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  • My best friend is wearing me out...

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    Old 12-19-2007, 09:47 AM   #1
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    My best friend is wearing me out...

    My BF doesn't have good judgment when it comes to men. She has always respected my discernment in that area, or so she says. That is why she always comes to me for advice. Advice, might I add, she never follows. I have talked til I was blue in the face giving her "advice" not to date one guy, which turned into a horrible situation that I don't even like to think about anymore.

    Then she meets a really nice guy while she was stationed in the midwest, and starts thinking about getting married. Well, as she told me about him and asked me for advice, once again, I told her I didn't think they'd be a good match. Sure enough, one miserable year later, they divorced, and he ran off with half of her savings to show for it. Including the secret college money stash she had put away for her 10 year old daughter (who she had when she was 16 by another no-good guy who has always refused to be a part of her life).

    These are two examples of her taking my "advice." It's obvious that she is only wanting to hear what she wants to do anyway, but why does she keep asking? She knows I will be honest with her. Even when I bring up good points (like her ex's jealousy problem when she works in a field that is 98% male.) she will concede. She'll think about it. But she always ends up doing her own thing, and it always turns out badly. Then guess who has to be the support structure while she picks up the pieces?

    She is highly successful otherwise, a flight officer in the Air Force. It takes alot of quality to make it to navigator as she has. But the romance department of her life, well, it just stinks. She still has a naiveté about her that attracts alot of guys. Then when they realize how headstrong and independent she is, they can't take it. But she won't cut them loose until they have caused serious damage in her life.

    Her career has been on the line more than once because of situations that I "Advised" her not to get into. And her daughter has to constantly deal with her mom's mood swings when she's in bad relationships.

    I recently found out that she is being deployed to the Pacific for a year. Her daughter would rather stay here with my friend's sister (also a good friend) and her husband. There is a no-no guy who will be deployed with her, who has already shown interest in her. Once again, she's asking me for advice, and I'm just fed up with it.

    I love her and she has so many great qualities, but I just don't think I can serve as her sounding board anymore. I'm tired of being the shoulder she cries on as she admits "You were so right. I should have listened to you." But she and her sister have never gotten along very well (it's actually been difficult trying to be friends with both of them for the last 10 years) and she doesn't make girlfriends easily. I have noticed that girls are threatened around her and tend to be nasty, and that guys are drawn to her. Like a moth to a flame.

    My husband even wonders over the attraction power she has. She's not really even all that "easy." But guys will put their careers on the line for her too (one even attempted suicide). In every relationship she's ever had, someone is at risk of destructing. And she never, NEVER seems to learn from her mistakes.

    I want her to be happy. I hate the idea of being unsupportive, but with this new situation coming up, well, I can see the writing on the wall already. Do I keep doing what I've been doing? I value the friendship, so I don't see any other choice, but boy, I'm just so tired of it.
    “Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.”
    --The Doctor

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    Old 12-19-2007, 10:41 AM   #2
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    Re: My best friend is wearing me out...

    I understand your frustrations but, you need to let her make her own mistakes. Nobody is perfect and it’s very hard for some people to find someone that you are compatible with. I wouldn’t shove it in her face that, “you should have listened to me!” because that’s not going to help the situation either. I had a friend when I was younger that was so perfect. She was the one that would always give me advice and make me feel horrible when it didn’t work out. Needles to say, she is now engaged to the only man that she has ever been with and I am a single mother. BUT I wouldn’t have it any other way. The lord works in mysterious ways and I think that you should just be there for her.

    It seems like she has allot going on right now and needs comfort. Just ashore her that she will always have the love and support of her friends and family.

    Old 12-19-2007, 11:24 AM   #3
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    Re: My best friend is wearing me out...

    There is a reason for every friendship especially long term ones. If you were to stop being the shoulder to cry on or stopped giving her your opinion your relationship would fall apart. I also think your friend enjoys sucking the life out of her male friends and you as well. She knows exactly what she is doing and that is why it appears she never learns from the previous mistake. This is what she does...this is who she is. If it feels like someone is sucking the life out of you then it is not a friendship. I think this friendship is only one sided and she isn't capable of being a friend she only knows how to use people...including you. Sorry but I had a 'friend' like that once...had to give it up.

    Old 12-19-2007, 12:45 PM   #4
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    Re: My best friend is wearing me out...

    I have to agree with AnnD on this one. She really isn't a friend worth having. This "poor me" and "I should have listened to you" crap is the dynamic of your relationship. Take that away and there is no relationship. She is sucking the life out of you and all the men she encounters (not to mention her poor innocent daughter who is stuck with the mess she creates). It's time you claimed your life back. She is very self-centered and self-destructive and you shouldn't have to keep putting the pieces back together for her.

    I know it is hard. I too had a longterm friend (over 20 years) and the relationship just turned unhealthy and very toxic. She became who she became and I no longer had room for people like that in my life. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Do I miss her friendship? Of course I do. But the friendship I miss is the one we had when we were teenagers, not the one that was created within the past few years. Do you see what I mean? As you get older the relationships that you need and want change. I guess this one has just be "phased out".

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