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  • Living with In-laws - a good idea?

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    Old 11-28-2007, 02:02 AM   #1
    princessanna
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    Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Morning,

    Myself and my fiance do not live together yet. We both live with our parents.

    I do not see how we will get on the property ladder. House prices are too expensive especially for first time buyers.

    OH's mum, who has a 2bed flat (apartment) all paid off made a suggestion to me last night.

    She is willing to move into a bigger house with myself and OH, all of us own it and live together. That way, we will get onto the property ladder.

    I think this is a very generous suggestion of her. Obviously there are a lot of things to discuss.

    My main worry would be that if I live with her, her husband and my OH (her son), and something happens to me and OH where we row or split, it would be myself who will have to move out and be worse off. Also, OH and I would want our own place eventually.

    Would this be a good idea? I'd be living with my OH's family so if anything happens, I would not have someone there who I can turn to.

    What other problems could there be?

     
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    Old 11-28-2007, 02:20 AM   #2
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    This can work if you make it totally a legal contract. If you are putting ANY money into the investment, then make sure that the contract names you an equal shareholder. If you broke up you would be in the same position as any divorcee, but you would only get a third share if it was sold. Look for a place that can be adapted to have separate apartments and entrances for you and the mother, so there is privacy. That will be the biggest issue, I think. There are a lot of advantages to having a parent on tap, as well as some disadvantages. It all depends on the individuals themselves.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 02:39 AM   #3
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    It's not an easy thing to do, living with family. Privacy as someone else said would be the main concern I would think. If you could get something with separate entrances, your own kitchen, that would be ideal. I see what you mean about if you and your significant other were to split up you would be the one with the raw end of the deal. My husband and I lived in the basement at my grandmother's house when we were saving to buy our own house. It wasn't for long term or anything. Seriously consider if you want to live with inlaws. Does she work? or will she be around all the time? One plus is if you have kids, you would have a live in babysitter. That makes it nice when you and your hubby want to get out just the two of you. But I assume you don't have any kids yet? It's all about what you think you would be comfortable living with, if you think you wouldn't mind sharing the space then go for it. You don't have anything to lose at this point, well mabe your privacy... I would strongly suggest getting something with an in law suite in the basement. I know I wouldn't want to live with my mother in law although she is one of the kindest, loving people I know.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 03:07 AM   #4
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Thanks.

    I think having a separate entrance would be difficult as that would take space and money to do. That would also be like living next door and then me and OH may aswell buy our own flat. It also may not be worthwhile seeing as it will be temporary until OH and I get our own place.

    OH's mum and step father are the nicest people I know and are very generous. She wants to do this as she knows that younger people are struggling to get onto the property ladder.

    As she is very open-minded and difficult to shock, we would get freedom. We will have our own bedroom (possibly en-suite) and have shared kitchen living room. Another problem is cooking times. OH and I would want to cook and eat for and by ourselves. That will be problematic if both couples want to cook and eat at the same time.

    OH and I have no children yet but would like to in the future so having grand-parents that close by would really be helpful.

    The in-laws are currently both work full time and are due to retire within the next couple of years.

    If we do go ahead with this, it'll just be like living with parents together which we do separately anyway.

    It's not ideal as we want our own place but it seems like that may be the only way.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 04:09 AM   #5
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Sorry Princess, but in my opinion it is NOT a good idea at all.
    You are still engaged and lovey dovey, but when you get married and you are both tired or irritated and want to have an argument just for "argument's sake" there will be two other people to content with and who will even in your subcoscious mind take their son's side.
    There are also huge issues with privacy. What if you want to walk around naked one day, or want to make love on the sofa? (Actually you should be considering this because if you do not think it likely, that means trouble in your sex life later). What if THEY have a bad day and an argument, will you feel happy to be in the middle?
    The atmosphere takes very little to be poisoned especially with the passing of time. What if you have kids? Is the way you want to bring up your children the same as your mum's in law? What if she interferes or does or says things behind your back? I guarantee you this will make you furious!!!
    I have been through this with my parents when we moved back from abroad three years after we got married. My parents were the best people I know, but living together was really becoming very difficult, to the point where I began having arguments with my own mother. As for my marriage, it nearly fell apart!!!Thank God my parents decided to ... move out themselves to give us space...I would seriously consider renting a place rather than moving in with the inlaws. Please think about it very carefully.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 05:10 AM   #6
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by thaliak View Post
    Sorry Princess, but in my opinion it is NOT a good idea at all.
    You are still engaged and lovey dovey, but when you get married and you are both tired or irritated and want to have an argument just for "argument's sake" there will be two other people to content with and who will even in your subcoscious mind take their son's side.
    There are also huge issues with privacy. What if you want to walk around naked one day, or want to make love on the sofa? (Actually you should be considering this because if you do not think it likely, that means trouble in your sex life later). What if THEY have a bad day and an argument, will you feel happy to be in the middle?
    The atmosphere takes very little to be poisoned especially with the passing of time. What if you have kids? Is the way you want to bring up your children the same as your mum's in law? What if she interferes or does or says things behind your back? I guarantee you this will make you furious!!!
    I have been through this with my parents when we moved back from abroad three years after we got married. My parents were the best people I know, but living together was really becoming very difficult, to the point where I began having arguments with my own mother. As for my marriage, it nearly fell apart!!!Thank God my parents decided to ... move out themselves to give us space...I would seriously consider renting a place rather than moving in with the inlaws. Please think about it very carefully.
    Thanks,

    That's what I meant when I said I wouldn't have anyone I can trust to turn to if OH and I were to row.

    Bringing our friends/relatives over will again be an issue as we or they will have to 'get out the way'.

    What I don't want to do is just have a bedroom while the in-laws take presidence of the kitchen/living room.

    But what I also need to consider is this: OH and I live with our parents and pay separate rent while we save to advance ourselves (wedding, house, car, family). If we buy together with his parents, what we pay in rent could go towards a mortgage and when we do manage to buy our own place, at least we'd have some equity built up already.

    We really need to sit together and talk about this more. I have plenty of questions to ask her. My OH has a younger brother and he has to be considered as if she does this for one of her sons, she will need to help out her other son too.

    She and her husband will retire in a couple of years and if I were to take a day or a week off work, I don't want them in my face all the time.

    Also, I'm very particular about a few things (toilet tissue has to roll out a certain way, I don't like bubbles in the kitchen sink etc) and I guess everyone will have their particulars and I can imagine we will annoy each other if we don't do things in the 'correct' way.

    It's a catch 22 situation and I really don't know what to do for the best.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 05:21 AM   #7
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    I can't emphasize enough what a BAD idea this is.

    When I was married to my ex we had to live with his parents for a while. Our daughter was 1 month old when he lost his job (over something stupid that he blamed me for btw). His solution, we go live with his parents. I really wasn't in a position to get a job at that point as I was having a horrible time postpartum and he was no help with the baby. Anyway, the first night we were there he insisted on going out drinking with his friends and I was so mad. His mother was all for him going on and said she would help me with the baby and unpacking. Not too long after that I got really sick. One night in particular I was up all night with the baby and he was suppose to be off the next day. He got up and was walking out the door at 7am to help his friend do something leaving me with no sleept and vomiting caring for a teething baby. When I got upset his mother's solution was to call in sick to work to help me. Living with that woman opened my eyes as to why my ex was the way he was!

    Living with inlaws is a battle you never win. I would never under any circumstance do it again. Your life is no longer your's since there is always someone who sticks their nose in a situaiton that isn't there's to give their two cents. Believe me, it is just not worth it.

    If you are able to make it a clear business deal (like Sera said) and have a contract and everything it may be okay. I mean, everyone and every situation is different. I just know that I could never live with other people like that again. That one bad experience was more than enough for me.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 05:45 AM   #8
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    I too had an aweful experience living with my in-laws. We were doing the same thing you guys want to do by saving money for a home. Yes, it was nice of the in-laws to let us come, but I discovered medeling family members and it turned into a nightmare! I told my husband that as soon as the snow melted, if we don't find a home, I would rather pitch a tent and tell the kids we are going camping. I will NEVER do it again.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 06:03 AM   #9
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Only if it was a duplex and two totally seperate homes...but then what happens when you don't want to live with Mom anymore and you have moved up the property ladder...what happens to Mom? I wouldn't do it! Just rent an apartment like everyone else does when they are starting out. You don't have to OWN a house.
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    Old 11-28-2007, 08:22 AM   #10
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    I wouldn't do it.......I think you would be starting off on the wrong foot......

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 08:48 AM   #11
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    I know it's not a good idea as we'd like our own space but it was a generous suggestion and a way of putting our money towards something useful. We will not be living in her house, we will be buying a house together and I would make sure my name was on the deed.

    OH and I were planning on renting by the end of next year anyway. I need a permanent job first and I'd like to buy a car next summer.

    If I'm totally honest, I'd prefer our own house and want to rent privately. But at the end of the day, that is dead money isn't it? I'd rather get something out of what I'm putting in.

    I will need to discuss this further with OH and see what decision we can come up with.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 08:54 AM   #12
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Aren't you the one that doesn't and refuses to like your OH's son???
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    Old 11-28-2007, 09:06 AM   #13
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Dee-nah View Post
    Aren't you the one that doesn't and refuses to like your OH's son???
    I made a thread that I have tried to like OH's son yes but that didn't go to plan. I don't refuse to like him, I just don't.

    But that was in a different thread anyway.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 09:16 AM   #14
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by princessanna View Post
    I made a thread that I have tried to like OH's son yes but that didn't go to plan. I don't refuse to like him, I just don't.

    But that was in a different thread anyway.

    this situation has disaster written all over it......please reconsider or you will find yourself stuck and miserable.

     
    Old 11-28-2007, 10:01 AM   #15
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    Re: Living with In-laws - a good idea?

    Lol , I can’t even begin to describe how much of a bad idea this is. Lol I’m sorry, I just can’t believe that you are even considering this. I understand that you and you’re hubby want to buy a house but, you need to live until then right? Every body has had their own horrible IL experiences but no matter if your relationship is good with them now, it’s not going to be for long.
    There is another post on here titled, ‘I don’t know what is wrong with her.’ You should read that and go from there. There are always going to be problems with even the best of friends when they are living together. Just like the saying, ‘Never go into business with your friend’, never move in with a friend because most of the time, it ruin’s that relationship that you have with that person. Privacy is a big issue. As you said, you and him have been living separately. Now it is time for you guys to have your own time. I suggest that you get an apartment and not try this out with the in laws.
    Do you mind me asking how old you and your finance are?

     
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