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Old 09-05-2007, 10:47 PM   #1
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1212Bob HB User
need some help from the experts

Hi, I need a little help with this one.. This relationship has been emotionally wearing me down and I need to know how to take control of this as it seems out of control. I need to know how to handle this women..Shes making my life horribly miserable. Let me give you some background information 1st.

We been together for 10 years.. married for 5 .. I divorsed her 2 years ago. We continue to see each other.. She was too difficult to live with.. complains and punishes me for everything.. I couldn’t take anymore so asked for a divorse. I wanted her out of my house.. she was making me insane.. however…I didn’t or wasn’t ready to end it all.. I just wanted some peace but at the time I thought I didn’t want her either.. I just figured this was for the I did it.. but we continued to this day to see each other..

Heres the problem .. with me.. I still love the girl..and care for her.. and have a huge sexual attraction towards her….all the feelings are there…. I just cant stand her.. I tried going out with several other people after the divorse.. but every person.. all I could do was think about my wife…..and the sexual part doesn’t work well either.. with someone else.. which tells me I still care about my wife.. Theres not much else out there I see I like.. and then I get depressed and just keep this relationship going in hopes some miracle will happen and she will start to treat me better.

My intentions are good….but the whole thing seems hopeless.. cause I don’t like the way she treats me all the time.. and its gotton a lot worse. She acts like a primadonna. I have confusing feelings cause I want to tell her to F herself and forget about her… on the other hand.. I don’t want to loose her because Im suffering and like being with her when she treats me right.. Let me spell out the behavior patterns and maybe someone can tell me what I am dealing with.

She seems to be jealous over everything..I mean everything.. even guys…. when we were dating, I bought a new car, she was so ****** off and jealous I had to go and buy her one too. When ever I wanted to go out with a friend she would get really mad.. say ignorant things to me.. smart like.. “ Go, go out .. assh&&le “ and make me feel so rotton I couldnt even have a good time.. and I only went out once in great while.. I remember one time friends of mine whom I haven’t seen in over a year came over 150 miles and were camping 3 miles from me.. they wanted me to come up and camp.. I asked her if she would come…she said no she was tired and wanted to go to bed.. .. so I said I would like to go see all my friends they wont be here again… for a long time all together.. I got so much crap over that… she got so mad that I wasn’t going to spend time with her.. that night.. I had to call and say I couldn’t come.. It was a real dissapointment… and what did she do for me.. that night…nothing… ignored me all night anyway.. went to bed..

This crap happened all the time,, I would always try and include her… Id even beg.. it wasn’t about that I don’t think… she just didn’t want me to go…she would complain if I ever went anywhere and if I would stay at home I got ignored…she would just sit there and watch tv and sit on the other side of the room.. anyway.. so why did I stay home for,. And she would get ****** if I went somewhere even if she wasn’t at home ….say when she was working and I said I was going to my moms for dinner or out with a friend to get something to eat.. I would get a bad attitude.. like I wasn’t allowed to go. I would get answers like “go have a good time jackass”

She holds things against me for years and years… One time I yelled at her for driving over the curb with the car while I was in it.. back in 98 till this day I am not allowed to ride in a car with her driving.. I must drive.. even if I was bleeding to death and begged her to drive me to the hospital… she would not do it. And the reason… because I yelled at her 9 years ago. Shes still ****** about that.. She doesn’t like my Mother cause my mother said something mean to her in 2003. she doesn’t like any of my friends, She hasn’t talked to her parents since 1979 cause they were mean to her.. she don’t talk to her bothers either..she cant get along with anyone at work.. she doenst have too many friends.. the only people that befriend her are old people… maybe because they feel sorry for her..

I would never know when I would get a crap treatment from her… one day.. I come home and not talking to me. I have no reason why… I ask to sit down and talk to me .. she would run upstairs and lock her self in the room.. it would take days, months… to get the answer out.. Id have to beg and beg.. what did I after day.. and it would usually be something totally ridiculous.. every little thing… if someone called me on the phone she get ****** and say I was ignoring her.. then sleep in the other room,… , If I came home a few minuets late from work… sleep in the other room.. you name it.. if I used her dish soap to wash my hands…. Sleep in the other room …I was being punished. She ******* slept in the other room so much.. it was like her bedroom now..

I never never and I mean never win an argument with her.. Never.. she will never apologize to me… never say Im sorry never.. its always my fault.. even if I caught her doing something and video taped her in the act… she will still deny doing it. Most of the time she wont let me talk she will talk over me or simply walk away right in the middle of my talking. Like I don’t give a ****. If Im trying to explain something that bothers me …she don’t want to hear it.

If I would go to her house and say to her Im really hot in here.. please turn on the air… her responce would be “well I’m not hot” Please turn the air on Im feeling sick or I will have to leave.. answer “ this isn’t your house to dictate to me , Im fine its not hot in here”

shes mad all the time.. at something…and cold cold cold as ice to me.. no sex… I have to beg.. and Ive heard every possible excuse out there to get out of it.. or…worse yet…. Sometimes she will let me please her… then after shes finished say Im done.. I don’t want any..rude! Id have to go upstairs with my blue balls and suffer..

Now let me say a few things.. she can be nice when she wants to.. I can have wonderful time and sex is good couple times a week.. but then something will change it all… and seems like everything is my fault … even if it has nothing to do with me.. Examples.. one time she was ****** cause she put diesel fuel in her car by accident.. and drove it to the engine blew up.. she was mad at me and didn’t talk to me because……….Im the one that bought her that piece of **** car.. years ago.. before it was good now it’s a piece of **** and my fault.. .she ran her credit cards into oblivian….now that’s my fault. Too. I ruined her credit.

So you may be wondering why any normal person would want to be around someone like this.. well I got fed up with all the **** and blew her off.. I ignored her all the time the latter part of the marriage..I found happiness with my friends, and doing things without her.. and she did not like that at all.. Yes I was an *** but I was fed up at that point.. then the tables were turned.. I didn’t care… she wanted to talk… I didn’t.. she tried everything to get me to change my mind.. about divorse… I didn’t want to hear it…cried about it… cried at the closing.. cried looking at places for her to move into.. she didn’t want to go.. but I forced it..

6 months after I felt a little bad about everything and wanted to start treating her better. And I have been super wonderful.. seems the tables are turned around again and shes treating me like a doormat again. I get blowed off, jerked around, no sex, some sex.. I never know.. shes treats me worse now than ever.. she treated me better when I was treating her like crap.. this is one giant mess.. everything was going fine for about 7 months then all at once… stopped.. and I been getting the cold shoulder, blown off, acting funny.. no sex.. for 2months now. I have been trying for 2 months now to find out what this problem is now.. again stupid stuff… shes ruined her credit and was mad at me about that,… and because the neighbor guy came over to the house several times when she was there….like he was somehow interfering.. with us togeather.. ridiculous..
I guess that’s the reason for all the bad treatment…she was jealous of this guy somehow who I aint even friends with..

let me add one more thing.. shes mentally slow.. I had an issue with this at 1st but eventually accepted her for who she was,… shes pretty, nice body.. and treated me nice when we 1st met… .. things got worse after we married. I always thought of her behavior as she cant help it…or doesn’t understand .because of her handicap…. so I had to baby her.. and apologize even when it wasn’t my fault..all the time,.. its gotten out of hand now and I don’t know how to deal with it other than walk away and let her screw herself up. Shes an idiot. Im curious to know if she acts this way is that she thinks I will always be there.. can walk all over me and Im not going anywhere.. as Im the one over there begging…. Begging and she acts like a frickin primadonnna to me. .. sorry this is so long but I need some expert advice.. I feel really hurt over everything.. cause I do care.. but I have to take her abuse all the time and suffer with the cold shoulder , no talking to ect… until I go over there and take her out to dinner and flowers and apologize for whatever.. like it matters.. well any advice? Counceling is out… she already said there is nothing wrong with her and its ME ME ME I need the help… I need to go alone.

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Old 09-06-2007, 05:13 AM   #2
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Re: need some help from the experts

Hello 1212Bob

Shew! Drama! Bless your heart.

Okay, first let me get this out of the way. You have created a monster. Im sorry but you have spoiled this lady to death. Im a real good one to say this but, we teach people how to treat us. We give off signs as to what we will take from other people. Like when you were fed up, she knew that and turned around for the good. But when you caved she sensed that too.

What do you mean by "slow"? Truly a mental handicap or just like dont get a joke real quick?

It has to stop. Ask her what she wants? Tell her you got one good chance left for her otherwise your moving on. And do so. She is not your responsiblity anymore. You do not have to worry if she has friends. She has to learn to help herself.

What if you got counsling? That would help identify any unknown trait that might be feeding her and allowing you to accept this treatment.

Why does she not have a relationship with her family? Is she just that precious that no one does her right?

She just sounds spoiled to death to me and needs to get over herself. It is not all about her and you need to stop acting like it is. Move on!

Keep us posted.

Last edited by MCMA; 09-06-2007 at 05:14 AM.

Old 09-06-2007, 05:52 AM   #3
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Re: need some help from the experts

She sounds like a miserable person who likes to drag everyone else down with her. I am finding it very hard to understand what is so great about her that you feel like you want to stay? Everything that you listed makes her sounds like a loser. What's there to hold on to? Doesn't sound like much.

She's not going to change. She is who she is, end of story. And if you want to live a miserable life with a miserable person who hates everything and everyone, then go for it. But if you want to live a happy and fulfilling life with someone who will treat you well and make you feel good, then you have to end this with her. You did the right thing by getting a divorce. Now you have to cut her off totally and you can move on with your life. You don't owe her anything, just walk away!!

Old 09-06-2007, 06:31 AM   #4
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happymom28 HB User
Re: need some help from the experts

I don't care what excuses you make for her behavior (your ignoring her for 6 months after or mental state), the bottom line is she is a selfish *****! No, I honestly for the life of me can not see why you would be with her after all of this time and after divorcing her. I know you say you love her, but honestly, I think it is at the point where you don't know any better.

She has completely killed your self esteem. Trust me, you are not the problem, she is! Look at the history here. She hasn't talked to her parents in nearly 30 years. She hates your mother and your friends. She doesn't talk to her brothers. All of these people have wronged her somehow. Do you see a pattern?

There is nothing you can do to make this situation any better. You can pray for all the miracles you want but she will always be a cold and nasty women who only cares about her own needs and happiness. No offense, but you need to get a spine and tell her where to go and how to get there.

Cut her off completely. It is the right thing to do. Reclaim your life and your sanity. It may even help to seek some therapy at this point. Your feeling of self worth must be in the crapper. Once you start to feel better about you and are not constantly worried about ******* off a woman who is always ****** off you will see things for what they really are. Then you will be able to move on with your life and find happiness.

Honestly 1212bob, you need out of this relationship. She is who she is and she is happy that way. You will NEVER change her so stop trying. You deserve so much more love and respect. Love yourself and dump her nasty ***! I promise you, a year from now you will be wishing you never went back to her.

Old 09-06-2007, 07:32 AM   #5
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summer1979 HB User
Re: need some help from the experts

He messed up your life for so many years and until now she's messing you around... I just can't understand why you have to ask others point of view when in fact u explained very very well all the things that she done with you... You don't even need an expert for an advice here because she's bluntly showing her real color for so many years with you.... how horrible and wicked she is (sorry for the term bec as far as i can see she is like that).

Live your life without here. There is no love in your relationship, just plain heartaches. You wasted your life for long years and it's time to move on... can't u see?

Everyone have the right to be loved... and your not getting it from her.

Old 09-06-2007, 07:47 AM   #6
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Re: need some help from the experts

Well, I think you just have to decide how much more abuse you're willing to take just because "she has a nice body and she's pretty and she's 'nice' to me sometimes" when most of the other times, seems you can't do anything right, you can't please her, and you don't respect her intelligence or her mind, or really her heart. You're divorced, there's nothing legally obligating you to her. You have made yourself a prisoner to this abusive woman, and only YOU can set you free, and that will happen the moment YOU decide that even though you may still have loving feelings for her, and even though you think she's hot, yoou cannot change her, and you just can't live with her, she's not the one for you, and YOU decide to stop sleeping with her, stop engaging her, stop communicating with her except for legal matters, and move on and forge a life and a relationship that you can be happy in.

Old 09-06-2007, 11:00 AM   #7
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1212Bob HB User
Re: need some help from the experts

thanks for the kind words.. I know all of you are right.. and I've known this myself.. thats why I went through with the divorse.. but just having a hard time standing on my own 2 feet and letting go... 10 years of memories, both good and bad long time for me.. longest I ever been with anyone.. and kinda ****** that just dont understand why she cant just be nice. I guess its impossible.. Ive always had a hard time with seperation anxiety..and Im going through it now.. oh and what I meant by mentally slow is jusy that.. shes challanged.. that is why i put up with all the crap over the years and I thought she just doesnt understand sometimes how to behave in a relationship and acts like a little kid... the little kid though is a rotton brat and I never learned how to give it a spanking.. she badmouths me to everyone and people support her because they feel sorry for her or whatever sympathetic... and that never has helped me.. Im the bad guy.. to everyone.. and just reinforces it to her. we have no common friends so my side of the story is never heard... she makes me out to be some horrible person ...

Old 09-07-2007, 07:11 AM   #8
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ladyfairhair HB User
Re: need some help from the experts

Hi Bob- you are a trooper for sure to be putting up with all that. Maybe let her go -chances are shes not going to change- she doesnt even want to try.

I understand what you mean about being with someone alot of years and then not being with them- its scary. I may be facing that very same thing near in the future.

What if you met someone else whos pretty- good body- and not rude and not spoiled - and is mature and is stable etc etc? why do you think she the only one in the world? You might be wasting all your time on this huge pain in the butt. Seems the only way she behaves is if your "mean" to her and then what? These games shes playing must be driving you mad.

Unless your not telling us something here- then it is NOT your fault but all hers. Can you say RUUUNNN!!!!?????

I would say that you have been a real good person to look past her having any disabilities(being slow as you say) and find out who she really was ( in the begining of relationship) you are person of great character for doing that. unless you were just going for her BODY HA just kidding around.

Good luck with this one - you need all you can get with this one

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