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xanadu2 11-16-2007 06:10 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3309374]Hi Xanadu

Your living proof that we as humans can be happy in singlehood, I know when I left my last partner to be single (not alone) I was much happier that way, then I ever was in that relationship.

Your life sounds spiritual and happy, and I only wonder if one of the reasons you question being single at your age is probably down to peoples opinion in everyday life. You are alone as in not in a romantic relationship, but your not lonely.

I agree with the poster who says that love can come at any age as well,[/QUOTE]


Brooke,

This is an especially lovely post, and thank you very much! :angel:

I no longer suffer from that dreadful pressure to be one half of a couple, thank goodness. My motivation is partly that I had a long-term boyfriend (the only one ever) until he left me for another woman. I know from experience that any holes in my life caused by love are temporary. I have the lonely feelings, then come out on the other side where life is beautiful again, and since I came to live in the hills, the time I take to recover from bad stuff has grown very short indeed. However it happened quite recently.

The real reason I'm pursuing this is that all my life I’ve been making lemonade out of lemons because that’s been my only sensible option. To me personally, grieving over the fact that there is no partner to be had makes no more sense than settling for the wrong man. Please note, everyone, that I do not apply this judgement to anyone else, only to myself.

However I had this insight, and it fascinates me. I have always been mystified by the way men never think of looking for a relationship with me, even though on the face of it I do all the right things. If I can understand this, I feel a sense of elation at solving a huge mystery that had dogged the whole of my adult life. Once I thoroughly understand it, for the first time (apart from E the boyfriend who left me) I actually have a choice! :bouncing:

I may choose to be in a relationship. Or I may decide to continue voluntarily as I am now. (There is after all a lot at stake when you own a much-loved house that you can never possibly hope to replace in the event of divorce, and so much of your happiness is bound up with living in a certain place, not somewhere else.)

[quote=bulletproof;3309991

The fact is that your life is what it is, make the best of it, and don't be a victim. Learn to appreciate what you have. Want a mate if that's what you want, but stop saying that people who don't are just in denial or lying. And I am saying this from the perspective of someone who *does* want to be with someone.[/QUOTE]

I agree, it's about having an open mind about other peoples true choices, and what makes others happy
[/quote]

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!! :angel: Thank you very much! :angel:

NB, what did I do to make this post come out in bold type? No idea!

Larrylou'smom 11-16-2007 10:58 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3310553]
The real reason I'm pursuing this is that all my life I’ve been making lemonade out of lemons because that’s been my only sensible option. To me personally, grieving over the fact that there is no partner to be had makes no more sense than settling for the wrong man. Please note, everyone, that I do not apply this judgement to anyone else, only to myself.
[/QUOTE]

Well thank you very much for the non-judgmental tack of that!! And of course you're right from a logical standpoint. It doesn't make sense to mourn and grieve for something over which you have absolutely no control over whether you have it or not, but we do anyway. And maybe it is a choice. I think maybe it could be that I just don't WANT to choose to ignore how my arms crave to hold someone, how my body aches to be held by someone. I really don't want to choose to stifle or sublimate those cravings, I want to satisfy them!!! Stifling and sublimating just seems like such a downer I guess.

I wish I had something in my life that I loved as much as you love your lovely hills and nature. Something that I could look at and say "eh, I don't really need someone to love as long as I have this!!" Maybe someday I'll find something, God willing. But right now, it's pretty hard to imagine something I could love so much, that is so wonderful and amazing that it takes away my deep regret at failing to have earned the love of the man I loved, and the sorrow of never knowing love. I can really see how some people can get on with a life that doesn't include love, may never include love, and be just fine. I used to be one of those people. There was a time in my life when I was quite happy and content with my music, my work, my family, and whatever fun and happiness I could create for myself. I just can't seem to find my way back to being that kind of person again. I've become Julia Ormond in Legends Of The Fall, and right now, that's the only thing that makes sense to me, the only thing I can feel. Maybe it just takes a lot of time.

brook65 11-17-2007 03:46 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3310553]Brooke,

This is an especially lovely post, and thank you very much! :angel:

I no longer suffer from that dreadful pressure to be one half of a couple, thank goodness. My motivation is partly that I had a long-term boyfriend (the only one ever) until he left me for another woman. I know from experience that any holes in my life caused by love are temporary. I have the lonely feelings, then come out on the other side where life is beautiful again, and since I came to live in the hills, the time I take to recover from bad stuff has grown very short indeed. [/QUOTE]

Your welcome:angel:

Although I myself prefer and feel more happy being with someone, if I were without a signaficant other like yourself, I would hope to take some inspiration from your phylosophy of life.

It's about making something good out of what we have in life, and being happy in that.

Your lifestyle makes you sound like you are as free as the wind, the going out on your bike whenever it takes your fancy is funny, but in a nice way.:)

There are always going to be people that are better off or happier then ourselves, but there will always be others that are worse off also.

But the great thing is, you haven't given up on love it appears, just enjoying life and making the most of it until if and when it happens:angel:

xanadu2 11-19-2007 01:27 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3311533]Your welcome:angel:

Although I myself prefer and feel more happy being with someone, if I were without a signaficant other like yourself, I would hope to take some inspiration from your phylosophy of life.

It's about making something good out of what we have in life, and being happy in that.

Your lifestyle makes you sound like you are as free as the wind, the going out on your bike whenever it takes your fancy is funny, but in a nice way.:)

There are always going to be people that are better off or happier then ourselves, but there will always be others that are worse off also.

But the great thing is, you haven't given up on love it appears, just enjoying life and making the most of it until if and when it happens:angel:[/QUOTE]

Thanks again, folks!

LLM, it was thinking about you, as well as the number of times people have been wrong about me, that made me realise how wrong it is to generalise. Brook, that was a lovely post but I’m not quite sure what you mean about it being funny (in a nice kind of way) for me to jump on the little motorbike wherever I feel like it.

Pondering how some people cannot imagine being totally happy with no relationship, while others understand very well indeed, made me think of an analogy. Supposing I set love and relationships to one side for a moment and explain another issue to illustrate just how I feel about them?

As a hill-walker and lover of nature, my biggest ambition was to trek in the Himalayas. However my first trek was in the company of people whose main interest seemed to be boasting about their posh jobs and possessions. They said things like: ‘Oh, those big white things. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.’ So I was happier trekking independently as a paying guest in local houses, trying to speak the language of the kind people who gave me hospitality, and that has a lot to do with my non-materialistic sense of values.

People often think there is no greater blessing than good health. Since trekking became my ruling passion, I did twenty-four treks in the greatest mountains on earth, travelling for weeks away from the last road, where travel is only possible on foot. At that time it was the biggest thing in my life. So how very much did I value being a strong walker? But then my knees wore out and I found myself unable to walk on any kind of gradient at all! So I succumbed to depression, and the loss of the great snow peaks felt like grieving for a friend.

That’s how I felt while I lived in a town in flat country, but when I moved to the hills, I came out on the other side, because I could ride up and down the hills on my little motorbike, frequently keeping up with friends who are on the same wavelength compared with kindly peasants and much nicer to know than those well-off trekkers, sharing food and drink so it can be a very sociable activity.

I used to consciously enjoy the feel of my legs swinging along below my body. By contrast, needing a machine to get into the hills is unnatural. When I reached the Ridgeway the other day, the wonderful panorama of sunlit hills above the clouds would have been mere foothills if I’d been in Nepal. Frequently those foothills faded into a colour almost like that of the sky, while huge snow peaks could be seen glittering above this apparent horizon. This ethereal ‘floating-mountain’ look could last for days. So I could have reached the Ridgeway and thought: ‘No getting here by natural means. No Great Himalayas above the horizon. No good booking another trek in Nepal, next month, next year, never…’

I didn’t think like that at all. Actually, being on the Ridgeway was so magical I spontaneously burst into tears of joy! :angel: When I’d recovered from that I fell to gleefully thinking about something that is going to happen in the next few weeks. Now that I’m registered as disabled, the system is actually going to let me have a little car, brand new! :)

Non-materialistic person that I am, I’ve always happy with my elderly little motorbike, so it doesn’t bother me that I’ve never been able to afford a new car. But now it is happening, I’m so happy about it! Why? Because in time my disability will only get worse, in spite of knee replacements. It’s already become a challenge to get on and off a step-though motorbike. Yet I’ve become so accustomed to not being able to go everywhere I like by the natural means of walking, that to unexpectedly obtain a brand new car through the system has become a much biggest issue, since it spells continued freedom in the hills! :angel:

I’ve told friends I’m thinking of calling the car Sunshine. Some folks just don’t get it. New cars are rather nice, but people buy them every few years, so what’s the big deal? The only asset they can think of is staying dry in wet weather (which has never been the big issue people think it is.)

Another friend ‘s comment was: ’Yes, call her Sunshine, because of the sunshine she’s bringing into your life!’ So I sat there, loving the magical view, with an ear-to-ear grin while I thought about Sunshine, and never a thought in my head about the absence of Himalayas ‘floating’ above the horizon because I know in my heart that I’ve come to love the hills of home far too much to want to add even a single inch to their height! If I was settling for something less, and reaching hilltops by natural, not unnatural, means was still an issue, then why the spontaneous tears of joy when I caught sight of that view? :angel::angel::angel:

How many posters here understand the analogy?

brook65 11-19-2007 06:56 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3313278]

Brook I’m not quite sure what you mean about it being funny (in a nice kind of way) for me to jump on the little motorbike wherever I feel like it.

my first trek was in the company of people whose main interest seemed to be boasting about their posh jobs and possessions. and that has a lot to do with my non-materialistic sense of values.

but when I moved to the hills, I came out on the other side, because I could ride up and down the hills on my little motorbike, frequently keeping up with friends who are on the same wavelength compared with kindly peasants and much nicer to know than those well-off trekkers, sharing food and drink so it can be a very sociable activity.

Non-materialistic person that I am, I’ve always happy with my elderly little motorbike, so it doesn’t bother me that I’ve never been able to afford a new car. angel:
?[/QUOTE]



Gosh I hope I didn't offend you, it is just my humour, I guess I have a picture in my mind of a little lady riding an old bike in the hills, not something you see everyday! so funny but in a nice way, if that makes sense.

You are an inspiration in that you don't need to keep up with the Jones, your quite happy with your beloved old motorbike, and you don't care what others think, who are more materialistic than yourself.

My mothers family come from the Outer Hebrides, and the way folk live there are also similar in their simple but happy lifestyles.:)

I bet when you get your new car your keep your old bike;)

xanadu2 11-19-2007 12:36 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3313500]Gosh I hope I didn't offend you, it is just my humour, I guess I have a picture in my mind of a little lady riding an old bike in the hills, not something you see everyday! so funny but in a nice way, if that makes sense.

You are an inspiration in that you don't need to keep up with the Jones, your quite happy with your beloved old motorbike, and you don't care what others think, who are more materialistic than yourself.

My mothers family come from the Outer Hebrides, and the way folk live there are also similar in their simple but happy lifestyles.:)

I bet when you get your new car your keep your old bike;)[/QUOTE]


Thanks Brook!

I see what you mean! Yes, of course I am keeping Hawk the motorbike, whose 19th birthday will be next month, because he's like an old friend! :) He is infinitely superior to flashy vehicles that only last a couple of years, or that cost significanly more to run! I've also found out that going everywhere on him gives me a lower carbon footprint than I'd have if I went on public transport! :)

Where have all the other posters gone?

Larrylou'smom 11-19-2007 12:49 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
:wave:[QUOTE=xanadu2;3314041]Thanks Brook!

I see what you mean! Yes, of course I am keeping Hawk the motorbike, whose 19th birthday will be next month, because he's like an old friend! :) He is infinitely superior to flashy vehicles that only last a couple of years, or that cost significanly more to run! I've also found out that going everywhere on him gives me a lower carbon footprint than I'd have if I went on public transport! :)

Where have all the other posters gone?[/QUOTE]


:wave: Hey Xanadu, I'm still reading your very interesting posts. Just don't really have anything new to say regarding my take on the whole "brave single gal" thing. :)

xanadu2 11-19-2007 03:43 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Hi LLM,

Glad you are still here! :wave: I did wonder if the last post before one would make a few people who can't grasp my take on the single life think again, but no, they are somewhere else.

Actually the course this thread took threw even me off track. I was going to say something completely different, about how my life shaped up after the way my parents treated me, and hopefully I'll have a go tomorrow.

JennyLee123 11-19-2007 05:24 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Well, I am single and 23 years old. The only time I am content with being single is when I have no friends who are in relationships. If I am surrounded by friends who are all in loving and committed relationships I get extemely depressed. That is why I no longer contact a friend who is in a committed relationship because seeing her find true love while I am still single was just devastating. Being a single gal I kinda enjoyed having another single friend to hang out with. But when her boyfriend came along naturally of course she wanted to spend ALL of her time with him. There were times where I wanted to go to the movies, go to a bar or just chill and she would be doing much more exiciting things with her boyfriend. And seeing her with a committed partner only put more emphasis on how I am in my early 20s, a point where relationships should be thriviing..sitting at home doing nothing..completely bored and alone.

I felt like my duty as a friend served it's purpose so I disappeared. I stopped calling her, and the few times she called me I never picked up the phone. I have not contacted her nor has she contacted me in over 3 months. It was probably very easy for her to get over my disapperance because she has love and companionship. She has someone to cuddle with at night, to hold hands with, make out with and make love to. I know she is doing just fine. Hopefully, I'll be able to find a love too..but I know it will be harder

Some people naturally find relationships easier than others, individuals are just drawn to them for some reason. I on the other hand, have not had such luck. I never meet what I am looking for. Every guy that approaches me is never my type. And I have been told that I look mean or seem standoffish. I feel like this is out of my control. I can't really change who I am. So, maybe I will be the type that won't fall in love until I am in my 30s or so. I just don't see myself in a serious relationship in my 20s at all. I have accepted this. As long as I do find love in this lifetime is all that matters to me now

JennyLee123 11-19-2007 05:27 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Also to cope with being single I have thought about just finding a sex partner..someone that i meet with a couple times of week to kinda feel that void. I do want some form of companionship whether it is romantic or completely sexual. I wouldn't even mind being some married guy's mistress..I'd be open to that.

Larrylou'smom 11-19-2007 07:42 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3314303]Hi LLM,

Glad you are still here! :wave: I did wonder if the last post before one would make a few people who can't grasp my take on the single life think again, but no, they are somewhere else.

Actually the course this thread took threw even me off track. I was going to say something completely different, about how my life shaped up after the way my parents treated me, and hopefully I'll have a go tomorrow.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I think I get where you were going with the analogy. I think matters of the heart though, are different than material things and such. Strictly speaking for myself and no one else, I don't want a relationship for the status, or for the social standing. It's just, like I said before, you have your lovely mountains, and they do the trick for you and I think that's great, but I think that's an ability not all of us have. I've searched for 10 years and haven't found anything like your mountains that do it for me. Nothing gives me even a tiny little bit of joy. Nothing is even a fairly close second to being in the arms of the man I love, talking, watching the sun set, just breathing, feeling another person's presence, warmth, and knowing they are yours and you are theirs. There's a peace, a serenity, a grouding and feeling of center and acceptance and belonging and normalcy that nothing else I've ever known comes close to matching. I really wish I had never experienced that actually, because it spoiled me for pretty much anything else life has to offer. I'm just so....I tried to think of the word that best describes it today, and I think it's bored. I'm just so darn bored with life. I'm sick and tired of life alone, regardless of whether Im at a concert, out on the town, relaxing at home, taking a nice walk down a prettty country path with the leaves changing, it's still boring, it's old hat and I just can't make myself get interested. I'm sick and tired and just bored with living life alone. What else can I say? And the more people try to tell me "go out and do this, try doing that" the more irritated and sick and tired and exhausted I get. None of it is any good. It's just all so boring and "been there done that." Hmmmmm...guess we all just have to find our own individual mountain. Takes longer for some, maybe.

lostsoul12 11-19-2007 10:41 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Hi Xandau I have been browsing this thread but have just remained silent
I really don't have much to say, and whatever I can say about singlehood is pretty depressing that it's better not worth mentioning. JennyLee123 I know EXACTLY how you feel about having friends who are in relationships and not being able to contact them because they are doing more exciting things with their boyfriends/husbands. Most of my friends are all in relationships also and I am the "single" one. I also don't contact a lot of my friends because again, they don't have time to spend with me or if they do, I have no interest being the "third wheel" hanging out with them and there significant other. I am so happy that my friends have found love but just as deeply hurt inside that as everyone in my age group/social circle has found love--and what have I found? depression. I just feel like I am at the verge of hitting some expired eggs. I have just gave up and am just sick and tired of all of this. If something is going to happen then it just will. I can't control anything and quit setting goals and giving myself false hope along time ago on hoping that my single loveless self will dissapear one day. As far as relationships thriving in the 20s age group, I don't know about that, I have never had luck with that and still don't as I am getting close to 30...my thriving has been on being all alone. You are right, it is just easier for some people than others. I also have had very bad luck. The thing for me is that most men I meet don't even want a serious relationship-all they want is some fling and that's it or they are not my type. I have only had one relationship all my life and was single till I hit 23. Even that one relationship took so much effort to begin in the first place and it also started off as a fling type. If you are in your early 20's your still really really young. I also thought I would never ever find love. But I did, even though it dissapeared and was just a tease, I did find it at the age of 23 and it only lasted for about 2.5 years but I had the chance to experience such an amazing feeling. I guess thats why it hurts a lot more now, to know what that feeling is like and no longer have it and have the desire to crave it. I am sure with time, you will also find love, your words remind me a lot about how I felt in my early twenties and sadly, I feel the exact same way now years later.

LoL I would always tell my ex "you don't have to worry about me leaving you or ever cheating on you because even if I wanted to it would take me another 23+years to even find someone to do that!" It just amazes me how some people can just easily jump from one relationship to another so easily and develop relationships out of it (not just flings). And as far as the finding a sex partner thing, honestly lately that idea has crossed my mind several times. I know if I wanted ot find a sex partner only, that would be SUPER easy. Where as finding someone who could give me a meaningful relationship is like being sturck by lightning for me. I already see myself as the single, childless, marriageless, loveless, person but I don't have to be sexless now do I? All I need to do is go to a bar and meet some men and the chances of finding a fling is pretty easy. But I know deep down inside that is not something I want to do. I know I deserve a lot more than just some sex partner and you also deserve more. I know it can be hard to cope with the single feeling to want to do this to fill a void but what will happen if you meet someone and develop a fling type of relationship only and maybe start to get attached to them? develop feelings? the end result can also be painful if they don't have the same feelings for you as they may have seen this as a fling only relationship. Also, I am very scared of catching an STD an stuff and casual encounters are high risk for those. I know it can be hard to cope, but I would encourage you to take part in whatever is around you and if something is meant to be it will just happen. I don't know what you do, but if you are a student, then maybe take part in any organizations your school has/hobbies that interest (this is a good way to meet other people and make friends-and who knows maybe some of them maybe single) also trying to focus on other things in life that you appreciate and enjoy can also be helpful and serve as a distraction from the singlehood. This has helped me a little bit. As I am so frustrated with my singlehood, I just continue on with what I can control and would like to work on besides my singlehood, such as going to the gym, taking care of my health, and engaging in acitvities that I like such as cooking and painting. I know it's hard to cope, I have had a terrible year with so much other stuff happening that this singlehood loveless nonsense is just not doing me any good but destroying so many of my dreams. I wish I had the magic words to take away this pain but I don't. But I can say, that "you're not alone".

JennyLee123 11-20-2007 05:18 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=lostsoul12;3314748]Hi Xandau I have been browsing this thread but have just remained silent
I really don't have much to say, and whatever I can say about singlehood is pretty depressing that it's better not worth mentioning. JennyLee123 I know EXACTLY how you feel about having friends who are in relationships and not being able to contact them because they are doing more exciting things with their boyfriends/husbands. Most of my friends are all in relationships also and I am the "single" one. I also don't contact a lot of my friends because again, they don't have time to spend with me or if they do, I have no interest being the "third wheel" hanging out with them and there significant other. I am so happy that my friends have found love but just as deeply hurt inside that as everyone in my age group/social circle has found love--and what have I found? depression. I just feel like I am at the verge of hitting some expired eggs. I have just gave up and am just sick and tired of all of this. If something is going to happen then it just will. I can't control anything and quit setting goals and giving myself false hope along time ago on hoping that my single loveless self will dissapear one day. As far as relationships thriving in the 20s age group, I don't know about that, I have never had luck with that and still don't as I am getting close to 30...my thriving has been on being all alone. You are right, it is just easier for some people than others. I also have had very bad luck. The thing for me is that most men I meet don't even want a serious relationship-all they want is some fling and that's it or they are not my type. I have only had one relationship all my life and was single till I hit 23. Even that one relationship took so much effort to begin in the first place and it also started off as a fling type. If you are in your early 20's your still really really young. I also thought I would never ever find love. But I did, even though it dissapeared and was just a tease, I did find it at the age of 23 and it only lasted for about 2.5 years but I had the chance to experience such an amazing feeling. I guess thats why it hurts a lot more now, to know what that feeling is like and no longer have it and have the desire to crave it. I am sure with time, you will also find love, your words remind me a lot about how I felt in my early twenties and sadly, I feel the exact same way now years later.

LoL I would always tell my ex "you don't have to worry about me leaving you or ever cheating on you because even if I wanted to it would take me another 23+years to even find someone to do that!" It just amazes me how some people can just easily jump from one relationship to another so easily and develop relationships out of it (not just flings). And as far as the finding a sex partner thing, honestly lately that idea has crossed my mind several times. I know if I wanted ot find a sex partner only, that would be SUPER easy. Where as finding someone who could give me a meaningful relationship is like being sturck by lightning for me. I already see myself as the single, childless, marriageless, loveless, person but I don't have to be sexless now do I? All I need to do is go to a bar and meet some men and the chances of finding a fling is pretty easy. But I know deep down inside that is not something I want to do. I know I deserve a lot more than just some sex partner and you also deserve more. I know it can be hard to cope with the single feeling to want to do this to fill a void but what will happen if you meet someone and develop a fling type of relationship only and maybe start to get attached to them? develop feelings? the end result can also be painful if they don't have the same feelings for you as they may have seen this as a fling only relationship. Also, I am very scared of catching an STD an stuff and casual encounters are high risk for those. I know it can be hard to cope, but I would encourage you to take part in whatever is around you and if something is meant to be it will just happen. I don't know what you do, but if you are a student, then maybe take part in any organizations your school has/hobbies that interest (this is a good way to meet other people and make friends-and who knows maybe some of them maybe single) also trying to focus on other things in life that you appreciate and enjoy can also be helpful and serve as a distraction from the singlehood. This has helped me a little bit. As I am so frustrated with my singlehood, I just continue on with what I can control and would like to work on besides my singlehood, such as going to the gym, taking care of my health, and engaging in acitvities that I like such as cooking and painting. I know it's hard to cope, I have had a terrible year with so much other stuff happening that this singlehood loveless nonsense is just not doing me any good but destroying so many of my dreams. I wish I had the magic words to take away this pain but I don't. But I can say, that "you're not alone".[/QUOTE]


I'm glad there's someone else out there who feels like I do.

I will tell you I've tried the doing hobbies by myself. I would walk downtown by myself, catch the bus and visit museums and while the scenery was very nice it never filled that void. It's gonna always be there no matter what I do.

Lately, I don't know how I am going to meet a guy because I work 8 1/2 hours a day and then I go to school & repeat the same thing over agian through the week. There hasn't been one guy that I've clicked with. I thought by this age I would have been in a serious relationship but so far nothing. I don't even know where to go to meet men. i'm really scared for my future..

the space pixie 11-20-2007 05:32 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
this was to jennylee123 message about not speaking to friends in relationships . . . i'm really sorry that you feel you have to shut out friends just because they are in a relationship and happy . . . i always thought a true friend was there no matter what !

I do understand your feelings . . . a was married very young and my marriage fell apart. I had a friends which were married and single, and i watched all of my single friends fall in love and marry, and i shared in their happiness , i was happy for them . . . . eventually in my early thirties i met someone and i remarried but i am still very close to all of my friends i had before . . . why sit at home feeling sorry for yourself when you can actually be out there with your friends and being happy for them !

love will come to you when you least expect it, but not when your sitting at home on your own !

bulletproof 11-20-2007 06:05 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
You have to give love to get love. That means in all areas of your life. If you are avoiding coupled friends and moping, then that negativity is what you will get back. And the poster who said she has 'bad luck'? There is really no such thing as good luck or bad luck. Luck is what we create. I hope you find the strength to make your lives what you wish them to be.

Larrylou'smom 11-20-2007 06:25 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=the space pixie;3314938]this was to jennylee123 message about not speaking to friends in relationships . . . i'm really sorry that you feel you have to shut out friends just because they are in a relationship and happy . . . i always thought a true friend was there no matter what !

I do understand your feelings . . . a was married very young and my marriage fell apart. I had a friends which were married and single, and i watched all of my single friends fall in love and marry, and i shared in their happiness , i was happy for them . . . . eventually in my early thirties i met someone and i remarried but i am still very close to all of my friends i had before . . . why sit at home feeling sorry for yourself when you can actually be out there with your friends and being happy for them !

love will come to you when you least expect it, but not when your sitting at home on your own ![/QUOTE]


I think you were very lucky to have had good friends who loved you and wanted to be with you no matter what. It's just not always the case unfortunately. I've experienced it, my friends and co-workers have experienced it, my brother's experienced it, no matter how close you are to someone, when they get a SO, they disappear. They stop returning your phone calls, they're always too busy to do things with you, all their time and attention goes to their SO relationship, they never want to go out anymore, the two of them just want to stay in and relax, and after the kids come, forgetabatit!! They can't get a sitter, the kids are sick, they're always too tired to come over to your place or for you to go over to their place, etc. It happens. It's just a fact of life.

I think it's great you had such good friends who didn't take a powder and were still there for you even though they got coupled up.

lostsoul12 11-20-2007 09:45 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=bulletproof;3314977]You have to give love to get love. That means in all areas of your life. If you are avoiding coupled friends and moping, then that negativity is what you will get back. And the poster who said she has 'bad luck'? There is really no such thing as good luck or bad luck. Luck is what we create. I hope you find the strength to make your lives what you wish them to be.[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with you that you have to give love to get love and similar things like you have to respect others to gain respect and so forth. As far as me, I would not say that I am avoiding my friends, but even if I reach out them they are not available because there schedules are filled with plans wih significant others, can't find a babysitter, etc. It's like what a few others have mentioned, once they get coupled up they begin to dissapear, and the funny thing I noticed is they only return (start to return phone calls, want to hang out) when they are having a problem with there significant other or just broke up with them. And yes, there are a few out there who will stick by your side regardless if they are coupled up or not-and I am lucky to have a few friends who do that. I am happy for all my friends, even if they don't return my calls, even if they don't hang out with me because they have plans with a significant other, I happy because they have found what I don't have--love. Heck if love isn't set in my path, then let's hope it's not like that for everyone. I consider myself as a dedicated and faithful person and always willing to help out friends and family in need, but still love will not come to me-only depression. And yeah JennyLee, I know how you feel, the void will be there no matter what. I am sorry I can't give you and insight on that-as I am also in the exact same spot. I don't know how long I will be able to last this type of lifestyle. I try and try so hard to do those "cliches" folks tell me-but it just doesn't cut it. I also thought that by this age I would be in some relationship. It can be so hard because all my friends are in relationships and lately most of them have been getting engaed, setting up wedding dates, having baby showers and so forth and all of that just reminds me how far I am away from that and just how alone I really am. I wish I had the aswers you are looking for, but I'm sorry I don't. :confused:

bulletproof 11-20-2007 10:11 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
If only depression is coming to you, then something is very wrong. Have you seen a therapist? Statements such as not seeing 'how long' you can last in 'this lifestyle' sound very serious.

The fact that you told your ex-bf (while he was still your bf) that it would take you another 23 years to find someone is very telling. That's a lot of pressure to put on another person. Maybe this type of behavior has affected your ability to sustain a relationship?

Friends grow apart for all sorts of reasons, not just when an SO comes into the picture. Yes, sometimes we have to make an extra effort to see friends that have families. To me, it's worth it. Their boyfriends and husbands have friends, relatives, co-workers, all people I could meet and date. And it's happened for me many times. Removing yourself from society and being miserable gets you nowhere.

We all had expectations of what our lives 'should' have been. Sometimes the reality is not what we thought, but that doesn't mean we have to become negative and unhappy, or that we can't put our lives back on the right track. Stop measuring yourself against other peoples' situations. You're not even thirty yet. There is still more than enough time to have children, and you have your whole life to meet someone. Deciding you'll be alone forever when you've barely lived a third of your life is kind of jumping the gun.

Larrylou'smom 11-20-2007 10:11 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Well, I do happen to believe in, well, not "luck" exactly, but I think there's a reason why you can take two people, and they can act exactly the same way, wear they same clothes, smile the same way, do all the same things, and one gets the job or gets the guy, and the other doesn't. I do believe there are things out there beyond our control, especially when it comes to another human being's free will. You can be the most outgoing, smiley, loving, giving, respectful person in the world, but you still can't control whether someone is going to love you or want to date you or not. You can drive yourself absolutely mad with that "if I really have totaly control over this, then what am I missing? Did I show too much cleavage? Not enough? Did I laugh too much? NOt enough? Did I tell too many jokes? Not enough jokes? Did I not have enough eye contact? Too much eye contact? Should I have paid? Was I a ba** buster because I DID pay? Should I have called him? Did I not call him enough? Did I smother him? Was I too aloof? Did I have food in my teeth? Did I come off as neurotic because I was trying to casually get the food out of my teeth? Did I cross my arms? Was I relaxed? was I too relaxed and had sloppy posture?"

The list is literally endless and you will make yourself absolutely nuts if you don't let go and accept that there are some things you have no control over and it does have to do with luck, fate, fortune, or whatever you want to call things that you have no control over.

Don't let it drive you nuts. I'm very secure in myself that I am as loving, giving, open hearted and warm as I'm capable of being without being smothering, annoying, neurotic or needy. Whether someone responds to it or not is totally up to the Lord. I trust Him to know what He's doing to make sure I have what I'm supposed to have. I may not be happy, I may not even be content, I may never know love, I may spend the rest of my life miserable and lonely, I may meet someone, I don't know. I just know I'll have what I'm supposed to have.

JennyLee123 11-20-2007 10:14 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
I started to avoid my friend because I felt like at times she was flaunting her relationship in my face a little. I tried being a good sport and I would visit her while her boyfriend was over there, and try to be good company & remain patient while they left the room several times to go fool around or how we'll all be in the same room and the two of them will be entirely focused on each other--and I'd just be there feeling shut out. I tried to be understanding and say to myself "well she's in love" but after awhile it just got really irritating. To me her behavior was just starting to get downright tacky. She even ditched me on my birthday for her boyfriend. :(

Her boyfriend was much more important than any friendship. She even got very arrogant and talked down towards single women by saying "I don't need to go to clubs I have what they are looking for. I have a man". Her ego got too big.


Whenever I called her I felt like I was intruding on something because she would be with her boyfriend. The few times she picked up the phone when she was with him, there would this tension. She never stayed on the phone for long partly because told me that her boyfriend would rush her off the phone whenever her friend's would call. I started to hate the two of them together and would wish taht they would break up. So far they are still together after a year. And I am still single:(

I just view two people in love as being self absorbed. I also hate how some couples will brag about how they have what other people may never find. it's irritating and it depresses me at the same time because i am single


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