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hurt, confused ... don't know what to do

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Old 11-15-2007, 12:43 PM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Buffalo, NY, USA
Posts: 5
rach512 HB User
Red face hurt, confused ... don't know what to do

I just don't know what to do ... My boyfriend of over 1 1/2 years and I are/were VERY serious -- planning to move in together once I graduate college, he was ready to propose and I was ready to say yes. (fyi we're long distance right now.) We were the 'golden couple.'

The other day he asked me to check something in his e-mail. I saw stuff from a singles website and asked if he had an account. He said no, but I could tell it was a lie. Sure enough, he had THREE accounts on various single websites. He had been emailing a girl from one of them last Dec/Jan. He RECENTLY updated his "seeking for location" from Buffalo to his new town in the Southwest. Needless to say I'm completely torn apart. I have serious trust issues, and this was the first person I gave my trust to; this is the man I gave myself to -- so betrayed doesn't even describe how I feel right now.

I've confronted him about all of this. He didn't deny a thing. He was completely remorseful. He's insistent that he never met up with anyone and that he's never cheated on me. He sobbed and begged for me not to break up with him, at least not yet w/o thinking about it. He also said even tho he doesn't want me end this, he would understand why if I decide to. I told him I need time to think.
He agreed that there's no excuse for what he did. He said it comes from self-confidence issues, that he was just seeing how many girls would contact him. But my reaction was 1) you didn't have to contact her back and 2) why change the location? (Also- he does have lots of self confidence issues.)

He booked plane tickets a long time ago for me to visit him in a few weeks. I want to see him -- but I just don't know if that's a good idea. I want to talk about this with him face to face. But I don't want to be suckered back into a relationship and then be betrayed again. I want to forgive him, but I just can't trust him.
I don't know if I should believe him or not. I want to e-mail the girl (and obviously tell her I hold no hard feelings against her -- in my eyes she's just as much a victim as me).
Do I give him a second chance? I want to so bad. I love him so much. But I'm so hurt. And I don't know if I can build that trust again. And if I do decide to, how do we go about rebuilding that trust?

I've already told him I need some time to think -- and I know he's scared he's going to lose me. A part of me wants to tell me that we should take a break. But is that fair to him? He's 27, has seen the world (literally -- he was a marine), has had lots of girlfriends. I'm 21 years old and was swept off my feat. I've never really known what's out there, and never thought I needed to. But now I'm starting to wonder if I should? If that would help me make up my mind if I want to be with him or not?

I've never experienced anything like this in my life ... I need help. I'm torn apart and just don't know what to do.

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Old 11-15-2007, 12:52 PM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,195
happymom28 HB User
Re: hurt, confused ... don't know what to do

What I want to know is why did he want you to check his email? Was he hoping that you would catch him? A lot of what he said seems weird to me. For example, "He sobbed and begged for me not to break up with him, at least not yet w/o thinking about it." and "He also said even tho he doesn't want me end this, he would understand why if I decide to.". It's like he was looking for a way to get you to break up with him. Of course, I could be wrong as I only have your post to go by.

From my experience, once trust is broken it is very hard to get back. I think it will even be harder in your situation because of the distance. I definately think you should take your time and weigh your pros and cons. I certainly don't want to tell you to do in this situation.

Have you thought about making up a fake name and email account (with his area on it) and emailing him and seeing what happens? I mean, he did lie about having the account in the first place, so who's to say he isn't lying about never having met up with one of the girls?

I probably wasn't much help and I do appologize if I put worse thoughts in your head. The most important thing to remember is, if you can't trust him then there really isn't much of a relationship.

Old 11-15-2007, 01:41 PM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: canada
Posts: 178
jennie250 HB User
Re: hurt, confused ... don't know what to do

I Would say he is lying and not ready for a serious relationship with you. It also sounds like he somewhat is hoping you will break up with him. You are very very young, and once trust is gone, it's so difficult to get back. I would think strongly about ending this.

Old 11-15-2007, 02:02 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 2,365
AnnD HB UserAnnD HB User
Re: hurt, confused ... don't know what to do

Well he pretty much confessed when he asked you to look at 'something' in his email. He knew what you would 'accidentally' see so Sorry but you should drop him and no i would not go see him. He needed you to catch him and gosh who knows how many he is involved with at the same time. Not trustworthy for sure!

Old 11-15-2007, 02:25 PM   #5
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 484
Ms_ENV27 HB User
Re: hurt, confused ... don't know what to do

I would definitely take Happymoms advice.

The first thing I would have done before telling your bf what you found was set up a fake account and contact your bf.

I know you love him and you REALLY want to forgive, forget and move on. Trust is HARD to gain back without having to wonder all the time about where he is, what's he doing and so on..

Just think about it. I know you're young and in love. But the truth is, if it didn't work out with this guy there are going to be other men you fall in love with.. he isn't the last. Even though that's how you want it to be right now.

You're so young and have a full life ahead of you.. I think 21 is too young to settle down anyway. But you're in love and I understand.

Good luck in whatever decision you make..

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 11-15-2007 at 02:26 PM.

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