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  • Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

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    Old 10-02-2007, 10:16 AM   #16
    jen52983
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    I'm right there with you on the trust issues, as are most people on this board. Usually, its our own scarred brains that make situations more than what they really are.

    I never thought I'd fully trust anyone again after some of the things that have happened in my life, but I do now. It wasn't an easy road, and sometimes I still find clouds of doubt rolling through (funny, only when I'm PMSing!). But I do trust my boyfriend 100%. It just took time.

    Yeah, your b/f asking to see another woman's breasts is horribly inappropriate and of course you're hurt by it. Naturally it will leave suspicion for the future. He really needs to prove to you that he deserves trust. He crossed a line by asking a friend for naked pictures, there's no getting around that. I wouldn't declare him a cheater just yet though. Maybe I'm a naive, hopeful, love-sick pup..but I think he desreves a chance to prove his devotion to you.

    Men will always look at women. It's like a woman walking through a mall.. you may not buy the shoes, but you're sure as h*** gonna look!! Him looking does not make him care for you any less.

    I'm definitely not excusing his behavior when asking for pictures of his friend, and I'm not saying that you shouldn't keep your guard up for a bit. Just that people do make mistakes, and some are capable of learning from them. Give him a two strike rule. If you catch him again, then walk.

    It takes effort to trust someone. It starts with having the strength to say no to snooping. Sneaking through his personal things is no way to gain his trust.. and how can you expect to trust him, if he can't trust you?

     
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    Old 10-02-2007, 11:24 AM   #17
    Sugafoot76
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Jen - thanks so much for your words...I agree with you on giving him a shot...I mean, we do love each other, and we've got to at least try to work through this...I know from past relationships that people rarely change, but I think with faith in our lives, it could be possible...we have started praying together and we're going to start going to church...and you're right...I want him to trust me too, and I know if I keep looking at his phone he won't...honestly, I feel sick every time he leaves the room or leaves his phone in the house when he goes out...I look at it and want to look...just the other day I did not, I was able to fight the urge...and I'm happier, however I don't want to feel like I'm just sugarcoating things and that it's still going on, I just don't see it because I've stopped snooping...I'm so torn up about it. He just told me today that he needs me at night and that he feels comforted when we're together...we don't live together, but spend 5 nights out of the week together...those are the nights that he feeds his internet porn addiction....he says he wants to stop it, but he gets bored and lonely late at night, gets on the computer and downloads videos, etc....I feel like I need to be with him every night now...because when we're together, he never does any of that...but it's not time to move in together...especially with my feelings the way they are.

     
    Old 10-02-2007, 11:47 AM   #18
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    If he really feels he has an addiction, and is serious about wanting to end it, he can seek counseling.. either through a professional or through support groups.. yes they have sex addict support groups!

    If he doesn't want outside help, but does want to put a stop to it.. then he needs discipline. He will probably need your help with that. It's like any other addiction.. remove yourself from temptation. If that means putting his computer away for a few weeks or months.. then so be it. When he feels "bored and/or lonely" he should seek other fufillments... hobbies or going out with friends or family. If he feels an urge to search for porn he should call someone to distract him, whether thats you or a friend. Hey-- he could even come here for some advice on over-coming sex addiction!

    I think it's great that you're sharing and practicing your faith together. I believe that that will help strengthen your relationship.

    Good luck to the both of you

     
    Old 10-02-2007, 01:13 PM   #19
    Sugafoot76
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    I agree with you, Jen. A porn addiction is just like any other addiction - food, drugs, alcohol....you have to remove the source of the problem and find other things to keep you busy. He and I both have to look for ways to fight our feelings - his being temptation to look at dirty photos, mine temptation to look at his phone...I know I need to work on my trust issues and I have made an appt with my employee assistance program to seek some counseling (I have other past issues that make me distrust men) - thanks so much for listening and for your input. I kinda wish some men would share their thoughts and help me see what's going on from their view...but you have helped, thanks!

     
    Old 10-02-2007, 01:58 PM   #20
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    I've been in your situation and trust me, he's just telling you what you want to hear......this will rear it's ugly head again, over and over and over.....
    until he gets better at hiding it.

     
    Old 10-02-2007, 08:49 PM   #21
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    well...at least he is admitting it is a problem and promising to try to fix it. In my situation my guy wouldnt admit something was a problem but said he'd change so as not to hurt me. In the end, he did what he wanted to do.

    i guess you need to figure out if this is something you want to deal with, and, if it is something you can get over. i have friends with secure and trusting relationships. that is what I am really aiming at. it is hard if you have to leave, but it is harder to look back 2+ years later and think "i should have left earlier"....

    best of luck

     
    Old 10-03-2007, 08:55 AM   #22
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Thanks to all for your input - I'm looking forward to my appt with a professional counselor - and I may ask my boyfriend to go to one with me...

     
    Old 10-03-2007, 09:02 AM   #23
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Sugafoot76 View Post
    Thanks to all for your input - I'm looking forward to my appt with a professional counselor - and I may ask my boyfriend to go to one with me...

    you don't need counseling, you don't have trust issues.....
    just get rid of the boyfriend and you will be just fine

     
    Old 10-03-2007, 09:11 AM   #24
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
    I've been in your situation and trust me, he's just telling you what you want to hear......this will rear it's ugly head again, over and over and over.....
    until he gets better at hiding it.
    I'd get out now!!!

     
    Old 10-03-2007, 09:17 AM   #25
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    I dont think that counseling is a bad idea. I'm sure that it will help you to overcome some things from your past and even your present. But.. you have to go for yourself, not for him or your relationship with him. Let counseling be about you. Taking him is a good idea, but not yet. Have a few sessions alone first, then see where it goes from there.

    Your imagination could be making things worse, but don't forget that he still made a huge mistake and hurt you, and even acted unfaithfully. That shouldn't be over looked. I'm not saying not to forgive him, just that your trust issues in this particular relationship are justified and not a figment of your imagination.

     
    Old 10-06-2007, 11:19 PM   #26
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Hey, i can say i can somewhat relate but not about only about the snooping. with me it's because i'm i'm insecure about myself, i think. But since about the last seven years i have had medical issues that interfere with intimacy and i worry all the time about cheating and so it's like i'm always setting myself up for something to happen, i need to stop this but the only thing i can relate mine to is that long ago in a differnt situation cheating did happen and the relationship was ended and i had a baby, but a whole other thing, but i am so paranoid all the time when he goes to his friends house that someone else is there and there is no reason for this but i can't stop and all this medical stuff that interferes makes me anxious, any advice?
    Love, Monkey

     
    Old 10-07-2007, 04:55 AM   #27
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Monkey - I understand your situation. It's very hard for me too...however, in the past week I have not looked at his phone at all, and he's left me in the same room, alone with it, several times. When we're together, the only calls he gets are from his family, or his buddies to talk about the football games....however, my own trust issues do not help the fact that I'm secretly paranoid that he has told female friends to just email him instead of calling...I don't know, I need professional help...I am seeing a counselor next week and will discuss the issue. I really am happy with him and love him with all my heart...we have the best time together...I know where you are coming from on feeling good about yourself and self esteem, etc....I think when we feel good about ourselves, things don't bother us as much...I have put on about 12 pounds in the last 6 months of dating (we eat out a lot and it's hard finding time for the gym), so I'm feeling badly about that...I'm not feeling as attractive as I used to, so I'm sure that's a factor here...but also being cheated on in the past is something that affects us greatly. I don't really have any advice, as I am looking for some also...just that maybe you should try some counseling too...I'm looking to counseling to help me with some past issues and underlying things that I think may help with the trust issues. Also, reading and posting here has helped as well...

     
    Old 10-07-2007, 11:51 AM   #28
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    I agree about the self esteem issue. Everything in life seems easier when you have a lot of confidence in yourself. Still, self esteem or not, I'd be concerned about HIS behavior.

     
    Old 10-07-2007, 12:20 PM   #29
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    Ok, I'm chiming in very very late on this one, but I just had to toss in my little 2 cents....

    I'm a bit confused. He has admitted to an "addiction" to porn and lust and dirty pictures, he demeaned and insulted a female friend by asking her to take her top off, take pictures of her naked breasts and send them to him, then he says he would have lost respect for her if she had actually done it, but he didn't lose any respect for himself for asking her in the first place, and YOU'RE the one seeing a shrink? OF course you have trust issues with this guy. He proved himself UNTRUSTWORTHY. He has broken your trust. and it takes time to rebuild it once it's broken. Even is he is being totally transparent and open with you and isn't hiding anything at all from you, which is good, he still broke your trust and that's not going to heal overnight, any more than a broken bone heals overnight. It takes time AND all the other stuff.

    If he's a porn junkie, and wants to stop, why isn't HE in therapy? If I were in your shoes, that would go much further to making me feel better. Insecurity of course is never a good thing in a relationship, but when the relationship is PART of what is making you insecure, you can talk to shrinks till the cows come home, you won't feel any more secure or trusting. He needs to get therapy for his addiction and follow through and not just make sweet promises, but actually DO something to get rid of his addiction. Until and unless he gets help for it, it's only a matter of time before he asks another female friend, co-worker, neighbor, etc. for naked pictures of her breasts or worse. An you will drive yourself nuts waiting for it to happen, and no shrink in the world will be able to help you be ok with that ax over your head.

    Your problem is not an addiction to snooping on his cell phone. Your problem is that you've chosen to be with someone who has broken your trust and who is addicted to behavior that you consider dishonest and cheating, and he hasn't taken enough action toward correcting it. That's your problem. I think if the therapist you see this week is worth their salt at all, they'll tell you the same thing. Oh, and by the way, that business about him "needing you at night" so that he won't look at porn, and that he doesn't do it when you're around and that if you were there all the time, then his addiction would go away, NO!!!!! That's stinkin' thinkin'. That's not curing his addiction, that's just swapping cocain for heroin. He would only be using you as a new addiction, and it would only be a matter of time before he got bored with just you if you were to move in anyway. He's not healthy, and he needs to get healthy before he can be a good partner for you. You can seek treatment for your insecurity if you like, in fact, that can be a good idea, but if only one person in a relationship is healthy and the other person is sick, then the relationship will be sick. YOU CANNOT be healthy enough for the both of you.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 10-07-2007 at 12:21 PM.

     
    Old 10-09-2007, 02:35 PM   #30
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    Re: Addicted to snooping at boyfriend's cell phone

    I didnt look at all of the comments from this message board, but I just wanted to let you know, that with my ex boyfriend, I did that all the time. Don't feel bad. I guess its just a feeling of self secureness. Its a relief to know that your significant other isnt chatting to any people you dont want them to chat with. Have you been cheated on in the past? If you have, that is probably one of the reasons why you look at his phone so much- because your afraid your going to be cheated on again. But I have no room to talk in that department, as I'm dealing with those issues myself. Anyways, I used to do it, and I find nothing wrong with it. Maybe you two should go to a marriage counselor. That would be a good idea. Have an awesome day!

     
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