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    Old 11-14-2007, 02:19 PM   #1
    curiousJz
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    How to tell if wife has BPD

    Hello all,
    I am newly married to a life long friend who was once a partner in early life.
    She has been married twice and both of them have ended in divorce.

    During her marriages she confided in me about all the problems she was having in those relationships. She told me many times that she was unhappy with her hubby because he was fat and that she had crushed on (was attracted to) other men. She never ever acted like she would cheat or told me she had cheated. She did however catch her hubby in many lies and it ended in divorce.

    She went back and forth with him out of divorce and dated around. We were always friends during this time so I knew about her relationships. She was never satisfied with anyone or anything they did. However she would say in the same breath how great they were.

    She made several attempts to be with me and I passed before but this time we got together and are now married.

    We have our issues as I have had anxiety for years and tend to worry. Some of her behaviors tend to get me worried and we have both been to Psyc docs and had Counseling. They were not sure if she was bipolar or just depressed. She is now taking meds for depression. She would let many things pile up on her and feel tons of guilt over not pleasing people or getting their acceptance.

    The meds have helped level her out but our current problems are that I feel that she is too friendly to men and that they could take it the wrong way. She says I don't trust her but I'm a guy I could tell that if she approached me and was as friendly I would think she was interested. She says that i should trust her and what the guy thinks doesn't matter. Her over friendliness and flirty behavior stresses me and hurts my feelings and brings distrust into the relationship.

    It seems like there is always a guy that she will seem to want to help or be friendly to usually at work and she tells me about the guy bothering her and then I think, what did u do to cause this problem. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. She says that she wont be mean to people and it's just because I'm jealous. My doc says it is not wrong for me to think her behavior is inappropriate.

    She does seem to put me on a platform and say that this is the best relationship she has ever had. She also says no matter how many times she tells me and reassures me that I don't believe her but I'm reading her actions not her words. My wife thinks it's just me being a worrier and that I am too sensitive and that she is all fixed up and expects me to go get help. I have been going to counseling more so than here and niether of the docs think I am too sensitive or overly jealous.

    I don't think she would ever jeopardize our relationship by cheating and if that were the case I would definitely end it promptly and she knows that.

    This has came up many times in arguments, and my psyc doc says it sounds like bpd. She told me that counseling weekly would help. I am reading these forums and don't really see her exact behavior but she does put me on a pedestal and when we fight she tears me down. So I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to tell my wife how this last visit to the doc went without sounding accusatory.

    Any thoughts on this would be great and I appreciate it.

     
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    Old 11-15-2007, 12:31 AM   #2
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Hi:

    I have been trying to figure out how to respond for the last couple of hours since I first read it and I have still not figured it out. Your wife might have borderline tendencies but she is not really crying out I have BPD. I came to the conclusions by a couple of different factors. The first one is that you have know her for a long time and BPD tends to show through at different times that would have gave you plenty opportunity to really nail it down. The second factor is the antidepressant meds which really don't play into the factor as borderline is a personality disorder not a mental doisorder that can be tamed expecially by the class of meds ......... I take Seroquel which slows down my thought process but when I was on Effexor, Wellbutrin, Remeron simultaneously it did nothing for my BPD. The way you have described her shows someone who is seeking attention to help boost her self esteem which again cries out for a depression notice. Also with her keep returning to a failed partner does not fit the BPD well as once we made up our mind to end it is over you don't see a lot of reconcilliation but there are always exceptions. I don't want to sound rude but are you sure you are seeing her from the whole picture? The borderline criteria is very broad the way a lot of doctors sees it and for a long time people just say it when no other diagnosis fit they turn to a borderline diagnosis as its almost a catch all, which in my opinion is not the case. I guess the whole point of this is if she was truely borderline you would have noticed a long time ago ..........borderline blossoms when people are in their early twenties. Anyway I am not a doctor and this is just my opinion. Maybe if you had other examples from different areas in her life that don't revolve attention seeking behavior then the picture might be come more clear.

    take care
    trg247
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    Old 11-15-2007, 07:53 AM   #3
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Hi,

    Thanks for the thoughts on my situation.

    I'm sorry for being somewhat vague and paint with a broad brush but most of the things that come between us seem to be her provoking me into an argument. I say she's too nice to men she says she's just friendly. I think she seeks approval and she admits that she has in the past.

    The depression med Lexapro was given to level out the depression & mood swings she was having along with manias. She was even smelling things that were not there in our home but that has now gone away with the meds.

    I would be glad to give other examples of her behavior in the past.

    It would be great if you could be more specific on some of the types of behavior I might have seen.

    The reconciliation was with one person and she decided to leave him and left and divorced him soon after and then they dated for a while. All of the other relationships including ours from many years ago were done and over at her call. She always says when she's done she's done and usually never looks back.

    Since you have lived with BPD could you give me some examples that would have shown through?


    Thanks again for the input.

     
    Old 11-15-2007, 09:56 AM   #4
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    This might answer your question....an aspect of borderline that most men don't realize.....

    I believe I have been borderline since I was an infant....I have reason to believe this.

    My Dad used to have to travel for his job. He would be away sometimes for a week or two at a time.

    My Mom used to tell me that if my Dad was away, it didn't matter who walked in the house, as long as it was a man, I would be all over him. I would sit in his lap from the time he arrived, until he left.

    I would never go near a woman...pictures in my baby book of my Mom holding me look like I'm trying to get away from her.

    I have had men friends all my life. I still keep in contact with a few of them some 30+ years.

    I feel much safer with men than women.

    I never strayed on my husband....it is strictly an attention getting behaviour for me.

    I can't guarantee that your wife won't stray, but maybe you understand the behaviour a little bit more.

    My suggestion....very personal...if your relationship is good, she loves you, sex is good, she's not working late all the time, no reason to suspect any problems....try to enjoy her flirting, and take advantage of it....you are the one that will get the benefit of her flirting, at home.

    I really hope this helps....and you understand what I'm saying.

    Lil

     
    Old 11-15-2007, 12:56 PM   #5
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Hi,
    Very interesting information that you provided.She really doesn't have many female friends which may make some sense about her childhood.

    She was adopted then shortly after had a sister and brother born into the family and I think she was treated differently than the others. Maybe some sort of behavioral imprinting happened?

    I think she definitely tries to get a reaction from me because she knows some things might bother me but she brings them up as if to tell on herself. Nothing like cheating but things with co workers and email stuff. I have read some of the mail and I tend to believe that she personalizes too much but maybe I'm too sensitive.

    We are and have been working on this together with counseling but I don't think she realizes she hurts me and challenges my trust.

    She also has no clue that some of the things she does seem a bit odd to me and forcefully stands her ground that she is just a nice person. I'm not asking her to be mean to anyone but just to think about her actions. You know guys interpret any nice female as being interested in them.

    So thanks for the thoughts about it and I will continue to work on myself and our relationship.

     
    Old 11-15-2007, 01:23 PM   #6
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Hi:

    I am not sure if this will apply or make sense for that matter but I guess we will see.

    Right off the bat I have been deemed by my doctors to be "case book" BPD but at the same time my thinking is also effected by the other diagnosis (severe mdd, ptsd or c-ptsd, gad)

    Borderline live in the moment what happened a week ago really does not apply nor effect the choices we make to a degree unless it has effected the way we see ourselves and/or effect the way our perception of the other person was altered. If in the middle of an argument (which you will never win with a person with BPD) and the person brings up something that happened a month ago it means nothing to me no matter how relavent the example may have been. This is going to sound bad but when I am in the wrong state of mind and in a argument I switch over to protecting my self image and to do it I need to berate the other person then so be it

    Borderlines self image is rocky at best and we are constantly trying to reaffirm the positive and play off the negative - seeking outside approval and attention will play a part in some cases

    Borderline to my understanding is caused when as a child you were unable to express your emotions in a proper manner due to fear so you learn how to adapt which effects your thinking from that moment on until you figure out how to stop or at least delay it.

    Relationships are a little bit odd in the BPD world, for the better off the relationship is so does my self image so I work like crazy to ensure the success of the relationship for if it fails I don't take it as a breakdown between two people but because I failed but I will convey the message that it was the other persons fault because I need to make sure the way others see me are intact. The good part of this is the attention a BPD gives their partner is really high.

    I have no idea where I was going with tihis

    take care
    trg247
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    Old 11-15-2007, 01:45 PM   #7
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Thanks T,
    Well I have and have had GAD for some time and it was under control for the most part until now :-) So I worry and awfullize alot and it becomes an unstable mixture for us when she pushes my buttons. My psyc doc says to not bite into the trap of the provocation and to try to detach from it. I have a hard time with it because once the disagreement starts she makes me feel like I have failed her and then I worry about how she feels and I try to justify things and she gets more angry. So around we go but then we meet in the middle and go on.

    It's worth it to me to get through this and live and learn and accept.
    So this is why I'm here asking questions. I'm still not sure she has BPD we first thought it was Bipolar or mood cycling. She swears it is just typical depression so I don't know. She has been to other docs many years ago and did cognitive therapy and believes she's doing fine on the current meds.

    Hopefully the therapist we see together will get her diagnosed from a 3rd party perspective.

     
    Old 11-15-2007, 05:49 PM   #8
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Quote:
    If in the middle of an argument (which you will never win with a person with BPD)
    This is a definition of borderline.

    If your wife will not accept that she could be wrong, and brings up every sin you have ever committed, she's borderline. Bi-polar is not known for that.

    Lil

    Last edited by Pri Lily; 11-15-2007 at 05:52 PM.

     
    Old 11-16-2007, 07:05 AM   #9
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Pri,
    I think you have narrowed it down for me, because If I ask her if she thinks there is any small chance that she might just be somewhat wrong with her actions, She usually wont give an inch. I tell her that I will give 50% and might be too sensitive to her friendliness and I will work towards any solution to help me better understand.I only ask that she should meet me in the middle for the both of us.

    It is very obvious that she wont or just says it and she surely doesn't believe it. She thinks I want her to be rude to men but really I just don't want her to send the wrong message.

    Another thing I have noticed is that she tends to bring up things that I think she knows will set my worries in motion. For instance if I ask about her day went, she wont just generalize and say it went well but instead add to it that "oh this man came in to the office today..." and so on as if they had a more than general conversation. Or another instance would be that in a public place she will remind me of someone staring her up and down, even though I didn't see it and that doesn't bother me but it's hard to understand why she would say it. Maybe to see if I react to it ?

    Im having a hard time with this and it's hurting my health and I'm under lots of stress trying to figure out if it's me or her or both.

    Any ideas as to how to decipher her actions and how to react would be helpful.


     
    Old 11-16-2007, 08:18 AM   #10
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Quote:
    Maybe to see if I react to it ?
    That is your answer.

    Borderlines are big attention getters. Sometimes, we will get it any way we can.

    Unless she really embraces the concept of being borderline, she will not accept what you say. She is right, you are wrong.

    That's why I suggested that you embrace her behaviour. Make it work for you, because in the end, it's your attention that she wants.

    When she tells you about talking to other men, ask her what he had to say. Think about it, if she were really interested in this other person, would she be telling you about it? No.

    If she tells you someone is looking her up and down......say..it must be because he likes what he sees. Use it as a confidence booster...say to yourself.....too bad, buddy....she goes home with me.....

    This can actually improve your life, if handled properly.

    Shake it up, and turn it around to suit your needs.

    I hope this helps.....please let me know...

    Lil

     
    Old 11-16-2007, 08:25 AM   #11
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    One more thing to add.

    Our thinking is very black or white...I think trg mentioned that......

    What that means is....she can either talk to men all she wants, or she has to tell them to get lost, as soon as they open their mouths.

    She doesn't understand anything in between.

    I don't believe, from what you've said, that she's trying to drive you crazy, she really doesn't understand.

    Good Luck....

    Lil

     
    Old 11-16-2007, 08:42 AM   #12
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Thanks Lil,

    Really tough to get my thoughts wrapped around all this behavioral stuff.

    I can really understand it better now that I see the splitting issue and the black and white thinking.

    I really do care and love her but she is hurting my trust in the relationship.

    I hope for the best from our therapist.

    Thanks!

     
    Old 11-16-2007, 09:08 AM   #13
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    I know that you didn't sign up for BPD in your marriage vows.

    I am BPD, and have to use creative thinking, constantly, to try to live in the "normal" world.

    My thoughts used to be really dark and negative...sometimes they still are. But I have trained myself to change them, when negative.

    I have been stuck in situations that looked like no resolution was available. So I started thinking outside the box at times. I had to to survive.

    You may have to do the same, for your health, and marriage to survive.

    Good Luck....please keep me posted

    Lil

     
    Old 11-16-2007, 09:33 AM   #14
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Thanks Lil,

    Will post after our next visit to therapist.

    One thing you might find interesting is that in my first marriage I ended up with a very attractive girl who had been molested by a step parent and she would exhibit unstable behaviors also. She was very attractive and I think I was blinded by that. She was very jealous and had a low self image and at the time I had no clue about coping and reassuring her.

    I didn't trust her because of the threats she made because she thought I was looking at or thinking about other women, this was in her head and not mine. She would do things, make threats to pay me back for things I never did. So I never really trusted her and I think this may have some influence on this relationship. My Psych says that it's not me and the way I feel is not unreasonable for the current behavior in this relationship.

    I really wanted to take blame for some of this and still find I'm at fault for expecting the worst thing and try to break the negative thoughts.

    I can't help to think that I seem to be predisposed to end up in these types of relationships. I was divorced in 1994 and this is a second attempt 14 yrs later. I really feel helpless sometimes and I'm on more meds now than I have ever been. If we can work through this I think we will both be better people and if not, I will have improved myself for the better either way.

    Will let you know how our visit goes at the therapist.

    Thanks for all the help

     
    Old 11-20-2007, 09:37 AM   #15
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    Re: How to tell if wife has BPD

    Just posting a follow up after my visit to the psychologist with my wife.
    Well I had to eat a whole plate of crow basically and was told I was overly sensitive and I guess it's all my fault or at least thats how I felt, which is ok and I can handle it but this totally contradicts what the Psychiatrist who is a doctor told me.

    My wife has had a whole life of episodic depression and feeling like she doesn't fit in.
    There are definitely some real issues on her part and she has never gone to the psychiatrist with me, she wont go because she doesn't want to miss work as it is about 30 mins away from our town.

    What she did was go to a GP and ask for anti depression meds to stable her moodiness. I have completely let go of being provoked by her attempts and they continue, but I have played like they don't even get my attention. The only fear I have now is that she has a green light to act how ever she wants and I can't say anything about it because I'm the one with the insecurities.

    The psychiatrist and the psychologist were supposed to be communicating to each other so I have no clue what actually went on or why one said one thing over the other. It really seemed somewhat unprofessional the way she sided with my wife and almost seemed like a test for me for which I held my composure and agreed that I could and will do my part to take care of my own issues.

    Just seems like she let my wife completely off the hook and it all fell on me. Trust me she cannot be cured in 3 weeks of taking antidepressants. It has definately helped but she still does thing like look in the mirror and say how ugly she feels, she did it last night when we got home when she refused to go to the store with me. I finally convinced her to go but she said after I asked her to change her shirt(old Tshirt) she looked at her self in the mirror and she felt ugly and that's why she didn't want to go.

    I am going to start putting myself first and not react to the things she does that might drag me into a fight. I have to go back to these 2 docs in the next few weeks so we will see what happens.

     
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