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SendMeAnAngel 12-28-2007 12:38 PM

I really don't know where else to turn...
This is more than likely going to be an extremely long post, so if you don't want to deal with reading it, you can press the "BACK" button now.

I will be giving as much background as I can possibly remember.

So, a little less than a year ago, now... I was in a relationship with a man, who was much older than me. I wasn't exactly sure if it was ever going to work out or not, because of the age difference (And in the end, that's exactly what ended it). In the middle of all this, I had met a guy online, and we had become good friends. Well, anyways, things had progressed and eventually the man who I was currently seeing decided he wanted to take a break from our relationship, and he stopped calling me, talking to me, and et cetera. During this time I became very emotional, and I had cried on the other guys' shoulder... I could tell him everything, he was very understanding, and always there for me. In the middle of this "break", the other guy told me that he liked me ALOT, and he really wanted to make me his girl. It was weird at first, but for some reason, I had feelings for him, too. But didn't want to admit it.

Eventually, the guy I was seeing contacted me, and told me we should just be friends. Our age difference was too great, and he just didn't feel comfortable. I was heartbroken, but luckily it wasn't all that serious, so my heart healed. And fortunately, we actually managed to stay friends.

The night that I was dumped, the other guy, was there for me until the wee hours of the morning, comforting me, and just being there for me in general. As life went on, my broken heart had mended, and I had started to really fall for this guy. But there was an initial problem. He lived in California, and I live in Canada... Quite a distance. I'm not against long distance relationships, I know that they can work out if both people try very hard. I remember around this time he had told me, "I have a really bad past and a lot going on in my life.. Eventually I will tell you about all this. But I understand if you never want to talk to me again."

Eventually, he broke down one night and told me everything. He was married, separated, but married. And his "wife" was pregnant with a kid that could or could not be his. She had cheated on him in the entirety of their marriage. Not only that, but their personalities were completely wrong for each other, and they spent majority of their time fighting. She was also a compulsive liar, and lied about EVERYTHING. It took a really long time for her to admit to cheating, but then quickly changed her story. Most of the time, she would deny something, even if you showed her PROOF that she was lying... He told me within the first week of them dating, they had problems. But he said he was stupid and young, and he regretted letting all this happen. I felt sorry for him, and I cried so hard learning that he was going through all this. Something inside me at that time, told me it probably wasn't a good idea to get involved with him, but... Maybe I'm young and stupid, too.

So after being very reluctant about dating him, I eventually gave in because we just got along so well... so perfectly, and I still to this day feel that he is my soul mate. We basically have everything imaginable in common, and I love him very, very much. Eventually, the baby was born, which was a very difficult time for me. I told him that I wanted him to be a father, and be there for his baby, no matter if he was with me, or not. Obviously, it was the right thing to do, and every child deserves their father. But I also urged him to get a DNA test, because there is a chance that she could not be his child! But I needed to know that his feelings for me were true, before we let things get any deeper. He promised me, that no matter what, he would still love me, and never hurt me for the mistakes he made in his past... I was willing to have half a boyfriend just so he could be there for his baby. Family is important to me, too.

Around this time, I had also started talking to his brother, and "sister" (She isn't really his sister, they're just so close that they consider themselves to be siblings). They were extremely happy to see that he was moving on and finally giving up on the woman who had hurt him so much.. Apparently they had broken up several times in their relationship.. The bad thing is, they're Hispanic, and Christian. So their beliefs about this sort of thing are very "wrong". After his parents had found out about me, they were very upset, and decided that they hated me... as well as his 2 sisters. Which is and was difficult for me, because it's hard for me to be with someone who family dislikes me... I was scared it would always be that way. My feelings for him had already become so serious.

In mid-October, after several months of us being together, I had finally decided to go visit him. We decided that I would stay with him for about a month. I was very nervous at first, but once we had met, we got along just as we did online, and on the phone. Of course I knew what he had already looked like, through web cam/pictures, and etc. For the first time in my life, I wasn't afraid to let someone see "me" and I was myself, 100%. Regardless, he loved me all the same. He accepted my flaws, and I was able to be completely naked in front of him, both literally, and metaphorically, without feeling strange, ugly, weird, or anything like that.

I had eventually slept with him, giving him my virginity, which I had been saving for marriage, but it just seemed so right at the time, and he told me, that nothing was ever going to change. He would never hurt me, he loved me too much. We lived together for that month, and we acted as a married couple. I had become happier than I have ever felt before in my life. I was motivated to go back to school, and work on all the things I had given up on because of all the tragedies in my life which had made me feel like continuing on was pointless. (I had lost a lot of my friends to car accidents, and some family members and committed suicide... I was extremely depressed for numerous other reasons too). And we had decided to arrange for me to stay a month longer. I had become VERY close friends with his brother, and "sister". They mean a lot to me, they're like family.. I can also be myself with them. I've never felt so "at home". We were very happy. Aside from a few stupid fights we had had, but they were easily surpassed. We had gotten along so well.

During the next month, I had a pregnancy scare. I was 11 days late for my period, but I had eventually gotten it, (The cramps were the worst I've ever experienced, though. :eek: ). After this had happened, he ended up spending a lot more time with his baby. And ever since that, things have just continued to go down hill.....

He started getting really strong feelings for the baby, which I had always expected. I did not mind, I wanted him to be there for her! But, I still wanted him to get the DNA test before letting himself get too attached.. the longer he waited, the more it would hurt if the baby ended up not being his.

And now... I've made the biggest mistake of my life... He's more than likely going to decide to go back to the ***** who hurt him so much. He says he doesn't love her and he loves me, but he wants to be there for the baby... He thinks that she deserves to have her father come home to her every night. And he says that the DNA test doesn't matter anymore, he already loves her, and wants to be there for the baby, even if it's not his... I am completely broken. I cry all the time, my heart hurts so much, I have never felt such pain... I don't think I can ever recover from this one... I don't know what to do... he hasn't exactly decided to dump me yet, but.. I know that he's going to... and it just hurts me so much because of everything he's done to me, and every thing his "wife" has done to him. She hurt him so much. And since she's a compulsive liar she's doing everything she can to make him his again... she's threatening to move to Texas and take the baby away from him, if he doesn't decide to be with her... It hurts so much, and I don't know what to do...

He tells me I'm still young and that I can move on... but I just can't... I dream of him every night, I miss him all the time, he's always on my mind, every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I've never been willing to die for someone before in my life, and even though I tell him I'll never take him back if he goes back to her and sleeps with her.... I don't mean it.. And it sucks, I can't believe I'm not strong enough...

I need help, I can't do this on my own... My heart is completely shattered, and I never want to go through this again... I hate his wife so much, I just hate her... she's taking away everything from me... I can't believe he's falling for her lies and threats.... it hurts so bad, I don't know what to do... I just can't take it... I can't take it anymore..........

walkabout 12-28-2007 01:05 PM

Re: I really don't know where else to turn...
Wow, you have invested alot in this relationship! Right from the get go, you were taking a big chance knowing that :
1. He lived so far away that it's hard to have a full fledged relationship.
2. He was "Married". (even if he had problems)
3. He was a possible father.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but, unfortunatly being that you are young, these are the kind of things that we can only learn from. From here on out, try to pay closer attention to the "red flags" that are in plain sight. Follow your gut feeling. I know that the wounds are very fresh and it takes a long time to get over someone, as you well know from your past. Try to be strong and DO NOT take him back no matter how hard it is. Stick with guys that live near you and that do not carry so much baggage. I know we all have skeletons in our closets, but you deserve to be happy, so find a YOUNG and SINGLE guy next time.

My best to you!

happymom28 12-28-2007 01:22 PM

Re: I really don't know where else to turn...
Oh sweetie! I don't even know where to begin. {{{hugs}}}

You are obviously pretty young and he is your first love, but you need to take him off of this pedistal you have put him on. He is married with children. If his wife was as bad as he says she is he would leave her, plain and simple. He can be a father without being with her but he CHOOSES to stay. As long as he is with her he won't be yours. You need to walk away from him. The longer you are his "mistress", "distraction", or whatever else the harder it is going to be on you the worse you are going to feel about yourself.

Honestly, he is NOT a good guy. A decent man would not carry on with a young girl from another country and "play house" with her. A decent man wouldn't invite another person into his marriage drama. He acted very selfishly and incredibly unfair to you. He also took your virginity knowing (I'm assuming) that you were saving yourself for marriage. I'm sorry, but what an ***! He doesn't deserve you, you love, or your support. He deserves exactly the mess he is living in. It takes two to make or break a relationship and it seems he and his wife are perfectly suited for one another.

You have been through a lot with losing close friends and family members and now this. I urge you to end things with this guy ASAP. I also think you should look into some counselling for all that you have been through. He/She will help you to deal with your obvious depression and get a sense of yourself back. I also think you should be single for a while and work on you and making yourself happy. You will be okay, you just have to love yourself enough to know it. BTW, how old are you (if you don't mind me asking)?

Ms_ENV27 12-28-2007 02:07 PM

Re: I really don't know where else to turn...
I'm sorry hunny, this really is an unfortunate situation.. I agree with the above posters very much. He is not as a good guy as you think. He talks well, but doesn't walk it.. Action speaks louder than words..remember that.

What got me was, and what would be a HUGE turn off to me is he is not even willing to get a paternity test. He wants to be with a crazy, lying woman. I mean he got attached before a paternity test.. because deep down he probably does want to be with his wife... What a fool IMO. It would be so wise of you to cut off all contact with him..

Trust me I know these internet relationships feel like REAL relationships and for the most part they are- but be lucky you don't live with him, or near him. You'll get over this, trust me!

Larrylou'smom 12-29-2007 01:18 AM

Re: I really don't know where else to turn...
I agree as well.

I'm so so sorry you had to experience this. I can only imagine how much it hurts, and even though you may not feel it or believe it now, this guy is sooooo not worth your tears. this will clearly be a learning experience for you and you will come out of this experience so much smarter, wiser and stronger. this guy was full of garbage from the get go. It sounds to me like he never had any intention of leaving his wife. And I'm willing to bet that half the stuff he said about how awful his wife is he totally made up just to get you down there and spend time with him. I agree, if his wife were really that awful he'd leave her and sue for custody of his child.

We learn along the way that all those pretty words, "I'll always love you, I'll never hurt you, you'll always mean something to me...." blah blah blah, they are what Mary Poppins would call pie crust promises. Easily made, easily broken.

Be strong. Take the lessons you've learned from this, and know that you deserve better, and next time you won't settle for so much less than you deserve. You'll be much better at staying away from men who aren't completely available, who have baggage, you'll be able to spot liars more easily and more quickly. Hang tough, you'll get through this. Good luck to you.

Laylah 12-29-2007 01:40 AM

Re: I really don't know where else to turn...
Hi Sendmeanangel. I'm sorry to hear you're hurting so much right now. You've already got some good advice here and the girls have covered just about most of what I would have said had I responded earlier. I'd just like to point out that I think it's deeply suspicious that he is unwilling to have a paternity test. I can only imagine two plausible reasons for that: 1 - He doesn't think and never thought the baby might not be his, that was a whole yarn he was spinning you. Or 2 - He does know the baby may not be his but is too crazy about his wife to care. Either way, these situations do not bode well regarding his feelings towards you.

The bottom line here Sendmeanengel, is that this man was married when you first met him. No matter what sort of shape his marriage was in (or rather what sort of shape [I]he told you[/I] his marriage was in) the marriage still existed. Getting involved with a married man is a one way street to heartbreak, because the reality is that the husband involved will always take his a** back home to his wife. As much as it tears your guts out, that is where a husbands loyalties lie; such is the nature of marriage.

This is a tough [I]tough[/I] lesson to learn and I've no doubt you'll shed many bitter tears in the learning of it; just remember, the next time you meet a man and you hear the word 'wife', do your heart a favour and run the other way.

Nina000 12-29-2007 07:01 PM

Re: I really don't know where else to turn...
This is a hard situation, although the good side is that you have discovered his true colours ...not too late!

I feel that you have been used by him, unfortunately: My interpretation is that he, a man with luggage, was flattered and excited by all the attention that has come from you, a young woman with no commitments...
He has also used you by intensifying contact straight after your break-up, a time when you were probably most vulnerable to a rebound.

I also feel that he might have been lying about his uncertainty regarding the baby. His sudden change of attitude makes me think that he knew the baby was his all the way, he still wanted to take the chance (have his cake and eat it too), and then he felt guilty after passionate weeks together and got back with her.
I understand you are angry, but try to direct your anger at him, not his ex. It is also a possibility that he took your relationship a step further to make a point to his wife....She might be yet another victim of his selfishness.

Unfortunately in all cases, this is not a man who deserves you...not easy to accept this at this point but he truly is unworthy of your tears.

If I were you, [I]I [/I]would give him closure: a kick right in the core of his manhood. You can say something like you have changed your mind about him....after you met him...You could say something like you did not like him as much in reality and you refuse to take a man with luggage anyway. I know this is hard but your strength at this moment is what you can rely on. You are strong inside....just show it to him and let him feel as bad about himself as he deserves to feel!

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