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    Old 09-15-2007, 05:44 AM   #1
    apple_juice
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    I have had enough

    As most of you know, it is coming up to three months since my boyfriend and i broke up.
    We intially agreed that we give eachother some time and space but we kept in contact.
    I went on holiday for two weeks. Came back on Thursday.
    Before I went away on holiday, we had a chat. First of all, he kept telling me we shouldnt get back together, i hurt him too much, that i just didnt get the hint (which i didnt get because he kept telling me he did want to get back together but needed to sort himself out. when he did say lets get back together, i would say well lets not rush into it) etc. When I calmly said I'd respect his decision if this is what he wanted, he got angry and started shouting at me. He made me cry in the end, he was very nasty- asking me why all the pressure was on him all the time, asked why i never could make a decision etc etc. Then he apologised and flippantly said "well lets give it another go, why not?" By this point I was very upset and emotional so I told him we would have to talk more when I returned from holiday.
    We kept in touch whilst I was away. I called him twice but he never returned my calls. But he sent me lots of messages.
    One night he said he wanted to send me something regarding about relationship. But he never did. Instead he said he couldnt talk because it was his mum's birthday and he had to take her out.
    The next day he agreed with me when I said we needed to talk calmly when I got back to reach a firm decision.
    I got back thursday. I messages him when I got back. I didnt get a message til 6 hours later because he was taking part in a religious ceremony with his dad. He called me later on in the evening as he was on his way to see his best friend who he hasnt seen in 9 months because she had been travelling. Anyway, we had a nice chat and he said he would call me Friday.
    I message him Friday evening, asking him if he is in the area, to meet up. I was with my friends enjoying a meal. He messages me saying he isnt in the area, and will cal me soon. He did call but I missed his calls. When I got home I called him but he missed my calls. Anyway, he calls me this morning. We have a chat about hwat we have been up to. He was in the area I was in yesterday. He went for dirinks with his friends. I didnt catch the time tho- did he lie to me? was he around in the area in the evening? or during the day?
    anyway, he said he would call me later on in the day today because he needed to go out into his garden to listen to the radio because his favourite football team is playing.

    Is it me, or does he seem like he doesnt have a care in the world?

    I have wanted to bring up the issue of the relationship, but at the same time I dont- i really dont. I want him to put in some effort. When I got back, I thought I'd leave it up to him to bring it up. But he hasnt. Fair enough- he may be taking his time. I do not have a problem with that if I felt a little better about the situation, if I didnt feel so sick. But I have had enough of this limbo. I have had enough of him not seeming interested. I am sick of all this. I really just want to call him and tell him we needn't have a chat because Im not interested. Because Im not.
    I think I'd only reconsider if he tried to win me back- but I doubt he'd do that. He hasnt so far.
    I mean, he hasnt even bothered to arrange to meet up with him. He hasnt said he has missed me. Nothing is there. Its empty. Id prefer it if he just left me alone. Im comparing this to the lasttime I went on holiday almost two years ago- he called me every day despite it costing him so much. He came to meet me at the airport when I got back. When I got back he told me he loved me. Its so far off what we have now. We dont even have anything.

    Is he waiting for me to bring up the chat? Ii just dont have the energy to do it. But if I dont, itll drive me crazy.

    He doesnt seem to care that he has almost lost me. I would like to ask him that.

    But I am leaving everything up to him now. All the calls. All the messages. Everything. If he wants me, he is welcome to try to win me back. But for no longer will I put in any more effort. Does he not get this?

    Last edited by apple_juice; 09-15-2007 at 05:48 AM.

     
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    Old 09-15-2007, 06:05 AM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: I have had enough

    Hi AJ. Please do not take this wrong way because I am not trying to be cruel, okay.

    Stop dealing with him! You are both playing this "I don't care" game in the hopes that the other one will show they care more and try to win them back. Enough is enough already! He is who he is. You are who you are. The bottom line to all of this is YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.

    The best and most healthy thing you can do for yourself is to delete any way you have to get in contact with him (phone number, email, etc..). This will keep you from contacting him in a moment of weakness, which we all know you have frequently. Then, do not answer his attempts to contact you.

    Put your money where your mouth is. If you are tired of all the drama and headaches then stop it. You have the power to end this. It's either you put an end to it and move on with your life or accept that this is the kind of dysfunctional relationship you and your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, etc..) will have.

    I wish I had the power to make you stop it but I don't. If you only could not contact him for a whole month and just move on with your life you would see how silly you have been acting. You and him are equally creating all of this grief. Why????????

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 06:11 AM   #3
    apple_juice
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    Re: I have had enough

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    Hi AJ. Please do not take this wrong way because I am not trying to be cruel, okay.

    Stop dealing with him! You are both playing this "I don't care" game in the hopes that the other one will show they care more and try to win them back. Enough is enough already! He is who he is. You are who you are. The bottom line to all of this is YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.

    The best and most healthy thing you can do for yourself is to delete any way you have to get in contact with him (phone number, email, etc..). This will keep you from contacting him in a moment of weakness, which we all know you have frequently. Then, do not answer his attempts to contact you.

    Put your money where your mouth is. If you are tired of all the drama and headaches then stop it. You have the power to end this. It's either you put an end to it and move on with your life or accept that this is the kind of dysfunctional relationship you and your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, etc..) will have.

    I wish I had the power to make you stop it but I don't. If you only could not contact him for a whole month and just move on with your life you would see how silly you have been acting. You and him are equally creating all of this grief. Why????????

    Thanks for replying happymom.

    I know the solution is just so clear.
    But either way, for closure, Id like to talk and reach a decision but I do not want to intiate the conversation.
    Do you think he will bring it up? He is calling me all the time. But he acts like he just doesnt care. Or am I taking things the wrong way? I dont think so. Hes been out with friends for the past couple of days- not arranging to see me. he mustve really missed me. im bored at home today, nd he is at home listening to the radio. just great, isnt it?
    I put in so much effort, but during my holiday I realised I couldnt put in any more effort. So Im going to sit back. But at the same time, why should I sit back? I mean, I could bring it up but i really DONT want to. my friends tell me to relax and let him come to me. but why should i let his drag on? im tired. i know it'd be better coming from him but wil it ever? i would like a discussion and a firm decision either way.

    i know what ive got to do really deep down. i just find it comforting coming on here to vent and talk. thanks.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 09-15-2007 at 06:16 AM.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 06:23 AM   #4
    Kszan
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    Re: I have had enough

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    Put your money where your mouth is. If you are tired of all the drama and headaches then stop it. You have the power to end this. It's either you put an end to it and move on with your life or accept that this is the kind of dysfunctional relationship you and your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, etc..) will have.
    AJ, you need to print this out, enlarge it, and post it on your mirror so you can look at it EVERY DAY until you get the message! Because right now, you're saying that you've had enough, but you're not putting an end to it.

    Closure is for saps. This situation will never get any closure because you're letting it continue. Read what Happymom wrote. Read it and re-read it, because of everything that anyone has ever posted to you regarding this situation in every thread that you have ever posted, that part that I quoted up there is the most direct and true answer that you have ever gotten from anyone. And it's time you actually started taking peoples' advice instead of just blowing it off all the time.

    I stand by what I posted in one of your (many) previous threads. I said that I really believe that you and your bf/exbf/bf/exbf really love drama in your lives, and that you prefer to live with the most ridiculous drama in your lives than to try to move forward and get rid of it. Most people would have put an end to this 5 years ago. But you choose not to, for whatever reason. So be it. But whatever feelings you're having right now are your own fault for not ending this fiasco sooner.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 07:14 AM   #5
    apple_juice
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    Re: I have had enough

    Kszan- Im sorry if you think closure is for saps. I think it works for some people, and not for others.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 09-15-2007 at 07:21 AM.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 07:30 AM   #6
    Kszan
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    Re: I have had enough

    In your situation, honestly, it really won't do any good. The point I'm trying to make is that there is no closure opportunity because it doesn't exist. Neither one of you is going to let it happen. That's why one of you has to make the first move to end it. Until that happens, this thing will quite literally drag on forever.

    You've both been in limbo now for a really long time, and that's a really crappy place to live. But you obviously love being in that position, both of you, because you guys won't make a move toward cutting the chord. There isn't anything left for you to talk about. You said you're sick of the situation, so if that's really true then do something about it, stop just talking about it.

    Last edited by Kszan; 09-15-2007 at 07:33 AM.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 07:35 AM   #7
    apple_juice
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    Re: I have had enough

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    In your situation, honestly, it really won't do any good. The point I'm trying to make is that there is no closure opportunity because it doesn't exist. Neither one of you is going to let it happen. That's why one of you has to make the first move to end it. Until that happens, this thing will quite literally drag on forever.

    You've both been in limbo now for a really long time, and that's a really crappy place to live. But you obviously love being in that position, both of you, because you guys won't make a move toward cutting the chord. There isn't anything left for you to talk about. You said you're sick of the situation, so if that's really true then do something about it, stop just talking about it.

    But what if either of us didnt want to end it? of course neither of us enjoys it, kszan. who would?
    I dont think he deep down wants to end it.
    Right now, Im leaning towards ending it because nothing is happening. But maybe I need to calm down a little. Ive only been back a couple of days.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 09-15-2007 at 07:36 AM.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 07:42 AM   #8
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    Re: I have had enough

    Well, I think that's part of the problem. There is literally not a relationship here, just a really long string of breakups. You guys spend more time breaking up than you do actually being a happy couple. Do you want to continue living this way and having that kind of relationship? Or do you wish you could have a normal relationship where you go out, do fun stuff, vacation together, etc.? Because I can 100% guarantee that if you stay with this guy, none of that fun stuff is ever going to happen again. Knowing that, I can't see why you'd want to stay?

    The bottom line is that there's nothing left here. I mean, this relationship died such a long time ago, all that's left is a decomposing, maggot-infested blob of goo. It's pretty gross, actually. So, knowing that, then what are you guys holding on to? You keep saying you've had enough, and he keeps saying he's had enough. Ok, if that's true, then quit postponing the inevitable, then?

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 08:05 AM   #9
    apple_juice
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    Re: I have had enough

    I understand what youre saying Kszan, believe me I do.

    I don't know if we could have that fun loving relatonship you describe. I do not have a crystal ball to look into the future. I know if I was certain he loved me, then Im sure I would have it with him. Ive just been so hurt and all this crap has messed me up. But if he could try to win me back, if he could try to make things work and reasure me, then there will be no problem my end. We were on and off, but we had some great times together.
    You see, I dont know what the situation is.
    But know this. This is coming from me. Im telling the truth. I cant move on unless I have that talk with him. Mentally, for me, I couldnt just leave it like that. I dont know whether to bring it up or leave it to him. I really dont want to have to bring it up, but if I dont, will he ever?

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 09:30 AM   #10
    happymom28
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    Re: I have had enough

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by apple_juice View Post
    But if he could try to win me back, if he could try to make things work and reasure me, then there will be no problem my end.
    Look AJ, you can not, I repeat, CAN NOT control someone else's actions. What I mean by this is IF he wanted to win you back and IF he wanted to try to make things work and reassure you HE WOULD BE.

    Both of you are holding onto eachother because both of your are affraid to be alone, plain and simple. You can say whatever you want to the contrary but nobody on here is going to believe you. Only somebody who is affraid to be alone would grasp at what little scraps (if any) are left in this "relationship".

    I really am not trying to be harsh here sweetie, really I'm not. I just think it's about time you opened your eyes to the reality of the situation. You are not right for eachother. If you were none of this drama and chaos would be going on. Both of you want the other to be something they are not. Instead of holding out some false hope of him one day changing into white knight in shining armor ready to slay dragons for you why don't you go out and find an actual knight? I just don't understand how you can say you have had enough of this situation (over and over again I might add) and still refuse to do anything about it.

    I'm telling you, the longer you postpone the inevitable the harder you are going to make it on yourself. If he really wanted you (and you really wanted him) you would both be fighting to make this work and not be playing all of these "games". Honestly, this sounds more like a high school drama show than an adult relationship. Don't you think it's time to experience one of those?

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 11:13 AM   #11
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    Re: I have had enough

    happy mom- I do not have a fear of being alone.
    What shall I say to him tonight when he calls again?

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 01:18 PM   #12
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    Re: I have had enough

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by apple_juice View Post
    happy mom- I do not have a fear of being alone.
    Then why are you still doing this????????? Honestly, why? He is always going to be the same man he is today.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by apple_juice
    What shall I say to him tonight when he calls again?
    I would tell you not to answer (that is if he even calls you) but you won't listen. You will still answer the phone, you will still do the same thing you do every time that keeps the two of you going in this vicious circle. I don't know what is left to say if you are going to continue to not do something about it.

     
    Old 09-15-2007, 01:48 PM   #13
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    Re: I have had enough

    hey aj, i've been following your numerous posts and they're exhausting! do you realize you're always writing the same thing??? i can understand you wanting closure, but sometimes it comes to the fact that you have to get closure by yourself. i feel like everyone is just screaming at you with plenty of good advice and you're standing there with your fingers in your ears going "la la la la la!" what you and your ex are doing isn't healthy for either of you! i actually feel sorry for both of you. have you ever imagined yourself truly happy? what good things would be happening, who would be there? be honest with yourself. and what about your ex? what would be around your ex if he was truly happy?

    this relationship is never going to work out, apple. and this isn't the case of everyone being wrong and then there's this fairy tale ending. please just do yourself and him a favor, don't answer the phone when he calls. don't expect him to call, don't call him, don't text him, don't answer his texts, block him if you have to! both of you need peace in your life...

     
    Old 09-16-2007, 01:42 PM   #14
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    Re: I have had enough

    Hi Apple, sorry to hear that you are still in limbo about what he feels/wants. But let me tell you this, if he was feeling strong about investing in this relationship, you would have known that a looong time ago. Well, you have the power to remove yourself from this situation Apple. You are centring your world around him and this is wrong, and this is why you feel emotionally reliant on him, and upset by anything that he does or doesn't do. He might be a little insensitive to how you feel, don't dwell on that. Try to enjoy your university life as much as you can.

     
    Old 09-17-2007, 06:26 AM   #15
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    Re: I have had enough

    We had a chat yesterday.
    He said he was terrified of going back. He said alarm bells keep ringing and he thinks the relationship is bad. He said it would be so easy to go back but the issues would still be there. He said we should stop fighting to save it, and he said he didnt understand why I wanted to go back and to try and make it work.
    I explained to him, never once did I say lets get back together. I explained to him that whilst on at least two occasions he said lets get back together, I told him to calm down and that we need to talk and address issues first before going back.
    Iif I really wanted him, right now, I could have worked on it, and we would be together. But I do not want that. I want to try to resolve issues then get back together.
    He said "you havent persuaded me enough" and I told him it isnt an issue of persuading. I told him he had two options 1) We can end it and move on. I will do that happily. 2) We can talk about the possibility of getting back together, try to resolve issues and if we are happy then we can give it another go.
    At that point, I had to go to work so we agreed to talk in the evening.
    He called me in the evening. We chatted for a while. He said he would call me tomorrow. We chatted some more then he asked "Is there much point talking about what we talked about this morning?" I told him I was too tired to talk. He said that was ok and he would call tomorrow. Then I went on to talk about it then he blasted me saying "You said you didnt want to talk." We argued then I stopped and said "I dont want this. In fact, Ive had enough. Ive had enough with all of it. Im fed up. Im sick and tired." Then he asked why I was switching on him, why I was turning on him. I explained I was just tired. He said ok then we said our goodbyes. He calls me back after 2 minutes and puts on a very sweet voice and says sorry and asks me how my back is, wants to hear about my bad back. We left it on a good note. He said he would call me tomorrow.
    I woke up in a bad mood today. I was still angry from the things he had said (I wont go into it) and sent him the following message. "Sort it out today and dont leave it til late in the evening to call me. if youve missed me and you stil love me, and want to see how it goes over the next 6 weeks, then lets have fun, go out and talk. if I havent persuaded you, if you dont want to try for whatever reason, then so be it. but understand when you miss me, i wont be at the end of the phone for you. its simple. be truthful and lets move on either way."
    So Im expecting a call later. Im just so desperate for a decision once and for all. Ill be upset if he picks option one but at least ill be able to move on and realise he isnt the one for me. if he picks option two- well- its going to be hard work, and ill have to make sure if its what he really wants.
    I think he'll pick option 1. nothing has happened in the last three months. so why would i think its going to change now? Ijust want a decision. For closure. Once and for all!
    Im going out tonight. Thats why I asked him not to call late. So I can enjoy myself tonight.
    Im going out for drinks to celebrate the first issue of the newspaper I am an editor for. I get to meet the rest of the paper's team- who knows, maybe a nice young man will come my way tonight?
    Ill try not to get too upset. It means he isnt the one for me. I can let go then. But if I do get upset, at least Ill have you guys for support.

    Last edited by apple_juice; 09-17-2007 at 06:30 AM.

     
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