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    Old 12-14-2007, 08:59 AM   #1
    Bryce S
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    Unhappy Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    How do you tell someone, that you love them, when you can’t tell them, or can you?

    Here’s my situation, I’ve been with my girlfriend for close to 10 years. Over that time I’ve obviously gotten to know here very well. The later part of our relationship has gotten more serious, we have a place together, have a very successful life in general, never fight, never argue, completely loyal to eachother. Unfortunately over this timeframe, I’ve realized that her direction in life isn’t exactly the same as my direction. It’s not that we’re leading completely different lives, but her wants and needs in life don’t match mine. Our relationship is based on love, we love eachother but it’s more physical them emotional, especially from her side. She isn’t a very passionate person and thinks romance is lame, wimpy, etc where I am an extremely romantic person who loves the special feelings two people that are in love can share.

    It’s taken years to really realize it. I have brought it up with her and she plays off the ‘lameness’ of it. It means a lot to me and I feel somewhat lost in this world, it’s not a great feeling to feel that honestly, you are not really needed. She is very independent and puts various entities ahead of our relationship which honestly hurts as I put our relationship on the very top of the pedestal, and would give up everything for it, or at least I felt that before.

    Lately I’ve realized that I know I will always feel incomplete with her, it’s just that I have different priorities in a relationship then she does. Because of this, I’ve noticed something, someone that I’ve also known for the entire timeframe, a woman that has all the qualities of my girlfriend but also has more in common with me, is very passionate, understanding and very caring. I know she is a very romantic person from what I’ve seen in the past and I find myself falling for her.

    I want to make sure it’s clear that I’ve never cheated on my girlfriend nor would I.

    The huge problem is this, and before you roll your eyes at me, please understand that I can’t help how I feel, I can’t change what my heart desires and what I feel deep down. Both of these women are sisters. So with that being said, obviously I feel that I’m stuck, and very scared to know that maybe I’ll never feel that special feeling in life. I am still very young (late 20’s) so I have my whole life ahead of me still. I don’t know if I should say something to her sister, we are very close and have spent a lot of time together and I trust her completely. We’ve gone to events together and been told by strangers that we make the most amazing couple and then had to say, actually no, we’re friend, she’s my girlfriends sister. I just don’t want things to change especially for the negative. I just can’t keep these feelings inside, it’s been years and there’s no where else for it to go. I’m a complete wreck inside and it’s effecting everything I do.

    I just want some advice, I want to talk to her sister, I know 100% that if I talk to her, it will be between us only, but should I say something? I don’t want to hurt anyone but I’m hurting so bad and I can’t go on living like this. My hear t is aching inside and my feelings are so strong that I can’t keep it inside anymore.

    Please give me some advice, I really need some help with this. What should I do?

     
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    Old 12-14-2007, 09:13 AM   #2
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    I think you need to be honest with your girlfriend first. I'm sorry, but I think you owe her that much. You and your girlfriend are not compatible in that sense. It happens and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of because of it. Who knows, you may find that being honest with her will show that she is feeling the same thing.

    I just think it would be a bad idea to talk to her sister first. What if her sister felt compelled to talk to her (your girlfriend) and she had to find out your feelings that way? That is incredibly unfair, especially if you and your girlfriend have as great of a relationship as you say you do.

    Anyway, that's just my opinion. I know that if I were your girlfriend I would rather hear it from you first. I would be devistated to hear of it any other way, or to find out that my sister knew your true feelings before me. You have to do what makes you happy, but you need to go about it the "right" way. Good luck!

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 09:22 AM   #3
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Of course the flip side to that is, what if he does tell his girlfriend first, and she makes him out to be a jerk to the sister, and the girlfriend and the sister end up both hating him when the sister might be the one for him?

    This is I think probably the worst case scenario, but I do think it needs to be handled delicately. I think you do need to break up with your girlfriend whether or no. Man, 10 years is long enough to waste with the wrong person!! Be as honest and respectful as you can to your girlfriend, and then call her sister asap and tell her what has happened and that you hope it won't affect your friendship with her as she means a lot to you and her friendship is very valuable to you. She doesn't have to know right now that you're dumping her sister FOR her, or at least partly. Just that you really care for her and want to keep her in your life.

    have you been able to suss out her feelings for you? Do you think she might reciprocate any romantic overature?

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 09:36 AM   #4
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    Both of these women are sisters.
    Well that's about all I need to hear. There are 3.25 BILLION women on this planet and you're entertaining romantic & sexual thoughts about your girlfriends sister???

    By all means you should break up with your girlfriend; obviously things are not working out between you and I also think she deserves a man who isn't going to be having the sort of private chats you're planning with her own flesh and blood.

    I'm sorry, but what you're planning would drive a wedge between these two sisters and cause serious consternation that would ripple through their whole family as family members were forced to take sides, and that's a situation that would last till the end of life, long after you'd floated off on your merry way. Remember, couples break up; families aren't supposed to be able to do that. If they do it's a tragedy and if they don't they're left stuck together dealing with the lingering resentfulness and picking up the pieces for the rest of their days.

    I think you should seriously think on the repercussions of the selfish actions you are considering and I hope to God your conscience gets the better of you and propels you to look for a woman where you ought to be looking - outside of your girlfriends family.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 09:40 AM   #5
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Yeah there have been some times where I can tell we both had ‘this’ on our minds. We have an amazing time together as I mentioned we have way more in common. It think honestly if I talked with my girlfriend, about this, as I have in the past, see that’s the problem. I have talked about it already, and it didn’t go anywhere, she’s just not that type of person. It’s not like she’s bad in any ways, she’s just missing the entities in a relationship that I am seeing really mean a lot, and a lot in a way that I do need to feel them.

    Her sister, as I mentioned is very trustworthy, she’s actually came to me in the past and I know for a fact it would be confidential, I’m just worried that it may cause a lot of problems. My current relationship is probably a dream to other couples, we are perfect aside from how I feel. It’s really hard and I really appreciate all the advice.

    I was planning to talk to her sister, first about what my girlfriend (her sister) does to me, as in how she effects my feelings. I just don’t know if I should say anything else.

    It’s obvious I would be attracted to her sister, they are very similar, except one (unfortunately not my girlfriend) has all that I could ever dream of having in another person. I know if I told her, it would be ok, I’m not out to disrupt everything, I just need to talk and I know, even if I just talk to her sister about my relationship, maybe that will help. I still can’t deny how I care for her…. Worried that if I don’t say something, it’ll be 50 years wondering what it may have been like?

    I am a complete wreck, man, why does this stuff happen?!?

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 09:52 AM   #6
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Well, if your girlfriend really isn't romantic or sentimental in any way, and doesn't seem to take your feelings into consideration too much, it sort of sounds like she wouldn't be all that broken hearted if you left, and even if you took up with her sister.

    I think Layah makes some good points, but the flip side to that is, what if the reason you got with your girlfriend was to meet her sister? Yes, there are 3.5 billion other women in the world, but what if this ONE is THE ONE you were supposed to be with? take if from someone who blew her one and only shot she ever got at love and will live to her dying day alone and miserable, sometimes you only get one shot at happiness, and if your girlfriend's sister is the one you were meant to be with, your soul mate, you owe it to yourself to at least find out. If you handle it right, I see no reason why it should tear your girlfriend's family apart. Sit down and be honest, respectful and forthright with your girlfriend, and end things on a kind, respectful note and like I said, then contact her sister and tell her what happened, that it was a long time coming, that you're sorry and that you hope it won't affect your friendship with her, and then see where it goes from there. No one in your girlfriend's family can blame you for being honest with her and brekaing things off because you knew it wasn't right and your heart was breaking for lack of passion love and romance. If you keep your friendship with her sister, and wait an appropriate time, a few months or so, before making an official move, then no one in her family will think you left one sister to be with the other, and in fact, you really aren't, not entirely.

    I think life is too short to not be happy. I think you're very very lucky to have found someone you want to be with and who may want to be with you so much. It's miracle, really. Some people will never be that lucky or have a chance to be that happy. I don't think it makes sense to waste this blessing just because it might offend other people for a little while.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 10:24 AM   #7
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    No one in your girlfriend's family can blame you for being honest with her and brekaing things off because you knew it wasn't right and your heart was breaking for lack of passion love and romance.
    I doubt that anyone in his gf's family would blame him for that LLM; what they would blame him for would be taking up with her sister!

    I am a strong believer in people ensuring their own happiness as I agree with you that life's too short to do otherwise; I just dont believe it should come at the price of someone else's misery.

    There is absolutely no way I can imagine a situation where a man who has spent ten years with one sister can end up with another one from the same family and not leave a deep residue of negativity that will affect more people than even the three concerned. And it will certainly devastate his girlfriend; I mean, for example, I've read enough of your posts to know what you went through with you ex and how deeply it affected you in the aftermath and still does to this day. How much worse would it have been for you if the woman he had married had been your own sister???

    You'd spend every year dreading (or avoiding, or both) the holidays or any other social occasion where you'd be expected to put on a brave face and run into them. Don't you think that would have been a horrible situation for your ex and your sister to leave you in?

    I'm sorry OP, but there's just no "respectful" way to pull something like this off. I think it's an abominably selfish and cruel thing to do to someone you claim to have loved for ten years.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 10:32 AM   #8
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Yeah, his girlfriend's family could be upset if he ended up with her sister. But then they could also see that they are a much better fit. You never know.

    I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason OP. I think the most important this is that you are HONEST with everyone involved, starting with your girlfriend. There have been people who have dated one sibling and then ended up with another. It may not always work out, but it has happened without bloodshed.

    You will never know how this will play out unless you just do it. It could be a total disaster or it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Life is a gamble really. It's pretty clear that your girlfriend is not "the one". What if LLM is right? What if her sister is "the one"? Stranger things have happened!

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 11:38 AM   #9
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    Well that's about all I need to hear. There are 3.25 BILLION women on this planet and you're entertaining romantic & sexual thoughts about your girlfriends sister???

    By all means you should break up with your girlfriend; obviously things are not working out between you and I also think she deserves a man who isn't going to be having the sort of private chats you're planning with her own flesh and blood.

    I'm sorry, but what you're planning would drive a wedge between these two sisters and cause serious consternation that would ripple through their whole family as family members were forced to take sides, and that's a situation that would last till the end of life, long after you'd floated off on your merry way. Remember, couples break up; families aren't supposed to be able to do that. If they do it's a tragedy and if they don't they're left stuck together dealing with the lingering resentfulness and picking up the pieces for the rest of their days.

    I think you should seriously think on the repercussions of the selfish actions you are considering and I hope to God your conscience gets the better of you and propels you to look for a woman where you ought to be looking - outside of your girlfriends family.
    I appreciate your comment, but I want to clarify, I'm not looking at this situation like a man only in it for sex, this is the farthest thing away from my mind. It's strictly the 'feelings' I am having. I am not thinking that way about her sister, please don't get me wrong.

    I do know there are some major repercussions to this but to call me selfish is a bit much. Put yourself in my shoes and imagine if you were with someone for that long, only to realize that you have someone with the exact same personality but also with a bunch more qualities that you are attracted to, you can't deny how you feel.

    I'm not trying to destroy anything, honestly I am completely a mess emotionally over this. I'm not in this whole, I'm going to get her sister thing, it's not like this. I have some major feelings that have been inside for years, and more so lately as I've come to realize it has effected me alot more then I thought.

    I have two big issues, one is realizing that my girlfriend isn't ever going to be into some of the meaningful relationship entities that I know I require to have a fulfulling relationship. The second is realizing that her sister does have all her qualities and a bunch more and not knowing what to do.

    I am not a bad guy by any means, I wouldn't even step on an ant if I could avoid it, I don't drink, don't smoke, extremely healthy both physically and before this, I'd say mentally. Sucessful in a career, and other aspects.

    Even if it wasn't her sister, I know I still have to talk to someone and I came on here hoping to get some advice, which I am very grateful to those who have already replied.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 11:38 AM   #10
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    And it will certainly devastate his girlfriend; I mean, for example, I've read enough of your posts to know what you went through with you ex and how deeply it affected you in the aftermath and still does to this day. How much worse would it have been for you if the woman he had married had been your own sister???

    .
    Funny you bring that up. I think that's what formed my opinion on this. One of the main things I learned from the whole thing with my ex is that my pain isn't, nor should it be, his problem. Actually, if I did have a sister and she were more like the kind of woman he said he was leaving me to go find, I'd understand that a whole lot more than him marrying who he married. But even that doesn't matter. He's happy, he's with the woman he's supposed to be with, and I've been told by his friends and other sources that my pain is petty, silly, ridiculous, and not the issue. Yes, it hurts like a bi**h, but it's my problem. So that's kind of how I feel when it comes to people finally finding their happiness. It's unfortunate if it hurts someone else, but that hurt is that person's problem, not the problem of the people in love. Love is too precious a gift to waste because of duty. It's my job to just get over it somehow, it's not my ex's duty to be dutiful to me and marry someone I approve of, or even to apologize. Truth be told, it's not his falling in love with someone else that killed the most, it was the dishonestly and disrespect with which he treated me on his way there. but the OP seems like he does genuinely care a great deal for his girlfriend and I'm sure any break up would be with respect and honesty and honor. I don't think he has any higher duty than that. Just my opinion of course, but there you go.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 11:52 AM   #11
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
    Yeah, his girlfriend's family could be upset if he ended up with her sister. But then they could also see that they are a much better fit. You never know.

    I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason OP. I think the most important this is that you are HONEST with everyone involved, starting with your girlfriend. There have been people who have dated one sibling and then ended up with another. It may not always work out, but it has happened without bloodshed.

    You will never know how this will play out unless you just do it. It could be a total disaster or it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Life is a gamble really. It's pretty clear that your girlfriend is not "the one". What if LLM is right? What if her sister is "the one"? Stranger things have happened!
    Yeah stranger things have happened, that's for sure.

    The big thing is, regardless of them knowing, at this point, it's already happened inside me, as in my feelings. I want to be honest, I'm not scared of that and would be honest no matter what. I don't think it would work out destroying everything, but I don't think it's a very easy change if anything does happen.

    I still feel that I should talk to her sister, we are very very good friends and regardless of the circumstances, I'm sure she would see this in a helpful way rather then a destructive way. She is very caring and wouldn't take it the wrong way.

    There are details I'm probably leaving out, I could probably type for hours about it and still not get my 'issue' across to the thread here. I just know that love is a very strong feeling for me, something that controls my entire life and it's something I don't want to live without, especially when it comes to it maybe being 'the one'. Their entire family is amazing, I don't want to lose any of them, in alot of ways, I feel I should just not say anything and just live the rest of my life like this. I am happy with my girlfriend but although I really used to feel that we were soulmates, I really don't think she's the one, but alot of people don't even come close or ever find 'the one' and my girlfriend is 9/10 in that category.

    I know there will be alot of problems if this ever fully happened, and because of that, maybe I should just keep it all inside and just say nothing. I don't want to live a double life though.....

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 11:56 AM   #12
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    He's happy, he's with the woman he's supposed to be with
    I'm heading upstairs to have a nice bath as I've been writing for about ten hours and I'm shattered, so I'll make these next two posts brief. Actually, I think you have dealt with your hurt in a very mature and honorable way LLM, and I truly admire you for it, but you have to recognise that not everybody would have that degree of maturity and ability to step outside of the situation and access it from a spiritual perspective.

    The scenario that the OP is proposing could easily destroy a family, and for what? Something he has no idea would even work out or not? Is it worth rolling the dice with that many peoples lives on the back of what 'might' be? And if it is, what makes their family contentment less important than his own romantic happiness? He can find a lover anywhere; they cant just go off and find another family. He's the one with options here; they're not.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 12:01 PM   #13
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
    Funny you bring that up. I think that's what formed my opinion on this. One of the main things I learned from the whole thing with my ex is that my pain isn't, nor should it be, his problem. Actually, if I did have a sister and she were more like the kind of woman he said he was leaving me to go find, I'd understand that a whole lot more than him marrying who he married. But even that doesn't matter. He's happy, he's with the woman he's supposed to be with, and I've been told by his friends and other sources that my pain is petty, silly, ridiculous, and not the issue. Yes, it hurts like a bi**h, but it's my problem. So that's kind of how I feel when it comes to people finally finding their happiness. It's unfortunate if it hurts someone else, but that hurt is that person's problem, not the problem of the people in love. Love is too precious a gift to waste because of duty. It's my job to just get over it somehow, it's not my ex's duty to be dutiful to me and marry someone I approve of, or even to apologize. Truth be told, it's not his falling in love with someone else that killed the most, it was the dishonestly and disrespect with which he treated me on his way there. but the OP seems like he does genuinely care a great deal for his girlfriend and I'm sure any break up would be with respect and honesty and honor. I don't think he has any higher duty than that. Just my opinion of course, but there you go.
    If it ever came to a breakup, it would be done before 'ANYTHING' even remotely close to a new relationship happened with her sister. I would 'NEVER' cheat on anyone, I'd had it done to me in the past and it's one of the worst things in this world.

    Honestly, I'm the most un-selfish person I've ever met, I would do anything and sacrifice anything for another. Probably one reason why I am a firefighter. I would give my life for another in a heartbeat.

    I don't feel 'needed' in my current relationship in the romance/love category and after years and years of that, trust me, what I'm feeling isn't overally shocking. I just don't know if I can live 'not knowing' and being like I typically am, a person who 'never' puts themselves first, ever.....

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 12:15 PM   #14
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    I appreciate your comment, but I want to clarify, I'm not looking at this situation like a man only in it for sex, this is the farthest thing away from my mind. It's strictly the 'feelings' I am having. I am not thinking that way about her sister, please don't get me wrong.
    Like I said I'm in a rush so I'll try to get to it quick: Firstly, if you're not thinking sexually about her sister I'd even more strongly advise you to drop the whole idea as that's a big part of what makes a relationship work!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    I do know there are some major repercussions to this but to call me selfish is a bit much.
    I'm sorry, but I think it would be staggeringly selfish to go behind the back of your partner of ten years and have a conversation revealing your romantic feelings to her sister! I don't even think you ought to be discussing your current relationship with your gf's sister. I don't think I've ever met a woman who'd appreciate her SO having those kind of talks with her sister; I know I wouldn't. And actually, I think those sort of personally revealing and intimately inappropriate conversations most likely played a big part in leading you right to where you are now.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    I'm not trying to destroy anything, honestly I am completely a mess emotionally over this.
    I'm sure you are Bryce, I can get that from your posts, but the reality is sometimes we dont even have to try to destroy anything; all we have to do is make a wrong turn or a wrong choice and everything comes down like a house of cards, whether we wanted it to or not.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    I have two big issues, one is realizing that my girlfriend isn't ever going to be into some of the meaningful relationship entities that I know I require to have a fulfulling relationship.
    Since that is the case Bryce, I think you may need to leave her (though nine out of ten ain't bad and I know a lot of people who'd give their eye-teeth for a relationship they'd rate on that scale!) But if you feel deeply unsatisfied, then perhaps you need to leave; but lining her sister up as her replacement simply isn't an option with any inherent decency in my honest opinion.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Bryce S View Post
    I am not a bad guy by any means, I wouldn't even step on an ant if I could avoid it...
    I never said you were a bad person OP and I don't think it either. You just strike me as a guy who is debating to himself and possibly on the verge of making a bad life choice, not just for these two women and their entire family, but also for yourself. I mean, how do you think their family would be likely to receive the news? Do you seriously think they'd thank you for it? You said you wouldn't want to lose them, but I can pretty much guarantee that's exactly what'd happen. Family loyalty would kick in and you would most likely end up getting the blunt end of the stick.

     
    Old 12-14-2007, 12:30 PM   #15
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    Re: Huge Dilemma Here, Please, Need Some Advice!!

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    He can find a lover anywhere.
    Yeah true, it's not like that though. I am not looking for 'THAT'. This is strictly a on the 'emotion, love, feeling' side of things. I'm the type of person that completely believes that there truly is that one special person out there for everyone.

     
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