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    Old 10-22-2007, 11:08 AM   #1
    walkabout
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    Would you tell your Husband?

    Would you tell your husband that someone from your past (a man), called you after all these years? He found my # on the internet.

     
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    Old 10-22-2007, 11:11 AM   #2
    Mary83
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    Yes, I would tell him. The way I see it, you did nothing wrong. If you hide it from him and he finds out, then it looks as though you have done something wrong or you are hiding something. I would just casually mention it and explain to him that the other man looked you up.

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 11:20 AM   #3
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Mary83 View Post
    Yes, I would tell him. The way I see it, you did nothing wrong. If you hide it from him and he finds out, then it looks as though you have done something wrong or you are hiding something. I would just casually mention it and explain to him that the other man looked you up.
    You know the ole saying...shoulda,woulda,coulda? I thought that all day (Saturday) when it happened. Then when he got home, I froze up, gave him a huge hug and kiss and went on with our life. Now it is haunting me !

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 11:21 AM   #4
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    If I loved my husband and valued my marriage, and there was nothing to hide from him, and I had never done anything inappropriate with this old flame, and my husband was reasonable and not abusively jealous, yes, I'd most definitely tell him.

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 11:27 AM   #5
    walkabout
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    If I loved my husband and valued my marriage, and there was nothing to hide from him, and I had never done anything inappropriate with this old flame, and my husband was reasonable and not abusively jealous, yes, I'd most definitely tell him.
    I have never given my husband anything to be jealous about in the 16 years we have been together. I had a few skeletons in my closet be before we met, but it was all before his time. From the moment I met him, I was completely honest. Now that the time has past since the phone call a few days ago, I feel I should let sleeping dogs ly (not LIE).

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 11:45 AM   #6
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    Yes, I would also let sleeping dogs ly, Walkabout.
    What is the point of stiring up things if there was nothing in the phonecall in the first place? The reason that you may feel a twich of quilt is because you used to like this person. The key word here is "used" to, not now. So, just forget it and the quilt will go. Enjoy your marriage and your honesty with each other. If you have some skeletons in the closet and you have managed to keep them that way for 16 years, why start airing them now?

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 11:48 AM   #7
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

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    Originally Posted by thaliak View Post
    Yes, I would also let sleeping dogs ly, Walkabout.
    What is the point of stiring up things if there was nothing in the phonecall in the first place? The reason that you may feel a twich of quilt is because you used to like this person. The key word here is "used" to, not now. So, just forget it and the quilt will go. Enjoy your marriage and your honesty with each other. If you have some skeletons in the closet and you have managed to keep them that way for 16 years, why start airing them now?
    Thank-you Thaliak!! Your response makes me feel alittle better .

    I am willing to except any other comments, just to re-assure my self .

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 12:48 PM   #8
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    I don't see the point in telling him. It has nothing to do with him. It's your business - someone from your past and your life. You don't have to give him a detailed list of every person that you talk to.
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    Old 10-22-2007, 03:29 PM   #9
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    I'm not sure what you should do. I don't think it matters unless it preys on your mind. I'm sure your husband's reaction will be influnced by how you present it. If you don't think it is a big deal, he won't either. If you look guilty, he might think there is more to it.

    I prefer just to keep the secret smile to myself.

    But let me share a story. When we moved to this house, a mother in the kindergarten class invited my daughter to play since we were new in town. For some reason the daughter was at my house and her husband came to pick her up. I did not realize it at first but it was a man a dated breifly!!! Our daughters are still very good friends. It was so weird and I eventually told my husband. He didn't care...that was about 15 years ago. The man never said anything to me, but I know he knows who I am....I don't know if he told his wife. I think it is up to him so I never said anything to my daughter or his wife (who I am friendly with).

     
    Old 10-22-2007, 03:46 PM   #10
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    If it were me I would have no problem telling my husband. It's not like I would feel guilty or feel like I did something wrong. I guess it would be more of a courtesy thing. I would rather him tell me if the situation were reversed. The way I see, you can deal with the truth a lot easier than getting over a lie or deception. You didn't do anything wrong, so why hide it? If it were an old female friend you would tell him, wouldn't you?

     
    Old 10-23-2007, 04:40 AM   #11
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    First of all, thank you for your responses!

    Matter of time,how ironic to have your daughter playing with an Ex's daughter! I don't think I would have had a problem telling my husband about that either.

    Happymom, I wish it were that simple if it were an old girlfriend of mine. However,the skeleton in my closet that I mentioned earlier,is just that. This guy was not just an old boyfriend. I don't talk about this much, because it was a past that I wish I could erase from my life. You see, I was married before my husband now, and my marriage back then lacked dishonesty, trust,blahblahblah. It started out with me not trusting my Ex, thinking that he was always gone and there were lies that I caught him in. Well, unintentionally, I ended up having an affair with my boss whom was also married . He gave me the attention that I didn't get from my Ex and the adreniline rush and excitement was so sooo intense, I actually thrived on it for a moment. Deep down I was sinking fast from the guilt where it was starting to get the best of me. I tried ending it with him and he would beg me to keep it up. I never loved him. I actually loved and wanted to be loved by my husband. To make a long story as short as possible,I became in a depressing state, for I could not forgive myself for what I have done. It took a long time and alot of soul searching to get out of my rut. We have both devorced because of this. I am now re-married with a great husband who loves me,I have 2 children with him and he is a great father. I could'nt be more blessed. My husband now, is a family man. I have always felt I could trust him. The guy that called me, he has told me that his life is in shambles. He re-married and his wife left him about a year ago. Actually, around that time, I did run into him at a store. I was with my kids. I had'nt seen him in years and he looked bad. Anyway, he said to me that right after he seen me at the store, he had a stroke and almost died. They had to give him a trachiotemy and he is paralized on his left side. In shock that I am even speaking to him on the phone, I jokingly said, "I did'nt realize that I had such an effect on you". My bad? I let him say a few things and told him to never call me again. I was sorry that he is having trouble in life, but he needs to try to find some peace within himself as I did.

    So, there is my story. Now that you know this, does anyone retract there opinion as to what they would do? I must tell you that when I met my now husband, I was up front with him about me initiating an affair, but told him that there was no reason to ever have to tell him details, for it was before his time. We never talked about again, and I never even want to go there. This is why I froze. If it were just some ole flame that I had, I guess it would have been different.

     
    Old 10-23-2007, 05:18 AM   #12
    Seraph
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    I can see absolutely no reason why you should tell your husband. IMO, you need to sort out any turmoil within yourself about the past before you bring any of it up with your husband. When you can get to the stage of telling him in a by-the-way, casual sort of way, then you know you will not be carrying any baggage into your present relationship. I don't mean to keep things from the partner, but when you discuss things that are still causing you to be off centre, then a partner will pick up on this. If you want to "have it out", then that is OK, but if you just want it totally behind you, then let it lie. You have not entered into a correspondence with this man, leave it at that. Sera

     
    Old 10-23-2007, 05:25 AM   #13
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    I can see absolutely no reason why you should tell your husband. IMO, you need to sort out any turmoil within yourself about the past before you bring any of it up with your husband. When you can get to the stage of telling him in a by-the-way, casual sort of way, then you know you will not be carrying any baggage into your present relationship. I don't mean to keep things from the partner, but when you discuss things that are still causing you to be off centre, then a partner will pick up on this. If you want to "have it out", then that is OK, but if you just want it totally behind you, then let it lie. You have not entered into a correspondence with this man, leave it at that. Sera
    Isn't it something how something from your past that was so horrible that your trying to leave in the past, can haunt you at any given time. I am still o.k. with myself as far as carring any baggage. As see I it, I left the baggage on the plane and it's out a here!

     
    Old 10-23-2007, 05:28 AM   #14
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    I understand where you are coming from walkabout. I am always on here talking about how my ex was a lying cheating jerk. Well, I did something I wasn't proud of too. I was working in retail at the time just trying to save as much money as humanly possible. I had just filed the divorce papers and hadn't had him served yet. Well, one day an ex came in and we got to talking. He ended up taking me to lunch that day and it was just what I needed. He made me feel so much better in one hour than my husband did in years. Anyway, we ended up sleeping together, a few times. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. He is now married with daughter a little older than my youngest and we do email from time to time.

    One night my husband and I had a bottle of wine and were just talking. He asked me what's one secret about you that you really don't want me to know. I didn't want to answer first, so he told me something I never would have imagined. So, I decided if he could tell me something like that I could open up to him. I told him exactly what I did at the end of my marriage. I was so nervous he would be judgemental and think that I would do something like that to him but that wasn't the case at all. He was actually very understanding about it.

    Sorry to hyjack with my story, but I thought maybe that would help. You see, you still didn't do anything wrong. What you did before him shouldn't matter, and you don't have to tell him all the details. This is just my opinion on the matter. You do what is right for you. I am just one of those people who really value honesty between me and my husband because I didn't have that with my ex. My husband and I vowed that we would be honest with eachother no matter what. So far it has worked for us. Have we always liked what the other has had to say? Absolutely not. But knowing that we can say anything to eachother and it will be okay is really important to me.

    You need to do what is right for you walkabout. But whatever you do don't feel guilty for what you did in the past. We have all done things that we are not proud of. The most important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and don't repeat them. Judging by your post I don't think that will ever happen again.

     
    Old 10-23-2007, 05:34 AM   #15
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    Re: Would you tell your Husband?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by walkabout View Post
    Isn't it something how something from your past that was so horrible that your trying to leave in the past, can haunt you at any given time. I am still o.k. with myself as far as carring any baggage. As see I it, I left the baggage on the plane and it's out a here!
    this is an argument for doing what Happymom did, and putting it out there. I would (and have) with my husband, and was glad of it. But I was also glad that I was totally "over" the situation, or he would have worried that there was still some attachment or something. Sera

     
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