HealthBoards

HealthBoards (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/)
-   Relationship Health (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/)
-   -   To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something?? (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/527483-girls-guys-who-have-snopped-txt-mail-found-something.html)

emma j 08-22-2007 02:41 AM

To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
What did you??
I'm sitting here feeling sick to my stomach, feeling like its happening all over again. what is wrong with me that any guy i'm with has to be doing stuff behind my back.
I'm with my bf nearly 2 months now and before i got with him i knew he was a total ladies man but felt that his feeling for me where genuine, that he did love me and believed him when he said all the stuff you "should say" to win a girl over.
Well before he was with me he was seeing a much older woman. About 2 weeks into us seeing each other he got a txt off her and i saw it cos i was laying on his chest. So i asked him about it the next day. He said that yes she had txted him but that he wrote back once then ignored her. Said that he loved me and wouldn't do anything to make us split up. So we've been going through some up's and down's, our honneymoon period is well and truely gone and we haven't been getting on well.
So last night i had this dream that i looked through his phone and found txts. So i woke up this morning with this horrible feeling. My gut feeling never ever fails me so i made the decision that while he was int he shower i'd look at his txts. Yes i know it was wrong off me but well i'm glad i did.
I found txts from her only a day and two days old. These where not normal txts. i won't go into what they where but from the txts he had to have been replying back more than one word answers. The txts he was recieving where not the kinda txts that you allow to happen more than once if you have a gf.

So what do i do. I really trusted this guy. considering what i went through with my ex and his history i really trusted him. How to i approach this subject with him. Yeah i'm gonna be made to look like a snooper but i had good reason to. He has a very bad temper and i'd rather not say it to his face but well txts aren't the best way of doing it either.
So what do i do, i feel so so sick right now. Thought i'd found a good one. i'm due to go away in 3 weeks for college how on earth can i trust him now, thinking what is he gonna be doing while i'm away. i'm just home from his house and usually i'd have txt him well by now but even in the car i as really cold and of with him so he's gonna sus thats somethings up soon.
Anyways, thats enough rambling.
Emma.

I should prob add that this isn't he first situation of something happening with an ex.

Willapp 08-22-2007 03:31 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
[QUOTE=emma j;3168701]He has a very bad temper and i'd rather not say it to his face but well txts aren't the best way of doing it either.[/QUOTE]

Ok, if you're convinced from these texts that he's going behind your back, or at least lying to you, then I'd say just go! You don't owe this guy anything if he's being a total sleaze and still seeing his "ex".

If by saying the guy has a "very bad temper" you think he could become physical if you confront him in person, then don't - it's that simple. Personal safety is the No.1 priority here. Either call him and tell him what you've done and that you don't want to see him anymore, or do it by text if you feel it's easier. If you must do it in person, make sure you are somewhere with people around so he can't become too aggressive.

emma j 08-22-2007 03:42 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Thanks for the reply.
Firstly as far as i am aware these are just txts and nothing has actually happened, but in my opinion something has happened. he got into a conversation with an ex that wasn't your normal run of the mill conversation you'd have when you have a gf.
By very bad temper i mean he snaps so easily, he tends to raise his voice alot during arguments but no he'd never raise a hand to me. I just don't wanna ave to stand there an be raored at beause i looked at his txts.
I know i'm a complete idiot when i say this but i'd be nearly willing to sort it out but it's all gonna get turned around on me and that i looked at his txts. So i'm wrecking my head trying to think of anexcuse that would justify it.
I've been thinking of different ways of saying it to him like" you should really be more careful what txts u leave in your phone" or to ask him has he heard from this girl since the last time. If he says no he's flat out lied.
Bottom line what he did and is doig is not on, i deserve better even if it is just txts. My problem is how to approach the subject without breaking up. Yes i'm an idiot!!

Seraph 08-22-2007 04:12 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Emma, so sorry this has happened. he sounded like a real keeper. If you are going to leave him over this, then leave him FIRST, and only tell him about the snooping after you have broken up, when he asks. I think you will be spared a bit of the roaring if it is already a done deal. Do not apologise, do explain, there is no way you can talk your way out of the snooping. Don't even bother to try. If he roars, just shrug and say "[I]So sue me, now tell me again how you lied to me."[/I] He has done the wrong thing..he has ALREADY lied to you, never mind about asking him the question to trap him. Where there is no trust, there can be no real relationship. Go on and get your education happening, and move on. You are sure to meet lots of great people and ya never know, there may be an even better guy for you. Good luck, Sera

Kszan 08-22-2007 06:02 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
I thought you were going to dump this dork before you left for school, anyway? I didn't know you were going to stay with him? Isn't this the guy who first swore he'd wait for you and do the best he could with a long distance relationship but then changed his mind and said he couldn't handle it and that you should break up when you go away to school?

I hate to say it but it sounds like this woman who is texting him is probably his backup person, and once you leave, he's going to be right back with her like he used to be. I doubt he'd be honest about it. Nevertheless, you should not change your plans to go away because you have worked way too hard to let some shmuck of a guy screw it up for you.

I don't think you should prolong the inevitable. Clearly he has already begun the process of "moving on" before you're even gone! Why bother staying in this relationship any longer? It's only going to end once you leave, anyway?

Brocallie 08-22-2007 06:23 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Dump him! You'll then be free to explore and have fun at college. You don't need to be worrying about your "boyfriend" while away at college. I seriously doubt he'll give you a second thought, based on your posts!

BeaTrade 08-22-2007 06:24 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
I think that you are very lucky that you only took 2 months to find out the truth about this guy...I mean what if you'd have wasted years on him. Man to say the honeymoon stage is way over at 2 months, the honeymoon stage should last way longer than 2 months!

[B]RUN....RUN LIKE MAD!!!!![/B]

US40126 08-22-2007 06:26 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Hi Emma.. I'm sorry to hear about this.. But if you are dead set on staying with this guy I would say to subtely mention the ex and that you have a feeling stuff is going on.. If you flat out tell him that you went snooping and you stay with him, he will only hide things better. But I do have to say that in the two months you have been with him things have progressed WAY too fast and are now going downhill WAY too fast.. it's only been two months!! I've been with my guy almost 3 months and there has been no mention of the L word even though I think I'm starting to fall for him, and we have had NO disagreements.. In my opinion, after only two or three months that's the way it should be. You might want to reconsider this guy.

brook65 08-22-2007 06:35 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Emma

I wouldn't say anything, don't tell him you read his texts, just end it.

Whats the point of mentioning the texts to him anyhow, you know what you read, there is probably nothing this guy can say to you now to make you think differently.

I would just act on your gut, bail out by giving another reason without mentioning the texts that you saw.

By the way, I remember reading your other thread about him not being able to promise to wait for you etc regarding you going to college.

To me this guy has come across as all talk, and a sleeze.

Two months of a relationship, believe me you should still be in the honeymoon phase. I wouldn't bother sorry:(

janetJ 08-22-2007 07:57 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Agreed. I would walk away without saying a word to him. Not only does he not deserve the explanation, he needs to be left to wonder, anyway.
I'm sorry this has happened. I understand the hurt of past relationships and wanting to find that special one. But please be strong and don't accept anything less than you deserve.

emma j 08-22-2007 08:05 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
THIS IS LONG...I'M SORRY.
Well what a dramatic few hours i've just had. Just a bit of background. I am with this guys just two months and well for about 1 months and 2 weeks we argued like cat and dog. He has a temper and gets very hot headed. Blows up over the most ridiculous things and then trys to turn it around like it my fault. This have been going really really wrong the last week. On monday we had a blazing argument where he actually mid traffic stopped his car turned off his engine and told me to get the ****** out of his car. We sorted things out that night(only to discover this morning he was also txting her while all this was happening). then yesterday when i thought things where ok again we starts again cos i wanted to stay in my own bed. Seriously i stay in his house like evry night and so he accused me of not making the effort. So he said he was comoing down that he had alot to say. Basically he was gonna end up. We again sorted things out and because we did he decided to go out and not come down. I was angry so he came and got me instead and we stayed in his. I have to say we had an amazing night together lasat night and i thought finally things where ok..
So after this morning and finding out what i did he txt me asking what the plans where for tonight. I'm going to a fashion show and said i might staye din his as its over early enough. My best friend is now coming with me(he hates her, he doesn't even know her) so this is how the txts went..seriously your gonna have to pick ur mouth of the floor when u read this.
Him(h):So whats the plan for tonight.
Me(m):I've no idea really. i've no idea what i'm i'm gonna be done
H:Oh ok well will youlet me know. I thought u said nine thirty
M:i know but ****(my best friend) is coming with me to an di think we're going for a drink after so i really don't know. My batt is about to die and i'm out so txt ya later( it wasn't really, i was just done talking!)
H:Ok then. Talk to ya later. I was gonna try get a shift in ****(place name) for sat and follow you out. I think i'll just leave it though. Talk to ya later(now that was purely done cos i wasn't staying tonight. Its not the first time he's been so childish and said well your not coming here i've changed my mined,He's such a child)I'm going out on sat and he was invited but the place we're going is across from where he works so he's just being spiteful.
H:I'll see how the week turns out(i.e. how we turn out!)
M:No you should that would be cool(me trying to keep it sweet before i dropped my bombshell!)
H: its grand forget about it talk to ya later, enjoy your night.
M:why you being like that?
H:Like what? you told me the other night in the car you would stay but now your going for drinks with ***, your super best friend(i personally think he's jealous of her, he's jealous and insecure about everything to do with me)
M: and whats wrong with that. Am i not allowed to change my mind it was ok for you to change your plans last night why are you always starting something with me.
H:I'm not starting anything. you asked me a questions and i have an answer. Look withou you thinking i'm threating you, i'm not sorting out any more stuff over txt. i'll talk about it when i see you. and its good your going out with your friends, your gonna need them. Don't txt me back.
H: this isn't working out, sorry good bye.
M: eh what. All of this cos i'm going out for a drink and not staying in yours
M:Yeah your right its not. Lets just leave it at that.

So that was the end of it. he's so childish. this is the second time he's jut rashly ended it.The last time was because i was alone with a guy in his aprtment...that he shared with his BOYRIEND!!!! ah..so in the end i never even got to tell him what i found but i defo will. I've had enough of him. but if i know him the way i think i do, he'll be crawling back in a day or so but no i've had enough. i think maybe tomorrow i'm gonna txt and say. just to let you know i was gonna end it anyways. you should really be careful what txts u keep in your phone especially ones from *****

Where do i go from here..i feel lost. after it all i did like this guy. I know i just move on..dont think about it. i need to get my stuff off him after that he's gone. ok and breathe!!

p.s. brooke your dead right he is a sleeze, skittley80 yes it did move way to fast and went down hill just as quick. i just went along with the quickness at the start.

PrincessSweetNS 08-22-2007 08:18 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Bonjour, Emma. :)

I agree witht he others. I know, cherie, I kwo that you want to stay with him, and just shows what a loving, forgiving person you are. You must be a ray of sunshine to those in your life!

I was in exactly the same situation you were in. I was born and raised in France, but I moved here to Québec for University.

About six months before I left Marseilles for here, I met a great man. He was about the same age as me, but in experience....well. I was a virgin (and was until I got married LOL) but he was how we say...player. He said all the 'right' things to me, and I believed him.

He would send me roses every other day, and gifts and take me out. He even charmed mywhole family. But I couldn't get the feelign off of me that soemthing was wrong. The way he would be just a [I]bit[/I] too firendly to female co-workers, friends and strangers. I thoguht I was just being jelaous.

I know it is wrong, but checked the chat logs from a previous conversation.... there were mostly from one girl, a neighbour of his. And enough it to say that those conversation said that things that one would normally hear in polite conversation, epsecially when they have BF/Gf.

It killed, me but I went on seeing him. I didn't tell him anyhitng, hoping that maybe I was overreacting. But then everything seemed so much clearer and i could see through all of the roses and perfumes. I could see through him, and it was ugly.

I broke up with him, just simply by returning my key, presents, and anyhting that reminded me of him (old movie stubs the like) and he asked why, and I said that I can't be in a realtionship with someone who gives me everything that a girl could want, but the 2 things I need---love and loyalty.

We ended up breaking up, which made me cry so hard. I had honestly thoguht he was the one. I loved him (even though we dated for three months) and my family loved him and my friends trusted him. I thoguht that I had lost my chance and I would be the spinster cat lady.

I almost didn't go away to University. I thought there would be no point. I wold only be an educated spinster cat lady. But I did, and a month after moving, I met my husband, and we are now married and trying for a baby :D I paused my schooling as I have no idea what i was studying for, but now I am takiing correspondence courses.


I say dump this guy, cherie. I know you don't want to. But I hear the hurt and frustration you feel. Can you imagine the hurt and frustration of this when you guys are married? Have children? I knwo from close (not my own) experience that it will get worse. Dating is when you put your best foot forward and try to impress while getting to know someone. After he 'relaxes' after you get married (which I know is awhile off, but think big picture) and is more balntant, will you be able to handle that? Will you be able to explain to your children?

Cheire, I say dump him and move on. Throw yourself into school to get over him. Join clubs, study hard and make new firends. You'll meet someone ten times better.

XOXOXXOXXO Geneviève-Angélique


LOL Never mind!! You already beat me!! Hahaha, glad you did it, cherie!!

BeaTrade 08-22-2007 08:21 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
I really wouldn't tell him that you snooped on his phone...you know what's going on with him and this other woman (EX) so be done with him...personally I think the whole conversation was childish. Don't stoop to his level...this relationship is so disfunctional why do you even continue to cause yourself all this pain? Go get your stuff and be done with it!

Ms_ENV27 08-22-2007 08:22 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
He already has a bad temper after 2 months? Umm.. you know thats completely NOT normal right? I mean how can I say this without being too blunt..? Are you that lonely or scared to be alone that you'll believe everything this guy says to you? Are you going to be THAT naive? I mean good Lord it's only been 2 months, this guy is supposed to be committed to you. but his actions are showing you 100% that he isn't as committed as you- then you believe him when i'm sure he came up with some stupid *** reasons for his actions with other females.

Ohhhhh but he probably sweet talked you, you two had a good night, so now everything is all peaches and cream??? I don't get it..

it's only been 2 months,, what the heck is making you stay around with this guy? I KNOW it hurts to end a relationship, and it's hard to stay away when all you want is to make the pain stop..so u let him back in..

But your first mistake was you didn't just end it..u gave him a chance to sweet talk you.........don't give him those chances,, go home, turn your phone off, go to a friends house, don't let him get a hold of you..

But I doubt after what all the other posters suggested, and then your actions were opposite of what everyone told u to do, that you'll even do anything about this.

And i'm sorry but having a temper after a couple months is pathetic, its even more pathetic and disrespectful for yourself to put up with it..

If my bf ever had a temper at 2 months I would of been hittin' the road..that's insane.

I really do wish you luck. I wish that females out there wouldn't be so weak and have more of a back bone to know it's okay to be by ourselves.. I'm not the strongest person, I have a good heart and that is used against me ,,,but I would never again in my life put up with someones unloving behavior--been there done that...

Good Luck emma j :angel:

P.S I really wasnt trying to be rude..i've been in your shoes before and thats the same advice I would give a friend.. you have to be honest sometimes even when it hurts..

emma j 08-22-2007 08:28 AM

Re: To girls, or guys, who have snopped in txt or mail and found something??
 
Nicole it wasn't rude it was to te point. But i wanna make it clear it didn't let him sweet talk me. i was all prepared to have it out with him and then out of nowhere he just ended it cos i wasn't staying over. didn't really get a chance to say what i was prepared myself to do.

Anyways its over now. He can go torment some other girl who will take it. i've had enough of him. Thanks for all your advice. i never thought i'd be "one of those girls" who put up with such bull and let her feelings of the guy take over and cloud her. Yeah i did have strong feelings for him but nothing it worth that.

thanks.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:51 PM.