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    Old 09-12-2007, 07:10 AM   #1
    Hazel_Eyes
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    the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    Hey Everybody,

    I have posted here back in the day about how my boyfriend had some issues. Long story short, he has made leaps and bounds to keep me around. He has realized that I will not tolerate that behavior and that he really needs to grow up. Like I said, he has gone through so much...

    That is not why I am posting today. I dont even know if this is the right place to post it. Please hear me out...

    My boyfriend has a 2 year old from his previous relationship. They never got married and they have both went their separate ways. They did not go through court either. She has called all the shots since their split up. Alyssa, my boyfriend's daughter, stays with her mom 90 percent of the time. She has even decided that we only get to see her on the weekends. PERIOD. My boyfriend has gone along with that and he has been paying child support - willingly.

    His ex has some issues. For starters, she is a 24 year old who has a 16 (17 year old) boyfriend. We personally don't like that idea. Secondly, she CANNOT hold a steady job. She will work for a week and quit. She never really needed to have a job since she is spoiled. Her grandmother took care of her and everything she wanted in life was just handed to her. Third, she bounces back and forth from her grandmother's house (who supports her since she doesnt work) to her 17 year old's mother's house.

    My boyfriend has learned all this and he has also learned that she does not spend the child support that he gives her every two weeks on the child. She drops the daughter to our house on the weekend and when he gives her the money - she is all dressed up with her friends ready to go party. He has even spoken to his ex's grandmother offering her the child support since she is taking care of his daughter and his ex. the granmother refused. she says that will cause problems.

    My boyfriend has now decided he wants his child half of the time. He doesnt approve of how his ex bounces back and forth and how she brings the child around her young boyfriend. The ex ofcourse refuses to let my boyfriend have the child half of time because she know that if we get her half of the time, she will not receive child support.

    Im feeling extremely stressed out since I had to talk to his ex and she is far from rational. I just feel so frustrated and upset because I am in this. I am affected and it is my problem in the sense that I live with him and Alyssa is part of my life as well. On the other side, its not my problem and I cannot do anything since Alyssa is not my child. This is a battle I cannot win or do anything about!!!

    Im so frustrated... and we dont know what to do! Right now we have the child for ten days. His ex agreed that we can alternate weeks. That didnt last too long. She called last night saying she wants her child. My boyfriend doesnt want to hand Alyssa since he is concerned that his ex will run off and not give her back. In reality, she can take Alyssa and my boyfriend can call the cops and they wont be able to do anything about it. Since they both have equal rights.

    My bf has spoken to a lawyer. The problem is he used to smoke pot and he wont be able to pass a drug test NOW if he decided to take her to court for an emergency hearing.

    Im just so stressed and its just causing so much tension. Can somebody give me advice?

     
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    Old 09-12-2007, 07:13 AM   #2
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    he needs a lawyer, period.....
    if he used to smoke pot, that has nothing to do with NOW.....

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 07:30 AM   #3
    Hazel_Eyes
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    He Smoked Pot Forever And Decided To Quit Last Month. Makes A Big Big Difference If He Cannot Pass

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 07:34 AM   #4
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    it only takes a month to get it out of your system, and it will probably take more than that to get a court date.

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 07:45 AM   #5
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    yeah we are almost at that mark. the lawyer did advise that a hair sample may be taken out

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 07:46 AM   #6
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    he can take her to court for custody but will not win. for whatever reason judges feel that the best place for a child to be is with the mother..unless she is putting the child in harms way or abusing the child. no job and no home don't count. i know its stupid..but thats our great law system these days. courts don't like to give split custody because bouncing back and forth between homes isn't good for a kid. the best thing you can do is work it out with the ex and get it filed in court so its legal and binding. you will prob have to bribe her some way. she prob would love her freedom but like you said she needs the money. her family/friends that she's lving the kids with are your main problem. if it wasn't for them she'd prob work with you more..since she like her freedom..anyway..you should seek legal advice from an attny. his pot smoking isn't an issue if he has stopped for that long.
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    Old 09-12-2007, 07:56 AM   #7
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    you are right about the family bit. She was on the phone with my bf yesterday and she had him on speaker while her mother listened.

    How can the daughter be better off with her mother when she is not stable at all! She dates a little boy, lives back and forth from there to her grandma's, a pit bull mauled Alyssa while she was under her own mother's watch...

    Alyssa doesnt even eat properly... her mother is ALWAYS on the go... she eats french fries and stays in the car seat most of the time! the ex even makes her own mom baby sit Alyssa - and that woman has been in and out of jail due to all kinds of drugs. AND SHE is unemployed and relies on the grandmother as well to take care of her.

    how can alyssa be better off with a mother that is so immature and reckless??

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 08:00 AM   #8
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes View Post
    how can alyssa be better off with a mother that is so immature and reckless??

    have you ever heard the saying "you can't fight city hall?"

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 08:11 AM   #9
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    Actually no job and no home does count and it counts high when it comes to a child's well fair. How do i know my brother has full custody of his son cause his exwife was/is a total loser.
    First thing first check your local laws about recording phone calls and recording conversations. Believe it or not those are actually legal to use in court against the mother. Most states allow conversations either phone or in person as long as one person knows it is being recorded. So if you are in one of those states you can record and use that against her. Second of all get a list of all the jobs she has had and how long she had each one. Make sure you have noted down any issues with the child such as clothes not the right size,how clean the child is and so on. Also make sure to note that the child is bouncing back and forth between the great grandmother's house and an under age minor boyfriend's house. Note the times this happens and how long each stay is. Make sure your lawyer knows for a fact that the bf is underage. That can be used against the mother in court saying she is not able to make sound decisions since she cant even make teh choice to have a bf of proper age. Also if she is drinking with said bf that is endangering not only teh child but the bf since all states have laws against giving alcohol to minors(which the bf is).
    Your bf needs to stop smoking weed no ifs and or buts and if he gets custody he cant pick it back up. It can be used against him later if she tries to regain custody. That life style choice has to be dropped period. As for drug testing if it is requested then have his lawyer request it of her too. With the hair test well that is an issue. Above all dont let him shave his head like many people do to avoid that test. It will make him look ever more guilty. See if there are any groups like AA around for drug use and have him start going to meetings. This way if the drug testing comes up it shows he is trying to change his life for the better. It looks good to the judge that he admits he has a problem and is willing to work to resolve it.
    It can be a lot of work but if he truly wants to help his daughter then he has to be willing to go through hell and back for her. My brother has done this twice with his ex and one of those times I had to do it cause the sneaky witch filed for a change of custody while my brother was deployed to Iraq. She didnt realize that she was messing with the wrong person when she did that. I was more than willing to get my hands dirty to protect my nephew.
    So it isnt a lost cause if he truly wants custody. More and more judges are seeing that it comes down to the better parent and that doesnt mean the mother. I ought to know my brother isnt the only father i know who has sole custody of their children. My uncle even got full custody of his daughter in the 80s when it really was a case of mother's rights over father's but my uncle proved he was the better parent and won. There are a lot of military fathers who have sole custody. So dont give up. Make sure your bf works on making himself look like the better parent. It will be a lot of work and some days it will seem like it is too much but the end result of him having either 50/50 custody or full custody will be worth it.
    Sorry this is so long but wanted to make sure you realize that you do stand a chance at this and to give you ideas to help you. If you want to know more let me know and I will gladly post more info to help you.
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    Last edited by Blastoff9600; 09-12-2007 at 08:13 AM.

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 08:45 AM   #10
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    dont worry about the pot issue. my mum was an alcoholic and she was still awarded custody of us although dad went back to court and got us back so the family court does award children to the fathers too. it was chief justice alistair nicholson who was the judge for my parents case. he is sometimes on the news. he is the chief justice of the family court in australia. he is a good judge but i think he has since retired. at the end of the day i think the family court would rather awrd custody to the childs father who is in a stable relationship with a roof over the childs head, both people working full time to pay the bills and everything rather than awarding the child to the mother who dates children anyway. thats just wrong.

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 09:49 AM   #11
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    I agree with Blastoff9600. It is possible for your bf to get custody, it will just be a lot harder of a fight. He needs a lawyer who knows how to fight for his benefit. Trust me, if you look around there are ones that are great with "father's rights" (my brother found one too ).

    He needs to make a complete lifestyle change. No pot, PERIOD. Make your home a safe place for a child. You will need to show the court that you (as a couple) can take on "Allyssa". Getting a list of her past employment history is a good idea, of course, if you have good lawyer they can dig up all of that information for you. A private investigator could also do the dirty work. Is it possible that she is using drugs as well? I would make absolutely sure he pushes to have her tested as well. I am willing to bet she wouldn't be expecting it. Your boyfriend should admit that he smoked before but that he is changing his life for the better of his daughter. He could even offer to submit to random drug testing for a certain period to prove that he is serious. A person who admits their fault and shows change carries a lot of weight.

    It will take A LOT of work for him to show that he is a better parent. The system is very unfair to men. But if he keeps on it and knows in the end he will get the 50/50 or full custody it will be well worth it, right? Support him in his efforts and make sure that you are being the best "step parent" you can be. Who knows, she may try to sling your name in the mud too. It can be done. You are going to need the BEST lawyer your money can buy!

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 10:19 AM   #12
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    Consult a family lawyer. A lawyer can tell you what counts and doesn't count in a custody hearing in your state. Both your bf and his ex will have pluses and minuses working for them or against them. Only a lawyer can tell you how it will all add up in front of a judge. All we can do is guess and use common sense. But as we all know, the justice system isn't always rooted in common sense!

    So your bf smoked pot - if that's his only minus then that doesn't seem so bad. On the ex's "minus" side there is the fact that her bf is legally a child and she is an adult. That's illegal in most if not all states and I doubt a judge would see that as a stable home environment. Her bf has a criminal record -- for drugs no less! She has no job, no money, no stability and has, through her actions and relationship with the minor, displayed extremely poor judgment. Child is not in a stable, loving home. Child is being moved back and forth between her place, her grandmother's place and the underage bf's parent's place. If the idea is to provide a "stable" home, doesn't seem like the child is getting that with her mom. You and your bf have a stable home, he's proven himself reliable by providing child support without a court order and he has cared for her on weekends without incident (such as the dog attack - which may not have been the ex's fault but it does show a certain amount of negligence).

    but like I said, your best bet would be to consult a lawyer and have him/her tell you how all the pluses & minuses add up in your state and advise you on the best course of action.

    Good luck!

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 12:10 PM   #13
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    a bizarre twist... I currently live in South Carolina and apparently the law here states that if a child is born out of wedlock, the mother has sole custody. That is so strange because the lady I worked with says her and her ex split up but she let him baby sit their daughter while she worked during the day. He got mad at her over something and refused to hand the child back. She obviously pitched a fit and called the cops. The cops told her if she had a child with him while they were living together and she doesnt have a court order stating she has full custody - he has just as much right.

    Now the lawyer I spoke to told me that the mother has sole custody since they were not married.

    We do need to hire a private investigator - its just a little pricey!

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 12:43 PM   #14
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hazel_Eyes View Post
    aNow the lawyer I spoke to told me that the mother has sole custody since they were not married.
    Is his name on the birth certificate? What a terrible law that is! Maybe you should take a look around and see if there are any other lawyers who would be willing to work against this law. Who knows, your boyfriend could help change a ridiculous law in the favor of other fathers in your state.

     
    Old 09-12-2007, 12:47 PM   #15
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    Re: the boyfriend...his 2 year old... and his ex

    I would also be good to remember that the courts will not recognize you as a potential parent for this child as you are not married to the child's father. If she were smart enough, the mother could also point out instability in the father's home due to the fact that the influence you have on the child may very well be temporary as you are not even married.

    It may seem unfair but I've seen cases like this and the live-in (paramour) is generally unable to have any influence in these types of issues.

     
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