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    Old 09-07-2007, 01:25 PM   #1
    map60
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    Unhappy Trapped in a loveless marriage

    This is my first post ever, anywhere...i am so sad all the time, for many reasons but i think the one that is deepest is causing all the others to surface more frequently so that all i can do is keep from crying all the time...

    I have been married for nearly 20 years...i have 3 children, 17, 16 and 14 almost 15...yes, 3 kids in 2-1/2 years...i married my husband too quickly, after a 13 mo. LONG DISTANCE romance...yes, i was on the rebound after about 5 rocky years with my college b/f...i was having such a hard time meeting any good guys in the the 8 months that i was single that when i found one that was OK, i reeled it in...i know what the main problem was...our initial attraction centered around our bad habits...substance abuse ones that is...drinking, smoking (pot and cigs), occasional cocaine use...now when i look back, every time we were together we were using one or more (not a lot of coke, that was very occasional, but we did use it together the first time we met)...at least he has a steady job and has been the main supporter of the family financially, i've held p/t jobs for the past 12 yrs...

    anyway, things changed drastically when i became pregnant with our first child 2 yrs. after we married...i stopped everything cold turkey...and since my first child was only 6 mos. when i became pregnant again, and i was still nursing, i never started doing any of it again...

    when my oldest was 9, i gradually started smoking cigarettes again and even started drinking more, sometimes during the day by myself before the kids came home from school...that lasted until she was 12...things were a little better between my husband and i during that time period, but i know i don't want to return to those addictions just to make my marriage better...

    we never talk, we never go anywhere together because its no use being with someone who doesn't talk to you, i think he has a self-esteem issue because any little thing i say he views as critical either to him or someone else, so i think that is why he doesn't talk...we went to counseling 3 times about 8 yrs. ago, the therapist suggested we go out on dates, that didn't last, we had nothing to say unless we were drinking...

    i know we should have divorced a long time ago, but i didn't want that stigma or to disappoint my parents (i was raised Catholic), and most of all i didn't want my kids to come from a broken home...so instead i have just suffered for the past 15 or so years...there is no sex at all, and since he is overweight and snores, i have to leave the bed as soon as he falls asleep because the snoring wakes me up...i have no interest in having sex with someone who can't talk to me anyway...if the relationship was good then i could forgive the fact that he is out of shape, but i'm not going to lower myself to have sex with someone i really can't stand...now if he had a hot bod, i could forgive the no talking!!! i did have 1 brief affair just to make sure it wasn't the sex i was avoiding or not liking and it wasn't! but that was purely a physical relationship, and it was nice to have someone saying nice things to me again, for the short time. I still wear my wedding ring, but i've been thinking of taking it off...he stopped wearing his when i took mine off for awhile because i was working catering jobs and told him i got more attention (from men) when i wasn't wearing a ring, so he took his off...he can't even fit it back on now, he's gained probably 40-50 lbs since we've been married, he wasn't that fit to begin with tho...

    but i am really lonely for someone to talk to and do the things i enjoy with...right now i can do most of them with my kids, but the clock is ticking, my oldest leaves for college next Fall...i am thinking of finding a "pen pal"/e-mail friend, just to have someone to talk and vent to, and i'm wondering if anyone can point me in the right direction...thanks so much

     
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    Old 09-07-2007, 02:15 PM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    Staying in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children and to avoid the stigma of being a divorcee is never the answer map60. I think you really need to face that at this point.

    I would suggest therapy but the two of you have already tried and it didn't work. You don't communicate. Neither one of you want to try. So why are you staying? You're children are nearly grown and they are going to go on in their own lives. You are going to be stuck in the same situation being miserable. How is that beneficial for anyone.

    I am never one to just go and shout "get divorced", but I honestly I don't see what other options you have at this point. Your children deserve happy parents, your husband deserves a woman who loves and him and wants to be with him, and you deserve to be with a man that makes you happy and that you can talk to.

    Your children are not benefiting from you staying together either. The marriage you portray to your children is the kind of marriage they will seek because that is what they see as the norm. That is why so many women in abusive relationships (for example, I'm not saying you are abused) end up having children in abusive relationships. Happy parents make happy children. It doesn't matter if their parents are not together as long as they are getting all of their physical and emotional needs met. That is a lot easier to make possible when you are happy.

    Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to seek some therapy alone and see what he/she suggests. I also think it may be a good idea to consult a lawyer about your options. Of course, that is just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

     
    Old 09-08-2007, 07:51 AM   #3
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    Your kids are not "kids" anymore. They are young adults. You should talk to them and explain the situation and file for a divorce.
    I know how you feel about the no talk/ no sex. It is the same with me. What is it with guys and thinking they can ignore you for the whole day and then get in bed and you'll be all over them? I don't think the hot bod would do much good for you either. My husband is in pretty good shape, and I still don't want to have sex with him most of the time because there is no emotional connection.
    Either way. I know your situation, and I have young kids, so I know what it is like to not want them to go through their parents' divorce. But like I said, your kids are old enought to know better by now. Just don't let it be a surprize to them. Talk to them, tell them how you feel, and get out of that marriage.
    Your parents might be disapointed to begin with, but you are their daughter, and they will forgive you at least. At best, they will be happy that you are taking a step towards your own happiness.
    Just my 2cents

     
    Old 09-08-2007, 03:27 PM   #4
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    I can relate to what you've said with alot of your issues, (as I had personal experience of many of them). But in hindsight, I can truly say......the only thing keeping me trapped in that loveless marriage was MYSELF. I took action to remedy the situation. I hope you do too. Best of luck.

     
    Old 09-09-2007, 08:01 PM   #5
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    I, too, feel trapped in a loveless marriage. Like you, I married my husband 20 years ago after my college sweetheart broke up with me. For the first 10-15 years, while the kids were young, things were fine. Now that our daughter is in college and our son, a high school senior, is busy, I hate my life. We have nothing in common (except the kids), rarely talk, I hate sex with him.... I want out but don't know how to do this. I'll hurt people, lose friends...but I'm so unhappy I can hardly stand it. I need courage to escape...

     
    Old 09-10-2007, 11:49 AM   #6
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    ok, i'm not sure a guy's perspective here is going to be helpful or not but here it goes. i too am stuck in a loveless marriage and, coming up on my 17 th anniversary, it's been almost five years that i/we have each known that something was broken. we've talked, but at the end of the conversation the answer is always the same: neither one of us loves each other any more.

    She was my college sweetheart, and we dated in college, after college and then got married. we have two boys, one 14 the other 12 and both mean the world to us. which seems to be why we and a lot of others seem stuck where we are, for the kids. I too hate the idea of my boys being from a broken family (the description alone stings), and since i came from one it takes on a larger sense of destiny rather than just the happenstance of two individuals who have grown apart from each other. we are surrounded by people who have gotten seperated/divorced and at some level it seems so selfish for the adults. I know what i want and i have to believe that my wife wants the same (attention, companionship, intimacy) but sometimes i feel like it's my duty in life to sacrifice my own wants and desires for those of my sons. We can't all just be hedonists and continually seek out our pleasures at the expense of those around us can we?

    At the beginning of the summer we were going to tell the boys what was going on with us, the marriage not working any more, etc. But we never talk other than about the boys sports, house, food, so it hasn't been discussed either between us or with the boys. nothing's changed, time marches forward, we each get older and we each know that when the boys leave the house we'll both be staring at each other saying "now what?".

    I want so much to have done everything differently, to have listened better, cared more, said more / less, but i don't know that it was all me that caused this thing to fail. My wife is a beautiful person who loves her children very much and is a great mother, it's just that sometimes a person can't be both a great mother/father AND a great wife/husband at the same time.

    I hate this place in my life and it is depressing (literally), and i can't even begin to imagine living away from my children even part of the time, so i am stuck on the same treadmill as some of you.

     
    Old 09-10-2007, 08:19 PM   #7
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    I am new at this but I would like to offer my little bit of life experience. I have been married 16 years. We hit a rough patch in year 13 & that lasted 12-18 months, but we got back on track. The one thing I came away with was I needed to care about her more than myself and she needed to do the same for me. There is no way my marriage was going to last until we communicated regularly and we each found reasons to care about one another. This seemed impossible at the low point where we started from but with communication we slowly clawed our way back to being happy and wanting to spend time together.
    We all get married for one reason or another - hopefully Love is the original reason. I have come to believe tis LOVE is like a plant though, if you don't feed it and care for it regularly, it will wither and die.
    You all seem to care greatly about the kids involved. If each of you can say that you honestly gave everything you could, did everything you can to try to give this plant some new life - multiple times. I say try once more but you must communicate what you are doing & see if idea is reciprocated by your spouse. Even if it is reciprocated even a little or they are not sure = that can be a beginning! If your spouse says they feel nothing anymore or really want to call it quits you are only doing yourself & your family a disservice by not moving-on.

    Good Luck,
    Roger

     
    Old 09-10-2007, 09:35 PM   #8
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    GREAT NEWS! You do not have stay in a loveless marriage!

    You have two options, as I see it. You can stay, or you can go.

    If you stay, this will most likely require you and your husband both going to see a professional. it takes a willingness and determination on both of your parts to rediscover love in your marriage. it takes forgiving past hurts, dealing with painful situations, and doing difficult things to show the other person love, even when we are hurting. it takes putting your emotions aside and CHOOSING to be optimistic. I recommend the book, assuming there is a willingness on both of your parts, The Five Love Languages. You and your hubby have probably gotten into a habit of treating each other (and perhaps yourselves) poorly and voila: you have a cruddy marriage. But it is repairable.

    YOu can go. you can go through the steps of closing out this chapter in your life. you will go see a professional, most likely by yourself, and perhaps occasionally with yoru husband to discuss the dissolution of this relationship and where to go next. You will go see another professional, a lawyer, who will help you divy up your stuff. Over time, you will move on and start another relationship possibly, perhaps doing things you didn't in the first, or perhaps your partner doing things the other didn't. you may miss your previous partner at times, you may be eternally thankful you left when you did.

    but you never know...and that's the fun and torture of it all.

    The first stop is recognition. You can't improve or change until you first realize the need. If there is even a slight amount of hope, desire, drive in you to repair your relationship with the father of your children, I encourage you to do it. Not because I think divorce is evil, but because i firmly believe in the reparation of relationships. I mean, if you could have a loveFILLED marriage with your current husband, would you want it? And what I am getting at is that sometimes that thing that is the hardest to achieve, is the most worth obtaining.

    I was in a verbally and physically abusive relationship. I wasn't simply a victim, i was a perpetrator. I have stayed with that man, and we've worked through it. How many times we wanted to end it!!!! How many times we did end it! But oh, how unbelievably happy, close, and loving we are NOW because of the struggles we went through. This man means so much to me, (and no, i'm not dependent upon him). To have repaired that relationship, to take something so unbelievably broken and to finally see the day when it is whole, is understatedly AMAZING. The impossible became possible.

    But it was hard as heck...death looked so lovely at times...who'd ever thought that insanity could be followed by incredibaly warmth, love, joy, and sensitivity...so just be prepared either way...

    Last edited by Chubbycheeks; 09-10-2007 at 09:38 PM.

     
    Old 09-10-2007, 09:45 PM   #9
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    I say if the marriage is really bad...I mean deal breaker bad...affairs, abuse, drinking, drugs...that sort of marriage then you should not stay. But if it's just in a rut, then I say do everything you can to get it back on track and tell your partner exactly how you feel so that they have to opportunity to change. Seperate if need be but but make divorce the last resort. Just realize that there might be a Mr or Miss Right out there waiting for you...but the chances are you will not find anyone that's all that wonderful. Just saying, don't leave because you think you'll find this fairy tale marriage out there because those are few and far in between. Also consider how much you will miss the life you will leave behind because nothing will ever be the same again.
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    Old 09-11-2007, 06:57 AM   #10
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    Unhappy Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    Thank you to all of you who have given me your two cents, I truly appreciate your opinions because I have really only opened up to the reality of my marriage situation to 3 girlfriends, 2 who live out of town, and i don't really like to harp on it with my local g/f, who left her own rocky, abusive marriage and is now happily married to husband #2...i know i won't do anything to change things until my youngest graduates from h/s, i am looking for a job now (my p/t one ended in July as the company folded) and perhaps if i meet some people who fulfill some of my needs for companionship (i.e. being able to talk) that will give me the strength to eventually leave my marriage...it would be easier if i wasn't so attached to my homestead though, as we bought the property before we were married then designed our own home, but actually it's far from being finished and i actually refer to it as my "campground" and am embarrassed to have people over, so we don't unless it is in the big backyard, but still it is the only "home" my 3 kids have known...and FYI, my teenagers, though they don't hear us argue, know that things are not good with my husband and I have even shared with them that alcohol was a major part of our pre-children marraige and warned them about letting alcohol cloud their judgment...fortunately my 2 oldest, 17 and 16, have no interest in alcohol or drug use, now my youngest is the one i will have to watch out for!!! thanks again for all your input and it DOES help to know there are many others out there in the same boat as I...women AND men!

     
    Old 09-11-2007, 08:41 AM   #11
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by luckyroger94 View Post
    I am new at this but I would like to offer my little bit of life experience. I have been married 16 years. We hit a rough patch in year 13 & that lasted 12-18 months, but we got back on track. The one thing I came away with was I needed to care about her more than myself and she needed to do the same for me. There is no way my marriage was going to last until we communicated regularly and we each found reasons to care about one another. This seemed impossible at the low point where we started from but with communication we slowly clawed our way back to being happy and wanting to spend time together.
    We all get married for one reason or another - hopefully Love is the original reason. I have come to believe tis LOVE is like a plant though, if you don't feed it and care for it regularly, it will wither and die.
    You all seem to care greatly about the kids involved. If each of you can say that you honestly gave everything you could, did everything you can to try to give this plant some new life - multiple times. I say try once more but you must communicate what you are doing & see if idea is reciprocated by your spouse. Even if it is reciprocated even a little or they are not sure = that can be a beginning! If your spouse says they feel nothing anymore or really want to call it quits you are only doing yourself & your family a disservice by not moving-on.

    Good Luck,
    Roger
    Roger, I totally agree with everything you said. It just makes sense! Especially the part about if you don't take care of your plant, it will wither and die. People get married for the long term and yet during that term it is going to be for better or worse. This is constant effort on both parties. I say effort because in the beginning of your relationship it's all fun and easy going, but once you get into the responsability of work,home,bills and children the days seem so jumbled and gets hard to find the "Spark" you once shared. It's almost like you lost your own identity, when in fact, this is the identity you signed up for. These things that piled up in life was not just created by one peron, but by both who were trying to create the "Marriage". This is the description. This is what couples in a marraige do.

    I personally am going to take your advice on concentrating on my spouses needs more than my own. I will start today and keep going every day, because that is what it is all about. Do unto others as they do unto you! I will make this contagious to my husband. I challenge all of you that are having the same issues to give it your best shot before you call it quits! Try to talk to your partner and commit to acts of love every day even when you really don't feel like you have it in you. See if things start to change and share your outcome to all of us. This could be interesting .

    Last edited by walkabout; 09-11-2007 at 08:45 AM. Reason: error

     
    Old 09-11-2007, 09:00 AM   #12
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    Yeah I agree with the plant analogy from Luckyroger too...this is sooo very true!
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    Last edited by BeaTrade; 09-11-2007 at 09:05 AM.

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 01:32 PM   #13
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    Wow, I have to admit that I am sitting here crying....we always seem to think that "i.m the only one"....its so good to know that its not true!
    Chubbycheeks, you sound very wise, and i wish i could see past the hurt and believe and trust the way you did...
    I joined here out of loneliness and desperation to talk..and now it seems i dont know how to start...
    Those of you that have been hurt in your marriages, how does one get the hurt inside of you, out! Can anyone answer?

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 07:02 PM   #14
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    My marriage stinks right now. Hubby is going through YET ANOTHER selfish stage and I'm totally alone (except for my kids). No talking, no NOTHING and besides being mad, I don't really care. He can't even hurt my feelings right now because I don't even feel like I love him anymore. He puts me last every day and is only nice when he want something. I'm stuck. This is officially an arrangement. I can't live somwhere decent without him and drive a decent car and my kids deserve to live in a decent place, so I stay. I just don't fight with him but it's still annoying.

    Sorry to hijack a thread but marriage is not easy and not for everyone I guess. I never would have picked a guy who does this, but this is my lot in life. he's working alot this week and as usual, I'm thrilled about it. I'd rahter not have him home than have him here being a lump and ignoring me. ugh.

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 07:36 PM   #15
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    Re: Trapped in a loveless marriage

    HillaryB, does your husband know how you feel? sure, i bet he senses you are ticked off, but does he have any sort of empathy for you whatsoever?

    does he at least know that, "Hey, something's not working here and we've got to do something about it." Even if he doesn't know what to do or is so selfish he is not doing what he should...?

     
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