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xanadu2 11-16-2007 02:35 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3310165]
And please do forgive my ignorance, but I don't understand how it can be so hard to find a date/partner. Ever since I hit 18 and became open for business, so to speak, I've had an absolutely steady stream of boyfriends/affairs/flings. And often two or three at the same time. There are a lot of people out there![/QUOTE]

I wish I knew how you do it! I was actually coming to that. In fact Ive had several attempts, but even as the OP, I never know quite whats coming next! :) One day Ill be able to explain

Lost Soul, I am sorry you feel so sad. I treat my home as a kind of superden, full of all kinds of lovely things my parents would have thrown out. I put on music or a quiet, informative TV or radio programme so I can hear sounds in the house without all the screaming that accompanies a lot of TV. If I make a mess, or come in tired with loads of stuff, I can dump it and tidy up when I feel like it. If I cant sleep and feel like tidying up in the middle of the night, thats fine. I love doing things I couldnt do as a kid and thinking: Mum or Dad would have told me off for that! And I often think: No one is arguing with me. Thats so important because I had years of existing in a place with a domineering and bad-tempered householder.

But the important factors behind all this are: Firstly, I live in a village with a sense of community. I am shocked at the discrimination against single people, but thankfully, there is none of it here. People here accept me as I am, so I think of all the friends out there.

Secondly, I chose a house with a view of the hills. I can look up from the computer to the Ridgeway, a thousand feet above the valley with more than a thousand years of history. Seeing it from the house means I never feel shut in, or very far away from the hills I love so much.

rosequartz 11-16-2007 02:39 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=pendulum;3310305]Ok, this is fine. Maybe it's time for an overview. I'll state my case, if anyone is interested. For [U][B]me[/B][/U], it is important to always be in a relationship. [B][U]I[/U][/B] wouldn't be able to live alone. Happiness to [U][B]me[/B][/U] includes having a partner and a family, indeed that is the very kernel of [U][B]my[/B][/U] happiness. Partnerships, marriages, any kind of bonds include dissenssion and often doubts (what if I were alone, single, whatever?), but so far [B][U]I[/U][/B] have been able to make the other aspects of [U][B]my[/B][/U] relationship outweigh these. But that's [U][B]me[/B][/U]. This is [U][B]my[/B][/U] formula. If it is magical, I don't know. If other people identify with this, great. If not, it's great, too. As far as I am concerned, I am not trying to impose my thoughts. I am just speaking my piece.[/QUOTE]

that is a MUCH better way to present your case.....
:angel:

lb07maricopa 11-16-2007 03:24 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3310218]do you realize you've given 5 examples of relationships and all 5 are miserable?
2 sisters
1 brother
your parents
your own marriage

how many relationships do you know of where the people are genuinely HAPPY......not just content or settling.......actually happy?[COLOR="SeaGreen"]Mine is the only one i know of right now. Everyone is so unhappy with their relationships or theyre marriage; i dont know why or what is going on with everyone that makes them so unhappy. [/COLOR]

why are people so upset that they don't have a partner to be miserable with?
I don't get it.....unless it's because maybe they think the grass is always greener?[/QUOTE]

IMO, Rosequartz, the reason i think we have such terrible relationships these days is because we have become more selfish. Men and women are out looking for who can do for them. If we ARE looking, we are looking for mr./ms Right - which is what? ourselves.. we are always looking in the mirror. someone that satisfies me and does for me that turns me on, that makes me click - whatever it is that makes ME happy. Do we ever think ..I want to love somebody, i want to make someone happy, i want to turn somebody on and make them click.

Does this make me a door mat? I dont feel like one. i rub my husbands feet, give him massages, make him dinner, cut his hair....whatever. it makes him very happy ...which in turn makes me happy.
I know, im sick, people kid me about it..or theyll say...lucky guy..interestingly though, they never ask me, what does he do for you?
Also, my 2 sisters, brother and parents, they think i am SO fortunate to have such a wonderful husband.:)
lb

pendulum 11-16-2007 03:25 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=rosequartz;3310315]that is a MUCH better way to present your case.....
:angel:[/QUOTE]

;)

Larrylou'smom 11-16-2007 04:51 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=lostsoul12;3310118]Eventually, the reality comes back when you come home at the end of the day to another empty home, emty bed, empty dining table, another meal all alone, living in four closed walls all alone and the only voice you hear is yours. Besides that even outside of the house I am flashed with being exposed to couples, hearing love songs on the radio/tv, watching mothers take there children to the park on a nice sunny day, work parties that I chose not to go to because everyone has a partner to take along with them, etc. [/QUOTE]

Awww lostsoul (((hugs))). I know it's hard. And with the holidays coming up and all...I had an absolutely horrible time at my last company holiday party. Everyone there was coupled up and dinner was ok but they had dancing afterward and everyone got up from the table and danced with their partners I'm the only left sitting there like an idiot. that was a few years ago, and I have chosen to skip it the last few years, but I think I might go again this year. I might leave before the dancing starts, though!!!

It is just sad. A long time ago I had someone tell me that if I didn't want to come home to an empty place then don't go home. He said volunteer, work, go out, meet new people blah blah blah blah and don't come home till I'm so exhausted that all I want to do is flop in bed. Well, that's all well and good, but he failed to take into account that I don't WANT to hang out all night till I'm so tired that I have to go home and flop in bed. There's no fun, no joy, no peace in that for me. I want to come HOME TO someone. I'm a homebody and I hate going out after work. I like coming home, having a nice peaceful dinner, and doing at home stuff. I just want someone there with me, someone who's my family, someone I love and share my life with. He just couldn't get that concept. And even if you stay out all night, eventually you have to get in bed and sleep. And you still get in that bed alone. And it's horrible.

So what's the solution for people like you and me, lostsoul? I wish I knew. I spent many many years trying to find the answer. I had three different shrinks tell me all the same stuff that the positive, successfully single people here are saying, and I tried all of it, volunteering, pursuing my passions and bliss, meeting new people, joining clubs, etc. But I just couldnt' seem to make any of it work, I still felt so lonely it almost swallowed me up. Even when I was in a room filled with people. i didn't feel connected to any of them, I just didn't feel like I belonged, like I was a real part of the human race, like I should be on this planet, because I was so acutely aware that NO ONE EVER LOVED ME and just knowing that just colored everything I tried to do. It was like "why are you laughing, why are you trying to have fun, why are you acting all big and thinking you can have a good time? Don't you know no one loves you?" I know a lot of these feelings also stem from childhood things, abuse I went through, etc. that generally leaves people feeling unwanted, uncared for, unloved, so when my ex left me, it hit me so much harder than it would have someone who had started out with a healthier self image and world view, if you will. It's been a tough hill to climb. The bottom line is, I want to be married. I want love. I want sex. I want to matter to one special person who matters to me. To me, I personally can't be happy without that because to me, that simply IS happiness. I love my dog, I love my family, dysfunctional as they can be, I love my work when it doesn't take over my whole life, I like the people I work with. I know I'm blessed in that regard. But I still just can't get excited about a life that doesnt' include love. I guess all we can do is try as hard as we can to count what blessings we do have, never forget them, keep setting goals, keep hope alive, and keep in the moment, and keep on keepin' on. I really don't know what else to do, either. But I wish you luck, and if you feel your happiness depends so much on having someone to love, I wish you love, too.

xanadu2 11-16-2007 06:10 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3309374]Hi Xanadu

Your living proof that we as humans can be happy in singlehood, I know when I left my last partner to be single (not alone) I was much happier that way, then I ever was in that relationship.

Your life sounds spiritual and happy, and I only wonder if one of the reasons you question being single at your age is probably down to peoples opinion in everyday life. You are alone as in not in a romantic relationship, but your not lonely.

I agree with the poster who says that love can come at any age as well,[/QUOTE]


Brooke,

This is an especially lovely post, and thank you very much! :angel:

I no longer suffer from that dreadful pressure to be one half of a couple, thank goodness. My motivation is partly that I had a long-term boyfriend (the only one ever) until he left me for another woman. I know from experience that any holes in my life caused by love are temporary. I have the lonely feelings, then come out on the other side where life is beautiful again, and since I came to live in the hills, the time I take to recover from bad stuff has grown very short indeed. However it happened quite recently.

The real reason I'm pursuing this is that all my life I’ve been making lemonade out of lemons because that’s been my only sensible option. To me personally, grieving over the fact that there is no partner to be had makes no more sense than settling for the wrong man. Please note, everyone, that I do not apply this judgement to anyone else, only to myself.

However I had this insight, and it fascinates me. I have always been mystified by the way men never think of looking for a relationship with me, even though on the face of it I do all the right things. If I can understand this, I feel a sense of elation at solving a huge mystery that had dogged the whole of my adult life. Once I thoroughly understand it, for the first time (apart from E the boyfriend who left me) I actually have a choice! :bouncing:

I may choose to be in a relationship. Or I may decide to continue voluntarily as I am now. (There is after all a lot at stake when you own a much-loved house that you can never possibly hope to replace in the event of divorce, and so much of your happiness is bound up with living in a certain place, not somewhere else.)

[quote=bulletproof;3309991

The fact is that your life is what it is, make the best of it, and don't be a victim. Learn to appreciate what you have. Want a mate if that's what you want, but stop saying that people who don't are just in denial or lying. And I am saying this from the perspective of someone who *does* want to be with someone.[/QUOTE]

I agree, it's about having an open mind about other peoples true choices, and what makes others happy
[/quote]

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!! :angel: Thank you very much! :angel:

NB, what did I do to make this post come out in bold type? No idea!

Larrylou'smom 11-16-2007 10:58 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3310553]
The real reason I'm pursuing this is that all my life I’ve been making lemonade out of lemons because that’s been my only sensible option. To me personally, grieving over the fact that there is no partner to be had makes no more sense than settling for the wrong man. Please note, everyone, that I do not apply this judgement to anyone else, only to myself.
[/QUOTE]

Well thank you very much for the non-judgmental tack of that!! And of course you're right from a logical standpoint. It doesn't make sense to mourn and grieve for something over which you have absolutely no control over whether you have it or not, but we do anyway. And maybe it is a choice. I think maybe it could be that I just don't WANT to choose to ignore how my arms crave to hold someone, how my body aches to be held by someone. I really don't want to choose to stifle or sublimate those cravings, I want to satisfy them!!! Stifling and sublimating just seems like such a downer I guess.

I wish I had something in my life that I loved as much as you love your lovely hills and nature. Something that I could look at and say "eh, I don't really need someone to love as long as I have this!!" Maybe someday I'll find something, God willing. But right now, it's pretty hard to imagine something I could love so much, that is so wonderful and amazing that it takes away my deep regret at failing to have earned the love of the man I loved, and the sorrow of never knowing love. I can really see how some people can get on with a life that doesn't include love, may never include love, and be just fine. I used to be one of those people. There was a time in my life when I was quite happy and content with my music, my work, my family, and whatever fun and happiness I could create for myself. I just can't seem to find my way back to being that kind of person again. I've become Julia Ormond in Legends Of The Fall, and right now, that's the only thing that makes sense to me, the only thing I can feel. Maybe it just takes a lot of time.

brook65 11-17-2007 03:46 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3310553]Brooke,

This is an especially lovely post, and thank you very much! :angel:

I no longer suffer from that dreadful pressure to be one half of a couple, thank goodness. My motivation is partly that I had a long-term boyfriend (the only one ever) until he left me for another woman. I know from experience that any holes in my life caused by love are temporary. I have the lonely feelings, then come out on the other side where life is beautiful again, and since I came to live in the hills, the time I take to recover from bad stuff has grown very short indeed. [/QUOTE]

Your welcome:angel:

Although I myself prefer and feel more happy being with someone, if I were without a signaficant other like yourself, I would hope to take some inspiration from your phylosophy of life.

It's about making something good out of what we have in life, and being happy in that.

Your lifestyle makes you sound like you are as free as the wind, the going out on your bike whenever it takes your fancy is funny, but in a nice way.:)

There are always going to be people that are better off or happier then ourselves, but there will always be others that are worse off also.

But the great thing is, you haven't given up on love it appears, just enjoying life and making the most of it until if and when it happens:angel:

xanadu2 11-19-2007 01:27 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3311533]Your welcome:angel:

Although I myself prefer and feel more happy being with someone, if I were without a signaficant other like yourself, I would hope to take some inspiration from your phylosophy of life.

It's about making something good out of what we have in life, and being happy in that.

Your lifestyle makes you sound like you are as free as the wind, the going out on your bike whenever it takes your fancy is funny, but in a nice way.:)

There are always going to be people that are better off or happier then ourselves, but there will always be others that are worse off also.

But the great thing is, you haven't given up on love it appears, just enjoying life and making the most of it until if and when it happens:angel:[/QUOTE]

Thanks again, folks!

LLM, it was thinking about you, as well as the number of times people have been wrong about me, that made me realise how wrong it is to generalise. Brook, that was a lovely post but I’m not quite sure what you mean about it being funny (in a nice kind of way) for me to jump on the little motorbike wherever I feel like it.

Pondering how some people cannot imagine being totally happy with no relationship, while others understand very well indeed, made me think of an analogy. Supposing I set love and relationships to one side for a moment and explain another issue to illustrate just how I feel about them?

As a hill-walker and lover of nature, my biggest ambition was to trek in the Himalayas. However my first trek was in the company of people whose main interest seemed to be boasting about their posh jobs and possessions. They said things like: ‘Oh, those big white things. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.’ So I was happier trekking independently as a paying guest in local houses, trying to speak the language of the kind people who gave me hospitality, and that has a lot to do with my non-materialistic sense of values.

People often think there is no greater blessing than good health. Since trekking became my ruling passion, I did twenty-four treks in the greatest mountains on earth, travelling for weeks away from the last road, where travel is only possible on foot. At that time it was the biggest thing in my life. So how very much did I value being a strong walker? But then my knees wore out and I found myself unable to walk on any kind of gradient at all! So I succumbed to depression, and the loss of the great snow peaks felt like grieving for a friend.

That’s how I felt while I lived in a town in flat country, but when I moved to the hills, I came out on the other side, because I could ride up and down the hills on my little motorbike, frequently keeping up with friends who are on the same wavelength compared with kindly peasants and much nicer to know than those well-off trekkers, sharing food and drink so it can be a very sociable activity.

I used to consciously enjoy the feel of my legs swinging along below my body. By contrast, needing a machine to get into the hills is unnatural. When I reached the Ridgeway the other day, the wonderful panorama of sunlit hills above the clouds would have been mere foothills if I’d been in Nepal. Frequently those foothills faded into a colour almost like that of the sky, while huge snow peaks could be seen glittering above this apparent horizon. This ethereal ‘floating-mountain’ look could last for days. So I could have reached the Ridgeway and thought: ‘No getting here by natural means. No Great Himalayas above the horizon. No good booking another trek in Nepal, next month, next year, never…’

I didn’t think like that at all. Actually, being on the Ridgeway was so magical I spontaneously burst into tears of joy! :angel: When I’d recovered from that I fell to gleefully thinking about something that is going to happen in the next few weeks. Now that I’m registered as disabled, the system is actually going to let me have a little car, brand new! :)

Non-materialistic person that I am, I’ve always happy with my elderly little motorbike, so it doesn’t bother me that I’ve never been able to afford a new car. But now it is happening, I’m so happy about it! Why? Because in time my disability will only get worse, in spite of knee replacements. It’s already become a challenge to get on and off a step-though motorbike. Yet I’ve become so accustomed to not being able to go everywhere I like by the natural means of walking, that to unexpectedly obtain a brand new car through the system has become a much biggest issue, since it spells continued freedom in the hills! :angel:

I’ve told friends I’m thinking of calling the car Sunshine. Some folks just don’t get it. New cars are rather nice, but people buy them every few years, so what’s the big deal? The only asset they can think of is staying dry in wet weather (which has never been the big issue people think it is.)

Another friend ‘s comment was: ’Yes, call her Sunshine, because of the sunshine she’s bringing into your life!’ So I sat there, loving the magical view, with an ear-to-ear grin while I thought about Sunshine, and never a thought in my head about the absence of Himalayas ‘floating’ above the horizon because I know in my heart that I’ve come to love the hills of home far too much to want to add even a single inch to their height! If I was settling for something less, and reaching hilltops by natural, not unnatural, means was still an issue, then why the spontaneous tears of joy when I caught sight of that view? :angel::angel::angel:

How many posters here understand the analogy?

brook65 11-19-2007 06:56 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3313278]

Brook I’m not quite sure what you mean about it being funny (in a nice kind of way) for me to jump on the little motorbike wherever I feel like it.

my first trek was in the company of people whose main interest seemed to be boasting about their posh jobs and possessions. and that has a lot to do with my non-materialistic sense of values.

but when I moved to the hills, I came out on the other side, because I could ride up and down the hills on my little motorbike, frequently keeping up with friends who are on the same wavelength compared with kindly peasants and much nicer to know than those well-off trekkers, sharing food and drink so it can be a very sociable activity.

Non-materialistic person that I am, I’ve always happy with my elderly little motorbike, so it doesn’t bother me that I’ve never been able to afford a new car. angel:
?[/QUOTE]



Gosh I hope I didn't offend you, it is just my humour, I guess I have a picture in my mind of a little lady riding an old bike in the hills, not something you see everyday! so funny but in a nice way, if that makes sense.

You are an inspiration in that you don't need to keep up with the Jones, your quite happy with your beloved old motorbike, and you don't care what others think, who are more materialistic than yourself.

My mothers family come from the Outer Hebrides, and the way folk live there are also similar in their simple but happy lifestyles.:)

I bet when you get your new car your keep your old bike;)

xanadu2 11-19-2007 12:36 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=brook65;3313500]Gosh I hope I didn't offend you, it is just my humour, I guess I have a picture in my mind of a little lady riding an old bike in the hills, not something you see everyday! so funny but in a nice way, if that makes sense.

You are an inspiration in that you don't need to keep up with the Jones, your quite happy with your beloved old motorbike, and you don't care what others think, who are more materialistic than yourself.

My mothers family come from the Outer Hebrides, and the way folk live there are also similar in their simple but happy lifestyles.:)

I bet when you get your new car your keep your old bike;)[/QUOTE]


Thanks Brook!

I see what you mean! Yes, of course I am keeping Hawk the motorbike, whose 19th birthday will be next month, because he's like an old friend! :) He is infinitely superior to flashy vehicles that only last a couple of years, or that cost significanly more to run! I've also found out that going everywhere on him gives me a lower carbon footprint than I'd have if I went on public transport! :)

Where have all the other posters gone?

Larrylou'smom 11-19-2007 12:49 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
:wave:[QUOTE=xanadu2;3314041]Thanks Brook!

I see what you mean! Yes, of course I am keeping Hawk the motorbike, whose 19th birthday will be next month, because he's like an old friend! :) He is infinitely superior to flashy vehicles that only last a couple of years, or that cost significanly more to run! I've also found out that going everywhere on him gives me a lower carbon footprint than I'd have if I went on public transport! :)

Where have all the other posters gone?[/QUOTE]


:wave: Hey Xanadu, I'm still reading your very interesting posts. Just don't really have anything new to say regarding my take on the whole "brave single gal" thing. :)

xanadu2 11-19-2007 03:43 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Hi LLM,

Glad you are still here! :wave: I did wonder if the last post before one would make a few people who can't grasp my take on the single life think again, but no, they are somewhere else.

Actually the course this thread took threw even me off track. I was going to say something completely different, about how my life shaped up after the way my parents treated me, and hopefully I'll have a go tomorrow.

JennyLee123 11-19-2007 05:24 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Well, I am single and 23 years old. The only time I am content with being single is when I have no friends who are in relationships. If I am surrounded by friends who are all in loving and committed relationships I get extemely depressed. That is why I no longer contact a friend who is in a committed relationship because seeing her find true love while I am still single was just devastating. Being a single gal I kinda enjoyed having another single friend to hang out with. But when her boyfriend came along naturally of course she wanted to spend ALL of her time with him. There were times where I wanted to go to the movies, go to a bar or just chill and she would be doing much more exiciting things with her boyfriend. And seeing her with a committed partner only put more emphasis on how I am in my early 20s, a point where relationships should be thriviing..sitting at home doing nothing..completely bored and alone.

I felt like my duty as a friend served it's purpose so I disappeared. I stopped calling her, and the few times she called me I never picked up the phone. I have not contacted her nor has she contacted me in over 3 months. It was probably very easy for her to get over my disapperance because she has love and companionship. She has someone to cuddle with at night, to hold hands with, make out with and make love to. I know she is doing just fine. Hopefully, I'll be able to find a love too..but I know it will be harder

Some people naturally find relationships easier than others, individuals are just drawn to them for some reason. I on the other hand, have not had such luck. I never meet what I am looking for. Every guy that approaches me is never my type. And I have been told that I look mean or seem standoffish. I feel like this is out of my control. I can't really change who I am. So, maybe I will be the type that won't fall in love until I am in my 30s or so. I just don't see myself in a serious relationship in my 20s at all. I have accepted this. As long as I do find love in this lifetime is all that matters to me now

JennyLee123 11-19-2007 05:27 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Also to cope with being single I have thought about just finding a sex partner..someone that i meet with a couple times of week to kinda feel that void. I do want some form of companionship whether it is romantic or completely sexual. I wouldn't even mind being some married guy's mistress..I'd be open to that.


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