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  • I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

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    Old 09-05-2007, 10:05 AM   #1
    Laylah
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    I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Well, that's about it! Of ALL THE THINGS he could have chosen to land in my lap I cannot believe he chose a PORN ISSUE! This man KNOWS MY MIND on this issue and I'm sort of swerving between extreme hurt and extreme shock right now. Here's the story:

    Three nights back he was messing around on his mobile looking at photos and I took the phone from him to look at some of the ones he'd taken of me (fully clothed, needless to say!) He got distracted with something else and I hit the back button to see what other photos he'd got. Wasn't snooping or expecting to find anything derogatory; he was sitting right beside me at the time. The next thing I see is a string of photos that nearly made me throw up on the phone.

    I was deeply disgusted by these filthy images. Butt naked women exposing themselves in the most vulgar and repulsive ways. I know lots of women have no problem with this, I know some women who even enjoy this kind of thing themselves; that's their business and I'm not putting them down for it, but there is NO PLACE for porn in my life or my relationship and my bf of five years knows this.

    It's deeper than the porn issue really; as disgusting as I find these images what's hurting me at the deepest level is that, while knowing the massive damage he was risking to our relationship, he would save this kind of filth to his phone in the first place. It says a lot to me about how much our relationship is worth to him if he'll put it in position of lesser importance behind a load of filthy porn images. I don't know whether to lose my temper or dissolve in floods of tears right now; I just feel emotionally abused.

    He doesn't see this as a porn issue; he's sees it as a control issue - apparently I "have no right to be dictating" to him what he has on his phone! So, in other words, I can be as hurt as disgusted as I like; it is none of my businesses since it isn't my phone!!!!!

    I lost the rag so bad I spent two nights at my sisters house and now I'm home he's gone to his brothers since we do not and cannot see eye to eye on this issue. I dont know what to do and am just up the walls. I dont know how much more I can take because it just seems like every couple of months this man finds a new way of hurting and insulting me and as much as I love him I'd love to just break his face right now. I am so upset, especially since wedding plans are/were in the pipeline.

    I dont even know what kind of advice I'm asking for because his attitude is turning my stomach and in the presence of that attitude I dont see a way to fix this.

    Last edited by Laylah; 09-05-2007 at 10:08 AM.

     
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    Old 09-05-2007, 10:12 AM   #2
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Well, I am one of those women who don't mind porn videos, magazines, or the occasional peek on the internet. However, saving pictures to your hard drive or even putting them on your phone is strange. I would be very upset if I found porn pics on my hubby's phone as well.

    Don't let him turn this around on you as a "control issue." He is messing with you by doing that.

    I don't have any advice. I am not going to tell you to dump him. However, you do need to think about your relationship b/c I am sure a trust has been broken. Your mind is going to start wondering about other things too. If you are constantly being hurt by this person, like you had mentioned, then you should leave and not return. I don't know what he has done in the past, but I do know that relationships should not hurt.

    Last edited by KeltoKel; 09-05-2007 at 10:13 AM.

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 10:28 AM   #3
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    You obviously feel very strongly about this issue, and he just doesn't seem to be on the same page with you. I'm not going to say "dump him" either, but I do think it's time for you to decide just how much of a deal breaker this is for you, how much you are willing to compromise, since he doesn't seem to be willing to compromise at all, except to lie about it. This can be a very big issue. We all remember the well known singer who dropped out of a big reality show because her husband did basically the same kind of thing, and she kicked him to the curb fast. It's time to figure out whether the two of you really are soul mates and meant to be together for life.

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 10:33 AM   #4
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by KeltoKel View Post
    Don't let him turn this around on you as a "control issue." He is messing with you by doing that.
    Thanks KeltoKel. I've isolated this quote from your post because I'm interested to know do others agree with this? I just dont know how to feel about all this; I've no doubt he'll be sticking by his guns on the "control" element he reckons is central to this situation. And yes, you're right; relationships are NOT supposed to hurt like this, and I strongly feel that if he had any regard for this relationship he wouldn't risk damage to it for the sake of a load of porn images.

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 10:34 AM   #5
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    I know lots of women have no problem with this, I know some women who even enjoy this kind of thing themselves; that's their business and I'm not putting them down for it, but there is NO PLACE for porn in my life or my relationship and my bf of five years knows this.
    Well Laylah, you know that I am one of those women who don't have a problem with porn. I would, however, have a HUGE problem if my husband were carrying around these pictures in his phone! Add in the fact that your long-term boyfriend knows exactly how you feel about this and deliberately put it somewhere where you could (and most likely would) find it is a problem.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah
    He doesn't see this as a porn issue; he's sees it as a control issue - apparently I "have no right to be dictating" to him what he has on his phone! So, in other words, I can be as hurt as disgusted as I like; it is none of my businesses since it isn't my phone!!!!!
    Well, he is right that it is his phone and he has a right to put on it what he wants. But you also have a right to either take or leave the situation. The fact that he said this to you and had it in such a place leads me to believe he wanted you to find it and wanted you to be upset. It's like he is trying to start an argument with you. Of course, I could be wrong, but that is the impression that I get.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah
    I dont even know what kind of advice I'm asking for because his attitude is turning my stomach and in the presence of that attitude I dont see a way to fix this.
    I don't even know what advice to give so I guess it's a good thing that you don't know what kind of advice you are asking for. I would think that after 5 years of being with someone this issue would have come up long ago and have been resolved. I get this nagging feeling that he is using it to push you away. I'm sorry, I hope I'm wrong, really I do, but something about it just seems so contrived (if that's the right word).

    I guess you really have to think about things. This isn't the first time he has put your relationship in jeopardy. It seems his selfish needs (again, sorry) take priority over your feelings. I think this would be the last straw for me if I were in your shoes.

    Now that I have probably completely insulted you I will stop typing. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude or hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to give you my outside perspective based on this and all of the other threads you have made about your relationship.

    EDIT: Yes, I agree with the above quote. He is messing with you by calling it a "control issue".

    Last edited by happymom28; 09-05-2007 at 10:36 AM.

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 10:37 AM   #6
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    You obviously feel very strongly about this issue, and he just doesn't seem to be on the same page with you. I'm not going to say "dump him" either, but I do think it's time for you to decide just how much of a deal breaker this is for you, how much you are willing to compromise, since he doesn't seem to be willing to compromise at all, except to lie about it. This can be a very big issue...
    Thanks LLM; that's what bothering me the most, like I said; I do feel strongly about this and he knows that but is obviously willing to disregard my feelings because clearly they take second place behind his right to get his cheap and tacky thrills. I just feel like throwing up right now...

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 10:41 AM   #7
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    Thanks LLM; that's what bothering me the most, like I said; I do feel strongly about this and he knows that but is obviously willing to disregard my feelings because clearly they take second place behind his right to get his cheap and tacky thrills. I just feel like throwing up right now...

    Laylah I know exactly how you feel......I feel the same way as you do about porn. I remember a long time ago reading in the paper about a woman who doused herself in gasoline and set herself on fire and died and she said she did it because porn ruined her life.....in a sick way I could almost identify with that woman......
    do I really need to give you my advice? you know what it is......

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 10:43 AM   #8
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Wow. I'm so sorry, Laylah

    Like Kelto there above me, I'm okay with porn with my hubby, together, in the privacy of our bedroom, to spice up our sex life. I think it's actually helped me come out of my shell a bit in the bedroom

    But either one of us having pornographic pictures of other people on our cell phones is a total different story. That wouldn't be okay with me, and I'm sure my hubby wouldn't appreciate it if I did that.

    It's not a control issue. It's a respect issue. And it's pretty flagrant disrespect, too. It's not like you found a stack of nudie mags hidden somewhere for his, um, "private" time. A cell phone is just so obvious <sigh>.

    Best of luck to you. I really don't know what to offer, but I did just want to let you know that as a woman who's "okay" with porn in a relationship, I would not be okay with that.

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 11:01 AM   #9
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    Well Laylah, you know that I am one of those women who don't have a problem with porn. I would, however, have a HUGE problem if my husband were carrying around these pictures in his phone!
    It's all the more valuable to me to hear that perspective coming from you Happymom, since it's expressed by a woman who doesn't have an issue worth porn itself.

    The idea that he's deliberately trying to push me away is inaccurate, but you haven't insulted me at all by expressing it. What he's trying to do is behave like a single man; I suppose, in essence, what he's wanting is all the benefits of a relationship with none of the drawback, one of which would be sometimes giving up partaking in pursuits which are hurtful or damaging to your partner.

    Apparently these images were sent to him by a workmate; he didn't ******** them himself and was quick to point that out - not that it makes any damn difference to me where they came from because if he didnt want them to be on his phone they wouldn't be there.

    He just called in while I was in the middle of typing this! He had to collect his clothes for work tomorrow. I minimised the screen long enough to tell him I'd had enough of being emotionally abused and that if he gave a (blank) about the relationship he wouldn't have been prepared to roll the dice with it for the sake of a few scruffy images. I'm congratulating myself for restraining the urge to punch him in the face! I'm nearly too angry to think straight right now!!!

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 11:06 AM   #10
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    The idea that he's deliberately trying to push me away is inaccurate, but you haven't insulted me at all by expressing it.
    Well, I do admit that I can be wrong about these things.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah
    Apparently these images were sent to him by a workmate; he didn't ******** them himself and was quick to point that out - not that it makes any damn difference to me where they came from because if he didnt want them to be on his phone they wouldn't be there.
    All he had to do was delete them, but apparently that was either too difficult or he just didn't want to. Either way, that excuse wouldn't fly with me either!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah
    I'm congratulating myself for restraining the urge to punch him in the face! I'm nearly too angry to think straight right now!!!
    Well, I'll congratulate you too! I know that must be tough given how you feel right now.

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 11:15 AM   #11
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post
    It's not a control issue. It's a respect issue. And it's pretty flagrant disrespect, too.
    Thank you StenoLady; I'll be pointing that out to him you can be sure! He intends to call me tomorrow, or so he said before I banged the door in his face...

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 11:17 AM   #12
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    All he had to do was delete them, but apparently that was either too difficult or he just didn't want to. Either way, that excuse wouldn't fly with me either!
    Yeah and it wasn't even like they were in is inbox; they were in his photo album, so he'd obviously stored them deliberately and wasn't trying to say otherwise!

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 11:19 AM   #13
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    Laylah I know exactly how you feel......I feel the same way as you do about porn. I remember a long time ago reading in the paper about a woman who doused herself in gasoline and set herself on fire and died and she said she did it because porn ruined her life.....in a sick way I could almost identify with that woman......
    do I really need to give you my advice? you know what it is......
    Indeed I do Rose, lol! What was the score with that women who doused herself in petrol? Did she do that because her bloke wouldn't stop looking at porn? A bit bleedin extreme imo, lol

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 12:17 PM   #14
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    Hi Laylah,

    I'm very sorry you are upset, I really am. This is how I look at your situation, your BF knows how you feel about Porn so he knows he can't look at Porn openly with you, thus he feels he has to hide it. My younger brother does the same with his wife, he only looks at porn when his wife goes away traveling.

    I don't think it's a control issue, I think that's it perfectly normal for most men to want to look at porn, it's a man thing.

    I am 50 years old and when my 1st husband started renting Porn Video's, I was shocked! I was embarrassed, I didn't want to watch the video, but I finally gave in and to my surprise it was a turn on for both of us. I actually learned some things from watching these video's! So it brought me out of the "porn closet" also. I went from being a prude to being more sexy, but that's me.

    Do you think it would be possible for you to watch a porn movie with your BF? Have you ever tried it? It's really not so terrible once you give it a chance and you may even like it. It's not like you are doing drugs, it's only a film. I think that if you would experiment a little, then your BF would not feel the need to hide it from you and you both would even get closer!

    I think porn is really innocent but I see you feel very strongly about it. Is it worth having problems over this? Would it really upset you to give it a chance? What do you have to lose?

    In my eyes relationships are about compromise.

    Sunny

     
    Old 09-05-2007, 01:11 PM   #15
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    Re: I CANNOT BELIEVE he's given me a PORN ISSUE to deal with!!!

    I don’t have an issue with porn. It does bring spice to a relationship. If you were to go into any garage (mechanic) you would prob see some sort of vulgar pic of a woman in some nasty pose. It seems to be the norm for men. They are very visual. Were the pics of the professional type or were they of someone like taken at home? If they were professional it wouldn’t bother me. But if they were home pics of some skank then I’d hit the roof. If it would have been me I would have given him time to explain why he saved the pics. My guess is he was planning on sending them to one of his friends. Or maybe he didn’t have time to check them out so he just hit store. I do that if I get a msg and am in a hurry…anyway. I bet your bf is at a point where he feels like he gives and gives and has made the changes you want..and he will not give much anymore. With the deal about his son and all...I dunno. It all goes back to what is your relationship like when there is no drama. If its great..then this isn’t anything to go postal about. But if its not then you should be thinking about his actions. I disagree with him being disrespectful. It could have been an honest mistake on his part..but he didn’t have a chance to explain…or figured there was no use because you already explained it for him..in your own words. If you love him and want to be with him then you will accept his occasional mishaps. You will be hard pressed to find a man that has no flaws. Laylah he does seem like a good man...good luck in whatever happens..
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