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    Old 11-07-2007, 04:13 PM   #1
    simplyj
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    He didn't write back!!!!

    I know, I know...You told me so. Many of you who responded to my thread entitled... "could he be looking for me?" know this story so I will refrain from being redundant. To recap, after many years of no contact with my first love, I found his profile on another site and sent him a message. In his replies he seemed genuinely surprised and happy to hear from me after all this time. By the end of the online conversation, he asked me to please stay in contact and I asked him to do the same. That was 2 days ago and I've not heard from him again. My plan was to let him send the last message and for ME not to reply, just to show that I wasn't emotionally invested in him anymore but OF COURSE he goes ahead and reads my last message and then DOES NOT RESPOND. Why can't I at least have the last word on this? It's stupid, stupid, stupid I know and I should not care if he contacts me again but I wanted to be the one to not respond just to get that last word in and feel triumphant.

    To the men out there in "healthboards land" why the HECK does it seem like you always have the last word!!!

    And to the women, I feel like cutting my hair that's how frustrated I am at this!

     
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    Old 11-07-2007, 04:36 PM   #2
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Well I wouldn't want my husband communicating with some EX girlfriend...so maybe he has enough respect for his wife to not get involved with another woman! I have EXes that if they wrote to me and asked me if I was thinking of them, I would say "yes, I've been wondering what you've ended up doing with your life". That does not mean that I've been pining away for them for years and years!
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    Old 11-07-2007, 04:44 PM   #3
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    I don't know the whole story here. But I am on a site that I don't think I can say, and yes, I have a few ex boyfreinds on my friends list, my husband has a few ex girlfriends as well. The thing is so, it's just to reconnect and keep in touch and it's not huge deal to either of us since we both have friends of the opposite sex anyways. I'm not quite sure why you emailed him, was it to try to get him back or something? Why do you care so much that he didn't reply and got the last word? I have lots of freinds on the site, and if they don't reply right away it's no big deal.

     
    Old 11-07-2007, 06:57 PM   #4
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    I'm with BeaTrade on this. Any conversation with an ex should be...where did you end up: job? married? kids? end of story.

    If you both happen to be available to date again...go for it.

     
    Old 11-07-2007, 08:08 PM   #5
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    I'm not really sure why you thought he would write back right away. When ever I've reconnected with a long lost friend or someone from my past, it's always been - gee, great to hear from you! Yes, you too! Long time! How's things?? [fill in marital status, kids, job, add in a couple "back in the day" stories, etc.] Then you say "let's keep in touch" and usually that means anything from as little as "see you at the reunion" to as much as "you're back on my Christmas card list." It rarely literally means "I'll e-mail you tomorrow" or "let's pick up our friendship."

    So he didn't get the last word. He just followed social protocol and left things at "let's keep in touch." Nothing unusual about that.

    The only reason that I can think of for you to be upset is if by "let's keep in touch" you thought (or hoped) that meant "let's rekindle our friendship." In other words - you were excepting something out of the ordinary from him. Are you sure that you're not actually upset because what you were really hoping for was that he'd express some deeper feelings for you (maybe the ones you have for him)?

     
    Old 11-07-2007, 08:25 PM   #6
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Move on with your life and leave the past behind. Perhaps you were not the catch of a lifetime for him...thus the term 'ex'. We all have been on both sides of the coin that's just the way it is...there is no explanation ...it just is.

     
    Old 11-07-2007, 08:31 PM   #7
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Yes beatrade, I've been pining for him all these years as sad as it sounds and it looks like I was the only one. I was HOPING that once he reconnected with me, he'd want to really keep in contact and not just say that to be polite but I guess I got what I deserved for being such an idiot.

    Amy2705, I wanted to believe he still had feelings, like I do but that does not seem to be the case. If you hadn't heard from someone from your past that you really, truly missed, wouldn't you write back right away just to keep the momentum going? I set myself up for this disappointment when I knew I shouldn't have. I did want to rekindle a friendship but this just proves that I can't handle being freinds with him because my expectancies are so way out of line. And he's married...and should be left alone. I've never, ever done anything like this before such as contact a married man. I'm a wife too and I respect other wives yet for him, I've compromised that integrity because I knew when I contacted him, that I still had feelings. As I said, I am an idiot and I got what I deserved.

     
    Old 11-07-2007, 08:54 PM   #8
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Don't be silly - you are not an idiot and you do not deserve to feel as hurt, upset and confused as you do. You didn't cross a line - you reconnected with an old friend. If anything, you're disappointed that you left the door a bit open and he didn't cross the line or initiate something that could lead to crossing the line. But no line has actually been crossed.

    you did set yourself up for disappointment - but that doesn't mean you should berate yourself. You are not a bad person just for having feelings for someone. You haven't actually done anything wrong. All you've done is had a friendly chat with an old friend. You might have hoped that he would say certain things - but he didn't. And you didn't say anything like that to him either. No actual harm done - except to you, emotionally. But that doesn't mean you "deserve" it. Of course you don't. What you deserve is to find what will make you happy - even if that's not your marriage or a reconnection with your ex. Don't make things worse by being so down on yourself - you've no reason to be.

     
    Old 11-08-2007, 07:56 AM   #9
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    I'm sorry you're so frustrated simplyj, really I am.

    You have to remember he is not in the same place as you. You are contemplating ending your pretty much loveless marriage. You have no idea how is marriage is. For all you know she could be the love of his life in his eyes (sorry ).

    There are so many variables and what ifs in your situation here. He could have told you to keep in touch to be nice and never meant to follow through with it on his end. His wife may have found out he was talking to an ex-girlfriend online and freaked out. You just don't know. The only thing you do know is that he has chosen not to write back and you have to respect that.

    I know it's hard. You are in a very emotional place right now. Perhaps it would be for the best to just let him go. You got your contact, you got the answers you were looking for. Now it's time to move on in your life and let him have his.

     
    Old 11-08-2007, 05:29 PM   #10
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Thank you all for the moral support. I do feel foolish because at 37 I should be better apt at handling this situation. I mean really, we started dating at 15 and it ended when we were 21. He didn't even remember the last time we saw each other. He was off by two years AND he got my last name wrong and that felt like someone threw ice water on my face. Besides that, he said some nice things and I should just let it be. I am obviously not the love of his life duh! For so many years I had this fantasy of a reunion with him that was like a movie where he would see me, hug me and tell me how much he still loved me. Well that dream went to crap. So yeah, I am an idot for pining for this guy when he obviously has moved on. In the meantime, my husband is trying every way possible to keep us together so I've decided not to harp on "the talk" for now and just let things be. I was honest with him about my feelings and he is still willing to work on it so I at least owe that some consideration. I now have to take a real close look at my life, now that the bubble of reuniting with my ex has exploded in my face. Here I was, all this time thinking he regretted our break up and yet, he's forgotten some of the basic things like MY REAL LAST NAME! I still can't get over that one, but then again, it's obvious that I take a long time to get over anything. I've been keeping myself busy with exercise to try to get out some of these pent up emotions. One minute I am laughing my butt off, the next I m crying my eyes out. I have to move past this. I thought of taking my profile off that site so he will not b able to write to me again. That way I won;t be disappointed when I check the inbox and it's empty. This hurts me to my soul and I think about how much it would hurt my husband the same way if I left him. I never want to cause anyone the pain that I feel missing someone who didn't miss me. This hurts so much.

     
    Old 11-08-2007, 06:08 PM   #11
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Hey there girl, I know just how you feel. I had this insane crush on a guy in high school, we talked to each other every day, but never dated or anything like that. I lost contact with him after school but I thought about him for YEARS. More than seven years went by and I still dreamed about reuniting with him someday. Then not too long ago I found his profile on a website and, bursting with excitement, I e-mailed him...

    ...and he didn't even remember who I was. I was like, my god, there was not a day that went by that I did not think about this boy. And he didn't even remember ever talking to me? We talked every day for a year. He said he "talked to a lot of girls in high school" which must have taken place either before or after I was there, because for that whole entire school year I was literally the only girl I ever saw him talk to.

    So yeah - I KNOW it really hurts! But all you can do is just forget about him. I've been able to move on with my life at least, and not have him sitting in the back of my mind the whole time.
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    Old 11-09-2007, 09:46 AM   #12
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Simplyj, I am truly sorry things didn't pan out like you dreamed they would. Life just turns out that way sometimes.

    I think the thing to work on now is to just clear your head. Focus on yourself and what you want out of life. Take a moment to clear out the ex AND your husband, and think about where you see yourself, where you want to see yourself 5, 10 years down the road. What's your realistic ideal? Are you single? Are you married? To what kind of man? Not necessarily to WHOM specifically, but to what kind of man? THEN figure out if hubbie fits the bill, and go from there.

    It's tough, I know. There's no good or right answer sometimes. Just because we really want the true, soul mate kind of love, doesn't mean we're going to get it. It's not a promise or a guarantee in life. Lots of people never get it. Sometimes life is about enduring and finding some kind of contentment and satisfaction despite never getting to be actually happy.

    Hang in there. Good luck to you.

     
    Old 11-09-2007, 05:08 PM   #13
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Thank you all for your replies. They have helped me immensely (sincere). I am giving myself some mental space from all of this, even though it's crushed me emotionally. I'm stepping back and really assessing what I have in life, and what I still have left to achieve. For so long, one of my goals was to one day reunite with him and have him validate his love for me. I wanted to be "the one that got away", "the love of his life" etc...and it s**ks to know I wasn't. It was a very sobering exchange of words, though very few. Now I don;t have this fantasy anymore, there's no going back to that love. It doesn't exist, except in my heart. I led myself to believe I had a real impact on his life in a good way, and that he cherished that and I was wrong and I feel stupid. Yes, the love of his life is probably the woman he is now married to and I wanted it to be me. We both moved on with our lives, that is clear, but I thought that part of me stayed with him and it didn't. We weren't together a few months, it was years! How can being in a relationship with someone for years not leave some residual feelings? Anyway, this has been all too "ego-damaging" for me and that's what I've been coping with. It felt good to think he was still out there searching for me, and feels harsh that he wasn't. Anyway, I'll just have to get over it that's all. I am moving on with my life, there's no other choice now. One thing I keep telling myself is, "I don't want to be wife #3" so even if he did leave his wife to be with me (which is not even slightly possible) I don;t think commitment would be possible.

    To all of you that have shared your thoughts, thanks for getting me through this.

    simplyj

     
    Old 11-10-2007, 06:12 AM   #14
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    Re: He didn't write back!!!!

    Simplyj, stop feeling stupid! You did something that you needed to do. If you didn't you most likely would have spent the rest of your life with this fantasy and no relationship would ever had measured up to that. Whether you realize it or not right now, doing that was a very good thing.

    Nobody said that you didn't have an impact on his life. Of course you did. He did say he had thought about you, right? It was just not an impact to the degree you were hoping for, that's all. I'm sure you hold a place in his heart. I have a place in my heart for a few of my exes. Yes, I do think of them from time to time, but not in a romantic way. More of a "I wonder how they are and what became of them" kind of way.

    You'll be okay hon! It's really tough to have the rug pulled out from under you (so to speak). Once you have a few good cries adn reassess the situation you will see it really isn't as bad as you think.

     
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