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    Old 12-19-2007, 01:29 AM   #1
    ib72
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    What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    My wife says she loves me, is not in love or knows wether we are right for each other, i have recently found out that she kissed a man in a night club and have been texting each other a lot, now i have found out i know that her feelings were growing for him, i have been bending over backwards to her to prove that i love her and want her, after i have been a rubbish husband for a long while. What can i say to help her understand we need another chance and we can be right for each other

     
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    Old 12-19-2007, 04:27 AM   #2
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ib72 View Post
    My wife says she loves me, is not in love or knows wether we are right for each other, i have recently found out that she kissed a man in a night club and have been texting each other a lot, now i have found out i know that her feelings were growing for him, i have been bending over backwards to her to prove that i love her and want her, after i have been a rubbish husband for a long while. What can i say to help her understand we need another chance and we can be right for each other
    My friend, it feels as if you were losing her. Maybe you would be better to loose her at this point instead. I know it hurts to let her go, but I think it equally hurts to be with someone who still has mixed feelings. If you try to hold her, she may feel you are being dramatic or threatening her, whatever. I am afraid it would be a waste of time to try to prove anything. Maybe if you give her some freedom and time to think it over, she may want to come back. But in the meantime you will also have had time and freedom to think it over for yourself, and you may not want her again, or at least not in the same conditions.

    The thing is: it appears that both of you are quite confused about each other. It looks like as if your basic trust in each other had been lost. You two may even give yourselves a second chance, but now doesn't seem to be the right timing for it. This is a very much charged moment. The built-up tension must be released naturally, if you see what I mean. That is, by the agency of time.

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 04:36 AM   #3
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    I hate to say this, but I honestly think that when this happens in a relationship that either one of both of the ppl involved have simply given up on the relationship & don't want to put in the effort it takes to be happy & have a good relationship.

    I think that ppl give up way too easily when it comes to love, esp these days when it's just too easy (yet not cheap...) to get divorced if you're married.

    It seems ppl don't seem to realize that relationships take a lot of hard work to keep going... it's too easy to just give up & call it quits.

    Unfortunately, maybe your wife just doesn't want to try. It makes it harder that she has found someone that makes her feel good - she's probably forgotten that you can make her feel that way & isn't paying enough attention when you try to do that for her.

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 04:52 AM   #4
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Thanks for response, i know that this could be the end of what in most part has been a great relationship. It was my fault in the first place neglective, never showing my feelings and so on. But After finding out the possibility of loosing her, it has been the reverlation that i needed. Is there any exercise or ways of helping her undertand, that the other man is a kneejerk reaction and that giving us that second chance is the best possible way, even though i exept that after both trying it maybe over anyway. I forgot to mention the fact that we have a 4 year old little girl as well.
    Thanks again

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 04:56 AM   #5
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ib72 View Post
    Thanks for response, i know that this could be the end of what in most part has been a great relationship. It was my fault in the first place neglective, never showing my feelings and so on. But After finding out the possibility of loosing her, it has been the reverlation that i needed. Is there any exercise or ways of helping her undertand, that the other man is a kneejerk reaction and that giving us that second chance is the best possible way, even though i exept that after both trying it maybe over anyway. I forgot to mention the fact that we have a 4 year old little girl as well.
    Thanks again
    I find that to be common... getting so used to being in the relationship that you neglect it. Then you slowly start to realize that things aren't the same, that you're not as happy... etc. It happens SO easily, too!

    I truely hope everything works out for the best for you!

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 06:34 AM   #6
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    The only thing you really can do at this point is show her that you are no longer "neglectful" of her. Is there something she always wanted to do with you but you never had the time? A trip somewhere, perhaps a second honeymoon? Put some thought into it. You can use all the words in the dictionary to try to convince her, but it is all going to come down to your actions now.

    Even with all these positive actions from you it still may be too late. Only your wife can decide that for sure. But don't give up without a fight. Women who are neglected by their husband's get caught up in the feelings they get from the "new guy" paying attention to them. You have the memories and the history with her. Use the good ones to your advantage. Recreate something special. At the very least you will know you gave it everything you had to save your marriage.

    Best of luck!

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 07:03 AM   #7
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Thanks again, i have offered all kinds and she says " not yet or not ready" After the beginning when i found out she had kissed someone it was just a case of holding on and waiting, giving her the space she needed. Everyone makes mistakes at some point, especially when you are at a low point and your head is so confused. She Also added in our last councelling session that, she thinks that the feelings have gone for good beacuse of her actions, as she has never been the woman to do this kind of thing, i think she has shocked herself.Where as i put it down to not realising that it orginally happened because she was so disallutioned over me and then the flattering at the start, caring and concered after a while and finally loving words that came from this man over a period of time filled the gap that i have made. But love and warmth comes and can goes, if she was so in love with me at a point, and so out of love at this point. So it will be with everyone that she meets unless lessons are learnt. And after 11 years together and 6 Married and a 4 yo girl can she should see that those lessons she be given a chance to work on us. I was her all before, she says even now that she will never meet anyone like me again! There must be a way! sorry for being so long winded!

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 10:56 AM   #8
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    You said that you have been a ‘rubbish’ husband for a long time. Why is it just occurring to you now to prove your love and devotion to her? I would take that kiss as a warning signal to do something and do it now in order to save your marriage if that’s what you want. How did you find out about the kiss and the text messages?

    This is a battle that she has to fight in her own head. The majority of the times, people in her situation find that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and want to go back. It is hard meeting someone new and starting over and misses that special person that really knows them and understands. I wouldn’t beg, I would simply ask her to do counseling or something along those lines. Just give her time.

     
    Old 12-19-2007, 11:00 AM   #9
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Hey, do you talk to each other only in the counselling session?

    The fact that you have a small daughter is a reminder that once things worked out fine between the two of you, but I am afraid you can't use the kid as if she were your "munitions".

    Anyway, nothing you ever do will work if your wife doesn't want to try again.

    In a conversation, I would say:

    That I love her. It would hurt me to lose her, but it would also hurt me to keep her by my side if that is not for her well-being. Because her well-being is more important than my love for her. You set her free.

    I would say that I made mistakes in the past. I would admit that I first became aware of them when I felt I could be losing her, but I have now realized that my mistakes are being harmful to me, too. I would like to change, to regain her trust, but would appreciate to have guidelines from her as well.

    Anyway, she can have the time to think things over. I can't wait for her for ever, but I can wait long enough for her answer.

    Don't say anything just on the surface. Feel the words you say.

    Not trying to teach grandma to suck eggs. This is just a sample of a conversation. Don't try to pick up clever lines. Just speak from your heart. And above all follow up and keep your promises.

    Good luck.

     
    Old 12-20-2007, 12:56 AM   #10
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Yes we do talk outside of the councelling, but i do my best to keep it light, because i can see that her head is ready to explode most of the time with her confusion and dought. When i start to bring things up it always feels like im getting heavy. Its shame that it has to be this bad before i woke up! You really do realise what things mean to you when there slipping away!

     
    Old 12-20-2007, 01:22 AM   #11
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ib72 View Post
    ...You really do realise what things mean to you when there slipping away!
    Yes, that's very true. The danger, however, is that, if you are lucky enough to be able to get things back, you may forget what you did before to almost lose them and slip back into the old patterns. It can be very much like a vicious cycle.

     
    Old 12-20-2007, 05:00 AM   #12
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    I dont know if you mentioned this or not but the other guy needs to be out of the picture totally for her to be able to think clearly. It wont help her if she is still in contact with him. If she has two guys offering her what she has been lacking it wont help her. So she needs to agree to no contact with the other guy. If she wont agree then you are fighting an even steeper uphill battle.
    Also you can go to your local bookstore and find a lot of books to help. Some that come to mind are: The Dr. Phil Relationship books and After The Affair. You can find others of course that can help your relationship. Also make sure you bring up how you are feeling and what you have expressed on here in your sessions with the counselor. Talking is whta needs to be done the most along with action to back up what you are saying to your wife
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    Old 12-20-2007, 06:07 AM   #13
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    I have asked her to stop contacting him and emailed him to leave her alone.All i can do is hope they are true to there word and stop. Im running out of energy with all the thoughts that go through my head, them .. us .no us, my stomach feels like a five a side football match has been played in it! I just hope all the pain is worth it and she gets her head round the idea of me again! Thanks one more time these comments are helping as is my typing the problems out

     
    Old 12-30-2007, 03:26 AM   #14
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Hello again,

    Ok we have moved forward, in a way.

    Over Xmas we went to her families house. I caught her texting him, and made her tell her family what she has been doing. They are all on my side and told her how silly shed been. It turns out,(and i belive her) that the only contact they have had is texting, although a lot! She now belives that we should give our marrage a go, but has made a fictitious relationship in her head, where she cares for this man a lot, even though she knows its not mutual. How can i help her get over this, make the felllings less etc, so we can finally start concentrating on us. She knows what she should do, but as you are all aware the mind is a messy place
    Thanks

     
    Old 12-30-2007, 09:57 AM   #15
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    Re: What can i do for my wife? to help love me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ib72 View Post
    How can i help her get over this, make the felllings less etc, so we can finally start concentrating on us.
    Thanks
    That's just the thing, you can't "help" her to stop wanting another man, and you can't "make" her do anything, she's not a child, she's a full grown woman with a free will and her feelings are totally and completely her own, and there's nothing you can to do steer her or guide her toward feeling another way. It's totally her choice and her heart. All you can do is be the best man you can be and keep the lines of communication open. What is she getting from this other man that she's not getting from you? She's not completely satisfied with her relationship with you, and even if she commits to working on your marriage, it will never work if she still isn't getting from you what she needs. You need to sit down and really listen to her and find out what she really needs and wants out of marriage and then do your best to give it to her. IF that just doesnt' work, you may just have to hold your head up and let her go with dignity and courage, knowing you did your best.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-30-2007 at 09:58 AM.

     
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