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Larrylou'smom 11-19-2007 07:42 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=xanadu2;3314303]Hi LLM,

Glad you are still here! :wave: I did wonder if the last post before one would make a few people who can't grasp my take on the single life think again, but no, they are somewhere else.

Actually the course this thread took threw even me off track. I was going to say something completely different, about how my life shaped up after the way my parents treated me, and hopefully I'll have a go tomorrow.[/QUOTE]

Yes, I think I get where you were going with the analogy. I think matters of the heart though, are different than material things and such. Strictly speaking for myself and no one else, I don't want a relationship for the status, or for the social standing. It's just, like I said before, you have your lovely mountains, and they do the trick for you and I think that's great, but I think that's an ability not all of us have. I've searched for 10 years and haven't found anything like your mountains that do it for me. Nothing gives me even a tiny little bit of joy. Nothing is even a fairly close second to being in the arms of the man I love, talking, watching the sun set, just breathing, feeling another person's presence, warmth, and knowing they are yours and you are theirs. There's a peace, a serenity, a grouding and feeling of center and acceptance and belonging and normalcy that nothing else I've ever known comes close to matching. I really wish I had never experienced that actually, because it spoiled me for pretty much anything else life has to offer. I'm just so....I tried to think of the word that best describes it today, and I think it's bored. I'm just so darn bored with life. I'm sick and tired of life alone, regardless of whether Im at a concert, out on the town, relaxing at home, taking a nice walk down a prettty country path with the leaves changing, it's still boring, it's old hat and I just can't make myself get interested. I'm sick and tired and just bored with living life alone. What else can I say? And the more people try to tell me "go out and do this, try doing that" the more irritated and sick and tired and exhausted I get. None of it is any good. It's just all so boring and "been there done that." Hmmmmm...guess we all just have to find our own individual mountain. Takes longer for some, maybe.

lostsoul12 11-19-2007 10:41 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Hi Xandau I have been browsing this thread but have just remained silent
I really don't have much to say, and whatever I can say about singlehood is pretty depressing that it's better not worth mentioning. JennyLee123 I know EXACTLY how you feel about having friends who are in relationships and not being able to contact them because they are doing more exciting things with their boyfriends/husbands. Most of my friends are all in relationships also and I am the "single" one. I also don't contact a lot of my friends because again, they don't have time to spend with me or if they do, I have no interest being the "third wheel" hanging out with them and there significant other. I am so happy that my friends have found love but just as deeply hurt inside that as everyone in my age group/social circle has found love--and what have I found? depression. I just feel like I am at the verge of hitting some expired eggs. I have just gave up and am just sick and tired of all of this. If something is going to happen then it just will. I can't control anything and quit setting goals and giving myself false hope along time ago on hoping that my single loveless self will dissapear one day. As far as relationships thriving in the 20s age group, I don't know about that, I have never had luck with that and still don't as I am getting close to 30...my thriving has been on being all alone. You are right, it is just easier for some people than others. I also have had very bad luck. The thing for me is that most men I meet don't even want a serious relationship-all they want is some fling and that's it or they are not my type. I have only had one relationship all my life and was single till I hit 23. Even that one relationship took so much effort to begin in the first place and it also started off as a fling type. If you are in your early 20's your still really really young. I also thought I would never ever find love. But I did, even though it dissapeared and was just a tease, I did find it at the age of 23 and it only lasted for about 2.5 years but I had the chance to experience such an amazing feeling. I guess thats why it hurts a lot more now, to know what that feeling is like and no longer have it and have the desire to crave it. I am sure with time, you will also find love, your words remind me a lot about how I felt in my early twenties and sadly, I feel the exact same way now years later.

LoL I would always tell my ex "you don't have to worry about me leaving you or ever cheating on you because even if I wanted to it would take me another 23+years to even find someone to do that!" It just amazes me how some people can just easily jump from one relationship to another so easily and develop relationships out of it (not just flings). And as far as the finding a sex partner thing, honestly lately that idea has crossed my mind several times. I know if I wanted ot find a sex partner only, that would be SUPER easy. Where as finding someone who could give me a meaningful relationship is like being sturck by lightning for me. I already see myself as the single, childless, marriageless, loveless, person but I don't have to be sexless now do I? All I need to do is go to a bar and meet some men and the chances of finding a fling is pretty easy. But I know deep down inside that is not something I want to do. I know I deserve a lot more than just some sex partner and you also deserve more. I know it can be hard to cope with the single feeling to want to do this to fill a void but what will happen if you meet someone and develop a fling type of relationship only and maybe start to get attached to them? develop feelings? the end result can also be painful if they don't have the same feelings for you as they may have seen this as a fling only relationship. Also, I am very scared of catching an STD an stuff and casual encounters are high risk for those. I know it can be hard to cope, but I would encourage you to take part in whatever is around you and if something is meant to be it will just happen. I don't know what you do, but if you are a student, then maybe take part in any organizations your school has/hobbies that interest (this is a good way to meet other people and make friends-and who knows maybe some of them maybe single) also trying to focus on other things in life that you appreciate and enjoy can also be helpful and serve as a distraction from the singlehood. This has helped me a little bit. As I am so frustrated with my singlehood, I just continue on with what I can control and would like to work on besides my singlehood, such as going to the gym, taking care of my health, and engaging in acitvities that I like such as cooking and painting. I know it's hard to cope, I have had a terrible year with so much other stuff happening that this singlehood loveless nonsense is just not doing me any good but destroying so many of my dreams. I wish I had the magic words to take away this pain but I don't. But I can say, that "you're not alone".

JennyLee123 11-20-2007 05:18 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=lostsoul12;3314748]Hi Xandau I have been browsing this thread but have just remained silent
I really don't have much to say, and whatever I can say about singlehood is pretty depressing that it's better not worth mentioning. JennyLee123 I know EXACTLY how you feel about having friends who are in relationships and not being able to contact them because they are doing more exciting things with their boyfriends/husbands. Most of my friends are all in relationships also and I am the "single" one. I also don't contact a lot of my friends because again, they don't have time to spend with me or if they do, I have no interest being the "third wheel" hanging out with them and there significant other. I am so happy that my friends have found love but just as deeply hurt inside that as everyone in my age group/social circle has found love--and what have I found? depression. I just feel like I am at the verge of hitting some expired eggs. I have just gave up and am just sick and tired of all of this. If something is going to happen then it just will. I can't control anything and quit setting goals and giving myself false hope along time ago on hoping that my single loveless self will dissapear one day. As far as relationships thriving in the 20s age group, I don't know about that, I have never had luck with that and still don't as I am getting close to 30...my thriving has been on being all alone. You are right, it is just easier for some people than others. I also have had very bad luck. The thing for me is that most men I meet don't even want a serious relationship-all they want is some fling and that's it or they are not my type. I have only had one relationship all my life and was single till I hit 23. Even that one relationship took so much effort to begin in the first place and it also started off as a fling type. If you are in your early 20's your still really really young. I also thought I would never ever find love. But I did, even though it dissapeared and was just a tease, I did find it at the age of 23 and it only lasted for about 2.5 years but I had the chance to experience such an amazing feeling. I guess thats why it hurts a lot more now, to know what that feeling is like and no longer have it and have the desire to crave it. I am sure with time, you will also find love, your words remind me a lot about how I felt in my early twenties and sadly, I feel the exact same way now years later.

LoL I would always tell my ex "you don't have to worry about me leaving you or ever cheating on you because even if I wanted to it would take me another 23+years to even find someone to do that!" It just amazes me how some people can just easily jump from one relationship to another so easily and develop relationships out of it (not just flings). And as far as the finding a sex partner thing, honestly lately that idea has crossed my mind several times. I know if I wanted ot find a sex partner only, that would be SUPER easy. Where as finding someone who could give me a meaningful relationship is like being sturck by lightning for me. I already see myself as the single, childless, marriageless, loveless, person but I don't have to be sexless now do I? All I need to do is go to a bar and meet some men and the chances of finding a fling is pretty easy. But I know deep down inside that is not something I want to do. I know I deserve a lot more than just some sex partner and you also deserve more. I know it can be hard to cope with the single feeling to want to do this to fill a void but what will happen if you meet someone and develop a fling type of relationship only and maybe start to get attached to them? develop feelings? the end result can also be painful if they don't have the same feelings for you as they may have seen this as a fling only relationship. Also, I am very scared of catching an STD an stuff and casual encounters are high risk for those. I know it can be hard to cope, but I would encourage you to take part in whatever is around you and if something is meant to be it will just happen. I don't know what you do, but if you are a student, then maybe take part in any organizations your school has/hobbies that interest (this is a good way to meet other people and make friends-and who knows maybe some of them maybe single) also trying to focus on other things in life that you appreciate and enjoy can also be helpful and serve as a distraction from the singlehood. This has helped me a little bit. As I am so frustrated with my singlehood, I just continue on with what I can control and would like to work on besides my singlehood, such as going to the gym, taking care of my health, and engaging in acitvities that I like such as cooking and painting. I know it's hard to cope, I have had a terrible year with so much other stuff happening that this singlehood loveless nonsense is just not doing me any good but destroying so many of my dreams. I wish I had the magic words to take away this pain but I don't. But I can say, that "you're not alone".[/QUOTE]


I'm glad there's someone else out there who feels like I do.

I will tell you I've tried the doing hobbies by myself. I would walk downtown by myself, catch the bus and visit museums and while the scenery was very nice it never filled that void. It's gonna always be there no matter what I do.

Lately, I don't know how I am going to meet a guy because I work 8 1/2 hours a day and then I go to school & repeat the same thing over agian through the week. There hasn't been one guy that I've clicked with. I thought by this age I would have been in a serious relationship but so far nothing. I don't even know where to go to meet men. i'm really scared for my future..

the space pixie 11-20-2007 05:32 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
this was to jennylee123 message about not speaking to friends in relationships . . . i'm really sorry that you feel you have to shut out friends just because they are in a relationship and happy . . . i always thought a true friend was there no matter what !

I do understand your feelings . . . a was married very young and my marriage fell apart. I had a friends which were married and single, and i watched all of my single friends fall in love and marry, and i shared in their happiness , i was happy for them . . . . eventually in my early thirties i met someone and i remarried but i am still very close to all of my friends i had before . . . why sit at home feeling sorry for yourself when you can actually be out there with your friends and being happy for them !

love will come to you when you least expect it, but not when your sitting at home on your own !

bulletproof 11-20-2007 06:05 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
You have to give love to get love. That means in all areas of your life. If you are avoiding coupled friends and moping, then that negativity is what you will get back. And the poster who said she has 'bad luck'? There is really no such thing as good luck or bad luck. Luck is what we create. I hope you find the strength to make your lives what you wish them to be.

Larrylou'smom 11-20-2007 06:25 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=the space pixie;3314938]this was to jennylee123 message about not speaking to friends in relationships . . . i'm really sorry that you feel you have to shut out friends just because they are in a relationship and happy . . . i always thought a true friend was there no matter what !

I do understand your feelings . . . a was married very young and my marriage fell apart. I had a friends which were married and single, and i watched all of my single friends fall in love and marry, and i shared in their happiness , i was happy for them . . . . eventually in my early thirties i met someone and i remarried but i am still very close to all of my friends i had before . . . why sit at home feeling sorry for yourself when you can actually be out there with your friends and being happy for them !

love will come to you when you least expect it, but not when your sitting at home on your own ![/QUOTE]


I think you were very lucky to have had good friends who loved you and wanted to be with you no matter what. It's just not always the case unfortunately. I've experienced it, my friends and co-workers have experienced it, my brother's experienced it, no matter how close you are to someone, when they get a SO, they disappear. They stop returning your phone calls, they're always too busy to do things with you, all their time and attention goes to their SO relationship, they never want to go out anymore, the two of them just want to stay in and relax, and after the kids come, forgetabatit!! They can't get a sitter, the kids are sick, they're always too tired to come over to your place or for you to go over to their place, etc. It happens. It's just a fact of life.

I think it's great you had such good friends who didn't take a powder and were still there for you even though they got coupled up.

lostsoul12 11-20-2007 09:45 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=bulletproof;3314977]You have to give love to get love. That means in all areas of your life. If you are avoiding coupled friends and moping, then that negativity is what you will get back. And the poster who said she has 'bad luck'? There is really no such thing as good luck or bad luck. Luck is what we create. I hope you find the strength to make your lives what you wish them to be.[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with you that you have to give love to get love and similar things like you have to respect others to gain respect and so forth. As far as me, I would not say that I am avoiding my friends, but even if I reach out them they are not available because there schedules are filled with plans wih significant others, can't find a babysitter, etc. It's like what a few others have mentioned, once they get coupled up they begin to dissapear, and the funny thing I noticed is they only return (start to return phone calls, want to hang out) when they are having a problem with there significant other or just broke up with them. And yes, there are a few out there who will stick by your side regardless if they are coupled up or not-and I am lucky to have a few friends who do that. I am happy for all my friends, even if they don't return my calls, even if they don't hang out with me because they have plans with a significant other, I happy because they have found what I don't have--love. Heck if love isn't set in my path, then let's hope it's not like that for everyone. I consider myself as a dedicated and faithful person and always willing to help out friends and family in need, but still love will not come to me-only depression. And yeah JennyLee, I know how you feel, the void will be there no matter what. I am sorry I can't give you and insight on that-as I am also in the exact same spot. I don't know how long I will be able to last this type of lifestyle. I try and try so hard to do those "cliches" folks tell me-but it just doesn't cut it. I also thought that by this age I would be in some relationship. It can be so hard because all my friends are in relationships and lately most of them have been getting engaed, setting up wedding dates, having baby showers and so forth and all of that just reminds me how far I am away from that and just how alone I really am. I wish I had the aswers you are looking for, but I'm sorry I don't. :confused:

bulletproof 11-20-2007 10:11 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
If only depression is coming to you, then something is very wrong. Have you seen a therapist? Statements such as not seeing 'how long' you can last in 'this lifestyle' sound very serious.

The fact that you told your ex-bf (while he was still your bf) that it would take you another 23 years to find someone is very telling. That's a lot of pressure to put on another person. Maybe this type of behavior has affected your ability to sustain a relationship?

Friends grow apart for all sorts of reasons, not just when an SO comes into the picture. Yes, sometimes we have to make an extra effort to see friends that have families. To me, it's worth it. Their boyfriends and husbands have friends, relatives, co-workers, all people I could meet and date. And it's happened for me many times. Removing yourself from society and being miserable gets you nowhere.

We all had expectations of what our lives 'should' have been. Sometimes the reality is not what we thought, but that doesn't mean we have to become negative and unhappy, or that we can't put our lives back on the right track. Stop measuring yourself against other peoples' situations. You're not even thirty yet. There is still more than enough time to have children, and you have your whole life to meet someone. Deciding you'll be alone forever when you've barely lived a third of your life is kind of jumping the gun.

Larrylou'smom 11-20-2007 10:11 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Well, I do happen to believe in, well, not "luck" exactly, but I think there's a reason why you can take two people, and they can act exactly the same way, wear they same clothes, smile the same way, do all the same things, and one gets the job or gets the guy, and the other doesn't. I do believe there are things out there beyond our control, especially when it comes to another human being's free will. You can be the most outgoing, smiley, loving, giving, respectful person in the world, but you still can't control whether someone is going to love you or want to date you or not. You can drive yourself absolutely mad with that "if I really have totaly control over this, then what am I missing? Did I show too much cleavage? Not enough? Did I laugh too much? NOt enough? Did I tell too many jokes? Not enough jokes? Did I not have enough eye contact? Too much eye contact? Should I have paid? Was I a ba** buster because I DID pay? Should I have called him? Did I not call him enough? Did I smother him? Was I too aloof? Did I have food in my teeth? Did I come off as neurotic because I was trying to casually get the food out of my teeth? Did I cross my arms? Was I relaxed? was I too relaxed and had sloppy posture?"

The list is literally endless and you will make yourself absolutely nuts if you don't let go and accept that there are some things you have no control over and it does have to do with luck, fate, fortune, or whatever you want to call things that you have no control over.

Don't let it drive you nuts. I'm very secure in myself that I am as loving, giving, open hearted and warm as I'm capable of being without being smothering, annoying, neurotic or needy. Whether someone responds to it or not is totally up to the Lord. I trust Him to know what He's doing to make sure I have what I'm supposed to have. I may not be happy, I may not even be content, I may never know love, I may spend the rest of my life miserable and lonely, I may meet someone, I don't know. I just know I'll have what I'm supposed to have.

JennyLee123 11-20-2007 10:14 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
I started to avoid my friend because I felt like at times she was flaunting her relationship in my face a little. I tried being a good sport and I would visit her while her boyfriend was over there, and try to be good company & remain patient while they left the room several times to go fool around or how we'll all be in the same room and the two of them will be entirely focused on each other--and I'd just be there feeling shut out. I tried to be understanding and say to myself "well she's in love" but after awhile it just got really irritating. To me her behavior was just starting to get downright tacky. She even ditched me on my birthday for her boyfriend. :(

Her boyfriend was much more important than any friendship. She even got very arrogant and talked down towards single women by saying "I don't need to go to clubs I have what they are looking for. I have a man". Her ego got too big.


Whenever I called her I felt like I was intruding on something because she would be with her boyfriend. The few times she picked up the phone when she was with him, there would this tension. She never stayed on the phone for long partly because told me that her boyfriend would rush her off the phone whenever her friend's would call. I started to hate the two of them together and would wish taht they would break up. So far they are still together after a year. And I am still single:(

I just view two people in love as being self absorbed. I also hate how some couples will brag about how they have what other people may never find. it's irritating and it depresses me at the same time because i am single

JennyLee123 11-20-2007 10:18 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Also when she got a boyfriend she said that if I continue to act "weird" I'll never find a man. That really ticked me off. :mad: Sometimes when women get into relationships they start to think they are better than single women.

lostsoul12 11-20-2007 10:24 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
thanks bulletproof I needed to hear that:angel:
and no I did not tell him the years (23) to find someone just the rest of the part. and yes, I am in therapy.

Larrylou'smom 11-20-2007 10:29 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3315314]Also when she got a boyfriend she said that if I continue to act "weird" I'll never find a man. That really ticked me off. :mad: Sometimes when women get into relationships they start to think they are better than single women.[/QUOTE]

What did she mean "act weird??" That wasn't very nice, mainly because it wasn't constructive at all. Yeah, if she's not going to give you specifics, how it comes off and help you figure out exactly what to do to remedy it, she should really just keep her yap shut.

bulletproof 11-20-2007 11:00 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
JLee, I don't think your problem is being single. I think your problem is the company you keep. Adults in healthy relationships don't leave a room to fool around. I haven't seen that since high school. Maybe if you cultivate more mature friendships you won't have such a dismal impression of people that are in love.

GypsyArcher 11-20-2007 11:43 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE]JLee, I don't think your problem is being single. I think your problem is the company you keep. Adults in healthy relationships don't leave a room to fool around [/QUOTE]

Ditto. No offense Jenny Lee, but this particular friend that you speak of sounds a little bit cloudy in the head. I think she sounds rather insecure, and has made the fact that she has a boyfriend out to be some kind of great acheivement. Anyone can find a boyfriend, big wow.

[QUOTE]She never stayed on the phone for long partly because told me that her boyfriend would rush her off the phone whenever her friend's would call[/QUOTE]

That's nice, a controlling guy who tells her how long she can talk on the phone. We should all be so lucky to find a guy like that. Instead of feeling hatred, you should feel pity for your friend and worry about her...her relationship is not healthy and it could be a lot worse than you know.


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