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-   -   Long-term single Ive found the answer! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/553090-long-term-single-i-ve-found-answer.html)

JennyLee123 12-02-2007 02:05 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Another friend of mine has a boyfriend. It's official I am the ONLY person left who is single.

And I'm jealous, too. I don't think I want to be her friend anymore.

xanadu2 12-02-2007 04:56 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3330130] My boyfriend on the other hand, who wasn't even the one who had dropped the key, and who was concerned about me and my car rather than being inconvenieced by my car being outside his house, and who gladly gave me a ride whenever I really needed it, went out on the porch with a coat hanger and spent several minutes fishing my key out from under the porch. I didn't even ask him to. Like I've said, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he had a goodness in him that is rare and very very hard to find.

It just kills that I had that and blew it and lost it. Forgiveness is a big part of letting go and moving on. I haven't figured out how to forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps that cost me a good man, that made the difference between the life I have and the life I could have had.[/QUOTE]


LLM [quote] My boyfriend on the other hand, who wasn't even the one who had dropped the key, and who was concerned about me and my car rather than being inconvenieced by my car being outside his house, and who gladly gave me a ride whenever I really needed it, went out on the porch with a coat hanger and spent several minutes fishing my key out from under the porch. I didn't even ask him to. Like I've said, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he had a goodness in him that is rare and very very hard to find. [/quote]

What have I stated here? ;) It seems to be the hottest thread on the board and I haven't caught up on all the posts yet! ;)

LLM,

But why is this goodness so hard to find?

Round here there are any number of people who would do that, and more. A week ago my motorbike developed a problem and I was over 25 miles from home. A kind lady had invited me in to telephone the roadside rescue services from her house, but it got dark while I waited. The bike actually has two problems, the one that was fixed and also a tendency to wobble at speed, which is taxing my mechanic. I can ride safely by daylight on narrow country lanes with next to no traffic, but by night I can ride into mud and potholes I would avoid if I could see them. I need to follow the white line down the centre of bigger roads, where I have to go faster, but until it is cured the wobble makes that scary.

25 miles in darkness is not something I would normally do, but when the lady suggested I should ring a friend, the nearest friend I could contact came to the rescue. He put my motorbike in the back of his 4x4. There is no direct route to my home so we went back by a roundabout way over the hills, and he telephoned a third friend who drove to my house to help him get the bike out. Then of course both had to go back home again. I have of course let them know exactly how grateful I am, but the point is that around here that sort of kindness and helpfulness is normal! :angel: :angel: :angel:


Yet it wasn’t like that where I lived before, which is one reason that I love this place so much. :angel:

I often have the feeling you are surrounded by fairly unpleasant people. You know more about that than I do, but I don’t see why you have to suffer so much because you think that kindness is so rare. :confused:

You know I hate to make suggestions because you have been pestered to death by people saying you should try this that and the other. I take the point you made before about it being too stressful to weigh every aspect of body language, but this time I wonder about the people in the place where you live. You know what it is that ties you there, such as work, family and housing, but if it were not for that, I wonder how you would fare in a friendlier society? :angel:

rosequartz 12-03-2007 02:51 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3332604]Another friend of mine has a boyfriend. It's official I am the ONLY person left who is single.

And I'm jealous, too. I don't think I want to be her friend anymore.[/QUOTE]

wow now that sounds like something a 13 year old would say

Larrylou'smom 12-03-2007 03:27 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3332604]Another friend of mine has a boyfriend. It's official I am the ONLY person left who is single.

And I'm jealous, too. I don't think I want to be her friend anymore.[/QUOTE]

I could understand this if she were being cruel and insensitive about it, rubbing it in your face, mock pity and all that, going out of her way to make you feel bad about being single, poking fun, etc. If she is, she's not much of a friend.

But don't be so quick to end friendships because it's become painful or awkward being the "third wheel." Remember, her boyfriend has friends, co workers, maybe brothers, cousins, etc. Don't let your pain and embarrassment at being single cut you off from a friendship if it's still otherwise good. Good friends are hard to come by in this life. Your job now is to be single, for whatever reason. So learn what you can from it and use it as an opportunity to grow. It would be a shame for you not to have gotten all there is to get out of being single when Mr. Right finally does come along.

Laylah 12-03-2007 06:19 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3334251] It would be a shame for you not to have gotten all there is to get out of being single when Mr. Right finally does come along.[/QUOTE]

Those sounds like very wise words to me Larrylou'smom. I sometimes wonder what I've missed out on, having not been single all these years.

xanadu2 12-06-2007 11:13 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Hi Folks! :wave:

I never guessed what a torrent of responses I would get, even though we did all shoot off at a tangent, me included!

Here is why I think my theory is correct. It’s the way everything hangs together.

My parents gave me the idea that family life is always full of bad stuff, but in ‘happy’ families you must never acknowledge it, just suffer and pretend you are ‘happy’. I got peace and fulfilment escaping to shower love on my favourite horse in the riding school, but that wasn’t the first time in my life I’d found solace in nature. As a junior school child, I’d been bullied, but grew up fascinated by the wildlife on the walk to school and around my home. So I’ve always had the option of loving nature instead of seeking human relationships if I thought the relationships were likely to be dodgy.

Accordingly I grew up very doubtful about boyfriends and marriage, so had none while in this frame of mind, because they never approached me. (Age - teens to mid-twenties.)

Later on, disillusioned by contact with control freaks from the dating agency, I saw relationship as probably sources of trouble that put far too many restrictions on me, and no-one approached me. (Age mid–thirties to mid–forties.)

In between whiles. I was very happy and relaxed on walking holidays. On my third week of such a holiday, I attracted a boyfriend. However, it only lasted for the duration of the holiday. In my early thirties, after finishing with Whinging Pete (dating agency control freak) I was very relaxed and happy and soon attracted a boyfriend, A, for a few months. I was on Cloud 9 at these times. When else was I on Cloud 9 as opposed to normal enjoyment of life? I can’t remember. After all, I had my dad to put up with and where he left off, my subsequent landlady took over! (Shudders!!!) :mad:

In my late 20s I needed a boyfriend, and attracted one – another whinging control freak! I tried the dating agency, and finally attracted Whinging Pete. When A dropped me, I was heartbroken, so needy, and soon attracted another man. I appreciated him for being kind, but kept quiet about our incompatibility.

Later I figured I had a lovely life, travelling abroad every winter. My sex drive was dormant and a man would have been a mere accessory. So, not being needy, I didn’t attract anyone. I must have seen like a challenge to AZ, the ultra-charming sex offender who groomed women before striking! :mad:

While in trauma I was very needy but far too unhappy to attract anyone. B, who helped me heal, never met me in the flesh. He made me see relationships in a different light from before, as true friendship and companionship with a soulmate, instead of as a source of trouble and stress, so I became needy. When he turned out to be married, then later had to stop emailing me because he’d made his wife jealous, I was very needy indeed. Within a few months I met E, my only long-term boyfriend, I knew I had somehow made the relationship happen, but couldn’t figure out before what I’d done.

At first I was really in love with B, but seeking solace with E, who loved me more than I loved him. Gradually I became less needy, then E left me for the other woman.

I also see that five times in my life I’d found myself in a situation that represented imprisonment. On four occasions, breaking out of my prison put me in close contact with a man who seemed to be helping me, so I fell in love with him. However, he was not guaranteed to respond!

The fifth time I was suffering from environmental depression where I was forced to live before, and E was my boyfriend at the time. He suggested where I might like to move to, but I escaped due to inheriting money, to independent freedom living here. :angel:

As I’ve got older the deep caution I felt about relationships because of my parents’ attitudes receded, to become replaced by greater knowledge of divorce rates, marital violence, and the like, so the caution is still there. I am very wary now, because my lovely home in the hills would be in jeopardy if I married without the right legal safeguards in case of divorce. I will never leave this beloved place while there is breath in my body, and that comes before any relationship! :angel:

I ask myself, was I happier with E while I lived in a hateful place, or (after the initial upset) happier here without a man, and the answer is definitely that I am happier here.
(I have heard this misconstrued as ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’, which misses the point completely!)

Over the years I have come to associate the right degree of neediness with deep unhappiness, so don’t know how to make myself needy enough to attract anyone without sabotaging my present happiness!

I could elaborate on this, but that’s enough for now!

Larrylou'smom 12-07-2007 11:15 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Well, Xanadu, I think we all have our own ideas about what exactly constitutes "neediness." I mean, if no one ever needed sex, love, acceptance, comfort and companionship, none of us would be here!! The need for love, intimacy, sex, companionship, is why we have families, and why we are all here. Families aren't always a bad thing, and marriage isn't always a bad thing.

I think it's normal, even healthy, to acknowledge our humanity and admit that we all need acceptance, companionship, love, sex, intimacy, etc. to some degree. It's only human. I think it crosses over into neediness when your peace of mind and happiness is so contingent on having a warm body, any old warm body, next to you that you will sacrifice your self esteem, self respect, dignity, finances, etc. and let another person take a dump all over you just so you can say "I have someone." I'll never be that needy, either.

But I dont' think it's neediness that attracts the opposite sex, in fact just the opposite. I've heard a lot of men say what attracted them to their partner was her independence, her confidence, her strength, etc.

I think you're in the lucky and enviable position to have filled up your life so full of things you love that there just isn't room in it for a romantic partner. That you've found things that feel better to you than sex, than love, than a loving hand to hold, loving eyes smiling into yours, etc. I still cant' imagine what the world might have to offer me that would feel anywhere near as good as all the aforementioned. I suppose I will just have to keep searching. I do also still think, though, that our own personal biology also affects how we each deal with it.

xanadu2 12-07-2007 03:38 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3340550]Well, Xanadu, I think we all have our own ideas about what exactly constitutes "neediness." I mean, if no one ever needed sex, love, acceptance, comfort and companionship, none of us would be here!! The need for love, intimacy, sex, companionship, is why we have families, and why we are all here. Families aren't always a bad thing, and marriage isn't always a bad thing.

[/QUOTE]

Hi LLM, :wave:

I think we probably have different definitions of what constitutes neediness.

However I have lived with a total mystery for the whole of my adult life, and finally I have a theory where all the pieces fit together. So I like it. :angel:


Instead of having to live alone because I have no acceptable choice, I do have a choice. The only thing is, I don't know how to need someone enough for him to become aware of it without making myself miserable.


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