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CM_Punk_Fan 10-08-2007 03:55 PM

Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
Hi all!

My previous partner suffers from vaginismus. Incase you didn't know what that is...
"Vaginismus is a condition which affects a woman's ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, including sexual penetration, insertion of tampons, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. This is the result of a conditioned reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the 'PC muscle'. The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration -- including sexual penetration -- either painful or impossible."


My previous partner and myself were both each others 'firsts' in terms of being intimate together. We both loved each other dearly, and were/are still the closest of friends, which is a good thing. It's just friends now, nothing more.


We are no longer together and strictly speaking my previous partners vaginismus doesn't really affect me anymore but I still feel useless. I feel like I was the cause and effect of my previous partners vaginismus, and that has had a knock on effect onto me until this day- have I wrecked this girls life? Was I ever actually any support to her? I am physically turned off the idea of opening myself up to anyone again in this way and becoming intimate with them incase I destroy their life and sexual health as well.

I also have extremely low self esteem and just wish I could walk around with a paper bag on my head more often than not. I know my previous partner does not find me attractive anymore either, but I suppose I shouldn't be bothered about this because we are just friends now but sometimes I can't help thinking maybe this non-attraction was part of the problem?

We are (and will still remain) the best of friends, we were perfect for each other, but these things come to an end and we still have the friendship which is great in itself.

I will be extremely happy when my previous partner finally achieves her goal and overcomes her problem, and when she can enjoy a full sex life with her future partner. I will be very jealous I think as well though as we shared so much together and I opened up my soul and we went through all of the heartache of discovering/going through the vaginismus together, but we never managed to have full intercourse and knowing I will never be able to do that with her makes me sad sometimes because we went through so much together.

However, at the end of the day when I think about it I will just be happy when she is happy and finds someone she finds attractive and to make her happy. For now it hurts though, but that is to be expected, I just feel useless as I've said, like I didn't help enough when we were together.

I just feel like any future girl I get intimate with will tell me I'm a terrible lover because I've not had intercourse and I'm worried any future girl that might show an interest in me that I could destroy their life too by causing them a possible problem with vaginismus or something.

I am just 22 and know things will get better I just need to overcome all of this and ride it out I guess. At least it is a blessing that this previous partner of mine and myself can still be close friends and communicate about these things if and when we need to.

I just want to be there for my previous partner. However I know it is not appropriate for me to be there in that way anymore, so I must move on and be confident that she will be okay.

I am just finding it hard to get past this and worry about my previous partners problems as we still care about each other as people inevitably do.

Thank you so much for reading, if anyone responds at all with advice on any ways to get through this I would be so greatful.

ErimusValidus 10-08-2007 05:09 PM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Dude, I don't think lightning's gonna strike twice in this case. Don't blame yourself for your ex's condition; she chose to date you so I very much doubt your appearance was the cause. Sex can be a very daunting thing. Simply getting undressed in front of a new partner can be extremely nerve-racking; you're not alone in feeling this way. But don't let it bother you with respect to meeting a new sexual partner. When the time comes, take things slowly and you will be surprised how natural it all is :)

It is great that you're still friends with your ex. But you've got to distance yourself from any news on her condition. If it turns out she can engage in penetrative sex with her next partner and you get wind of this, it's going to hurt you emotionally. So don't discuss those kind of things with her and don't blame yourself for the way things were between the two of you physically. I can't really appreciate what it must have been like but I know that you shouldn't take it personally.[/COLOR][/FONT]

CM_Punk_Fan 10-09-2007 12:02 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[QUOTE=ErimusValidus;3248075][FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="DarkOrchid"]Dude, I don't think lightning's gonna strike twice in this case. Don't blame yourself for your ex's condition; she chose to date you so I very much doubt your appearance was the cause. Sex can be a very daunting thing. Simply getting undressed in front of a new partner can be extremely nerve-racking; you're not alone in feeling this way. But don't let it bother you with respect to meeting a new sexual partner. When the time comes, take things slowly and you will be surprised how natural it all is :)

It is great that you're still friends with your ex. But you've got to distance yourself from any news on her condition. If it turns out she can engage in penetrative sex with her next partner and you get wind of this, it's going to hurt you emotionally. So don't discuss those kind of things with her and don't blame yourself for the way things were between the two of you physically. I can't really appreciate what it must have been like but I know that you shouldn't take it personally.[/COLOR][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Hello! Thank you so much for reading and for your reply.

That is very true, I think I just felt guilty somewhat as we were both each others firsts with being naked with someone else etc- so I feel maybe I rushed things too quickly or made her uncomfortable perhaps. :-( I realise that chances of anything happening like this with a future gf are slim to none but I can't help worrying!

That's also a very good point and I was all for her keeping me updated with her progress on getting over her condition- it was actually her that insisted she not discuss it with me, which in hindsight was the best ideas for the reasons you mentioned- if I did find out she was able to achieve penetration with another partner I would feel somewhat jealous/unhappy.

Thank you for replying! :-)

amy2705 10-09-2007 09:03 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
I agree - she started a relationship with you. Why would she do that if she wasn't attracted to you. Yes, it is possible that she'll eventually be able to have penetrative sex with a partner - but that has nothing to do with you. It means that she's learned to deal with her condition. You did not cause her condition. She simply discovered it as a result of attempting to be intimate for the first time -- something she wanted to do with you (which sort of implies that she found you attractive!).

Speaking as a woman - please do not blame yourself for this. Normal sex can cause loads of wonky things in women (I'll spare you the list!) ... and more often than not, these things are caused by sex - NOT the person they are having sex with. Your ex's condition has to do with penetration - any penetration - not penetration by YOU. I know that this must have been really difficult - especially because it was the first time for both of you. But try to remember that you didn't "do" anything to her to cause this. You were simply there when she discovered it. This doesn't mean that you are a bad lover or ruin womens' sex lives! It just means that the first person you tried to be intimate with had a medical condition. That has nothing to do with you - you didn't "cause" it. If she's able to be intimate with someone in the future, that will be because she's dealt with her medical condition. It does NOT mean that another guy is better than you, etc. If it had been another guy who had been the first person she'd tried to be intimate with - the same thing would have happened. If your first attempt had been with someone who didn't have vaginismus, penetration would have been possible. You didn't "ruin" anyone or anyone's sex life, so don't let this ruin yours! :)

CM_Punk_Fan 10-09-2007 09:24 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3249155]I agree - she started a relationship with you. Why would she do that if she wasn't attracted to you. Yes, it is possible that she'll eventually be able to have penetrative sex with a partner - but that has nothing to do with you. It means that she's learned to deal with her condition. You did not cause her condition. She simply discovered it as a result of attempting to be intimate for the first time -- something she wanted to do with you (which sort of implies that she found you attractive!).

Speaking as a woman - please do not blame yourself for this. Normal sex can cause loads of wonky things in women (I'll spare you the list!) ... and more often than not, these things are caused by sex - NOT the person they are having sex with. Your ex's condition has to do with penetration - any penetration - not penetration by YOU. I know that this must have been really difficult - especially because it was the first time for both of you. But try to remember that you didn't "do" anything to her to cause this. You were simply there when she discovered it. This doesn't mean that you are a bad lover or ruin womens' sex lives! It just means that the first person you tried to be intimate with had a medical condition. That has nothing to do with you - you didn't "cause" it. If she's able to be intimate with someone in the future, that will be because she's dealt with her medical condition. It does NOT mean that another guy is better than you, etc. If it had been another guy who had been the first person she'd tried to be intimate with - the same thing would have happened. If your first attempt had been with someone who didn't have vaginismus, penetration would have been possible. You didn't "ruin" anyone or anyone's sex life, so don't let this ruin yours! :)[/QUOTE]


Hello amy! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to respond, and it's good to get a womans perspective.:)

Everything you have said is very true and thank you very much, it really helps to hear people write these things down- I think the problem with me thinking she didn't find me attractive is due to some serious self esteem issues I have/have had for many years. That and the fact she's told me she doesn't find me attractive now (I know people change though!) made me sad, but, these things happen.

I am trying not to blame myself for it now- I know it's just a condition that could have happened with any man and I do think the fact it was to be our first times made things somewhat harder to deal with. I just get jealous now (stupid I know!) that her next partner may achieve penetration which is something I couldn't do. However at the end of the day when this stupid jealousy of mine has passed I will just be happy for her.

I also do worry that her next partner may not be very supportive of her and treat her wrong with this condition, which I know would really hurt her and slow down her progession with conquering vaginismus. But I know these choices are hers to make in life and there is nothing I can do about it except be a good friend to her when she needs it.

amy2705 10-09-2007 02:44 PM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[QUOTE=CM_Punk_Fan;3249199]
I just get jealous now (stupid I know!) that her next partner may achieve penetration which is something I couldn't do. [/QUOTE]

I just want to reiterate - this isn't about you failing to do something. You were ready, willing and able. There really isn't anything you could have done. Achieving penetration will be entirely dependent on her dealing with her medical condition. All a partner can do is try to be supportive as she goes through the process of dealing with it. You didn't cause it and neither you nor anyone (aside from her and her doctor) can fix it.

If another guy "achieves" penetration it will ONLY be because he was the first guy to come along after she deals with the vaginismus. It won't have anything to do with him personally - just like it has nothing to do with you personally now. It's just a matter of timing.

Also try not to feel too bad about her saying she's not attracted to you anymore. It's very possible that she's embarrassed and upset about the vaginismus. So when she says she's not attracted to you anymore, she might not mean that she literally finds you unattractive - it might be more like she no longer wants to try to have sex with you. I'm sure discovering her condition was really hard on her - so she probably just isn't very into sex at the moment. She once wanted to have sex with you. Now she doesn't. That could very well be because of her condition - not because she literally now thinks you're less attractive than you were before!! You're still the guy that she was attracted to and wanted to have sex with. All that's changed is that she discovered a medical condition she didn't know about that made having sex with you (or anyone else) impossible.

CM_Punk_Fan 10-10-2007 12:13 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3249762]I just want to reiterate - this isn't about you failing to do something. You were ready, willing and able. There really isn't anything you could have done. Achieving penetration will be entirely dependent on her dealing with her medical condition. All a partner can do is try to be supportive as she goes through the process of dealing with it. You didn't cause it and neither you nor anyone (aside from her and her doctor) can fix it.

If another guy "achieves" penetration it will ONLY be because he was the first guy to come along after she deals with the vaginismus. It won't have anything to do with him personally - just like it has nothing to do with you personally now. It's just a matter of timing.

Also try not to feel too bad about her saying she's not attracted to you anymore. It's very possible that she's embarrassed and upset about thevaginismus. So when she says she's not attracted to you anymore, she might not mean that she literally finds you unattractive - it might be more like she no longer wants to try to have sex with you. I'm sure discovering her condition was really hard on her - so she probably just isn't very into sex at the moment. She once wanted to have sex with you. Now she doesn't. That could very well be because of her condition - not because she literally now thinks you're less attractive than you were before!! You're still the guy that she was attracted to and wanted to have sex with. All that's changed is that she discovered a medical condition she didn't know about that made having sex with you (or anyone else) impossible.[/QUOTE]

Wise words once again Amy, thank you! :)

Everything you have said makes complete sense any in my mind I know nothing was my fault- I just have to get over that funny feeling in my heart. My previous partner is working through the condition on her own now and last time I checked making excellent progress- we don't discuss it anymore now.

Yeah the attraction thing I am dealing with I think it just caused a bit of a dent because of my linger self doubt that was around before I even knew this girl!

I have one last thing to confess that has really been worrying me as of late too- when we first tried to start making love I was using a condom and I managed to keep an erection fine the first couple of attempts, but, later on as we weren't able to achieve penetration I was losing my erection faster and it got so bad that sometimes even putting a condom on was a problem.

However my ex went onto the p.o.p and we were able to attempt penetration completely naked, which helped me keep my erection. Should this be something I should worry about?

Thanks!

amy2705 10-10-2007 06:35 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
Well, I can't really say for sure ... maybe this is more a questions for the guys.

However, I don't think that is a problem either. The entire ordeal with the vaginismus was really frustrating and difficult for both you and your partner. It obviously made you feel like you were doing something wrong or somehow caused her to not be able to have sex. I would imagine that feeling that way isn't the biggest turn on. I'm not really that surprised that you were having issues staying aroused. Makes sense that you started out being excited about things and then as it became more and more difficult (and finally impossible) you were not so excited about it. I think it would be quite the feat the have stayed aroused through all that. As for the condom vs. no condom -- all I can say is that after the repeated failed attempts at penetration, the act of putting on the condom might just have been the signal that more failure was about to begin (again, I don't think imminent lack of penetration is a big turn on!). The no condom was a new situation - i.e. a bit different from the previous frustrating attempts. Maybe since it was something new and different, a bit of the excitement was back - thus explaining why you weren't immediately turned off.

I know guys get really anxious about things like this. But in your case, it's not totally random and unexpected. It's in direct response to a frustrating and disappointing situation. Of course you were having issues staying turned on - it wasn't working, you felt like crap and each attempt that didn't work out probably just made you feel worse and worse about it. What guy would stay aroused through all that?? I know it's difficult and you're feeling a bit defeated about the whole thing -- but this was really just incredibly bad luck -- especially happening with your first partner! I know that logically you can understand that ... but emotionally you still have doubts. I think that you should hold on to what you know to logically be true and trust me when I say that as soon as you're with someone else, you'll know in your heart that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Chin up!

CM_Punk_Fan 10-10-2007 10:22 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3250793]Well, I can't really say for sure ... maybe this is more a questions for the guys.

However, I don't think that is a problem either. The entire ordeal with the vaginismus was really frustrating and difficult for both you and your partner. It obviously made you feel like you were doing something wrong or somehow caused her to not be able to have sex. I would imagine that feeling that way isn't the biggest turn on. I'm not really that surprised that you were having issues staying aroused. Makes sense that you started out being excited about things and then as it became more and more difficult (and finally impossible) you were not so excited about it. I think it would be quite the feat the have stayed aroused through all that. As for the condom vs. no condom -- all I can say is that after the repeated failed attempts at penetration, the act of putting on the condom might just have been the signal that more failure was about to begin (again, I don't think imminent lack of penetration is a big turn on!). The no condom was a new situation - i.e. a bit different from the previous frustrating attempts. Maybe since it was something new and different, a bit of the excitement was back - thus explaining why you weren't immediately turned off.

I know guys get really anxious about things like this. But in your case, it's not totally random and unexpected. It's in direct response to a frustrating and disappointing situation. Of course you were having issues staying turned on - it wasn't working, you felt like crap and each attempt that didn't work out probably just made you feel worse and worse about it. What guy would stay aroused through all that?? I know it's difficult and you're feeling a bit defeated about the whole thing -- but this was really just incredibly bad luck -- especially happening with your first partner! I know that logically you can understand that ... but emotionally you still have doubts. I think that you should hold on to what you know to logically be true and trust me when I say that as soon as you're with someone else, you'll know in your heart that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Chin up![/QUOTE]

Amy, thank you so much again for reading/responding!!!

I think I know, truthfully that the erection/condom problem probably won't happen again- all the stress of what was going on, as you've pointed out was definately an erection 'killer', so to speak! I think that with time (and my next partner being understanding!) I won't have anything to worry about. I just need to keep telling myself to think positive about all of this and not worry in the future!

Now I just need to let my heart mend from everything else that has happened related to this ex and our relationship-we broke up around May time, but a month or so after we broke up we were still casually seeing each other, sleeping together and engaging in everything sexually (without penetration obviously!) and I agreed to help her in anyway possible with progression/treatment of her condition.

About 4 days ago though she just said she wanted friendship now, no intimate contact, nothing physical, absolutely no talking at all about her vaginismus and that it's not a good idea for me to talk to her about how I feel about it now and that we shouldn't talk so much.She has gone from being (when we were together) a person wanting a loving, warm relationship and sex that carried similiar emotions to now just wanting to be touched and have sex with any man she can get her hands on pretty much (in her own words!).I'm not sure if it's just a change of her needs/wants which is fair enough or if it's in direct relation to her vaginismus and possibly thinking that she needs to try another man to 'fix' her...I think this part of where my whole jealous streak has been coming from lately!

This whole thing has left me feeling confused and heartbroken, and I feel like I still need closure/to discuss this whole topic with her more indepth but I won't get that now as she doesn't want to talk about any of it. I guess she's being cruel to be kind (in the long run?) by just blocking me out in the close/intimate way of things and trying to push me on to move on with my life.:confused:

Also my jealousy issue (I was a jealous partner whilst with her but thank god she was understanding about it and I never got terrible with jealousy) needs to be cleared up. This whole issue has completely screwed me up. I've been thinking about councelling lately to help overcome the fears and make me non jealous with future partners and also help me come to terms with the ex's vaginismus and how it affected me, but I'm not sure if councelling is a bit too much.

CM_Punk_Fan 10-10-2007 10:23 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
ps- really sorry to keep responding to your replies with such looong posts. I just have so much that needs to be said and it's good to find someone who can understand and lend an ear (or eyes in this case!!)

amy2705 10-10-2007 09:11 PM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
No need to apologize! That's what the board is here for! :)

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from on this one. It's not the same situation - just similar. When my partner and I became intimate, I would get a UTI (urinary tract infection) immediately after sex - practically everytime! He thought he was "doing" something to me. I thought there was something wrong with me. So every time we had sex, there would be this tension - both of us wanting to have sex but having these "there must be something wrong with me" feelings getting in the way. Turns out that UTIs are a common thing. Simple "fix" is to take a low dose antibiotic afterward. Problem solved in one short trip to the doctor's. So, this isn't really like what you and your ex went through - but I do get the conflicting feelings and lingering doubts. Fortunately, mine was an easy fix and things got back on track. Your issue is much more complicated. But I think I can begin to understand how you're feeling - my partner felt pretty terribly - not just about me having pain after sex - but also due to him thinking that he was responsible and doing something wrong and somehow as if he was an inadequate lover (which, I'll add - he is not). It's just the way some women are built. Nothing to do with him. Just like some women have vaginismus - which has nothing to do with you.

My partner and I were able to get on with things because the solution was simple. You and your partner don't have an easy solution and it seems like she's running from the problem. It's really unfortunate that she wants to be with any man she can get her hands on. I think you're probably right about her hoping that if she tries with enough guys that maybe her problem will disappear as if by magic. It's a bit of a grown-up version of prince charming coming to save her. And as I said earlier, she's most likely feeling badly about herself, thinks that there is something wrong with her and suffering from a blow to her self-esteem. Finding the prince charming that magically makes the vaginismus disappear would mean that there isn't really something wrong with her. I suppose that it's normal to wish for the fairytale. I just hope that she doesn't make stupid, rash choices and end up getting hurt - physically or emotionally. While she might be hoping for the fairytale ending, I really doubt she'll get it. I think she'll end up feeling worse if she behaves promiscuously and ends up right back where she started - with vaginisum that isn't going away by magic. You're right to be worried - I think that there is potential for her to be hurt if she's not selective about the guys she hooks up with. I'm sure that she still wants a loving relationship - but at the moment she most likely wants to feel "normal" more than loved. If it's not already part of her plan to deal with the vaginismus, you might gently suggest to her that maybe she should include a couple counselling sessions to come to terms with her feelings about have the condition. Sudden promiscuity almost always means trouble.

As for you getting counselling re the jealousy - that might not be a bad idea. Jealousy is such a huge problem in relationships (look no further than the board for a full catalogue of relationships ruined by jealousy!). I don't think that this sort of counselling is covered by the NHS tho and it can be v. expensive. If this is an issue, you might consider browsing through the self-help books at your local bookshop or online and see how that helps first.

CM_Punk_Fan 10-11-2007 12:18 AM

Re: Need help/advice with previous partners vaginismus
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3252275]No need to apologize! That's what the board is here for! :)

In a way, I can understand where you're coming from on this one. It's not the same situation - just similar. When my partner and I became intimate, I would get a UTI (urinary tract infection) immediately after sex - practically everytime! He thought he was "doing" something to me. I thought there was something wrong with me. So every time we had sex, there would be this tension - both of us wanting to have sex but having these "there must be something wrong with me" feelings getting in the way. Turns out that UTIs are a common thing. Simple "fix" is to take a low dose antibiotic afterward. Problem solved in one short trip to the doctor's. So, this isn't really like what you and your ex went through - but I do get the conflicting feelings and lingering doubts. Fortunately, mine was an easy fix and things got back on track. Your issue is much more complicated. But I think I can begin to understand how you're feeling - my partner felt pretty terribly - not just about me having pain after sex - but also due to him thinking that he was responsible and doing something wrong and somehow as if he was an inadequate lover (which, I'll add - he is not). It's just the way some women are built. Nothing to do with him. Just like some women have vaginismus - which has nothing to do with you.

My partner and I were able to get on with things because the solution was simple. You and your partner don't have an easy solution and it seems like she's running from the problem. It's really unfortunate that she wants to be with any man she can get her hands on. I think you're probably right about her hoping that if she tries with enough guys that maybe her problem will disappear as if by magic. It's a bit of a grown-up version of prince charming coming to save her. And as I said earlier, she's most likely feeling badly about herself, thinks that there is something wrong with her and suffering from a blow to her self-esteem. Finding the prince charming that magically makes the vaginismus disappear would mean that there isn't really something wrong with her. I suppose that it's normal to wish for the fairytale. I just hope that she doesn't make stupid, rash choices and end up getting hurt - physically or emotionally. While she might be hoping for the fairytale ending, I really doubt she'll get it. I think she'll end up feeling worse if she behaves promiscuously and ends up right back where she started - with vaginisum that isn't going away by magic. You're right to be worried - I think that there is potential for her to be hurt if she's not selective about the guys she hooks up with. I'm sure that she still wants a loving relationship - but at the moment she most likely wants to feel "normal" more than loved. If it's not already part of her plan to deal with the vaginismus, you might gently suggest to her that maybe she should include a couple counselling sessions to come to terms with her feelings about have the condition. Sudden promiscuity almost always means trouble.

As for you getting counselling re the jealousy - that might not be a bad idea. Jealousy is such a huge problem in relationships (look no further than the board for a full catalogue of relationships ruined by jealousy!). I don't think that this sort of counselling is covered by the NHS tho and it can be v. expensive. If this is an issue, you might consider browsing through the self-help books at your local bookshop or online and see how that helps first.[/QUOTE]


I'm extremely grateful I found this place!:)

Oh I am sorry to hear about the uti problem, I am glad you managed to find a solution for it- I hope your partner didn't get too unhappy about it!But yeah that is very similiar to how me and my previous partner felt right when we were in the thick of things with vaginismus.

Yeah you've hit the nail on the head there with summing up how (I think) she thinks being promiscuous might help her in some way- I just hope it doesn't get too out of hand if she chooses to be like that- things used to be so different though-she used to value a loving, caring relationship like me but now thinks the whole idea of that is rubbish- another part of it that as previously mentioned, up until a few days ago when she said she just wanted a normal platonic friendship between us (she told me she wanted to feel and act single from now on and that with me acting the way I was, that she didn't feel single at all) with no intimacy or sexual activities between us at all, it hurt me that she just completely cut things off in that way but still wants to go and find other men to satisfy her- I think all of this is revolving back around to my problems with my self esteem!And maybe she thinks I have not been able to help with her vaginismus so maybe another can. She has said before briefly that we 'were young' when we first started trying to do stuff and it's not my fault we tried when we did because we were enthusiastic, I think she's hinting at the fact that us being so eager might have messed up and caused her condition somewhat!!

I had a chat with a friend last night and he also said he thinks it's not a problem with my previous partner but just a problem with me needing to be wanted/loved by someone- I'm not sure if that's right or not!

I think in some twisted way I also think that my previous partners condition somehow brought us closer together (at the time)- we were going through such a tough time that I felt it bonded us somewhat. Add to that the fact that we both were so similiar (didn't drink or smoke, both vegetarian, both didn't want kids or a marriage) and it makes me think 'I'm losing out here, I'll never find a girl like her to get on so well with...' but maybe I've got a slight 'glimmer' over things as this was my first ever proper long term relationship? My friend seems to think that might be the case and that most people always have a special place in their heart for their first serious relationship- I'm not sure if that's true or not!

Also (always with a the alsos, sorry!!) I asked her last night how she managed to be so happy and not sad about the whole situation between myself and her- her answer was simply 'I'm not sad about it so don't get sad.' Apparently her completely cutting off the more casual relationship we had after a broke up and then her just wanting friendship and everything that's gone on hasn't hurt her at all and she is happy about it- she wanted to be free and feel single like mentioned earlier. I found that hard to swallow considering how sad the whole episode has made me!!

Thank you for the idea about her seeing a councellor- she did go to a sex therapist but didn't find the experience positive and instead bought some self help books/a kit to help her along the way, by all reports it's coming along well (the last time she told me as us discussing her vaginismus is off limits now!)

Ahh yeah, I didn't think this sort of thing would be covered- I'll have to look into it and find books/places online for help, thanks for the tip!

Again, thanks for reading. I tried to send you a PM to say I appreciate it but wasn't able to!


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