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  • I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

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    Old 11-08-2007, 07:36 AM   #1
    godfreygirl
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    Question I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    My ex broke up with me almost 5 weeks ago. I posted previously about what I was feeling and going through and that he is 14 years older than me, is "family" because he's my ex-husband's brother....so I've known him for MANY years. We fell very hard and became very close.....but almost everyone on here can relate to that. Also he's a very proud man (are they ALL??), is very stubborn and bullheaded. But, he also has very many good traits too.....I know, they all have good traits.....we all have good and bad.

    My problem or concern? I probably shouldn't have, but I sent him a greeting card....it was for me mostly because I was feeling so much anger and other things we feel after breaking off a long-term relationship. (2-1/2 years) It was something I wanted to do to let him know "no hard feelings here". I did NOT expect any response. It just said "Thank You" on the front and was blank on the inside. I wrote to tell him I was thankful I had him in my life for the time I did and of all the things I was thankful to have as memories.

    Well, after he got the card, he called me and said it was the most sentimental, lovely and touching note I ever gave him (we sent each other cards and notes at times). He then asked me if we could have lunch together and go sit by the river and talk like we used to do. I said yes. The part I'm concerned about is HOW to take it. He's not a very good communicator if he feels it's "too deep" for him UNLESS we are in an intimate situation.....then he can, does and has opened up. I'm still very much in love with him, but I'm also at the place where I don't "need" him like before.......the hurting heart, the aching inside, the anger's gone.....all that stuff.

    We've also talked on the phone a couple of times since he asked me to lunch, we always end up "phone flirting"....it's just something we always did.....and he also dropped something off at my door.......a heater he knew I could use. But, I'm thinking it was an "excuse" to see me.....I was home, but did not answer the door. He likes to just "drop by" and I really don't like that....maybe I'm not too hospitable, but I live alone and don't always look my best....if you get my drift. We've also ran into each other at the gym even though I've tried to make it a point to be there when I know he's not.....but I have a Yoga class that I love and didn't want to give that up......so, I'd go, avoid where I knew he'd be, and just go to MY class. But, he saw my car and looked me up. He kissed me in the hall and called me "hon" as if nothing ever happened. That's how he does things.......if you don't talk about something and wait long enough, it will go away.

    So......any advice out there? I do want to keep him as a friend (and, at our ages, we could pull that off better) because I still consider him family......plus my niece (his daughter) has not talked to me since he and I broke up and I miss her. I know this is a "sticky wicket" and maybe I'm wanting "a fix".....I'm not sure. I've thought LONG and HARD about this and I know I'm going to keep my guard up, not talk about the past (unless it's positive....ie: no hashing up old disagreements) and am going to let HIM take the lead. So.....advice is welcome here. Thanks!!
    godfreygirl

     
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    Old 11-08-2007, 09:34 AM   #2
    pendulum
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    Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Hi

    It is hard to give you advice. First, I am a man, and maybe you are expecting responses from the ladies. Second, I don't clearly see how advice from us would stop you from going to meet him or whatever, since you have already thought long and hard about everything and it seems you have accepted his invitation. Or do you want advice on how to deport? That you know much better than us, the best advice is to face the music. See what he brings up and respond accordingly.

    However, I think there's a hidden agenda here - possibly from both sides. He seems to want to conquer or woo you again, and you apparently have high hopes that he is going to do so. Maybe you still have hopes to fall for him, but you are not entirely sure you will. Maybe he has lost some of his power over you. I don't know. These are all conjectures.

    My idea is that you should stick to your word and go up to meet him and see what happens. There are a lot of "don'ts" for you. Don't be disappointed if the encounter turns out plain and flat. Don't blame only him for that. Don't rehearse anything. Don't memorize any line. Don't waste your time going over what was said in order to discover subtle meanings. Just rely on your gut feelings, enjoy yourself and have fun. That's your age for it.

     
    Old 11-08-2007, 03:28 PM   #3
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    Thumbs up Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
    Hi

    It is hard to give you advice. Thanks for the reply pendulum and yes, you're right. It is hard to give advice to someone else. I think I was hoping maybe someone else might have gone trough something similar and could shed some light on how they handled it. First, I am a man, and maybe you are expecting responses from the ladies. No....I'm glad to hear a man's point of view on this. Second, I don't clearly see how advice from us would stop you from going to meet him or whatever, since you have already thought long and hard about everything and it seems you have accepted his invitation. Or do you want advice on how to deport? I think maybe I was....but that's hard for someone else to do too. I think maybe I was just a bit nervous about it and wanted to share and see what advice came through. That you know much better than us, the best advice is to face the music. See what he brings up and respond accordingly. That's exactly what I'm going to do....just "play it cool" and see what he says, brings up, and how he acts. Sometimes body language can say a lot more than words.

    However, I think there's a hidden agenda here - possibly from both sides. He seems to want to conquer or woo you again, and you apparently have high hopes that he is going to do so. I think HE has that agenda. I'm very sure there are some "things" about us that he misses big time. But, I won't be a concubine for ANY man and, if I don't feel the same love coming from him or an "I'm sorry" or something (I'm not really sure yet), there's going to be NO going backward for me in the intimacy department. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I did that. Maybe you still have hopes to fall for him, but you are not entirely sure you will. Maybe he has lost some of his power over you. Well, I already still love him but, you're very right......he HAS lost some power over me. I don't have that "need" for him like I did before. I think I could move on....maybe not necessarily easily.....but move on gradually. I've already begun that and that's why I really don't want to go backwards. I think I just want my "family member" back. We've been family for years and I'd like to keep it together if possible. My ex-husband's family is the only family I've had for years.....except for my 2 children and 6 grandchildren....who all live out of town. So, I'd really like to see if the "let's be friends" thing can work without any old feelings cropping up. There's always been some pretty hot sparks between us over the last 2-1/2 years....so I think that's going to be hard and is what I'm a bit afraid of. He does know how to woe me....but I have to keep my guard up BIG time. I don't know. These are all conjectures.

    My idea is that you should stick to your word and go up to meet him and see what happens. There are a lot of "don'ts" for you. Don't be disappointed if the encounter turns out plain and flat. Don't blame only him for that. Don't rehearse anything. Don't memorize any line. Don't waste your time going over what was said in order to discover subtle meanings. Thanks for the "don'ts" list....I'll remember them even if I have to write them down and read my notes. Just rely on your gut feelings, enjoy yourself and have fun. I will try to do just that.....I think I can, I think I can, I think.....well, you get the gist. I'm a grown woman and am "supposed" to learn from my mistakes.....funny how we don't always DO that though. That's your age for it.

     
    Old 11-09-2007, 04:08 AM   #4
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    Thumbs up Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Here's another update to this situation. I had a hard time sleeping last night and just felt compelled to pray.....and I did. Now I have peace about meeting my ex today for lunch. I've asked God and His Spirit to go with me, sit beside me, direct my speech and actions.....and just really totally guide me through the whole thing so I'll know how to take it and what to do. I trust Him to do that and I now have NO worries about it and am just looking forward to some nice conversation with "an old friend" and having a nice time.
    godfreygirl at peace

     
    Old 11-09-2007, 09:18 AM   #5
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    Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Gfg

    Bring back the news. And don't forget to tell what was on the menu and if the wine was ok.

    Cheers.

    Pend

     
    Old 11-10-2007, 08:18 AM   #6
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    Smile Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Well.....here's the update on my ex and I getting together again for lunch after he broke up with me almost 5 weeks ago. (Sorry, it may be a bit long.) OH....sorry pendulum, there was no wine, just lunch at Dos Rios (Two Rivers) Mexican Restaurant on the River Road where we live. BUT, we had a WONDERFUL time!! Neither of us talked about the past, why he broke up (I knew he was angry with me at the time anyway), and talked about nothing from past disagreements or arguments.....nothing of the past. Yesterday was yesterday and that's all that counted. We can't to anything about the past anyway. So, we had a wonderful lunch, went down "The Great River Road", which is right in our town, went for a long hike through the woods, held hands, laughed, sat and talked for a long time and had just as good time just as we did before and then went back to his house. He became very amorous and I knew what he wanted. I said "things may not be the same you know".......and he said "things are EXACTLY the same". Well, I knew what that meant without having to ask him.....I know him VERY well. It meant he was angry, went through the time he needed to get over it, wanted to wait and see how I felt about him breaking it off, and after I sent him the "Thank You" card that thanked him for all the memories we made, he KNEW how I felt......and that's all he needed to know he wouldn't have to be afraid to call me again. With me, I knew that meant that his love for me had not changed....it just needed a "time out".

    So......bottom line here? We've both learned a LOT about each other and how we feel about each other after this longest breakup we've ever had. I think it made HIM see how much he really DID miss me.....and me the same....and I think it made us see that we CAN 'carry this relationship off ' if we continue to remember the lessons we've learned here. Yes.....we've both done things over the past 2-1/2 years to hurt each other, said stupid things and all the other things we ALL do when we're in a serious relationship.....but that is human nature.

    The things we have going for us that some of the "younger people" out there haven't necessarily had the chance to learn yet is....when you get older (and we may seem ANCIENT to some of you because I'm a very young 64 and he is a very young 78.......YES.....we CAN still be VERY "young at heart" at that age AND fall in love JUST as intensely as you younger ones (and young in body too if you workout for years and stay healthy....please younger people out there.....DO THAT for YOU!!) ......BUT, we also have the advantage of "learning from our past life experiences" and we do NOT "play games" with each other. We do almost EVERYTHING you "young folks" do......YES we DO....believe it or not....you will will see when you get to our age. We bike ride, take long walks, get a blanket and go to the park to watch the sun go down......and all the other romantic things that mean SOOO much to us as we get older.

    So.....bottom line? I think we are back to where we were before. I KNOW this. I'm a very savvy woman (not bragging....just being honest) and I KNOW when I'm being "shoveled bull"......and he IS sincere. I could see that same old sparkle in his eyes when he saw me and I just KNEW....."Yes.....he still loves me!" So.....we are going to continue to see each other, go places together...and so on.

    Now.........another opinion from all of you out there. IS there anything wrong with me seeing TWO guys at one time??????? Remember, I began seeing guy #2 after my breakup? We've become good friends and knows I'm not ready for more right now. I AM in love with "guy #1) and I really LIKE "guy #2)........plus he helps me a LOT financially and I need that right now. BUT.....keep in mind, I would NEVER, EVER be intimate with TWO men at one time......NEVER. I just do NOT think that is something a woman should do and I would NOT want my granddaughters to do that. I DO have morals and values and I would have to answer to a Higher Power if I did that.

    Now........I KNOW neither of these men would be WANTING me to be seeing the other.......BUT, is it "wrong" for ME to be seeing both of them? After all, I can do what I want.....right. I just do NOT want to lose either one of them......I care for them both VERY much......but love the #1 man.

    So.......there is my LONG story. I'm happy again.....NOT because of HIM, but because I now believe I KNOW what I want to do........I want to see BOTH of them.....but in very different ways. And, again, I would NEVER be intimate with both. JUST the one I'm in love with.....(my "guy #1)

    HEY......guys do that don't they???? But, when they do it, in my mind, they are playing games. I am not......I really DO care for these men and would NEVER play games with them......but, I MAY be doing it without even knowing it......what do you think?????

    Now.........advice is VERY, VERY welcome. But.......bottom line.....the day was WONDERFUL!!!!!!! OH.........HEY........we even went down in the woods (like the 'younger' people do) and had a VERY 'sexy' encounter with each other there......NOT all the way......just romantic.

    OH.....AND.......has ANYONE out there had ANY kind of similar circumstances in a relationship similar to mine????????????????? I'd sure LOVE to hear about it......and I'm sure others would love to also.
    A happy camper now that I have "my loved one back",
    godfreygirl

     
    Old 11-10-2007, 12:30 PM   #7
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    Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Godfreygirl

    Bravo!

    As for the issue at hand... well, it is your life, and you are "old" enough. I don't think you have to ask permission to do this or that, but just in order to avoid nasty surprises, both guys should at least know about the existence of each other and have a notion about what is going on.

     
    Old 11-17-2007, 06:47 PM   #8
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    Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    Hi Godfreygirl,
    I just read your posts and am so happy for you! I don't live too far from Alton, IL. I have gone thru a breakup this year and am having a hard time with coming to terms with it because of the way it happened. I truly love him so much and want him back but I'm losing hope as it's been about 9 mo. now. I wish I could talk to you and get some advice on how to go on. I'm so sad everyday. But I know I don't need someone to make me happy, I just haven't loved anyone like this before. By the way, I'm 52 and he is 63. Thanks for any advice.

     
    Old 11-19-2007, 07:37 AM   #9
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    Re: I'm 64, just broke up and don't know how to cope.....UPDATE...ex wants to see me

    I thought you did not like the new guy that was waiting in the wings that much. Is he worth upsetting the guy you love over?

    A lot of people wouldn't agree with me but I think if you don't have a ring on your finger, you don't have a commitment so go out with both if you want and only be intimate with one of them.

     
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