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dma11663 11-16-2007 07:47 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
I truly believe that Everyone one of us wants a special someone in our life. To deny that is being untruthful to ourselves. We don't need husband/wives. However, it is so nice to meet a special someone to share things with. Not live with, not do everything with. It is only humanly natural to want that closeness with someone.........special of course.

I'm sorry.......human nature. That is how it is. I will probably get clubbed by many for this but it is natural for men and women to want a special person to do/share things with. Not marriage or living together...just closeness.

bulletproof 11-16-2007 07:55 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
I don't see why you would get clubbed for saying that we want someone in our lives. Nothing wrong with that. I just refuse to let that want dictate whether or not I'm going to be happy on a daily basis. I believe that humans are social creatures (pack animals) so I think this also applies to needing companionship of the non-romantic sort, also, which a lot of lonely people think a mate will fulfill. Balance is important in life.

Larrylou'smom 11-16-2007 08:16 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=dma11663;3309647]I truly believe that Everyone one of us wants a special someone in our life. To deny that is being untruthful to ourselves. We don't need husband/wives. However, it is so nice to meet a special someone to share things with. Not live with, not do everything with. It is only humanly natural to want that closeness with someone.........special of course.

I'm sorry.......human nature. That is how it is. I will probably get clubbed by many for this but it is natural for men and women to want a special person to do/share things with. Not marriage or living together...just closeness.[/QUOTE]

I think there's a lot of evidence to support this as well. I know how you feel, though, I feel a bit "clubbed" too for simply saying I need someone. It seems to be very politically incorrect these days to say you need someone special in your life. I can see how some people wouldn't want to live with someone, how they would like their space and to do things the way they want to do them in their own house but to have one special person to share with. Of course, I'm old fashioned in that respect and I still believe in marriage, so that would be an ideal for me.

Of course you can't expect that one person to be your end all and be all. That's the best way in the world to chase them off for good!! You don't want to make them solely responsible for all your security and happiness. But I agree, I think everyone with a heart and who's honest will admit that there's a kind of a hole, how big depends on how sentimental and sensitive and quixotic a person you are, but a hole that can only be filled by a romantic, love relationship with one special person you can call yours. Just my opinion. Of course you do your best to find the happiness that every day affords you, no matter what form it takes. Happiness can be where you find it, or even where you make it. It just gets harder as you get older. I was actually pretty good at it when I was in my 20s, Then after my break up in my 30s, it was harder, but I still was reallya ble to find bliss and rejoice in the good times life brought. But when I found out my ex had married and who he married, I think that's when something kind of broke in me that I haven't really been able to fix. And being over 40 now and not having very good experiences romantically since then, it's become increasingly difficult to care about a life that doesn't include love. It's much more of a challenge, as I think happens sometimes with some people, under certain circumstances.

dma11663 11-16-2007 08:22 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
yes...I agree LarryLou's Mom. I think everyone of us deep down inside wants a special someone. That said...I also agree that you need balance. You need to compliment each other and that doesn't mean not having your space or own life. It could be great. There are many of us that enjoy our friend time, family time, etc. that combined with a special someone........to be close/intimate with and experience things with would be grand.

A hole is the right way to describe it. No matter how happy you are with yourself...or how much you love yourself..there is something missing a bit.

amy2705 11-16-2007 08:52 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3309548] I said society has a large tendancy to put more meaning on the lives of people who have families who depend on them than they do on the lives of people who are alone and have no one who waits at home for them. [/QUOTE]

I think that is so true. I remember years ago I had a job and I was leaving to go back to school and was in the process of training the new person. She'd been there about 6 weeks when the holiday bonuses came in. Imagine my utter shock when she got a bigger holiday bonus! I'd worked my butt off and they'd asked me to stay, etc. So I asked whether they were unhappy with my work, etc? How else to explain why my replacement who'd been there 6 weeks was getting a better bonus? Here's the answer I got: she's got a family and you're a single. That made me feel pretty special! The work I'd done didn't count. The time I put in didn't count. The results I got didn't count. She was rewarded by the company for having a family and not her work quality or time put in! I felt punished for being single. This is just one example, but it hurts when stuff like that plays out over and over. It's like a constant message saying "you'd be rewarded and valued more if you were married with kids." In a way, I think that for me personally, it made me more determined than ever to push back and demand to be valued for me and not judged according to marital / family status. Frankly, I feel discriminated against! And I think for me, it drives me to feel a bit of contempt toward the idea that you must have a partner. Like so many others have said - better single than miserably partnered. It really gets to me to think that at WORK, I would have gotten a better [U]professional [/U]reward if I'd been unhappily married! But then at my current job, loads of the women don't wear wedding/engagement rings out of fear that if they do they'll be held back (i.e. won't get brought into projects, promoted, etc ...) because there's an assumption you'll have kids and take mat leave! You never hear the professional women there talk about husbands or kids. Never. The general feeling there is that would be the professional kiss of death. Sorry for ranting ... it just seems like there is really no winning for women when it comes to social expectations re. marriage/kids! But my point was really that I agree with you - a lot of the time I feel like there's this message that you're worth less if you're single than if you're married. In the news, for example, if there's an accident, it's always presented as more tragic if a wife or mother is hurt/killed. You never see a headline that says "Single woman with no husband or kids killed" -- it seems like the tragedy there would be that the person died before having a husband/kids ... not the actual loss of their life. I think I'll stop before I get even more worked up about this!

brook65 11-16-2007 09:01 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3309752] a lot of the time I feel like there's this message that you're worth less if you're single than if you're married. In the news, for example, if there's an accident, it's always presented as more tragic if a wife or mother is hurt/killed. You never see a headline that says "Single woman with no husband or kids killed" -- it seems like the tragedy there would be that the person died before having a husband/kids ... not the actual loss of their life. /QUOTE]


I don't really know about that way of thinking, cause remember every human being that tracically loses their life - is infact someones child, someones flesh and blood, someones baby:(.

What about children and teenagers that tragically lose their life? their not married, also what about young adults who are yet to marry and have familys? where's the cut off point to where people can think that it is less tragic if someone is killed who is single and doesn't have children.

I think looking at it this way, makes us see that 'every' death is seen as tragic and a waste of a life

dma11663 11-16-2007 09:09 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Loss of life is tragic...that would be more so. If they happened to be married with children then it would be a double and triple tragedy....first for the loss of life, then for the loss of the spouse and mother.

Society sees things a certain way. Each one of us is individual. Our needs are different. However, we are all human.....human contact/closeness is just natural. I believe this is true for all of us. Whether or not we want to be married/living with spending a lot of time with the significant other is our choice. However, what do we do. Go out, have meaningless sex, release and move on to be loners? I don't think that is what will give us happiness. I'm sorry, I just don't. Something of substance goes further. Something with real meaning lasts longer and gives us happiness.

Larrylou'smom 11-16-2007 09:20 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Thanks Amy, yeah, that stinks. I recently read an article about how more and more companies are becoming more "family friendly" and doing just what that company did to you, giving perks, more time off, bigger bonuses, to people who are married or have families, sometimes to the exclusion or detriment of the single childless people.

I just recall one news story I saw recently about a woman who died in a car accident, and the news made such abig deal over the fact that she had just gotten married. They interviewed her new groom, his family, her friends and how she was so excited to start on this new life, and how she was so excited to be a wife and now she'll never get to be one, etc. They just really played up the angle that her death was so tragic because she had just gotten married. Trust me people, it's not just in my head, that attitude is out there. You have to really focus to turn a blind eye to it, especially if you're the kind of woman whose uterus skips a beat every time you see a baby, like mine does.

amy2705 11-16-2007 09:24 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3309776][QUOTE=amy2705;3309752] a lot of the time I feel like there's this message that you're worth less if you're single than if you're married. In the news, for example, if there's an accident, it's always presented as more tragic if a wife or mother is hurt/killed. You never see a headline that says "Single woman with no husband or kids killed" -- it seems like the tragedy there would be that the person died before having a husband/kids ... not the actual loss of their life. /QUOTE]


I don't really know about that way of thinking, cause remember every human being that tracically loses their life - is infact someones child, someones flesh and blood, someones baby:(.

What about children and teenagers that tragically lose their life? their not married, also what about young adults who are yet to marry and have familys? where's the cut off point to where people can think that it is less tragic if someone is killed who is single and doesn't have children.

I think looking at it this way, makes us see that 'every' death is seen as tragic and a waste of a life[/QUOTE]

I agree. I don't think that society ought to hold the view that one loss is more or less tragic than another. I was just observing that in my experience, there is a pretty constant message that you're not as important or as valued if you're single.

pendulum 11-16-2007 09:52 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=amy2705;3309826][QUOTE=brook65;3309776]

I agree. I don't think that society ought to hold the view that one loss is more or less tragic than another. I was just observing that in my experience, there is a pretty constant message that you're not as important or as valued if you're single.[/QUOTE]

Yes, that's true. Indeed celibacy is only valued or required in certain religions. But not every religion demands celibacy. If you want to become a rabbi (Judaism), you must be married and have at least three or four children. The rationale being that a married person will have to go through hardships that a single one or a celibate will never know.

Anyway, I am beginning to view this whole subject from the gender perspective. Correct me, if I am wrong. By the way, it seems that I am the only man left taking part on this thread. Somehow I feel inadequate, like before. But let me go on...

When you hear a lady saying that she doesn't need a man or a partner to be happy or to be whole, you're apt to look up to her in admiration: "Wow, that's a woman of character. She is strong. She is independent." Maybe someone will think that she is somewhat bitter, but in general the feeling is of approval or admiration. Now, if a man comes to the spotlight and says "I can live alone. I don't need a woman... etc, etc", it's quite a different effect. First, the feeling is that he is a liar. Then, he might be gay, or not? Or worst, a womanizer? It is rarely a positive feeling, not even from other men.

So the bottomline is: only a man (Jobim, Pendulum, etc) is expected to say that it is impossible to be happy alone. For a woman, there are different factors at stake, and happiness for her is a more complex object.

brook65 11-16-2007 10:07 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Pend - don't know what happened there:confused: they are Amys words you quoted, not Mine:confused:

pendulum 11-16-2007 10:29 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3309894]Pend - don't know what happened there:confused: they are Amys words you quoted, not Mine:confused:[/QUOTE]

Oh, sorry. What a mess did I make? Did I hurt anyone? I hope not. :)

bulletproof 11-16-2007 11:12 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
I think it's sad that this is now turning into a massive generalization about how single people are put-upon by society and the media. That's not based in fact. The examples cited here are noticed because those watching are more sensitive to this and looking for it. I can name equally as many counter-examples of how married people, and people with children (some of whom are also single), get the shaft at work and by stereotyping media.

The fact is that your life is what it is, make the best of it, and don't be a victim. Learn to appreciate what you have. Want a mate if that's what you want, but stop saying that people who don't are just in denial or lying. And I am saying this from the perspective of someone who *does* want to be with someone.

brook65 11-16-2007 11:45 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=bulletproof;3309991

The fact is that your life is what it is, make the best of it, and don't be a victim. Learn to appreciate what you have. Want a mate if that's what you want, but stop saying that people who don't are just in denial or lying. And I am saying this from the perspective of someone who *does* want to be with someone.[/QUOTE]

I agree, it's about having an open mind about other peoples true choices, and what makes others happy:)

lostsoul12 11-16-2007 12:37 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
wow, what an interesting thread ;)

well I don't have much to say but have been browsing a lot on this topic
Larrylou'smom I have paid close attention to everything you have posted and like always I agree with you more than 100% your words always touch my soul and hit the real truth behind what I feel

For me, being single sucks. I hate it. Yeah it does have some advatages but the negative aspects for me over rule those. This cliches of "dicovering yourself, being around friends and family, volunteering, etc" can only go so far.

Eventually, the reality comes back when you come home at the end of the day to another empty home, emty bed, empty dining table, another meal all alone, living in four closed walls all alone and the only voice you hear is yours. Besides that even outside of the house I am flashed with being exposed to couples, hearing love songs on the radio/tv, watching mothers take there children to the park on a nice sunny day, work parties that I chose not to go to because everyone has a partner to take along with them, etc. This list can just go on forever. I guess some people are stronger and able to some how discover happiness being alone but I can't. All I discover is depression, exreme isolation,tears, day after day. ...and yes...Larrylou'smom everytime I see a baby, or even hear a baby's cry the same feeling happens to me...and at the end of that feeling I remember my singlehood, childless, loveless, marriageless, sexless status.


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