It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Long.... my mom's secret...

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 10-23-2007, 11:21 PM   #1
    woekee
    Newbie
    (female)
     
    woekee's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: Seattle
    Posts: 8
    woekee HB User
    Unhappy Long.... my mom's secret...

    I used to love both my parents so much I thought I never could live without them. Now, I sometimes just hate my mom so much I didnít care if she dies tomorrow. Hereís my story: a few years back during the summer I turned 18, I found out my mom was cheating with her co-worker. Somehow I sensed something was wrong, I went into her outlook using her labtop, and what I read there just shattered my seemingly perfectly innocent world. Like all the cheater who got caught, when confronted, my mom first denied and after I shoved the evidence onto her face, she assured me there wasnít anything physical between them. Even as she swore it was only an emotional affair, I was devastated. I felt she had betrayed my dad and the whole family, and the whole happy family thing was a total lie. I never let anyone know about it and she promised me she would end it with him.

    For about a year, my heart raced when I open my own email inbox. And every night until I had worn myself out, I wouldnít dare to go to bed because I would be going over the details of the emails I saw, trying to recollect when my mom might have lied to us in the past and coming up with plans to kill that damn guy. I also got into a habit of cursing this guy in my head whenever I was not focusing on something else. I live a long away from home, so I would also be wondering if my mom was seeing him. Over the years, I gradually recovered; although I know I havenít really let go. I just learned not to think about it too much.

    Just when I thought I was getting better, another thing popped up recently when I visited home on vacation. My mom came home from work unusually earlier this evening and received a call on her cell when she was talking to me. I knew something was wrong by the way she looked at her phone and the way she talked. It was just so unnatural. Awhile later when she went into shower, I looked through the call record on her phone and found the entry of the call she just received was deleted. I didnít shove the evidence on her face this time, but I brought the whole issue up again after a few weeks basically just let her know I am not trusting her. I could not make out whether she was a great actress or was just telling the truth, I couldnít question her any further and could only choose to believe then that she had kept her promise.

    But now after I left home, I found out I wasnít convinced after all. Not only do I still hate that manís guts, I now hate my mom, too. I still talk with her on the phone but always very brief. I only really want to talk to my dad. On her side, I guess she knew I donít trust her. I donít know what I can do to live free of this dark secret. It haunts me, gets me depressed from time to time, and makes me an unhappy person. Why did she delete the phone record? What can I do to live my life? I appreciate just any advice.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 10-23-2007, 11:51 PM   #2
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,442
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    You will only begin to move on with your life when you accept that your mother is a human being who has done something wrong, not an evil monster. You are sitting in judgement, and I can relate to that, but you don't know the WHOLE story, I can guarantee that. You do not know what pressures your parents' marriage may have been under, what she may have been dealing with. I do not excuse the cheating, but I would hesitate to totally judge this woman as bad. Sure, it was a life-altering thing to discover, and I speak only for your sake, that you will have to forgive and accept before you can get over this. As for that last phone call, you do not know whether it had anything to do with your mother's past affair, and even if it did, it doesn't mean that she has broken her word. It is hard on you, I know, and I am sorry for you going through this stuff. Sera

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 04:02 AM   #3
    thaliak
    Veteran
    (female)
     
    thaliak's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2007
    Location: nicosia, cyprus
    Posts: 349
    thaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB Userthaliak HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    Hatred is a very distructive feeling, my friend and the only one who is destroyed because you are consumed by it is YOU, not your mum.

    I agree with Seraph that there is such a thing as a mistake by another human being and one that you can very easily make yourself when you grow up. So, please do not judge your mother so harshly.
    If you can try to understand the reasons for her actions you can begin to forgive her and live a happier life.
    If she lied in the beginning this does not mean she is still lying to you. The fact that you took it badly means that she was right in hiding the affair in the first place so as not to hurt you because presumably it was not a serious matter for her. If it was she would have divorced your dad and broken the family. But she didn't.
    The fact that you want to tell your dad, means that the feelings of hurt and hatred are indeed taking over and you must start thinking about them. She had an affair, and what she did was wrong, but you are in no position to judge her and come out with a guilty verdict because you do not possess all the facts.. What will you achieve if you tell your dad, apart from making his life a misery as well? Think about it.
    I suggest you move on with your life and while you are at it, you will be able to experience a variety of feelings and do a variety of things which will teach you tolerance and understanding. Do not forget that you may stand in her shoes sometime.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 05:25 AM   #4
    walkabout
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    walkabout's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2007
    Location: Michigan
    Posts: 218
    walkabout HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    I am sort of disagreeing with the other posts. Please read my post just recently on Would you tell your husband? I am that mother that did the selfish act to my family. It is the most devistating thing that I had done to my daughter and it totally crushed me. If your mom has issues with your father, than I think that she needs to resolve her problems with him now or move on without him. I'm not sure if your mom is still having an affair or not, but if there is still sneaking around, your suspicions are probably correct. I feel you should sit down with your mom in a calm matter and tell her exactly how you feel. I would also tell her that you can't live with the secrets any more and that you are going to give her a time frame in which she should come clean. Otherwise you will. You should not have to carry her deception. Be blunt with her about either getting some sort of counceling with your father or have a family discussion. No one deserves to live like this. Not your father or you. The only way that the pain can begin to heal, is if you confront the problem head on. I'm not sure if your mom realizes this yet, but it could also be freeing for her as well. Some people just don't now what to do.

    I will be here if you have any questions. I wish you my best and my heart goes out to you.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 06:42 AM   #5
    pendulum
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2007
    Location: Florianůpolis, Brazil
    Posts: 3,933
    pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by walkabout View Post
    I am sort of disagreeing with the other posts.

    Walkabout, I think I agree with you. Actually I would endorse your very words. Painful as it is, the best way to handle this is to be open.

    Since Woekee is a woman, too, it may be easier for her (than if it were a son) to be an emotional support for her mother and help her move on, if this is her need. Mother and daughter should sit together and discuss it all without covering anything. This will be a most difficult encounter for both, but at the end it will probably be like a catharsis. A compromise should be found. The point is that while acknowledging her pain and frustration, Woekee should also realize that her mother is a human being, and human beings make mistakes. Making a mistake is not so bad as persisting in the mistake. Who knows to what extent Woekee's father is also responsible for his wife's deeds? Did he desert her without publicly showing it? Perhaps he already knows that something is going on? Anyway, a marriage is almost always a very difficult area of human relationship. It is never a rose garden. It is dangerous to judge spouses summarily.

    On the other hand, children tend to show more tolerance with their fathers than with their mothers. What if Woekee's father were also having a secret affair? Would Woekee be so devastated and angry as she is now with her mother? This is clearly a double standard, whereby men often can get away with marital infidelity whereas women usually can't. Woekee should be reminded of this.

    Last edited by pendulum; 10-24-2007 at 06:43 AM.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 07:11 AM   #6
    happymom28
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    happymom28's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Location: New Hampshire
    Posts: 4,195
    happymom28 HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    I agree with what walkabout had to say. Yes, your mother is human and we all make mistakes, but your mother's mistake is not only affecting her. Her selfish act is hurting you, her child, not to mention your father or any siblings you may have.

    I think you really need to get this all out in the open. This will give you an opportunity to get your feelings out there and give her a chance to explain her side of things. Parents shouldn't have to justify their actions to their children, but in this case I think she does. Who knows, your father may have a woman on the side as well, he may already know and not care of the affair, there are just so many possibilities. The bottom line is you don't know the whole story and getting this out in the open with your mother will help you to know it. It just may also get your mother to see just how much she is affecting those around her. She may not even realize the implications of her actions.

    I also think that you should seek some counselling. You need to find a healthy way to overcome this, and plotting the death of the man involved isn't it. I couldn't even imagine being in your position, but I am sure it is wreaking havoc on you. Make sure you are doing what you can to make yourself whole again.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 07:17 AM   #7
    matter of time
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    matter of time's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: NY
    Posts: 930
    matter of time HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    I agree with posters who say you don't have all the facts and you are too young to understand the big picture here. You have to forgive human failings.

    However you need to air this out with your mother. The situation is causing you stress and will affect your relationship with your mother...and your future relationships. She may continue to hide something and that may be her privacy you need to accept.

    Has she neglected you? forgot your birthday? There are many dimensions to your mother and you will never know them all. Take the good ones. I'm sure she loves you unconditionaly and you should do the same in return. We all have something we are not proud of.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 07:25 AM   #8
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,442
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    I am getting more and more uncomfortable with this line of thought. IMO, this daughter found out something, basically by snooping into her mother's email, confronted her mother with it, demanded that she stop, and now, through snooping again, suspects her of continuing. It is hurtful, but her parents' marriage is none of her business. She does not live at home, she is an adult with her own life. Whatever her mother has done in the past, it is not for her to sit in judgement. Whether her mother tells her father or not is entirely up to the mother herself. Mother did not burden this person with this secret, she took it upon herself. Butt out of your parents' lives, you don't have nearly enough evidence, knowledge, understanding to confront them with this. Talk to your mother by all means, but try to do so without the self-righteous blaming attitude. This stuff can happen to anyone, and she has enough stuff to deal with already.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 07:43 AM   #9
    walkabout
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    walkabout's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2007
    Location: Michigan
    Posts: 218
    walkabout HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    I am getting more and more uncomfortable with this line of thought. IMO, this daughter found out something, basically by snooping into her mother's email, confronted her mother with it, demanded that she stop, and now, through snooping again, suspects her of continuing. It is hurtful, but her parents' marriage is none of her business. She does not live at home, she is an adult with her own life. Whatever her mother has done in the past, it is not for her to sit in judgement. Whether her mother tells her father or not is entirely up to the mother herself. Mother did not burden this person with this secret, she took it upon herself. Butt out of your parents' lives, you don't have nearly enough evidence, knowledge, understanding to confront them with this. Talk to your mother by all means, but try to do so without the self-righteous blaming attitude. This stuff can happen to anyone, and she has enough stuff to deal with already.
    Seraph, I know that every case is different, but you know what, when your playing with fire, your likely to get burned. I got caught with my car parked where it should not have been. It may be different then if someone is snooping in e-mails, but she is flesh and blood and has been deeply wounded by what she discovered. Her reaction was through shock and betrayal. I do not beleive that age makes a difference. These are her parents. Yes, their marraige is there own privacy, but this just simply effects a child at no matter what age. Who knows if this mom is still having an affair. The only way to get to the bottom of it, is to talk things out and get everything out in the open. Getting caught for me, was the best thing that could have happened. Even when I tried to end it ( and maybe she does'nt want to)it was the beginning of an end for me. I went through hell. But, I have totally changed my life values.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 07:47 AM   #10
    hoopty
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    hoopty's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: USA
    Posts: 115
    hoopty HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    I am getting more and more uncomfortable with this line of thought. IMO, this daughter found out something, basically by snooping into her mother's email, confronted her mother with it, demanded that she stop, and now, through snooping again, suspects her of continuing. It is hurtful, but her parents' marriage is none of her business. She does not live at home, she is an adult with her own life. Whatever her mother has done in the past, it is not for her to sit in judgement. Whether her mother tells her father or not is entirely up to the mother herself. Mother did not burden this person with this secret, she took it upon herself. Butt out of your parents' lives, you don't have nearly enough evidence, knowledge, understanding to confront them with this. Talk to your mother by all means, but try to do so without the self-righteous blaming attitude. This stuff can happen to anyone, and she has enough stuff to deal with already.
    I agree 100% with this! Let me add..."please use common sense and maturity!" Two wrongs don't make a right! Beware that acting in haste is not the right thing to do here! Let her work this out on her own!
    __________________
    Monkey see...monkey do...
    Secrets are nothing more than lies in disguise.
    Love is fragile...handle with care!

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 07:57 AM   #11
    happymom28
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    happymom28's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Location: New Hampshire
    Posts: 4,195
    happymom28 HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    As parents we affect our childrens' lives with our actions whether we intend to or not. We make decions every single day that are going to have some sort of affect on our children. If you don't want your actions to affect your children then you shouldn't be having children in the first place. I can't stand the fact that people don't feel they should be held accountable for things they are doing that affect other people.

    No, the OP shouldn't be snooping through her mother's email or phone, but her mother is also old enough to know what she is doing is wrong and can affect her family relationships. The OP's mother is suppose to be a role model to her children. As walkabout said, when you play with fire you are going to get burned. That is what her mother did and it's time she deal with the consiquences of her actions. Even if there is no longer anything going on this should get out in the open. Communication is key with every relationship. If she doesn't discuss this then she will continue to grow more resentful of her mother. How is that healthy?

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 08:10 AM   #12
    Seraph
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: Australia
    Posts: 5,442
    Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    I agree with the communication part of it. I think that if the OP sits down and talks to her mother in a non-judgemental way, and puts her anger on one side for a bit, she may find out why her mother may have needed to have an "emotional affair" with another man. The part I strongly disagree with is that she gets involved between her parents and their relationship. I do believe that she must sort out her feelings about her mother, and if talking it through with her mother will help that to happen, then great. I cannot for the life of me see what can be gained by the daughter giving her mother orders to tell her father, or demanding that she do this. That is her parents' business and, like anyone outside of a marriage, she just cannot know enough about the dynamics of her parents' relationship to make this judgement.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 08:17 AM   #13
    BeaTrade
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2007
    Location: US
    Posts: 796
    BeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    Well if you've been reading relationship issues long enough, all the time the issue of "should I tell?" always invariably comes up from time to time and always the general consensus is "do not tell"! So this should not be different just because it's the daughter that's found out! If she started yapping her jaws about this...there is no telling what the ramifications could be! It goes from the daughter being hurt to an entire family being hurt, maybe two families being hurt. Ever think that maybe the Mom is trying her best to stay in a crummy marriage for the sake of her kids? Maybe DaddyO is messing around too? First and foremost...Mom's are human and they make mistakes too!
    __________________
    My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 08:23 AM   #14
    happymom28
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    happymom28's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2006
    Location: New Hampshire
    Posts: 4,195
    happymom28 HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Seraph View Post
    The part I strongly disagree with is that she gets involved between her parents and their relationship. I do believe that she must sort out her feelings about her mother, and if talking it through with her mother will help that to happen, then great. I cannot for the life of me see what can be gained by the daughter giving her mother orders to tell her father, or demanding that she do this. That is her parents' business and, like anyone outside of a marriage, she just cannot know enough about the dynamics of her parents' relationship to make this judgement.
    I completely agree with that. The only reason the OP should be discussing this with her mother is to sort out her feelings. She in no way should be telling her mother what to do in regards to her marriage, just like she wouldn't want her mother involved with her personal relationships.

     
    Old 10-24-2007, 08:50 AM   #15
    walkabout
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    walkabout's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2007
    Location: Michigan
    Posts: 218
    walkabout HB User
    Re: Long.... my mom's secret...

    I don't think that a a child should tell a parent what to do either, but, from what she has been carrying ( such as knowledge of deception) I think that she feels that she needs to get this off her chest. If her mom is'nt going to say anything to her father and she doesn't say anything to her father, than the pain will grow and grow. The family is tearing apart. She is hating her mother!!! I know nothing about the father, but it doesn't matter if he is a bad husband, or he is having an affair himself etc... There is no excuse for any type of infadelity. Leave the marraige first or try to make it work...period.

    I appolagize if I am coming across too firm . This is a touchy subject with me. If I only knew then what I know now. I guess I learned the hard way and alot of people can get hurt.

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Long distance relationships: Do they work? n*l Relationship Health 12 11-05-2007 11:48 AM
    My Little Brother ~ How to Comfort Him Long Distance goody2shuz Death & Dying 24 05-31-2007 12:19 PM
    Dad is cheating on Mom!!! Help me.. TheKimster Relationship Health 8 10-11-2005 10:07 AM
    Im in the middle and Im winning!Warning very long! Sydney777 Addiction & Recovery 17 10-02-2005 06:38 PM
    Need help, thoughts, anything LONG POST (cheating wife) onyR Relationship Health 19 08-13-2005 04:05 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:51 PM.





    © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!