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    Old 12-29-2007, 03:08 PM   #1
    emailie
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    I've lied

    I've been seeing my girlfriend for 10 months. She is wonderful, selfless and has helped me to pull my life back together in so many ways. I met her at a concert. When I was there she asked me my aged and I lied. I said I was 18, I was bymyself and as she was 21 and talked to me I didn't want to be left on my own just cos she thought I was a kid. I was 16 at the time. I'm going to be 18 next week. She think's I'll be 20.

    I have never told her the truth basically as once I realised we were more than friends I had also found out she had serious trust issues and I'm scared of hurting her.

    I need to tell her the truth this much is obvious. I'm selfish not to tell her just because I need to keep her. I love her very much, she's the most caring and loving person in my life. I'm also living with her as I had no place to go due to complicated circumstances.

    However rather than telling her I'm considering just leaving. Telling her that I can't be in a relationship and I needto be alone.

    This way I may save her from trusting nobody again. I know she trusts me completely. I don't want to ruin her chances at ever trusting anybody out.

    I'm so confused. I know I've done wrong and I want to do something about it very soon. Please give me some advice rather than slandering me?

    Thankyou Very Much

    Last edited by emailie; 12-29-2007 at 03:09 PM.

     
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    Old 12-29-2007, 03:26 PM   #2
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    Re: I've lied

    I think that just breaking up with her and exiting her life without giving her the explaination as to why would be more hurtful than being honest about your age.

    Honestly, I do believe she will probably be upset with you and feel betrayed. But you do owe it to her to tell her the truth and then let her decide what to do at that point.
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    Old 12-29-2007, 03:33 PM   #3
    emailie
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    Re: I've lied

    [QUOTE=GypsyArcher;3367372][QUOTE]

    Thankyou for your advice. It's hard to tell her. I know she'll react badly. And I feel like I have used her to better my situation, but I want to make her happy, she has done so much for me, I'm going to hurt her and it's going to be hard to know I've caused all that pain. But at the end of the day not wanting to hurt her is just selfishness again in a way. It's hard to accept that under such a great thing is a lie. The worst thing I could have done is to lie to her about this in paticular, I know that.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 04:01 PM   #4
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    Re: I've lied

    Honesty is always the best policy. Agreed with Gypsy on that. I know you don't want to hurt her, but seriously, being honest with someone makes them respect you a lot more than if you were to continue the lie. In general, if people were just honest with others instead of lying about everything, think about ALL of the situations which could have been avoided?

    You owe her honesty. For all that she's done for you, you really just owe her to be honest about it.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 04:04 PM   #5
    emailie
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    Re: I've lied

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
    You owe her honesty. For all that she's done for you, you really just owe her to be honest about it.
    Thankyou, I know this, I always have. I just can't seem to do it. And I'm going to have to plan it and make arrangements with accomidation and everything but doing that first just makes it seem like I planned everything all along and just used her. But I know she would not leave me with nowhere to go and forcing her to stay with me after I've told her feels unfair too.

    There are so many things I'm so confused about.

    I can't just come out with it.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 04:12 PM   #6
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    Re: I've lied

    Maybe you should write her a letter. I know some people think that is the cowards way out, but with a letter you have the chance to say everything you want to say and explain yourself fully without interruption.
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    Old 12-29-2007, 04:17 PM   #7
    emailie
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    Re: I've lied

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
    Maybe you should write her a letter. I know some people think that is the cowards way out, but with a letter you have the chance to say everything you want to say and explain yourself fully without interruption.
    I have tried this and somehow I can't seem to put any of it into words. Maybe because for the past year I have pushed this to the back of my mind and thought about it as little as possible, only on late nights when I am alone or maybe have had one beer too many.
    I think maybe writing it down would be as hard. Because this way I have to accept it as reality. And I haven't yet accepted it fully. I just wish there was a time lord about or that fairygodmothers were real. When I think about it as I am now I think aboutall the ways to tell her and all of the consequences. I'm so scared that she'll do something silly. I'm scared.

    I will lose my best and only real friend and my "adopted" family.

    I don't even know how I got into this mess in the first place. How I let it get this far or this deep.

    So much easier to not have something in the first place than to have it and loose it. This lie, does it make our whole relationship and friendship a lie. I've told so many because of it. Everything is so out of hand!

    Last edited by emailie; 12-29-2007 at 04:19 PM.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 04:19 PM   #8
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    Re: I've lied

    Hey there,

    I'm sorry you find yourself in a situation like this. I'm glad you found a great girl, it's too bad that she's going to be hurt, but.. you have to do this. You'll be a much better person for it.

    The reason you don't want to say it is because you don't want to be the bad guy. No one wants to admit they're wrong, so they lie or try to make their wrongdoings not seem so bad. Just tell her straight out the truth.

    What you have to realize is that you are a good person for doing so. You're not the bad guy anymore. Make a vow to change. That person who has lied is in the past - now in the future is the better person. You know this, and hopefully she will eventually too. Stop hurting... I know it seems unfair for her to hurt while you are feeling better about yourself. But you've dealt with the pain, now move on to the better person you want to become. But make sure you do become this better person.

    She seems like a great girl by what you've said. I'm thinking she may just forgive you for this.

    Think about it this way - you were at a concert, had no idea who she was. I lie to people about my age when I am by myself and meet with a stranger, because I don't really know who to trust. If by chance you didn't expect it to develop into anything, it makes sense why you did it. Holding onto the lie wasn't right, but if you didn't tell her the truth because of her trust issues like you said, then you know, you could have done a lot worse. I think you seem like a decent guy and I think you have a chance at patching things up.

    Good luck, tell us how it goes.

     
    Old 12-29-2007, 04:34 PM   #9
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    Re: I've lied

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Birdbreath View Post
    Hey there,



    Good luck, tell us how it goes.
    Thankyou,

    I did create the situation myself. I just can't seem to untangle everything now.
    I know I need to tell her. I know that I have left it longer than I should have, and made excuses for my behaviour.
    I'd love to have forgiveness from her. But foremost I'd like her to be okay. I hope that she can see that I love her, but that;s unlikely. I hope that she can on some level understand, but as on some level I don't understand that's probarbly a lot to ask.
    I wish I could live without thinking about it. I want to tell her. I want truth. But our relationship is based on lies. Does that invalidate our feelings? I know the truth, when she finds out I'm not the person she thinks I am will she ever have loved me?
    I know I'm yapping on but I just need to get everything straight in my head before telling her. To be prepared, y'know? I'm worried about myself too although that sounds awful, where will I go? what will I do?

    Ach! I need a god. And I don't have one. I need a friend.

    I need to tell her. But my heads buzzing so much that I can't think straight...

     
    Old 12-30-2007, 09:00 AM   #10
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    Re: I've lied

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by emailie View Post
    I'm so confused. I know I've done wrong and I want to do something about it very soon. Please give me some advice rather than slandering me?

    Thankyou Very Much
    Hi Emalile; your post made me smile (I have only read your first post btw as I am in a bit of a rush) Yes, you've done wrong, but it's not an earth shattering dreadfully awful wrong! (and certainly not worthy of any slanderous remarks! lol) It's not the kind of lie that would (or should) be able to ruin a womans trust forever! If it did, I'd suggest she had bigger issues than trust!

    When I was almost seventeen I met a man who was twenty-eight; of course it was rather the scandal and we were the talk of the town. We decided to lie to his parents and tell them I was two years older than I was. His mother was a lovely women, we got close, and when my '21st' came round (which in reality was my nineteenth birthday) she started making all these twenty-first birthday celebrations plans! Well, shock and horror!! All we could do was laugh and come clean, because obviously we couldnt let the woman go through with that sort of charade. I was nineteen as I said at that stage so we were out of the woods, so to speak.

    I suggest you do the same with your girlfriend; simply come clean, and while doing so make sure you tell her you only pretended to be older because you thought she was so georgeous you couldnt bear the thought of missing a chance with her - that'll soften the blow, trust me!

    Last edited by Laylah; 12-30-2007 at 09:01 AM. Reason: misspelling

     
    Old 12-30-2007, 09:17 AM   #11
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    Re: I've lied

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by emailie View Post
    I wish I could live without thinking about it. I want to tell her. I want truth. But our relationship is based on lies. Does that invalidate our feelings? I know the truth, when she finds out I'm not the person she thinks I am will she ever have loved me?
    I've just read your most recent post Emailie; for the love of God, you really do seem to be overthinking things here! If I found out a man had shaved two years off his age all I'd do is tease him about it - honestly! I'd probably start calling him 'babyface' or 'jailbait' or something like that. I'd probably start asking him was he sure he was legal when we went to bed at night, or was I likely to get arrested for supplying booze to a minor when he went to my fridge for a can of beer. I'm starting to wonder is this girl somebody you can trust with anything, or is she somebody you fear is likely to snap your head off for the slightest misdemeanor?

    Relationships aren't supposed to be like that Emailie; your partner is supposed to be somebody you can come to and admit something you've done that's made you ashamed, and as long as we're not talking about something gut-wrenchingly wrong, what you're supposed to be able to expect after your admission is an; "It's ok, I love you, but don't do it again" and a cuddle!

    I'm not saying it's all fine and dandy to be deceptive in a relationship; we all know it's not - but some deceptions come from innocent places and some don't, and it doesn't do to confuse the two. There isnt an ounce of malice in what you've done here, and if you don't feel you're with someone who has it in her to forgive you over something like this, I think it's you who ought to be rethinking the relationship.

     
    Old 12-30-2007, 09:23 AM   #12
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    Re: I've lied

    I think you're not giving your girlfriend much credit. And yes, you're right, it is a bit selfish to keep this lie going because you're worried about where you'll go if she kicks you out. You say you love this girl. If that's true, then you need to start doing right by her. Tell all the buzzing in your head to just shut up. You need to simply sit her down and tell her your real age, why you lied, how sorry you are, and how you know it will affect the relationship but that you love her and hope she can forgive you and look past it. The longer you keep the lie going the worse it will be.

    The idea of slinking away and leaving her with no explanation rather than come clean to "save" her so she won't become bitter and distrustful sounds like a rationalization to me. Loving someone who just up and leaves with no expanation other than a quick "I don't want this/I'm not ready for a relationship etc." would cause far more pain, misery, bitterness and distrust than you just coming clean and telling her the truth, so don't kid yourself. You will be causing more damage by leaving dishonestly than trying to stay honestly. Give her a little credit. Tell her the truth like a man. Who knows, she may just understand and forgive you. But the decision to leave you, to forgive you and keep loving you, or to end the romantic end of the relationship and try to salvage a friendship and let you continue living with her, etc. that choice is HERS to make, and she has the right to make that choice for herself, and every day that you don't come clean you're taking that choice away from her. That's an unfair thing to do. You're growing up and now it's time to start learning those hard adult lessons, like accountability and taking responsibility for your actions.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-30-2007 at 09:24 AM.

     
    Old 12-31-2007, 06:00 AM   #13
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    Re: I've lied

    I have to agree that up and leaving in the middle of the night will cause a lot more harm than just being honest with her. It is much easier to get over the truth.

    This isn't the worst possible lie in the world. You may find that she will be upset about the lie, but then able to get over it because she knows the kind of person you truly are. If you don't want to lose her and truly do love her then you owe her the truth. Do as LLM suggested. Sit her down, tell her you lied, tell her why you lied, etc.. Then the ball is in her court. But keeping the lie going because you don't have a place to stay (or any other reason) is more juvenile then the lie in the first place.

     
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