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  • Feel like my life is destroyed

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    Old 12-11-2007, 11:10 AM   #1
    btech1982
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    Feel like my life is destroyed

    My wife, and I have been together for four years as of this past September. We've been married since this May. She has never been the type of person to talk about her feelings, or can express herself, and how she feels feels verbally well. She has had a really tough life, and has been abused mentally, sexually, and been abandoned by men. I knew all about this before I married her, and I always wanted to be the one pure good thing she has along with the few family, and friends she has.

    We never had sexual problems, and everything has been great up till the past year or so. She just seems to be depressed, and has no desire at all. She gets annoyed, and angry when I try to hug her when she gets home, or do sweet stuff for her. It's like she is angry at me, and always stressed out about school or work.

    By the way, I'm not perfect either. I've reacted hurt, and angry towards these things she does, and said a lot of stuff I really wish I could take back. Out of my own ignorant insecurities I've lashed back with negative things instead of trying to be her friend, and understand and be there for her *Us guys sometimes think it's all about us, when it's not*. I'm really disgusted with myself.

    It finally resulted in almost losing her this past weekend. She is my love, my life, and I can't conceive of losing her. I asked her if she wanted to be with me after a flare up, and she said she didn't know, and that I would be happier with someone else who could give me what I need. I'm a very loyal person, and assured her no matter what she is going through mentally that I want her, and want to help her, and want to work through this.

    So now I'm trying to deal with the only issue that I can think of that I'm causing which is my insecurities, inferiority complex, and trust issues, and lashing out with verbal abuse when I feel like my heart has been crushed, and some part of me is not wanted. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. If she brushes me off when i try to hug her or pulls away when I try to kiss her it hurts me deeply, and I feel numb/dizzy. I know it's not her fault, it just really hurts knowing that all I have inside me is not enough, and that I failed.

    It makes me angry deep down at myself, and that anger is what lashes out. I've never struck a woman in my life, but my tongue sure can do a good job of messing things up. I feel like I'm a good guy deep down, but when I get hurt I lash out.

    I called and made an appointment with my doctor. I just pray to God that my marriage can be saved, and I don't have to sit at work all day wondering if my wife is going to be home or gone when I get off of work.

    If anyone has any advice or material that could maybe help my wife to read, or help myself overcome my issues I would appreciate it. It's something I haven't been able to fix on my own.

     
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    Old 12-11-2007, 11:39 AM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: Feel like my life is destroyed

    I'm sorry that your marriage is having such a problem right now. It's a very good thing that you recognize that your insecurities, trust issues, and your verbal abuse are having a negative affect. Going to the doctor and possibly seeking therapy is a positive first step to overcoming these issues.

    Have you talked to your wife about couples counselling? I find it pretty obvious that her past has made it very hard for her to effectively communicate with you. This would be a good start for her to learn how to open up and communicate with you. It may also do her some good to go alone as well so she can resolve the issues from her past.

    But here's the big things. She has to want to do this. You can't force her to go or do anything. She has to want to make your marriage work and want to do her part in making that happen. So you need to strike first and talk to her about what you want. You have to tell her that you love her and are willing to do what it takes to make things work. You have to somewhere.

     
    Old 12-11-2007, 11:44 AM   #3
    btech1982
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    Re: Feel like my life is destroyed

    Yes, I recommended us going to talk with someone, and have already found a place near here we can. I agree with everything you said. I plan on showing her I'll do anything possible to help her, and make up for my pride, insecurities, and blind ignorance. It kills me to sit here right now, and think I have contributed anymore sorrow into her life with all that she has gone through.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    I'm sorry that your marriage is having such a problem right now. It's a very good thing that you recognize that your insecurities, trust issues, and your verbal abuse are having a negative affect. Going to the doctor and possibly seeking therapy is a positive first step to overcoming these issues.

    Have you talked to your wife about couples counselling? I find it pretty obvious that her past has made it very hard for her to effectively communicate with you. This would be a good start for her to learn how to open up and communicate with you. It may also do her some good to go alone as well so she can resolve the issues from her past.

    But here's the big things. She has to want to do this. You can't force her to go or do anything. She has to want to make your marriage work and want to do her part in making that happen. So you need to strike first and talk to her about what you want. You have to tell her that you love her and are willing to do what it takes to make things work. You have to somewhere.

     
    Old 12-11-2007, 03:35 PM   #4
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    Re: Feel like my life is destroyed

    All credit to you for so honestly owning your own actions. I agree with Happymom about counselling. The marriage has become too much at risk to try to fix it without help. You have made a great start, and I hope it works out for you. Sera

     
    Old 12-11-2007, 03:51 PM   #5
    pendulum
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    Re: Feel like my life is destroyed

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by btech1982 View Post
    ...

    If anyone has any advice or material that could maybe help my wife to read, or help myself overcome my issues I would appreciate it. It's something I haven't been able to fix on my own.
    There are a few gaps in your story, for example, it is not clear whether your wife's depression has anything to do with you or with her work or school or past issues. Also, what has caused things to change apparently so suddenly?

    My impression is that she is not in her best health and sounds somewhat apathetic to me. Shouldn't she come to her doctor, too? I could almost hear her say: "Leave me alone." Otherwise, there doesn't seem to be any other intelligible response from her.

    You are puzzled, of course, and your immediate reaction is to put the blame on yourself. My friend, it seems as if you are carrying too heavy a burden on your shoulders. I don't mean to say that you have no responsibility in this dissolution (for me it looks like a dissolution rather than a destruction), but I don't think it is for you to keep harping on such things as "I am not enough", "I have failed", "It is not her fault", etc...

    Ok, this is your marriage and it's been four happy years or so, but if you keep puting her on a pedestal, not only are you diminishing yourself, but also making it harder for her and for you to move on, if that is the case. What is she capable of thinking when she hears you say "You are my love, my life, I can't conceive of losing you..."? She may think this is emotional blackmail or pure drama. Also, saying these things to yourself make your problems look much bigger than they really are.

    The thing is you can't force her to do anything or to go anywhere if she doesn't want to. You have talked enough now. If she agrees to go into counselling, great, but counselling can also be a two-edged knife, for it often undigs hidden memories and issues. If she doesn't want to go to therapy, then give her the time and space she may need. And even while you are awaiting her answer (not for ever, of course), move on gradually with other aspects of your life.

     
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