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  • My father hates me

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    Old 12-11-2007, 04:46 PM   #1
    JennyLee123
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    My father hates me

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    My sister and got into an argument about something today, and when she left into the kitchen I overheard my father loud and clearly saying "I'd never wish for another daughter like her. If I had two daughters, I would NEVER want one like her again. she wouldn't be one of them" Those were his words.

    When I heard this I immediately became hurt and starting crying. All kinds of thoughts start running through my head including suicide.

    I don't know what I did so badly for my own father to feel this way about me. During the past few years he has been distant and cold towards me, sometimes going weeks without speaking to me. Then there are times where he'll talk to me and everything will be fine, then suddenly out of nowhere he'll start to withdraw himself and it's like we're strangers.

    People always talk about how girl's who grow up without father's often feel unloved and abused but I grew up with one all my life and I feel just as emotionally corrupted as those who never knew their father.

    I have talked to my mother about this and it never helps. She always ends up siding with him and saying the reason why he acts that way towards me is because I don't keep the inside of my car clean enough, or I don't help out enough around the house, or I don't vacuum the carpet enough. Telling her just worsens the situation and makes me feel even more isolated.

     
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    Old 12-11-2007, 04:52 PM   #2
    JennyLee123
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    Re: My father hates me

    I really need some support. My self esteem is at rock bottom. I'm shattered. I don't think I can feel any worse than this. It's one thing to hear someone outside your family says this..but to hear it from someone who raised you since birth is devestating

     
    Old 12-11-2007, 05:05 PM   #3
    Mary83
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    Re: My father hates me

    Jenny, I'm so sorry to hear that your father said this, and that you heard it. I can imagine how hurt you are. Your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, so when one of them says something so hurtful, it's got to be devastating.

    I think overall, men have a harder time parenting than women. I can hardly think of any one of my friends that has a "normal" relationship with their father. After all, typically, men have much more trouble with emotions than women. So when it comes to dealing with a daughter, many dads are completely clueless as to how they should handle certain situations.

    Another thing to remember, we all say hurtful things when we are upset. We hurts the ones we love the most.

    I don't really know what the argument was about or what could possibly cause your father to say that, but just remember, there is NO way that your father doesn't love you. I'm sure he said it out of frustration and anger. Your father raised you, and he DOES love you, unconditionally.

    Look at it this way, how many times have you heard people say "I never should have married you!". When people are frustrated and angry, they say things they don't mean. At the specific time they are thinking about how much easier things would be without that person, but when it comes down to it, they would never really want that.

    I'm sorry that you're so hurt right now, and I'm sorry that your father was so rude and inconsiderate that he would say that with you around (or at all for that matter). Just take it with a grain of salt, and realize that he did not mean it.

     
    Old 12-11-2007, 08:47 PM   #4
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    Re: My father hates me

    I think, after hearing those exact words from him, it's time to confront him directly. If you were in the house and he said those words loudly, there can't be much surprise that you heard them.

    I think you should ask him if you can talk privately. Tell him that you heard him say that, and that you've noticed over the past few years that he will sometimes be distant. Ask him what has caused this rift in your relationship. Don't be accusing about it, just ask questions, find out why he is angry/hurt/upset with you. Tell him that you'd like to have a better relationship with him and you want to know what you could do to mend fences. I know it will be difficult, but try not to be very emotional, I know it's a sensitive subject but if you are hysterical he won't take you seriously. It is important that you don't bring up specific events from the past or make opinion statements (things like, I know you love my sister more than me). Find out why your dad would say that and what you can do to make it better. If he brushes it off and says nothing, there isn't much you can do. I hope, though, that that isn't the case.

    I'm sorry you're going through this, there have been a few instances where my mother has gotten angry and said some really hurtful things like that, and even though it's heat of the moment, it really, really stings to hear a parent say terrible things about you. Please stay around these boards and keep us posted, even if you just need to vent.

     
    Old 12-12-2007, 12:34 AM   #5
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    Re: My father hates me

    I am sorry you are going through this. But he didn't actually say he hated you. The word "hate" was not among his words. Maybe it was implied, but I tend to think this is your interpretation. I didn't overhear him, but I would take those words as a lamentation rather than an expression of hatred. But I know that my explanation doesn't make it easier for you. That was a very charged moment for all the people involved: your father, your sister and yourself. You are not the only victim here, although maybe you are the one who felt more deeply affected by those words.

    Your father was also affected because, however ill-tempered you are, expressing words of anger angrily are never good to your heart. Your sister was affected, too. She may think she is your father's favourite daughter, but if she looks at it closer, she will find that this is not an easy load. It's embarrassing to be the favourite one: now she has to walk on eggs when she is dealing with your father, so that she does not lose her favouritism. I wouldn't envy her.

    I don't know what the fight with her was all about. Did you perhaps say something very harsh that could have awaken some old feeling in your father? Your words can have had the effect of the last straw, you know, even if the original meaning was different.

    I understand that you couldn't have brought up the issue at that moment because it was a delicate moment. I am not sure either that you can bring it up later, because confronting a parent is always very difficult: parents are not your equals; it is always an uneven conversation. But if you make up mind to talk to him, start by saying he is right somewhere. It is easier to "defeat" a person after you say they are right, after you recognize them.

    However, I think the best way for you is first to dispel any thoughts about suicide. Suicide is no remedy. Second, use those words as a clue to look through your own life: what have you been doing lately? are there ways you could become more helpful at home? are there ways you can become independent in the future and live on your own? where have your optimism, good humour, thankfulness, and patience gone? I know it is not easy, but it gets harder if you never try. Think about yourself. You are the only person you can change and transform into someone better - not to please your father. No, but that's the safest (though maybe longest) way of earning your
    self-respect back.

     
    Old 12-12-2007, 09:53 AM   #6
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    Re: My father hates me

    Jenny,
    I’m sorry that you are going through this. I understand how much it hurts when a parent becomes verbally abusive and distant. As I was growing up, my mother let her crack head bf verbally and physically beat on us four kids because we were ‘bad’. We were actually pretty good kids. But, what hurt the most was that she didn’t protect us. She stood right behind him and belittled us, yelled at us for hours and even recorded it and played it back for us to watch. They said that would make us stronger. Eventually we were removed and placed in foster care.

    I agree with redsoxgirl to confront him. I know that our situations are not exactly the same but it still hurts all the same when a parent doesn’t take the time to hear you out and/or makes you feel belittled. My advice to you would be for the two of you to go out somewhere together. Break the ice. Share some bonding time and try to talk.

    Please, please don’t even consider suicide. That is not the way to go. He is your father and I’m sure that he just overreacted but there obviously are some issues that you two need to work out. We can’t tell you what is going on in his mind and what this grudge is that he is holding against you but I can tell you that it should blow over and even contemplating suicide is over reacting. Please kit and let us know how everything is going.

     
    Old 12-12-2007, 10:21 PM   #7
    JennyLee123
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    Re: My father hates me

    I haven't talked to him in days. And I won't confront him about this. He can be very mean-spirited and shows no remorse for his words.

    I don't know why he treats me like this. Some days everything will be fine, then just out of nowhere he stops talking to me and gets in one of those moods where he behaves as if I don't exist. I don't understand this at all. I really don't.

     
    Old 12-12-2007, 10:41 PM   #8
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    Re: My father hates me

    Read up on personality disorders. He sounds like he might have one. Whatever his problem is, it is not your fault! I know that makes little difference, but there are things you will NEVER be able to change, and your father's coldness and withdrawal is one of them. All you can change is your coping mechanisms. It is hard, but you must look after yourself and deal with being basically fatherless. Sera

     
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