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-   -   Long-term single Ive found the answer! (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/553090-long-term-single-i-ve-found-answer.html)

bulletproof 11-16-2007 12:57 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
That is an extremely sad post, lostsoul. I can assure you, though, it's not about people being stronger or happier being single. It's about the fact that when I walk out the door, I see the whole picture. Yes, there are mothers taking their children to the park. There are also homeless people sitting on benches in that park. And plenty of single people, dating people, whomever. All in that same place. But you only choose to see what hurts you.

If you are describing your life as one of extreme isolation, then I would guess that you have no friends or family as well? I think you might be hurting yourself by making choices like skipping the work party because you would have to attend on your own. You don't have to go home to an empty house at night. You can go anywhere you want to and visit anyone you'd like. You can eat out, you can grab dinner on the run on your way to somewhere fun. This is what I mean by saying we choose our lives. You don't have to be in this much pain.

GypsyArcher 11-16-2007 01:05 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Yeah, if you are lonely why not go out?? I go out every single night of the week. And I am definetly a loner and always have been.

And please do forgive my ignorance, but I don't understand how it can be so hard to find a date/partner. Ever since I hit 18 and became open for business, so to speak, I've had an absolutely steady stream of boyfriends/affairs/flings. And often two or three at the same time. There are a lot of people out there!

dma11663 11-16-2007 01:17 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
In this day and age you need to be very careful about having free sex. There are so many diseases...you can die if you aren't careful. Why have flings......is that fulfilling? I mean.......being alone is one thing...what is the point. It may make sense to have a special someone in your life to "bond" with. Not meaning that you have to marry or live with but someone special to experience things with and have good memories with.

I agree to go out with friends, etc. Family is always nice to and try to be thankful for what you have now.....tomorrow it may be gone. However, this post was about someone being single and doing ok with it.....and realizing why. I still think it is that none of us want to be alone as to a partner. No matter how much togetherness or alone time we need...........we all need someone to love and be close with.

lb07maricopa 11-16-2007 01:23 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
There have been alot of interesting posts regarding this subject and i agreed with alot of what alot of what has been said.

Pend, what you said about the men and the whole part about 'i dont need a man to make me whole' i was thinking just that last night - interestingly, i thought exactly the same thing. men would never go around saying that.
i think its mainly because for so many centuries women have had to depend on men for their livelyhoods and now women dont need a man to survive, financially, and people dont need eachother to survive either; but we do need eachother as companions; like one post said; its human nature; that is how we are made.
whenever i read xanadu2's posts and her love of animals, it so touches my heart; i have always loved animals and nature; As a child and into my early 20's i loved horses and had a horse. i now have ****auas and am fascinated by them daily. I love wide open spaces and love to look at the sky and the trees and i love plants; just all of it. I hate what humanity has done to our earth; but such a hypocrite cause i enjoy the conveniences the distruction
has brought.
nevertheless, man needs more; we need our counterpart. we were alone for a long time at the beginning; but we were unhappy and unsatisfied with just the animals and nature, we needed a mate and so we got one :) ourselves, just the physical opposite.

i have 2 sisters and a bro. they have lived alone and they have been married with kids and alone without kids. Both my sisters have adamently stated that it is so nice to not have a man around to make them crazy and mostly when they were married, they complained and were unhappy. my bro, married, was cheated on, divorced and was a HORRIBLE mess. He remarried...going on 15 years now; He complains and so does his wife, they have problems; some of which i would not want to deal with. i also look at my parents who have been married for going on 50 years; theyve been miserable more than theyve been happy together.
In situations like these; i would so much rather be alone; than miserable; but i would be lonely. But, bullheaded as i am, i would continually feel, THERE HAS GOT TO BE somebody out there that can love me for who i am!! but, i also realized that if i could find somebody who could actually love me; i had to also somehow love back - does this makes sense.
To me...love, in a relationship absolutely needs - committment, honesty, patience, respect, careing)- Not necessarily in that order.
humility and affection are also important but not absolutely necessary if you have the others.

This is what i have in my marriage now of 12 years. My husband is not affectionate; I miss it, as i am a very affectionate person. but have learned to live without it; if i need it i give it to him or the doggies:). i love kissing but he doesnt; i have learned to do without it. or, the doggies run.:)
its a small price to pay for everything else i have and i am happier with him than i would be without him. he loves me for who and what i am and i love him for that. Is that selfish?

sorry this is so long and drawn out but i really am enjoying the views on this topic.

lb

jen52983 11-16-2007 01:37 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
I think the difference between a person who is single and happy and a person who is single and unhappy is priority.

Let's see if I can explain what I'm trying to say properly...

If you go through life searching for a life partner, seeing every man or woman as a potential spouse, that's a lot of pressure. That leads to dating the wrong people, which leads to unhappy relationships, which leads you to questions like "why can't I find the right person, why do I date such losers? Will I be alone forever?"

If you go through life one step at a time, making goals and working towards them, having fun, enjoying yourself, letting things happen on their own then you're more likely (in my experience) to enjoy your single life. If you make finding a partner sooo much more important than everything else in life, then ofcourse you'll be unhappy.

I'm probably not explaing my thought as best I could. I don't mean to offend anyone, or to imply that people with family at the top of their list are worse off or anything...

I don't think anyone would turn away a 100% garenteed chance at true love.. it's just that some of us place less emphasis on the need for that than others.. and those are the people that can be completely happy with their single status.

I hope this makes some sort of sense!!

xanadu2 11-16-2007 01:38 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Hi Folks,

Again I'm amazed at what I've started, and have some reading to catch up on! I've been thinking about my next post all day, but I don't doubt there are lots of other things to think about.

Meanwhile I noticed this , from LLM,


>>>
Again, you misunderstood me, as seems to always happen. I am always being misunderstood, which is one of the greatest frustrations that comes from being and feeling so alone, is never having anyone ever understand what I'm trying to say, which can make you feel more isolated than you can ever possibly imagine.

<<<

LLM, I know you and I have a different perspective on the lack of a relationship, yet I've found you are on my wavelength in so many things that I feel a particular affinity with you.

If, as I believe, I am actually in the process of discovering why I have been single all these years, it follows I have the power to change. I'm sure to post about any change on this board. I was just thinking today that the icing on the cake would be if I discover something that in some way benefits you because you discover some way to relate to it. I know it hasn't happened yet. I just think it's a lovely hope for the future, to think that I might come up with something that not only improves my own life but helps someone else as well. :angel:

rosequartz 11-16-2007 01:39 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=lb07maricopa;3310194]
i have 2 sisters and a bro. they have lived alone and they have been married with kids and alone without kids. Both my sisters have adamently stated that it is so nice to not have a man around to make them crazy and mostly when they were married, they complained and were unhappy. my bro, married, was cheated on, divorced and was a HORRIBLE mess. He remarried...going on 15 years now; He complains and so does his wife, they have problems; some of which i would not want to deal with. i also look at my parents who have been married for going on 50 years; theyve been miserable more than theyve been happy together.

This is what i have in my marriage now of 12 years. My husband is not affectionate; I miss it, as i am a very affectionate person. but have learned to live without it; if i need it i give it to him or the doggies:). i love kissing but he doesnt; i have learned to do without it. or, the doggies run.:)
its a small price to pay for everything else i have and i am happier with him than i would be without him. he loves me for who and what i am and i love him for that. Is that selfish?

sorry this is so long and drawn out but i really am enjoying the views on this topic.

lb[/QUOTE]

do you realize you've given 5 examples of relationships and all 5 are miserable?
2 sisters
1 brother
your parents
your own marriage

how many relationships do you know of where the people are genuinely HAPPY......not just content or settling.......actually happy?

why are people so upset that they don't have a partner to be miserable with?
I don't get it.....unless it's because maybe they think the grass is always greener?

bulletproof 11-16-2007 01:52 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=dma11663;3310184] I still think it is that none of us want to be alone as to a partner. No matter how much togetherness or alone time we need...........we all need someone to love and be close with.[/QUOTE]

I don't get it. Why is is so hard for you to believe that other people have different agendas and priorities? Nobody's saying that YOU shouldn't feel that you need someone to love and be close with. But I think it's sort of presumptuous to state what everyone needs. If someone prefers flings or multiple relationships, how is that any skin off your back? Live and let live.

pendulum 11-16-2007 02:08 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=bulletproof;3310237]I don't get it. Why is is so hard for you to believe that other people have different agendas and priorities? Nobody's saying that YOU shouldn't feel that you need someone to love and be close with. But I think it's sort of presumptuous to state what everyone needs. If someone prefers flings or multiple relationships, how is that any skin off your back? Live and let live.[/QUOTE]

Well, I'd venture to say that the basis of all this variety and multiple choices of lifestyle is democracy. No, I am not turning this debate upside down. But it really has to do with the kind of political society we live in. In traditional and primitive societies, to remain single, not to create a family, not to have kids of your own was possibly viewed as a curse, a shame, if not a disease.

Maybe we owe it all to the French Revolution. :) Voilà.

rosequartz 11-16-2007 02:10 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=bulletproof;3310237]I don't get it. Why is is so hard for you to believe that other people have different agendas and priorities? Nobody's saying that YOU shouldn't feel that you need someone to love and be close with. But I think it's sort of presumptuous to state what everyone needs. If someone prefers flings or multiple relationships, how is that any skin off your back? Live and let live.[/QUOTE]


yes really....it's like they keep trying to pound their point home that everyone wants/needs a partner......you know what? people's wants and needs change over time. I USED to be one of those people who always HAD to have a boyfriend/relationship. After some soul searching and reading, I discovered that I'm co-dependent. I'd like to suggest that all these people who NEED a partner may be co-dependent also. Now at this stage in my life, I don't NEED/WANT a relationship. maybe that will change in 10 years, but I'm getting awful tired of reading posts from people projecting onto everyone in the world, what THEY themselves want......

rosequartz 11-16-2007 02:11 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=pendulum;3310262]Well, I'd venture to say that the basis of all this variety and multiple choices of lifestyle is democracy. No, I am not turning this debate upside down. But it really has to do with the kind of political society we live in. In traditional and primitive societies, to remain single, not to create a family, not to have kids of your own was possibly viewed as a curse, a shame, if not a disease.

Maybe we owe it all to the French Revolution. :) Voil.[/QUOTE]

give me a break....do you know what is more of a curse or a shame or a disease? dysfunctional families/relationships breeding more dysfunction
:angel:

bulletproof 11-16-2007 02:16 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=pendulum;3310262]Well, I'd venture to say that the basis of all this variety and multiple choices of lifestyle is democracy. No, I am not turning this debate upside down. But it really has to do with the kind of political society we live in. In traditional and primitive societies, to remain single, not to create a family, not to have kids of your own was possibly viewed as a curse, a shame, if not a disease.

Maybe we owe it all to the French Revolution. :) Voil.[/QUOTE]

I guess that makes it even more irrelevant, considering we don't live in a primitive or that traditional society.

And in those societies you speak of, marriage was rarely if ever for love. It was for land, joining of families, and usually arranged. So, while some things change for the worse, some change for the better. Such is the cycle of life.

dma11663 11-16-2007 02:27 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Hi everyone,

It is an individual thing I guess. I am single,,,,not wanting marriage but eventually someone special to share things with.

Rose....why on another post are u fretting about staying with someone that you just starting seeing 3 weeks ago who lost his job, etc. I believe you came from another relationship (if that is what we are calling it) and jumped to him? You seem to always have someone........but say you don't need to be with anyone and you like being single. I am not meaning to be mean here by any stretch...just that ....it is my feeling and i am speaking for myself....that it is nicer to have someone in your life. Not necessarily for children or marriage....but for a bonding/connection.

rosequartz 11-16-2007 02:30 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=dma11663;3310296]Hi everyone,

It is an individual thing I guess. I am single,,,,not wanting marriage but eventually someone special to share things with.

Rose....why on another post are u fretting about staying with someone that you just starting seeing 3 weeks ago who lost his job, etc. I believe you came from another relationship (if that is what we are calling it) and jumped to him? You seem to always have someone........but say you don't need to be with anyone and you like being single. I am not meaning to be mean here by any stretch...just that ....it is my feeling and i am speaking for myself....that it is nicer to have someone in your life. Not necessarily for children or marriage....but for a bonding/connection.[/QUOTE]

uh....you better go check that post, that's not me you're quoting.....
I haven't had a relationship for 2 years
maybe you're thinking of gypsy archer???

pendulum 11-16-2007 02:35 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3310268]yes really....it's like they keep trying to pound their point home that everyone wants/needs a partner......you know what? people's wants and needs change over time. I USED to be one of those people who always HAD to have a boyfriend/relationship. After some soul searching and reading, I discovered that I'm co-dependent. I'd like to suggest that all these people who NEED a partner may be co-dependent also. Now at this stage in my life, I don't NEED/WANT a relationship. maybe that will change in 10 years, but I'm getting awful tired of reading posts from people projecting onto everyone in the world, what THEY themselves want......[/QUOTE]

Ok, this is fine. Maybe it's time for an overview. I'll state my case, if anyone is interested. For [U][B]me[/B][/U], it is important to always be in a relationship. [B][U]I[/U][/B] wouldn't be able to live alone. Happiness to [U][B]me[/B][/U] includes having a partner and a family, indeed that is the very kernel of [U][B]my[/B][/U] happiness. Partnerships, marriages, any kind of bonds include dissenssion and often doubts (what if I were alone, single, whatever?), but so far [B][U]I[/U][/B] have been able to make the other aspects of [U][B]my[/B][/U] relationship outweigh these. But that's [U][B]me[/B][/U]. This is [U][B]my[/B][/U] formula. If it is magical, I don't know. If other people identify with this, great. If not, it's great, too. As far as I am concerned, I am not trying to impose my thoughts. I am just speaking my piece.


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