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Larrylou'smom 12-01-2007 03:22 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Laylah;3330444] I have [I]NEVER[/I] been intimately involved with a man, nor accepted a friend into my life, nor even [I]come across[/I] very many people who wouldn't take the time to do such a simple thing for somebody... anybody!

I really don't mean to be hurtful here LLM, and I am genuinely sorry to have to say this; but decency is more commonplace than you seem to realise and if this is how you measure the goodness inherent to this man I think it's time you reevaluated your ideas about what makes a person special. :([/QUOTE]

No, you're not being hurtful at all. There may be plenty of people out there who would show this amount of kindness to anybody on the street, I've just never met any. The guy who dropped my key in the first place surely didn't. No, decency is not more commonplace that I REALIZE, it's more commonplace than I have EXPERIENCED. There's a pretty big difference. What you said here,

"My sister (only about a month ago) came home from work at 2am and made up a packet of sandwiches and heated soup in a flask for some poor character waiting on the footpath for an airport bus that apparently wasn't due to arrive for a further two hours. My sister inquired what she was doing sitting at the side of the road at 2am and promptly ran back down to that girl with hot soup and sandwiches when all she wanted to do was get into her bed at the end of a long shift at work."

See, you think this kind of thing is commonplace, but I have never met ANYONE who would have done this, who even would have thought of doing this, except maybe my ex. He could be this type of person sometimes, but ironically, he's the only person I've known in my life who would do something like what your sister said. I play in a band with a co worker and we were rehearsing in a church when this pregnant woman came in near tears and said she and her kids had driven from Minnesota and she had lost her wallet, her credit cards and money, etc. and could we help. The other band members directed her to the police station down the street, she said she'd already been and there wasn't much they could do. I got the feeling she just needed some cash for gas, food, whatever. If I had been alone, I might have offered her a 20$ bill, but the other band members were being very stand offish to her, telling her to try the police station again, and then turning their backs and continuing loading up the equipment. She left and they locked the door behind her, and the next week one guy even made a joke about it, and these are Christian church going people. I told my co worker the next day I had felt bad about not giving her some money. And she said "well, you can feel bad about it if you want, but let me just say, there will always be people like that and you can't help them all." No I can't help them all, but I could have helped that one. I decided the next time I was faced with a situation like that, I would offer help and some money no matter what others around me are saying or doing, because that's who I want to be. Now, my co worker is ver nice and generous to ME, just not in general. So I hate to say it, but the kindness your sister showed, at least in my experience, is indeed very very rare and uncommon.

And no, I no longer waste time with selfish people who aren't kind, respectful and giving. Which is why I spend so much of my time alone.

Like I said, the key thing was just one small example. I guess I used a bad one. But no, that one little example is not how I measure goodness in anyone, or my ex. He had goodness in him because he could be more generous than the average bear, oh, I could sit here and type for an hour or so about the things that made him kind and sweet, but, no, just suffice it to say, it wasn't any one thing, but millions of tiny little things, he just had a really sweet, sensitive side, and most of all, I could talk to him, like I could never talk to anyone else. He heard me, was really the first person I'd ever met in my whole life who actually heard me. I could be in the worst mood, or upset about something bad that had just happened, and I'd talk to him for 5 minutes and I'd feel just fine again. But I've also learned from him not only what to look for in a potential date/ relationship, but also what to avoid, so in that respect it was a very beneficial learning experience.

Rose, yes, it's been suggested by others that perhaps he was bi-polar or something like it. I don't think it was quite that severe, I personally think it was at least in part, PTSD. The thing is, he was also just in a really unhappy place in his life and I think that had a lot to do with it. It just hurts when our mutual friend related stories of how he gets along with his wife, and he makes allowances for her, compromises for her, does things for her, shows her a loyalty and a devotion that he didn't give to me, and even though it's none of my business and has nothing to do with who I am, of course I can't help but wonder at least a little bit about how much of that was me not being "worthy" of it. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he was someone special to me, and it does hurt to know that I was wrong when I thought I was special to him, too, that he saw me just like everyone else in the world sees me, annoying, a bit silly, cute, funny and amusing, but no one of real significance, and not someone you want in your life in a major, deeply emotionally intimate way. But since he's the only man I've ever met in my life who actually wanted to go out with me more than once that I wasn't totally repulsed by, it's not so easy to just write it off and get on with things. It's a little like being blind your whole life, then having sight for one day, and then going blind again. No matter what you saw, good bad, beautiful or ugly, whatever you saw will be burned in your brain for the rest of your life.

Also, let's keep in mind guys, this place is sort of like the wailing wall of the internet. Most of us come here for the express purpose of whining, crying, pi$$ing and moaning and complaining and revealing the deepest, darkest, buried deep down parts of what we don't talk about to anyone else. What you read here is not all there is to the people who write here.

Larrylou'smom 12-01-2007 03:31 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3330410]That's *exactly* what it is. I've been told that I am not fun enough because I don't drink, smoke or go clubbing every night. Some guys have even described me as being bourgeis. Being wholesome is not exactly going to win you a lot of dates even if you are really pretty. Sure, I get some guys who appear interested and wouldn't mind sleeping with me but they don't put in a lot of effort because I don't exude that crazy and extroverted vibe. this is something that i have been very insecure about. i even beat myself up over it. i thought going to a bar and having a few drinks by myself, easily weaning myself onto drinking and stuff to make myself appear more approachable and less bourgeis.

my ex friend who i was envious of because she had a boyfriend was defintely batsh1t crazy and a troublemaker. she'd tell me stories of how she cursed out some old guy in mcdonald's or almost got into a fight with the manager at burger king. her boyfriend is the complete opposite, he's attractive, calm, very lazy but if he saw his potential he'd be in a better place than he is now. and i never saw what he got in my friend. she's not that pretty yet she's crazy. you'd think he'd at least settle for a girl who was at least a hottie but crazy. oh well..[/QUOTE]

There's nothing at all with being wholesome. There are few people more goody goody than me. I don't drink at all, don't smoke, run from drugs like the plague, even pot, I'm 42 and still a virgin. But this is who I am, and yes I've taken a tremendous amount of kidding, teasing, razzing about it and people have tried to change me, get to "loosen up" etc. I am what works for me, what I am most comfortable with and what makes the most sense to me. Being with someone who can't appreciate who you are when you are being the you that YOU love the most, well, that person isn't worth being with anyway.

Keep your head up and keep searching until you find the right kind of men, men who will love, cherish and truly appreciate who you really are.

Laylah 12-01-2007 06:31 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3330913]Also, let's keep in mind guys, this place is sort of like the wailing wall of the internet. Most of us come here for the express purpose of whining, crying, pi$$ing and moaning and complaining and revealing the deepest, darkest, buried deep down parts of what we don't talk about to anyone else. What you read here is not all there is to the people who write here.[/QUOTE]

Firstly, I understand this totally; I've said things on here I'd never consider discussing in my day to day life, so I know anyone drawing conclusions about who I am based solely on my own healthboards threads wouldn't be painting an accurate picture of me in their minds.

[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3330913] I play in a band with a co worker and we were rehearsing in a church when this pregnant woman came in near tears and said she and her kids had driven from Minnesota and she had lost her wallet, her credit cards and money, etc. and could we help. The other band members directed her to the police station down the street, she said she'd already been and there wasn't much they could do. I got the feeling she just needed some cash for gas, food, whatever. If I had been alone, I might have offered her a 20$ bill, but the other band members were being very stand offish to her, telling her to try the police station again, and then turning their backs and continuing loading up the equipment. She left and they locked the door behind her, and the next week one guy even made a joke about it, and these are Christian church going people. [/QUOTE]

They are church going people LLM, but that doesn't automatically make them Christians. They don't sound like practicing Christians to me, they sound like practicing hypocrites, because anybody who can treat a pregnant woman like that, while she's standing there in tears appealing for help with a car full of kids and not a cent to her name and obviously regards going to the church looking for a bit of Christian charity as her last resort, I don't even know what to say; that's * ing disgraceful and they are total hypocrites if they can behave like that in a house of God.

I think you've established that decency is pretty thin on the ground where you live and it sounds to me like it is actually colouring your perceptions of people in a negative way. Maybe you should move?

JennyLee123 12-01-2007 10:19 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3330921]There's nothing at all with being wholesome. There are few people more goody goody than me. I don't drink at all, don't smoke, run from drugs like the plague, even pot, I'm 42 and still a virgin. But this is who I am, and yes I've taken a tremendous amount of kidding, teasing, razzing about it and people have tried to change me, get to "loosen up" etc. I am what works for me, what I am most comfortable with and what makes the most sense to me. Being with someone who can't appreciate who you are when you are being the you that YOU love the most, well, that person isn't worth being with anyway.

Keep your head up and keep searching until you find the right kind of men, men who will love, cherish and truly appreciate who you really are.[/QUOTE]

I'm still learning how to accept myself. I have a long way to go. I am even under the pressure of my parents to be more like a 'young person' I don't know they are always griping about why I dont go out and party all the time yet they will chastize me if I'm not doing well in school and 'getting it together'. It's like which is it?

I am an introvert and enjoy doing things like going to the mall, the library or just staying at home and relaxing. If I am at home my dad will walk past my room and make comments saying "why are you just staring at the tv like that? you must have a mental problem" for the longest he kept telling my mother that I was mentally ill because I am always at home in my room. I thought this was normal?? I don't stay in my room 24/7, but I will honestly admit the days that I am off from work or not in school, I really love to just crash in my room the whole day. When I work overtime, and have extra money I don't stay home at all. I am usually out at the mall buying things like makeup, clothes and getting my hair done. I am home more often when I am "broke". Still, my dad will claim that I don't do anything despite the fact that there has been many times where i have been gone the entire day from 12-11pm at night. i think he does this to irritate me

I did go through a social slump where there wasn't much for me to do but go to work and then go to school. I kinda lost touch with friends for awhile. I don't know why my parents, particularly my dad made this out to be such a tragedy. He really made me feel bad about myself. Like there is something wrong with being myself which is a bit introverted at times. He always talks about what he did when he was younger, saying how he used to go out every night. When he did this, it would give me great anxiety about my own youth. so I started going places everyday..to the museum, walking downtown by myself just trying to get out there more. this still did not satisfy him. because one day that i decided to stay home and rest he would complain about how i don't go anywhere even though i've been occupied with other things the entire week--work or school.

let's not even get on my love life. i was a "lesbian" for awhile because i didn't have a boyfriend. he started telling my mom that my ex best friend was my girlfriend and said that it wasn't normal for us to hang out so much. so you can clearly see why i am often confused and have anxiety about what i should be fulfiling in my life during my early 20s there is really no pleasing my parents. if i stay home too much then i am mentally ill, and if i go out with a friend all the time this person is my 'lover'.

i cannot wait until I gather enough money to move out so i can feel free to just be myself

JennyLee123 12-01-2007 10:24 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Another thing, the married guy at work who is interested in me tells me that I am not like most young people. Saying that most people in my age group would not be working all the time, they'd be finding ways to go out with their friends. he told me not to be offended by this but i am. I just have this anxiety that I am wasting my youth away. I am trying to build a career for myself so I won't be 30 and have nothing to show for all the hardwork I've done throughout the years..yet at the same time I want to enjoy myself.

GypsyArcher 12-01-2007 11:53 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE]And you reckon you got it from that bloke who got into it on the phone with another woman while you'd just been making out on the bed?

I'm sorry Gypsy, but I'd honestly rather go celibate than get involved with the type of guys you described in that last post![/QUOTE]

No, that's why I went out into the hallway and kissed another guy ;)

See, the crux of my problem is that when I pick out a boyfriend, I do it based on how much of a stir I can cause. I don't consider if we are compatible, I just think of how much the union will be talked about. I hear "What are you doing with HIM??" all of the time, and that's because I always have my own secret motives. That's why I've gotten involved with someone a lot younger than me, someone a lot older than me, a famous musician, and some other ones that I won't divulge. I eye up a group of guys and instead of going for the one that looks the most sane and put together, I'll go after whichever one looks the most "interesting" and will have people scratching their heads. Hey, I like drama too. I can't stand to be bored.

But my point was, even though the men I chase are always in some way incompatible from the get go, I would never and have never put up with being abused or cheated on. I don't have a sixth sense that lets me know before I get into a relationship whether the person is going to get all wonky on me or not. Like with that particular ex, he swept me off my feet and it took me awhile to realize that he was not over his ex. I have stayed in less than ideal relationships but that was only because I was getting something out of it and I felt that the ends justified the means, like my most recent ex who is annoying and repeats himself a lot but gives me money.

My post was mainly tongue in cheek, but I am truly baffled as to why ladies like LLM's and xanadu cannot seem to find a boyfriend. I don't know what you mean by "type of guys I describe." I really don't judge people and as long as I know they are not a bad person, I will get them a go.

JennyLee, you are most certainly not mentally ill. Just live your life however YOU want to live it and enjoy yourself. That's all.

Laylah 12-01-2007 02:35 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3331442]See, the crux of my problem is that when I pick out a boyfriend, I do it based on how much of a stir I can cause. I don't consider if we are compatible, I just think of how much the union will be talked about. [/QUOTE]

I'm sorry to hear of any young woman choosing her partners tailored to elicit a particular public response. To be honest I think it is probably the most foolish and infantile reason why anybody would choose a partner, and honestly, it’s not something I’d expect to hear out of the mouth of anyone other than perhaps a particularly attention-starved thirteen year old child.

Larrylou'smom 12-01-2007 05:07 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3331337]Another thing, the married guy at work who is interested in me tells me that I am not like most young people. Saying that most people in my age group would not be working all the time, they'd be finding ways to go out with their friends. he told me not to be offended by this but i am. I just have this anxiety that I am wasting my youth away. I am trying to build a career for myself so I won't be 30 and have nothing to show for all the hardwork I've done throughout the years..yet at the same time I want to enjoy myself.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry your folks aren't more supportive of you and put that kind of pressure on you. i suppose they mean well, but sometimes parents, in their zeal to see us have 'the best' they do things that aren't ultimately in our best interests. I know I became a LOT saner once I moved out of my parents' home. It took a while for me as well, but yes, absolutely living on your own, making your own rules, taking responsibility for yourself and your own actions, will definitely feel totally different. You will find a healthier place.

In the meantime, I guess the best advice I can give you for now, is just listen to your own heart and as long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, do whatever pleases you. But of course, balance is the key. I wouldn't say it's necessarily unhealthy to spend so much time alone, but it does show a lack of balance in your life. Perhaps you'd feel a bit better and wouldn't feel like you're squandering your youth if you worked toward finding a better balance. Don't spend all your time alone, don't spend all your time working, don't spend all your time with your friends, or with one particular friend. Mix it up a bit. Play when you can, work when you should, meet new people when you get the chance, etc.

GypsyArcher 12-02-2007 11:15 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Laylah, I really don't understand why you have such a problem with me and seem to take such offense at everything I do. I acknowlegded that choosing partners due to the stir I believe it will cause isn't exactly condusive to finding a compatible, stable partnership. But maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe I don't even believe in love or soul mates or happily ever after. Maybe I just want to enjoy being young, having fun, and stirring the pot a little. So? It's my life. Live and let live :)

Laylah 12-02-2007 11:42 AM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3332477]Laylah, I really don't understand why you have such a problem with me and seem to take such offense at everything I do. I acknowlegded that choosing partners due to the stir I believe it will cause isn't exactly condusive to finding a compatible, stable partnership. But maybe I'm not ready for that. Maybe I don't even believe in love or soul mates or happily ever after. Maybe I just want to enjoy being young, having fun, and stirring the pot a little. So? It's my life. Live and let live :)[/QUOTE]

I don't have a personal problem with you Gypsy, and I reckon it'd be a bit hard to cultivate one across the width of the Atlantic ocean! I don't have a problem with "everything" you do either; I just think that the method of choosing partners with the intention of "causing a stir" is about the most childish thing I've ever heard.

You obviously don't appreciate my saying that, but I'm not saying it with the intention of causing offence, that is just my honest opinion on that reason (if you could even call it a reason) for forming a relationship Gyspy.

JennyLee123 12-02-2007 01:05 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
Another friend of mine has a boyfriend. It's official I am the ONLY person left who is single.

And I'm jealous, too. I don't think I want to be her friend anymore.

xanadu2 12-02-2007 03:56 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3330130] My boyfriend on the other hand, who wasn't even the one who had dropped the key, and who was concerned about me and my car rather than being inconvenieced by my car being outside his house, and who gladly gave me a ride whenever I really needed it, went out on the porch with a coat hanger and spent several minutes fishing my key out from under the porch. I didn't even ask him to. Like I've said, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he had a goodness in him that is rare and very very hard to find.

It just kills that I had that and blew it and lost it. Forgiveness is a big part of letting go and moving on. I haven't figured out how to forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps that cost me a good man, that made the difference between the life I have and the life I could have had.[/QUOTE]


LLM [quote] My boyfriend on the other hand, who wasn't even the one who had dropped the key, and who was concerned about me and my car rather than being inconvenieced by my car being outside his house, and who gladly gave me a ride whenever I really needed it, went out on the porch with a coat hanger and spent several minutes fishing my key out from under the porch. I didn't even ask him to. Like I've said, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he had a goodness in him that is rare and very very hard to find. [/quote]

What have I stated here? ;) It seems to be the hottest thread on the board and I haven't caught up on all the posts yet! ;)

LLM,

But why is this goodness so hard to find?

Round here there are any number of people who would do that, and more. A week ago my motorbike developed a problem and I was over 25 miles from home. A kind lady had invited me in to telephone the roadside rescue services from her house, but it got dark while I waited. The bike actually has two problems, the one that was fixed and also a tendency to wobble at speed, which is taxing my mechanic. I can ride safely by daylight on narrow country lanes with next to no traffic, but by night I can ride into mud and potholes I would avoid if I could see them. I need to follow the white line down the centre of bigger roads, where I have to go faster, but until it is cured the wobble makes that scary.

25 miles in darkness is not something I would normally do, but when the lady suggested I should ring a friend, the nearest friend I could contact came to the rescue. He put my motorbike in the back of his 4x4. There is no direct route to my home so we went back by a roundabout way over the hills, and he telephoned a third friend who drove to my house to help him get the bike out. Then of course both had to go back home again. I have of course let them know exactly how grateful I am, but the point is that around here that sort of kindness and helpfulness is normal! :angel: :angel: :angel:


Yet it wasn’t like that where I lived before, which is one reason that I love this place so much. :angel:

I often have the feeling you are surrounded by fairly unpleasant people. You know more about that than I do, but I don’t see why you have to suffer so much because you think that kindness is so rare. :confused:

You know I hate to make suggestions because you have been pestered to death by people saying you should try this that and the other. I take the point you made before about it being too stressful to weigh every aspect of body language, but this time I wonder about the people in the place where you live. You know what it is that ties you there, such as work, family and housing, but if it were not for that, I wonder how you would fare in a friendlier society? :angel:

rosequartz 12-03-2007 01:51 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3332604]Another friend of mine has a boyfriend. It's official I am the ONLY person left who is single.

And I'm jealous, too. I don't think I want to be her friend anymore.[/QUOTE]

wow now that sounds like something a 13 year old would say

Larrylou'smom 12-03-2007 02:27 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=JennyLee123;3332604]Another friend of mine has a boyfriend. It's official I am the ONLY person left who is single.

And I'm jealous, too. I don't think I want to be her friend anymore.[/QUOTE]

I could understand this if she were being cruel and insensitive about it, rubbing it in your face, mock pity and all that, going out of her way to make you feel bad about being single, poking fun, etc. If she is, she's not much of a friend.

But don't be so quick to end friendships because it's become painful or awkward being the "third wheel." Remember, her boyfriend has friends, co workers, maybe brothers, cousins, etc. Don't let your pain and embarrassment at being single cut you off from a friendship if it's still otherwise good. Good friends are hard to come by in this life. Your job now is to be single, for whatever reason. So learn what you can from it and use it as an opportunity to grow. It would be a shame for you not to have gotten all there is to get out of being single when Mr. Right finally does come along.

Laylah 12-03-2007 05:19 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3334251] It would be a shame for you not to have gotten all there is to get out of being single when Mr. Right finally does come along.[/QUOTE]

Those sounds like very wise words to me Larrylou'smom. I sometimes wonder what I've missed out on, having not been single all these years.

xanadu2 12-06-2007 10:13 PM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Hi Folks! :wave:

I never guessed what a torrent of responses I would get, even though we did all shoot off at a tangent, me included!

Here is why I think my theory is correct. It’s the way everything hangs together.

My parents gave me the idea that family life is always full of bad stuff, but in ‘happy’ families you must never acknowledge it, just suffer and pretend you are ‘happy’. I got peace and fulfilment escaping to shower love on my favourite horse in the riding school, but that wasn’t the first time in my life I’d found solace in nature. As a junior school child, I’d been bullied, but grew up fascinated by the wildlife on the walk to school and around my home. So I’ve always had the option of loving nature instead of seeking human relationships if I thought the relationships were likely to be dodgy.

Accordingly I grew up very doubtful about boyfriends and marriage, so had none while in this frame of mind, because they never approached me. (Age - teens to mid-twenties.)

Later on, disillusioned by contact with control freaks from the dating agency, I saw relationship as probably sources of trouble that put far too many restrictions on me, and no-one approached me. (Age mid–thirties to mid–forties.)

In between whiles. I was very happy and relaxed on walking holidays. On my third week of such a holiday, I attracted a boyfriend. However, it only lasted for the duration of the holiday. In my early thirties, after finishing with Whinging Pete (dating agency control freak) I was very relaxed and happy and soon attracted a boyfriend, A, for a few months. I was on Cloud 9 at these times. When else was I on Cloud 9 as opposed to normal enjoyment of life? I can’t remember. After all, I had my dad to put up with and where he left off, my subsequent landlady took over! (Shudders!!!) :mad:

In my late 20s I needed a boyfriend, and attracted one – another whinging control freak! I tried the dating agency, and finally attracted Whinging Pete. When A dropped me, I was heartbroken, so needy, and soon attracted another man. I appreciated him for being kind, but kept quiet about our incompatibility.

Later I figured I had a lovely life, travelling abroad every winter. My sex drive was dormant and a man would have been a mere accessory. So, not being needy, I didn’t attract anyone. I must have seen like a challenge to AZ, the ultra-charming sex offender who groomed women before striking! :mad:

While in trauma I was very needy but far too unhappy to attract anyone. B, who helped me heal, never met me in the flesh. He made me see relationships in a different light from before, as true friendship and companionship with a soulmate, instead of as a source of trouble and stress, so I became needy. When he turned out to be married, then later had to stop emailing me because he’d made his wife jealous, I was very needy indeed. Within a few months I met E, my only long-term boyfriend, I knew I had somehow made the relationship happen, but couldn’t figure out before what I’d done.

At first I was really in love with B, but seeking solace with E, who loved me more than I loved him. Gradually I became less needy, then E left me for the other woman.

I also see that five times in my life I’d found myself in a situation that represented imprisonment. On four occasions, breaking out of my prison put me in close contact with a man who seemed to be helping me, so I fell in love with him. However, he was not guaranteed to respond!

The fifth time I was suffering from environmental depression where I was forced to live before, and E was my boyfriend at the time. He suggested where I might like to move to, but I escaped due to inheriting money, to independent freedom living here. :angel:

As I’ve got older the deep caution I felt about relationships because of my parents’ attitudes receded, to become replaced by greater knowledge of divorce rates, marital violence, and the like, so the caution is still there. I am very wary now, because my lovely home in the hills would be in jeopardy if I married without the right legal safeguards in case of divorce. I will never leave this beloved place while there is breath in my body, and that comes before any relationship! :angel:

I ask myself, was I happier with E while I lived in a hateful place, or (after the initial upset) happier here without a man, and the answer is definitely that I am happier here.
(I have heard this misconstrued as ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’, which misses the point completely!)

Over the years I have come to associate the right degree of neediness with deep unhappiness, so don’t know how to make myself needy enough to attract anyone without sabotaging my present happiness!

I could elaborate on this, but that’s enough for now!

Larrylou'smom 12-07-2007 10:15 AM

Re: Long-term single Ive found the answer!
 
Well, Xanadu, I think we all have our own ideas about what exactly constitutes "neediness." I mean, if no one ever needed sex, love, acceptance, comfort and companionship, none of us would be here!! The need for love, intimacy, sex, companionship, is why we have families, and why we are all here. Families aren't always a bad thing, and marriage isn't always a bad thing.

I think it's normal, even healthy, to acknowledge our humanity and admit that we all need acceptance, companionship, love, sex, intimacy, etc. to some degree. It's only human. I think it crosses over into neediness when your peace of mind and happiness is so contingent on having a warm body, any old warm body, next to you that you will sacrifice your self esteem, self respect, dignity, finances, etc. and let another person take a dump all over you just so you can say "I have someone." I'll never be that needy, either.

But I dont' think it's neediness that attracts the opposite sex, in fact just the opposite. I've heard a lot of men say what attracted them to their partner was her independence, her confidence, her strength, etc.

I think you're in the lucky and enviable position to have filled up your life so full of things you love that there just isn't room in it for a romantic partner. That you've found things that feel better to you than sex, than love, than a loving hand to hold, loving eyes smiling into yours, etc. I still cant' imagine what the world might have to offer me that would feel anywhere near as good as all the aforementioned. I suppose I will just have to keep searching. I do also still think, though, that our own personal biology also affects how we each deal with it.

xanadu2 12-07-2007 02:38 PM

Re: Long-term single – I’ve found the answer!
 
[QUOTE=Larrylou'smom;3340550]Well, Xanadu, I think we all have our own ideas about what exactly constitutes "neediness." I mean, if no one ever needed sex, love, acceptance, comfort and companionship, none of us would be here!! The need for love, intimacy, sex, companionship, is why we have families, and why we are all here. Families aren't always a bad thing, and marriage isn't always a bad thing.

[/QUOTE]

Hi LLM, :wave:

I think we probably have different definitions of what constitutes neediness.

However I have lived with a total mystery for the whole of my adult life, and finally I have a theory where all the pieces fit together. So I like it. :angel:


Instead of having to live alone because I have no acceptable choice, I do have a choice. The only thing is, I don't know how to need someone enough for him to become aware of it without making myself miserable.


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