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-   -   GF giving me grief about porn. (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/563867-gf-giving-me-grief-about-porn.html)

amy2705 12-27-2007 02:05 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
I can understand your gf's point of view. I don't have a "problem" with porn (for the record, I'm using your definition - i.e. soft-core/PB type. I would have a MAJOR problem with the degrading, hard core, women as orifices type stuff). I am well aware that my bf has and does look at porn. We have an unspoken agreement that I won't make a big deal about it or insist on promised like "I'll never look at it again." But in exchange, I don't want to know he's doing it. I don't want to find porn stashes or have XXX pop-ups everytimes I turn on the computer. I'm okay with knowing that he looks, as long as I'm not aware of it.

Maybe she wants to "drop it" because she doesn't want to make stupid ultimatums like "never look at it again." However, she doesn't want to actually know that you're looking at it. Can't you just look at porn on your own time? Why does she even have to know? It seems pretty obvious that she doesn't want to know and is prepared to just ignore the whole thing if you'll just keep it to yourself.

Larrylou'smom 12-27-2007 02:32 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
Coing in late on this, and I'm pressed for time now so I only read the original post and didn't read any of the responses, so forgive me if I repeat some advice.

But I don't think she walked away from the "argument." She simply told you how she felt. She said she feels it's degrading to women, insulting, and when you look at it in her presence, it makes her feel unwanted and disrespected. Period. No reason to discuss it any further, that's how she feels and she's not going to change. to tell you the truth, that's how I feel about porn too. I wouldn't feel comfortable dating a man who used the soft stuff like the magazine you mentioned, and no way would I even go out with a man who would use the hard stuff. But if he used it in my presence, I wouldn't tolerate it.

It's apparently a non negotiable for her. I think it comes down to compatibility. You guys have different, incompatible world views and values on this subject. She's made her position quite clear. Therefor you have a choice to make. You either love her and care for her and respect her feelings enough to keep it out of her face and out of her sight, or you leave her and find a girlfriend who doesn't mind you looking at girly magazines in front of her. It's really pretty much that simple. You could say "well, if she respected me, she would let me read them and use it in front of her without getting all upset." Well, I suppose that's one way to look at it, but you'll never convince her of that. It's not just something she doesn't enjoy, it's something she feels very strongly is wrong. So for her to compromise isn't giving you something you like or want, it's compromising her values and who she is as a person, and if you really loved her you wouldn't ask her to do that so that you could indulge in something she views as disrespectful, base and wrong. She won't see it the same as "well, if she loved me she wouldn't get so upset." I think to her, that's like saying "well if she loved me she wouldn't mind standing by and watching me shoot heroin." To her it's wrong, destructive, disrespectful and wrong. At least she is willing to be with you even though she knows you have this habit that she thinks is so repugnant and wrong. She's not forcing you to stop altogether, just to not do it in her presence. You either respect he wishes or you don't, that's all.

J S Machine 12-27-2007 02:47 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
I do look at it on my own time. I would like for her to participate, and critique pictures with me sometimes but I kind of \"knew\" how she stood on the subject, so I never asked. What happened today wasn\'t planned. She just kind of walked in and I was looking at an email. It wasn\'t like I called her in there to look at it. But rather than try to hide it, I just kept looking at it, under the assumption that she was okay with that, instead of quickly minimizing it to hide it or something.

I am not going to avoid the issue, I do use it for my own pleasure sometimes. She doesn\'t live with me and some days when she doesn\'t come over, that\'s how I handle my sexual urge. To me, this is better than going out hunting another woman. I mean if it keeps me from cheating what is the big deal??

To the person that said I have no respect for a woman\'s body because all I want to do is view them nude or see them as an orifice, thats not the case at all. I have been an artist for years and I draw with a pencil or charcoal most of the time. I have probably over 100 pieces that I have done consisting of nude women. I am intrigued by a woman\'s natural curves. I draw some forms of male anaotomy, but I am just not as good at them because my interest lies more with the feminine form. I also draw other things too, not just women. The majority of my collection is women, but running a close second is other things I draw also. I love cars, buildings, landscapes, and perspective pictures. I look at woman as a form of beauty, and would rather see them with their clothes removed, but I can just as easily look at woman clothed. I spend alot of time weeding out the things I care nothing about, just trying to find decent pictures of things I\'m interested in such as eyes, facial features, and breasts.

Even after I have explained this all to her, she still is uneasy about it. For example, I think some of the jokes in Pboy are quite funny, and when I share them with her she just kind of forces herself to laugh. I think its more of a \"I\'m gonna laugh so he won\'t see that I\'m upset he\'s reading that, and he will think I\'m ok with it\" kind of thing...

rosequartz 12-27-2007 02:53 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
you're not compatable......
in order to stay together one of you is going to have to give in.....
this isn't necessisarily something to compromise over......
it's a deal breaker......
find a girl who likes porn and stop trying to convince this one to change her viewpoints.

ssjup81 12-27-2007 09:35 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
I'm pretty much in agreement with those who said you two aren't compatible. I don't agree with pornography myself, as I do find it degrading and demoralizing towards women, and if I was dating a guy who would watch it, that would make me feel that he doesn't like me or my body because he prefers to look at smut. To me, I don't see what the point of it or strip clubs are. It gives me a bad impression that he's only viewing women as sex objects.

Your gf, for whatever the reason, doesn't like or agree with pornography. It's not right to force it on her (not that you were, but you did say you wished she'd look at the pictures with you). Either you two have to compromise, you have to stop with the porn (you said it yourself that it's no big deal), or just watch it whenever she's not around or even in the house.

GypsyArcher 12-28-2007 11:31 AM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
Yes, both female and male bodies are really beautiful. I understand that.

But you didn't really answer my question though. What if your girlfriend started posing nude and was the one in those lewd pictures that so many guys salivate over and then just forget about? What if your girlfriend was doing porn and therefore had many random men masturbating to her? Would that be okay with you? Honestly? Would that not make you a little sick? Could you have a relationship with her knowing that strange men all over the country, the world, were seeing her completely naked and masterbating to her? If that would bother you, then it is the same thing as her being bothered by you looking at other naked women.

Porn hurts women. It really, really does. And men do not and cannot realize the depths of it. Anytime a woman complains about it she is just written off as insecure and jealous. It's so sad :(

Kszan 12-28-2007 04:13 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
I still think the bigger problem here is the lack of communication skills on her part. I really think the porn thing is just an excuse whereas the communication problem is what's going to ultimately be the cause of your breakup.

hoopty 12-28-2007 08:21 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
I know that there are a few women that don't have a problem but believe you me those are in the minority! Media would have you think otherwise but make no mistake...most women do not get off on their guys getting off to pictures of other women! If porn is more important than a living breathing person then I say you need to loose the GF and buy a magazine!;) IMHO porn is for single men that don't have living breathing women to love.

BTW I'm confused by all the \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\s?

J S Machine 12-29-2007 09:46 AM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
Sometimes I use a proxy server to cover my tracks on certain computers. Obviously it doesn\'t translate the information correctly at times and puts things in my typing that are not supposed to be there.

Thank you for the help guys.

Laylah 12-30-2007 02:24 AM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
[QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3365953]Yes, both female and male bodies are really beautiful. I understand that.

But you didn't really answer my question though. What if your girlfriend started posing nude and was the one in those lewd pictures that so many guys salivate over and then just forget about? What if your girlfriend was doing porn and therefore had many random men masturbating to her? Would that be okay with you? Honestly? Would that not make you a little sick? Could you have a relationship with her knowing that strange men all over the country, the world, were seeing her completely naked and jerking off to her? If that would bother you, then it is the same thing as her being bothered by you looking at other naked women. [/QUOTE]

I'm also waiting for an answer to this question J S Machine, and to be honest, I think the reason an answer still isn't forthcoming is because that answer would be: "Yes, it would make me sick".

Men are not inclined to think about porn in relation to their girlfriends, sisters, mothers, daughters etc. It's ok for [I]other peoples[/I] girlfriends, sisters, mothers and daughters to be passed from mobile to mobile stark naked with their legs akimbo, that's ok for any hot looking woman in the world - as long as it's not one of their own! I think that should [I]tell men something[/I], and I think the something should be this: Porn, at it's basest level, is an insulting, degrading, humiliating and exploitative practice. In my view; if it's not ok for your own female family members, it shouldn't be ok at all.

I think Gypsy was very brave in her last post (kudos to you Gypsy) and I hope you don't take me the wrong way here J S Machine, but I would counsel you to go back and re-read it. The reason I think you need to go back and re-read her post is because it says a lot about a womans true feelings in relation to porn, and I'd be willing to bet, from what you've said, that those same feelings are shared by your girlfriend. I think the reason your girlfriend finds porn so repulsive is not because she has a problem with naked women, but because she has a problem with women being treated like "a bunch of orifices" as Gypsy so accurately put it.

I found porn on my bf's mobile not too long ago and trust me, it was a deal breaker. I told him straight out, it was me or the porn. 'Insecurity' and 'jealousy' didn't even get a look in, despite what it might suit anyone to think. My problem wasn't [U]naked[/U] female bodies - my problem was [U]exploited[/U] female bodies.

A woman needs to [I]respect[/I] a man; it's one of the highest requirements on her list. She needs to love him, trust him, connect as a friend with him, but every bit as high up there is the need to respect him; and some women, myself included, just cant do that with a man who insists on maintaining an active interest in porn. I have a strong suspicion your girlfriend feels the same way, and if I'm right you're going to need to work this out, because otherwise the relationship will never work.

hoopty 12-30-2007 03:37 PM

Re: GF giving me grief about porn.
 
Just the very idea that my husband(the man I'm in love with and is supposed to be in love with me) would be lusting over another woman to the point of making himself have orgasms would just absolutely make me want to vomit! He has me to give him orgasms [I]thank you very much[/I]! Isn't "lust" supposed to be wrong? I think people have lost the ability to distinguish between what is right and what is wrong.


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