours even his mum and dad heard me, but then i ended up getting into bed with him and cuddling. i felt i had to look my best for him all the time even tho he never put me down in any way, infact he was the opposite and complemented me so much. i found out that he like lucy pinder(dunno if youve heard of her?) some glamour girl and i was so upset and furious i would obsess about it and torture myself by trying to find pix of her and compare myself to her and ask him questions and demand answers and cry for hours. he went to some car show and got a calendar of her and got her to sign it.this was towards the end of our relationship and i think id done his head in so much that he didnt care what he done anymore but it really killed me inside and in my mind proved what i thought as in he lusted over these girls and was a pervert and didnt fancy me ect. i realised i wasnt mentally stable or well, i felt so disturbed by this constant worrying 24/7 and obsessing over it and i realised i had issues with myself.it was more about myself on the inside and insecurities about myself as a person. my family and upbringing and bad relationship with my dad didnt do me any favours and i know this is what caused my low self esteem which iddnt realise i had until i got into a relationship.ive dated guys since him but i havnt ever felt that degree of jealousy again hope to god i never will. maybe its because ive not experienced the intensity of such a relationship but i feel that with jealousy, you only stop feeling it when you lose something that cant be replaced by it and it gives you a BIG wakeup call.im glad hes out of my life and im over him and i never want to go back to the place i was with him.ive occassionally asked the guy i saw recently whether he liked a girl that as on a tv prog but i didnt think much on his answer because ive donr alot of growing up and since being away from my ex can see things rationally and that some1 is not going to be lusting over some1 else 24/7 when they are with a partner they love. youre not doing it so why would your man? i still have my jealosy but i try to keep it at bay its something that nearly destroyed me but its all about you and how youre feeling inside, it all comes back to you.please try to remember you are a unique person with qualities your partner obviously loves in you and no one can replace that men are tantalised for a few minutes by the image of a womans body, its science but if you really love your guy and dont want to lose him talk to him. dont accuse him jus tell him how worried you are and how bad you feel x

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:14 PM   #10
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    Does the start of this jealousy coincide with the porn and the cruises? If he has changed his behaviour, then this may have been the trigger that has set it off. The thing is, tho that you are the person who will be most affected by all these feelings, and if you can't handle them and feel that it is out of control, then get help to learn how to deal with negative stuff in your life. There will ALWAYS be pretty girls around, porn will ALWAYS be available, so really, you have not choice, cos you can't change that, you can't change your BF if he doesn't want it, the only part of the whole equation you have any control over is you. Sera

    I knew he went to the cruises before I was dating him [well, I knew him for a week before we got together!] and I was aware there were those girls there. It did make me feel a little bad as it wasn't a pleasant idea, but at the same time I felt ok with it. I didn't feel like banning him from going, put it that way, lol!! It has always bugged me a bit but I've always pushed those feelings down and ignored them. But recently those feelings have suddenly surged up and I'm feeling like I'm going crazy!

    The porn was also an ongoing thing I ignored. Being his first girlfriend, and we're both in early 20's, I was well aware he'd looked at porn. Like with the girls at the cruises, it was something that bugged me a little but I would quickly ignore it/push it down/think of something else. It is suddenly really getting to me.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:20 PM   #11
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    sorry i should have paragraphed my post lol

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:21 PM   #12
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Have you said anything to him about these girls and the porn yet?

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:23 PM   #13
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by midnightblu22 View Post
    ive donr alot of growing up and since being away from my ex can see things rationally and that some1 is not going to be lusting over some1 else 24/7 when they are with a partner they love. youre not doing it so why would your man?
    This is a good point Midnightblu; I think you should consider it Lucinda.

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:28 PM   #14
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by midnightblu22 View Post
    sorry i should have paragraphed my post lol
    lol, no problem!

    I had a good read and it's amazing seeing all the similarities!

    I'll do my best to take on all the advice. Taking a deep breath for a start!!!! I think I need to have a good talk to him. I'll have a think about how I'm going to word it to him so I don't upset him. I'm just so surprised at myself.

    It's great to see that you got past it and everything's going well and it gives me a bit more encouragement that it can be resolved, I'm not doomed to be miserable and jealous!!

     
    Old 07-26-2007, 08:31 PM   #15
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    Re: I can't handle my jealousy

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    Have you said anything to him about these girls and the porn yet?
    No, not yet. I've been too afraid of offending him. He's a sensitive, kind man and if I mentioned it he'd probably see it as me accusing him of being a bad boyfriend, rather than seeing it as me pointing out my insecurities. I've made a light joke occasionally but it's been a difficult one to address so I avoided the subject altogether.

     
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