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  • Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

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    Old 07-30-2007, 01:18 AM   #1
    jondoe5
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    Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    We broke up about a year ago, she cheated, lied...blah blah blah.
    We agreed to put everything behind us and have recently started emailing back and forth.
    I made it clear to her that its quite possible I still have feelings for her and that it may not be a good idea to continue talking till I straighten myself out. She pretty much ignored this and continued almost as if nothing happened between us.
    I'm doing the best I can separating the ex girlfriend from the friend but I'm confused as to why I would want to remain friends with someone who burned me so badly. I also question why she would want to stay in touch. Do I actually still love her? Is she keeping me around just in case?
    heh, I'm so confused ....Is it healthy to even attempt to remain friends after a horrible breakup?

     
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    Old 07-30-2007, 01:39 AM   #2
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    Put it this way...you can rarely slide from being partners to friends, and this can never happen while there are unresolved issues such as yours. You need to get over all of that and work your way through and THEN down the road a bit, if you meet up again, you may develop a friendship. If you have trouble trusting this lady as a partner then she won't be a good friend; you have to trust friends not to hurt you also. If it were me I would just not encourage her to keep in touch, in fact, tell her you will not be responding at least for a while. In fact, she has a bit of a cheek wanting to be friends after all that, I think she is just doing it so she can deny her part in the breakup and can 'pretend' it just wasn't meant to be.

    Last edited by Seraph; 07-30-2007 at 01:41 AM.

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 05:54 AM   #3
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    You can't be friends with someone if you still have feelings for them. It will never work. But the big issue here is that she lied and cheated on you. Why would you want to be friends after that? If she can't treat you right as a boyfriend I don't see how she will ever be able to treat you right as a friend. It seems to me that she needs some male attention in her life and she went right back to where it was comfortable and thought she could get it. Don't give her the satisfaction. You told her you didn't think the friendship was a good idea because of your feelings and she basicly blew it off. She only has one person's interests in mind and they are not your's.

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 07:42 AM   #4
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    I'm friends with one of my ex's, only because he is the father of my son.

    Personally I truly think only people who hope to get back together 'one' day stay friends. Otherwise, why bother.

    But if you do decide to stay friends, don't, if you still have feelings, cause it will shatter your heart. I've been there, and it's really really difficult

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 07:47 AM   #5
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    are you that desperate for friends that you are willing to consider someone who lied and cheated on you to be a friend?

    friends don't do that.......this person is not a friend.......

    why can't you see that?

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 08:34 AM   #6
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    I think the only time one should stay friends with an ex is if you were friends during the relationship, the break up was amicable and mutual, and there are no feelings, hard or romantic, on either side. If anything else is going on under the surface, it's a recipe for disaster.

    But if she cheated, lied, etc., then it doesn't sound like a good idea to try to stay "friends" with her, because 1) you may still have romantic feelings for her, which is going to get in the way of being just her friend every time and 2) she lied and cheated. That's not what a good friend does. How do you stay "friends" with someone who was never your friend to begin with?

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 11:29 AM   #7
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    are you that desperate for friends that you are willing to consider someone who lied and cheated on you to be a friend?

    friends don't do that.......this person is not a friend.......

    why can't you see that?
    Long time, long life friends *forgive* each other when one makes a mistake, and move on. In that sense yes, if you both get over it and comfortable with the past, you both move on to a new level of friendship or whatever that is.

    That being said, I dont have or dont want any ex-es as a friend in my life. They are ex- past tense, gone. I have been poltie to them if I have been contacted for some help or anything, but it always ends up in making it short. Its hard to update feelings.

    my advice, let her go, she' is probably making an aexcuse to get to you again

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 04:36 PM   #8
    ErimusValidus
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    I think a lot of the motivation for my ex maintaining contact with me is for her to ease her guilt (of cheating on me and making me believe she wanted to be with me forever) and to make her feel like a better person for it. I know that my ex felt extremely guilty for cheating on her ex before me; not just towards him but also with respect the death of the relationship. Perhaps your ex has felt sustained guilt for cheating on you and lieing to you; at the time I think cheaters convince themselves they can handle it, but eventually the guilt catches up with them. It might be that she thinks she owes you her attention to make up for what she did to you. Of course, what she really owes you is the time and space for the bad taste that she left behind to dissipate. It sounds like a year hasn't been enough for that to happen because you're questioning whether or not you still love her.

    Another observation from my current relationship with my ex is that you can both pretend that you're nothing more than friends now, but it's a pointless pretense since, in my case, I could never truly deny my feelings for my ex and she couldn't deny that she knows that I'd still have her back in a flash. Friends don't partake in that dance. I think some people have genuine intentions of wanting to remain friends with an ex; be it either side of an acrimonious split. The question of whether or not it's healthy is surely answerable on a case-by-case basis; that is, I don't think it's fair to generalise and to say it can never work.

    In your case, I wouldn't take into account whether or not you would want to be friends with somebody who was guilty of the worst betrayal; that your ex cheated on you was the fault of her moral weakness, not a deliberate intention to hurt you. [As furtiva says, you have forgiveness to allow you to move past that. It's not like she's going to cheat on you again if you're just friends.] Rather, what I would consider (and what I consider on a daily basis regarding my ex) is can you handle the territory of friendship with your ex? It would be unhealthy for you to maintain a dialogue with your ex if there are topics of conversation that hurt you. Like me, you might tell yourself that you can cope. But when you find yourself regularly wondering what your ex is up to, she's obviously more than just a friend to you. Is it really worth the pain?
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    Last edited by ErimusValidus; 07-30-2007 at 04:37 PM.

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 05:02 PM   #9
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    Thanks for the replies, it's good to hear unbiased opinions on the issue.
    We were great friends before and during the relationship. I've always thought of her as the closest friend I've had in a long long time. I can set aside any feelings I have/had for her... i think.
    We dont have kids of our own but she has 2 that I helped raise from a young age. I always thought it would be great to stay in touch with them and be there for them if they ever needed anything. But as has been said here several times she herself is not really someone I should want to talk to never mind remain friends with.
    I like the blunt way Rose put it, and I do see that. Its just very hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that shes not the person I always thought she was. Its not so much that I am that desperate for friends as it is that I dont usually let people get close to me like I did her. I have friends but no best friends, so its almost like losing 2 different people. But whats been said makes sense, there really is no reason for me to want her in my life.
    easier said then done tho, heh.

    I always kinda figured her reasons for keeping in touch were exactly as you stated Erimus, she does feel guilty for everything in general not just this. She herself has said that past year has been the worst of her life and shes been nothing but a raging ...umm mean person I believe that has nothing to do with me being gone but rather her guilt for what shes done.
    As for being in love with her still, I go back and forth with that. I dont ever want to be "with" her again so theres not much pain involved. I'll always care about her, but as people pointed out if she dosnt care much about me why should I care?

    Last edited by jondoe5; 07-30-2007 at 05:19 PM.

     
    Old 07-30-2007, 07:43 PM   #10
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    Re: Is it healthy to remain friends with an ex?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jondoe5 View Post
    I like the blunt way Rose put it, and I do see that. Its just very hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that shes not the person I always thought she was. Its not so much that I am that desperate for friends as it is that I dont usually let people get close to me like I did her. I have friends but no best friends, so its almost like losing 2 different people. But whats been said makes sense, there really is no reason for me to want her in my life.
    easier said then done tho, heh.
    Thanks jondoe, I'm glad you can appreciate my directness....
    I never meant you were desperate, it was more like a rhethorical question to light a fire under you so you'd say.....heck NO, I'm not desperate, I deserve better! That's all I meant, and I'm glad you took it in that spirit. I know it's hard when people turn out to be something other than what they seemed. I've kicked myself many times and asked myself...."how could you have been that blind", etc. So it happens to the best of us. Get rid of her completely....with her in your life, that will take time and energy away from possibly meeting someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck!

     
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