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-   -   Vow I made with my girlfriend (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/561895-vow-i-made-my-girlfriend.html)

SanTropez 12-17-2007 10:58 PM

Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
Me and her had to breakup, she moved away a while ago. We knew we'd have to wait a couple of years before we could see each other for more than just a visit so we stayed in contact and kept our relationship somewhat up. Though we are allowed to date other people.

Here comes the problem. We promised each other absolutely no sex, none. Not with anyone but each other.

But before anyone jumps to conclusions, it's not me who has the issue. It's her.

She doesn't want to have sex, it's, fingering. She didn't do it but she says she wants to. And almost did. And I flew off the handle at her. She says it doesn't count as sex and I said she was flirting with danger.

What I want to know, is do I have a right(had a right) to be angry?

Here's how I see it: When we made that promise we were promising to keep the most personal parts of our bodies and minds only between us. And by doing that, she may not TECHNICALLY have done something wrong but not oly does she go against the spirit of what we agreed upon but she's inviting the risk of it going further.

What do you all think?

By the way, by now we've pretty much given up. We haven't spoke for little over a week and arguments happen so frequently we don't think we'll be able to do it anymore.

cherokepyrte 12-17-2007 11:08 PM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
you have a right to be upset about anything you choose. I don't think there has been a whole lot of long-distance relationships that work out tho. It might have seemed like a good idea at the time but it might not have been realistic to think there would be no sexual contact during your absence from each other. If you're dating other people, things are going to happen. Sorry but that's just a fact of life. Best bet, move on and get over her. She wasn't the right 1 or she wouldn't have even suggested the dating other people thing. Not to get your hopes up but she might even come back and say sorry, i need you back. Stranger things have happened. Wait and see but don't become a nun till then. Get on with your own life, and try to make you happy. Shane

Seraph 12-17-2007 11:19 PM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
It's like Bill C., isn't it? "That's not sex!" LOL. Whichever way you try to look at it, fingering is a sex act. If it breaks your deal, then you probably need to move on. Like Shane said, an arrangement like this wasn't going to work anyway. Sera

pendulum 12-18-2007 12:16 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
[QUOTE=SanTropez;3354310]What do you all think?

[/QUOTE]

I think that is a very strange vow. Not only difficult to keep (I know, I know, like most vows, if they were easy, they wouldn't be vows), but certainly very ambiguous. Anyway, that was an experience and you have learned a lesson. Now, she was at least honest with you. She didn't hide from you what was going on on her mind. Don't be too angry with her. Recognize that the first (maybe only) mistake was the "vicious" vow.

happymom28 12-18-2007 07:44 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
It upsets you and that is what is important.

I think at this point the damage is done. Distance puts a huge strain on a relationship and once that "trust" is broken it is very hard to get back, especially with the distance between the two of you. An arrangement like this was really doomed to fail. Dating other people but no sex? You had to see that eventually this was going to become an issue with one of you?

Long distance relationships really have to be "all or nothing". You are either both committed to one another and not seeing other people and doing all you can to make things work or you're not together. I don't think there is a grey area there where you could make an arrangement like this work.

I think it would be for the best for you to move on. If you still feel the need to make things work then you both need to stop seeing other people and work on your relationship with eachother and work towards being together again. Involving others into your relationship (even if it's just "casual dating") is a disaster waiting to happen, as you already figured out.

jen52983 12-18-2007 07:48 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
I think you're right.. she's flirting with danger. Even though it may not technically be sex, it's still sexual, personal and intimate. And honestly, what guy is going to be ok with just fingering? Most will want a little something in return. To me it seems that it'd only be a matter of time before fingering wasn't enough. I can also where fingering would end up leading to more in the heat of the moment...

I think you need to take a new vow.. no sexual involvment with anyone else.

Tell her to invest in a vibrator. Also tell her that if she needs physical contact from another person then a long distance relationship is not for her...

Destea 12-18-2007 09:23 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
I'm not sure... you write in the beginning that you broke up. If you're broken up, why should there be a vow in place for celibacy at all? You aren't 'in a relationship', you're just hoping you can wait a few years until you can restart a relationship? It's a very unusual situation, and almost impossible to honor unless you're actually still considering yourselves to be in a commited relationship (which... if you're allowed to date other people, aren't you already extending the olive branch to the world and opening a shot for either of you to fall for someone else? In which case, is it fair to ask that a vow made during a time when you were emotionally vunerable due to a 'break up' be upheld?).

This is a very unusual situation. Truthfully if you say you're broken up with someone, I don't see how either of you can expect the other to have relationship-type expectations of the other. Maybe I read something wrong...

Ms_ENV27 12-18-2007 10:46 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
I can't believe how many people are responding to this. Doesn't this thread belong in the sexual Health or something?

I am in no way a prude, but the word "fingering" disgusts me. I haven't used that terminology since high school.

TeTr01 12-19-2007 04:54 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
I think what you are trying to do - be broken up, but continue to be faithful to each other - is too hard.

IMO - if you're broken up you should both be able to do whatever you want... if you get back together in the future that's wonderful, but why put any limits on your life just b/c you can't be together now?

I am not saying go out & sleep around or anything like that... but if you were to meet a girl you really liked & wanted to move forward with her, you wouldn't b/c of your ex? What if you're passing on the true love of your life? Ya just never know... what if this ex isn't the person you're even meant to be with? Why not take this time to just enjoy life... & if you happen to meet someone else along the way you can see what happens with it?

BeaTrade 12-19-2007 08:13 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
I think there's no way to keep such a promise if you can date and see other people, there will eventually be sex! How would she feel if you got "fingered"?(if ya know what I mean!);)

Laylah 12-19-2007 11:53 AM

Re: Vow I made with my girlfriend
 
This whole situation sounds quite weird to me, if you don't mind my saying so OP. I mean; you're in a relationship / you're not in a relationship, which is it?

It seems like you've agreed to put your relationship on ice, but how in hell does that work while you're also agreeing to remain monogamous? Monogamy with an ex? Who ever heard of such a thing?!

Also, what about the other people you and she are "allowed" to date? Do they get to hear about the limbo-land situation the still exists between you? Are they informed that they are involving themselves with someone who has "promised to keep the most personal parts of their body and mind" between themselves and someone else?!

I think it's pretty unfair on them if they don't. I'd want to know, so I could make the informed decision to keep the hell out of it!


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