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-   -   Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/553090-long-term-single-i-ve-found-answer.html)

pendulum 11-15-2007 05:37 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3308658]sounds like more PROJECTION from someone who thinks THEY THEMSELF need a man......
:rolleyes:
please don't tell everyone else that they aren't happy without a man.....that's just nonsense......
maybe YOU'RE not happy without a man......I'm just fine, as I'm sure many people are......
did you ever see the t-shirt "a woman needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle"[/QUOTE]

It is not for me to say, but maybe that's indeed a projection. But also it could be the experience of her life. I agree you should never generalize, but if you have had a few good experiences with something, it is often hard to resist the temptation to spread it.

Anyway, what if talked in terms of statistics? [U]Most[/U] people want to have partners for life. That is a fact, even in our present high-tech century. It is true that many people can't find one and therefore remain alone. But I firmly believe that most loners are loners mostly because, having had an early huge amorous disappointment, they have given up looking for someone. They are afraid of suffering again, which is understandable. But before you scold me for this, I will agree that a few people choose to be loners not because of any previous disappointments, but because romantic love has no meaning to them. However, they are very few, in my opinion, less than 10%, I would say.

By the way, I don't find the t-shirt text amusing. It is even slightly offensive to men, or poor-spirited, if I may say so. I personally would have difficulty approaching a woman wearing it, even if I meant to simply ask for information. Ok, at least you can say it is effective like a shield. ;)

lb07maricopa 11-15-2007 06:13 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
sorry rosequartz; i thought i might get a few unpleasant responses:D
i appologize for telling everyone they need a man; and you are correct, i guess i am projecting, cause i do need a man. And, to be very honest, i love men. i hate what men do; but im being biased cause im sure women do horrible things too...although not as bad as big mean men,...but this is all in my own broken, over-emotional little brain.
Ive never had a relationship that was like a drug or super romantic and ga-ga and all of that stuff, im not the romantic type at all and i can do without the flowers and cards and little notes. But i do know, that i would not be able to be without a man because i need that feeling of security; someone to share my heart and my most intimate thoughts with; to talk about my dreams and fantasies with; stuff that i know nobody else would really care to listen to. No, have never had a friend close enough to share really intimate stuff with that didnt judge or criticize me. parents, well, mine talk about themselves and siblings, they have their own stuff to talk about.

anyway, again, Im sorry if i offended anyone and, i appreciate all the responses and opinions to my two cents ;)
lb

xanadu2 11-15-2007 07:36 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
Hi Folks,

Keeping up with what I've started is a full-time business! :)

I'm still trying to explain why I've come to the conclusion that maybe I don't find a man because I'm not as needy as I'm supposed to be.

I thought I should tell you how life developed before I post what I’ve written about never having children. (Second thought – since I can’t discuss anything without telling a story, this does get long! Instalments are better. But the discovery of repeating themes throughout my life has me fascinated!)

First, my love for the horse. A similar issue is busily being debated in another thread where the OP has a boyfriend who expects her to give up her cats. The ‘humans-are-better-than-animals’ brigade got to work on me, which made me feel very depressed, but I stuck to my guns. In time I discovered that my beliefs about animal personality and intelligence have strong scientific backing so I could confidently hang onto them.

The horse gave me an outlet for a lot of loving feelings, which I certainly had no other way of expressing. Since I was brainwashed with the idea that I lived in a ‘happy family’ with a ‘good’ husband/father, how could I make the leap into wanting a boyfriend to satisfy the urges I was supposed to have when I didn’t know what suffering I might be letting myself in for?

In time I actually managed to wear my father down so I could buy the horse. People started up: ‘When you get married you’ll have to sell that horse, because you won’t have enough money!’ That turned the thought of a husband into a threat!

Apart from overcoming fear as I became a progressively better rider, the horse enabled me to learn three life lessons. First, abuse, harassment, and bullying as a child had left me very shy. When people approached me because of a shared love of horses I overcame my shyness. Second, horses are expensive, so I learned to budget money so I always have enough for what I need most, so I’ve never been in debt and manage money well to this day. Thirdly, having no spare cash meant I resisted the teenage pressure to start smoking, so I have better health.

So I didn’t care about having no boyfriends until my mid-twenties, when my young brother got married and I felt lonely and left-out. I guess I met the one boyfriend of my twenties because I was so happy on a walking holiday that my normal caution took a back seat. In one week he encouraged me to take up hill walking, a passion I have to this day except that I am now obliged to rely on a little motorbike instead of knees that eventually wore out. The relationship lasted for a couple of letters after our return home, then he wrote to me politely to drop me.

A boy at the social club at home looked like him. I gained his attention and he asked me for a couple of dates! But I was still too shy to let him know he wasn’t wasting his time with me, so I lost him. After all, even though I thought I wanted a boyfriend by now, I was looking at men warily instead of with underlying eagerness, so they had no way of knowing if I really liked them or not. That, I realise, is the repeating theme. Don’t look at a man with brief eye contact, thinking: ‘Is he as nice as he seems, or is he really a wolf in sheep’s clothing?’

Enough for now.

jennie250 11-15-2007 08:04 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
I don't have time to post much right now and have only skimmed the posts, but I have to disagree with the statement that you can't be happy alone. I think you can. I know I was. By alone are we meaning single? I think you can be very happy single. But the thing is, I was never alone, as I've always had friends to lean on, family, work aquaitances, my pets etc. I think not all people are meant to have " life partners', and should do other things. Also, sometimes your partner comes along later in life, my dad didn't meet his until he was in his 60's. The woman he married was single her whole life, had boyfriends here and there, but never found anyone she said was worth marrying and living with. So she didn't, she choice to stay on her own. She always has told me if she had " settled' she would have missed out on my dad. We have had long talks about this, and she had a great life. So settling just to have someone is never a good idea. As far as the having children thing, I know many people who don't have children and live full lives, having children doesn't equal happines. I think that is a personal choice and there is no right or wrong. If someone doesn't want children, good for them for admitting it and not having them!

One other quick thing, is there is nothing lonelier in this world than being in a bad relationship. I have been in a bad marriage before, and I have never felt more alone than I was in that marriage. Being single was much more fullfilling than being in a bad marriage.

Lance0204 11-15-2007 08:57 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=lb07maricopa;3308892]but im being biased cause im sure women do horrible things too...although not as bad as big mean men[/QUOTE]
oh yes they do!! you're just not aware because you may not have enough guy friends confiding in you about their experiences or...obviously because you've not been dating women..:D i can tell you that in my limited experiences, no one act is gender specific. men and women are from the same species although a lot of the times it doesn't seem like it..:D

btw, i do think that we ALL would be happier with someone..err..the RIGHT person that is a 100% match. my problem with this is the hassle in getting to this point (all the horrible dates, pressure from relatives just because you're single, etc.). that's what i'm weary of. the way i see it, being in a successful relationship will make you 10 times happier but what's wrong with being just happy?? i'm not sure chasing people down and constantly putting yourself out there for the sake of meeting people is worth it. its a tiring process. so, what do you do?? do you make the best of what you have, and being thankful for all your blessings or do you continue to chase and constantly remind yourself that you're "incomplete"??? what are you supposed to do about it?? you've already done all the dating and trying and trying and trying, so now what?? i have a sneaky suspicion that that's all the OP is getting at.

the fact is, we're all here in our cosey apts/houses/whatever typing away on computers living healthy lives while there are tons of people that actually have to choose between food and shelter; others plagued with illnesses and we're complaining about being single or being "complete" whatever the heck that is...are you kidding?? we would have lived great lives now even if we never cuddle up with another person. right now i'm getting PAID to do what i was doing as a hobby not too long ago; i have my passions and a talent for a particular sport right now (yes i win medals too!!), i have my health as i haven't even had as much as a cold in years!! what does it matter that i go on a few too many bad dates and am still single..so what!?!?! we ARE blessed people!!

amy2705 11-15-2007 10:11 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
Hey Pendulum,

Have you read Plato's "Symposium"? Check out the part by Aristophanes. I think you'll like it. It's pretty much the same idea as the song you're talking about ... but a lot older (and greek). The book is by Plato but he's just recounting a conversation about love that took place between a bunch of philosophers. When Aristophanes talks about his theory to explain love, he says that people were originally "whole" but that as a punishment (by the Gods) they were split apart. The punishment was that the incomplete halves now wonder through life looking for their missing half. The idea is that "love" is when you find your missing half and become whole.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent ... but your post made me think of it and I thought you might find it interesting.

pendulum 11-15-2007 11:39 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=lb07maricopa;3308892]sorry rosequartz; i thought i might get a few unpleasant responses:D
i appologize for telling everyone they need a man; and you are correct, i guess i am projecting, cause i do need a man. And, to be very honest, i love men. i hate what men do; but im being biased cause im sure women do horrible things too...although not as bad as big mean men,...but this is all in my own broken, over-emotional little brain.
Ive never had a relationship that was like a drug or super romantic and ga-ga and all of that stuff, im not the romantic type at all and i can do without the flowers and cards and little notes. But i do know, that i would not be able to be without a man because i need that feeling of security; someone to share my heart and my most intimate thoughts with; to talk about my dreams and fantasies with; stuff that i know nobody else would really care to listen to. No, have never had a friend close enough to share really intimate stuff with that didnt judge or criticize me. parents, well, mine talk about themselves and siblings, they have their own stuff to talk about.

anyway, again, Im sorry if i offended anyone and, i appreciate all the responses and opinions to my two cents ;)
lb[/QUOTE]

Lb

You are absolutely normal. :)

Pend

pendulum 11-15-2007 11:48 PM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3309195]Hey Pendulum,

Have you read Plato's "Symposium"? Check out the part by Aristophanes. I think you'll like it. It's pretty much the same idea as the song you're talking about ... but a lot older (and greek). The book is by Plato but he's just recounting a conversation about love that took place between a bunch of philosophers. When Aristophanes talks about his theory to explain love, he says that people were originally "whole" but that as a punishment (by the Gods) they were split apart. The punishment was that the incomplete halves now wonder through life looking for their missing half. The idea is that "love" is when you find your missing half and become whole.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent ... but your post made me think of it and I thought you might find it interesting.[/QUOTE]

Hi Amy

Yes, I read that dialogue many years ago. While I was typing here, I was reminded of it a few times. I knew that was one of my sources and I even thought about mentioning Plato, but somehow I dropped the idea, maybe because I feared I would sound pedantic. Anyway, that was a good observation of yours. Thanks.

Pend

xanadu2 11-16-2007 02:37 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
Hi Folks,

Plainly I've started a hot topic and every time I revisit the board, there are fresh posts to study! :)

Meanwhile, I always have my best thoughts first thing in the morning. It seems to me that by discussing a fundamental level of need, maybe we are debating the degree to which people need relationships in a perfect world, so the issue has gone off at a tangent from what I was originally trying to explore. Of course in a perfect world Iíd feel a loving arm around my shoulders while my soulmate and I drank in every stupendous view together. I guess my early experience of the Ďhappyí family, full of abuse, taught me hard facts early on about never, never living in a perfect world!

So my life choices have been:

Either attaining peace and profound joy through the many wonderful aspects of Nature. :angel:

Or, surrendering to popular opinion to turn my back on them to a greater or lesser degree for the sake of a dubious relationship, which could well turn out to be seriously flawed. Iím in the process of discovering why available relationships always seem to be seriously flawed or very risky, to the point where I very seldom fall in love.

I think most people here have no doubt at all that the single state unquestionably wins hands down over a bad relationship.

xanadu2 11-16-2007 03:11 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Lance0204;3309119]

i'm not sure chasing people down and constantly putting yourself out there for the sake of meeting people is worth it. its a tiring process. so, what do you do?? do you make the best of what you have, and being thankful for all your blessings or do you continue to chase and constantly remind yourself that you're "incomplete"??? what are you supposed to do about it?? you've already done all the dating and trying and trying and trying, so now what?? i have a sneaky suspicion that that's all the OP is getting at.

the fact is, we're all here in our cosey apts/houses/whatever typing away on computers living healthy lives while there are tons of people that actually have to choose between food and shelter; others plagued with illnesses and we're complaining about being single or being "complete" whatever the heck that is...are you kidding?? we would have lived great lives now even if we never cuddle up with another person. right now i'm getting PAID to do what i was doing as a hobby not too long ago; i have my passions and a talent for a particular sport right now (yes i win medals too!!), i have my health as i haven't even had as much as a cold in years!! what does it matter that i go on a few too many bad dates and am still single..so what!?!?! we ARE blessed people!![/QUOTE]


Lance, you are so right!

My passion for nature has taken me to a country where one young girl out of fifty falls prey to the horrors of sex trafficking, with imprisonment, torture until she submits, countless rapes, primitive forced abortions, AIDS, abandonment, ostracization, and death before sheís thirty! The very day I achieved my ambition of a residentís permit so I could study the abundant bird life to my heartís content, I actually rode to the jungle on a bus next to a girl who was unaware that she was almost certainly going to such a fate! Thoughts of that little girl haunted me until I became a campaigner against sex trafficking and achieved some international recognition for my work.

Aside from that, my bird-watching travels in the mountains brought me into contact with many a friendly third-world villager who gave me hospitality. How many times have I discovered that even an egg, or sugar in your tea, was an unaffordable luxury! Yet these people seemed to me to have found their own kind of happiness and made me rethink many western values.

Certainly this has played a major part in making me feel how blessed I am in my safe home in the hills and pushed the lack of a mate into the background. Everything is relative!

pendulum 11-16-2007 03:17 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=pendulum;3309273]Hi Amy

Yes, I read that dialogue many years ago. While I was typing here, I was reminded of it a few times. I knew that was one of my sources and I even thought about mentioning Plato, but somehow I dropped the idea, maybe because I feared I would sound pedantic. Anyway, that was a good observation of yours. Thanks.

Pend[/QUOTE]

Hi Amy again

I have got to add a couple of things. First, I don't think you are a pedant just because you mentioned Plato. Actually, the fact that you mentioned him was a relief to me: it showed that my fears were unfounded.

Second, I seem to lean towards Reich rather than towards Plato. I believe we all have an orgamisc potential to realize. You can realize it through various ways that do not include sex (sublimation), but the best way of doing it is plain to see (we need a partner). I am not sure if this has to do with love... Actually, I don't even know what love is all about. Perhaps love is only about idealization.

Pend

brook65 11-16-2007 04:23 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3309341]Hi Folks,

So my life choices have been:

Either attaining peace and profound joy through the many wonderful aspects of Nature. :angel:

Or, surrendering to popular opinion to turn my back on them to a greater or lesser degree for the sake of a dubious relationship, which could well turn out to be seriously flawed. Iím in the process of discovering why available relationships always seem to be seriously flawed or very risky, to the point where I very seldom fall in love.

I think most people here have no doubt at all that the single state unquestionably wins hands down over a bad relationship.[/QUOTE]


Hi Xanadu

Your living proof that we as humans can be happy in singlehood, I know when I left my last partner to be single (not alone) I was much happier that way, then I ever was in that relationship.

Your life sounds spiritual and happy, and I only wonder if one of the reasons you question being single at your age is probably down to peoples opinion in everyday life. You are alone as in not in a romantic relationship, but your not lonely.

I agree with the poster who says that love can come at any age aswell, my friends grandad is getting married to a lady he shares a carehome with - he's 82 and if you see them together they are like teenagers:D

Smartpants 11-16-2007 05:33 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
Wow, what a thread. I am one of those people that strongly believes I don't need a man to be complete/whole/happy. I've had this convesration with many people before and really have a problem when people tell me that one NEEDS a husband to be complete. I think that is ridiculous. Although I date and look for people to hang out with, I'm very clear that I'm not looking for a soulmate/husband/etc. I'm very independent, enjoy my time by myself and really can't imagine/don't think I would enjoy having someone around all the time (i.e being married or living together). As many others have already said, you should be happy and complete in yourself before you go looking for someone else. Expecting someone else to complete you is sad, I think.

Also, to the person who suggested my life (as a single) is 100 times less meaningful than that of someone married/with a family, I strongly disagree again! And agree with the poster who followed your post saying that is just insulting!!

I liked the quote someone posted, "better alone than badly accompanied." I see/hear about soooo many people in bad relationships, so if that is seeking "wholeness", ill stay un-whole!

bulletproof 11-16-2007 07:14 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
I never deny that I would like to have a boyfriend and ultimately someone that I'm with for life, if there is such a thing. But I value my own life enough that I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it. When I say choose to be happy, that means I have a choice in my speech and my actions how I portray myself to the world. It's been studied numerous times that if you smile when you feel bad, the emotions will follow the action. We do have control over how we feel, even though it is not an easy thing to achieve.

I agree with the poster who said that we should all be grateful for what we have right now. It's taken for granted, particularly in a country like the US where everything is in such abundance. People who are worried about where their next meal is coming from don't sit around and moan about whether they're single. When we focus on what we don't have, we are never happy. And I don't think it's because I was born with some special resilience- it's the way I've chosen to live because I tried the wallowing bit, and it doesn't work out all that well.

Larrylou'smom 11-16-2007 07:34 AM

Re: Long-term single Ė Iíve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Smartpants;3309411]Also, to the person who suggested my life (as a single) is 100 times less meaningful than that of someone married/with a family, I strongly disagree again! And agree with the poster who followed your post saying that is just insulting!!

[/QUOTE]

Again, you misunderstood me, as seems to always happen. I am always being misunderstood, which is one of the greatest frustrations that comes from being and feeling so alone, is never having anyone ever understand what I'm trying to say, which can make you feel more isolated than you can ever possibly imagine.

What my point was, was that of course I think your life has just as much meaning as you think and choose to believe it does, and it's all relative. I didn't say that *I* feel that if you aren't married, your life has no meaning. I said society has a large tendancy to put more meaning on the lives of people who have families who depend on them than they do on the lives of people who are alone and have no one who waits at home for them. Then I gave that survey from Psychology Today as evidence, but that was ignored.

I think we all have the tendancy to categorize and judge. Working moms tend to think stay at home moms aren't as ambitious or smart, and stay at home moms tend to think working moms aren't as devoted to their kids. This of course is a sweeping generalization, but generally speaking, and we must speak in generalizations since we don't share common experiences, the feud between working moms and stay at home moms goes on. I say this mainly because of a Dr. Phil episode I saw last year on the topic, and how particularly mean spirited the stay at home moms, one especially, seemed toward the working moms. She doesn't represent every stay at home mom of course, she's probably not even in the majority, but I don't think she's the only one, either.

I think it all comes down to how you feel and where you place your priorities. I have always said, many times on these boards and continue to say, alone sucks, but bad company is worse. This is a more coloquial way of stating the thought you liked so much. I far prefer being single to being badly mated. But I think it's an individual thing, and all I'm saying is I don't like to see people who ache to love someone being treated as though they have some kind of disease. If you love being single, if you're happy being single, I think that's totally great!! It's wonderful. But if someone else can't seem to find that happiness alone, I don't think they should be treated like they are flawed or dysfunctional, that's really all I'm saying. There are two sides to the coin. Speaking strictly for myself, I've had no one to talk to when I was feeling down and had to keep it all inside, and I've had someone to talk to when I was hurt or down who lifted my spirits, I've gone to bed alone, and I've gone to bed wrapped in the arms of someone I loved very much. I've been so sexually frustrated it literally, physically hurts, and I've had someone to kiss and hold. I've watched a beautiful sunset alone, and I've watched a beautiful sunset holding the hand of a sweet man I loved. I've taken walks, seen movies, concerts and plays alone, and with a best friend that I had stimulating interesting conversations with afterward. I've sat on the couch and watched tv and eaten dinner alone, and I've cuddled on the couch and eaten dinner with someone who warmed my heart and soul and curled my toes. All I'm saying is, for me, the second ones were sooooooooooooooo much better. There's really nothing that I could do or have done, no traveling I have done, no accomplishments, achievements that I have made alone that have given me anywhere near the peace, satisfaction, or, forgive me, "'wholeness" as just being with someone who gets me, who I can really talk to and who I love and I believed loved me. That's just me. If it's not you, more power to you, but that is just me, not because that's who I've chosen to be, but because that's just me. Please don't stone me for that.


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