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    Old 01-02-2008, 12:41 PM   #1
    Erin942
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    8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    I posted here before about my breakup 8 months ago after 2+ years. I am 28 and he is 34. We had a really solid, drama-free and happy relationship and I thought he was the one. The breakup was very sudden and unexpected; he kept saying he loved me, didn't want to hurt me and was sorry over and over, but that something told him it wasn't good to continue on. He swore there was no one else, no desire to be with anyone else and that he loved me more than anything. He said he was afraid we wouldn't go further than we had and that he did not know what he wanted and he hated that I did and and he did not and that he could not give me the time and attention I wanted and deserved. It was incredibly hard, but we parted without any harsh words. We have had no contact since then with no plans for it. He is very, very private and very decisive and stubborn, so when he does something, he does it completely without going back. He did that with our breakup -- he basically walked away without looking back. Our mutual friends say that he refuses to discuss me or the breakup, that they press him for information or ask him why he ended it and he just tells them he doesn't have more answers, doesn't want to discuss it. They've asked him why he never reached out to me, why he never called or checked in and he's told them he doesn't want to make it worse, doesn't know what to say, doesn't have any further answers to give me and doesn't see that any good can come of it. I agree. It’s the past and being in touch won't solve anything. But I am still in a lot of pain even 8 months later.

    The breakup completely leveled me and I felt like I broke into a thousand pieces. I was so overcome I missed two days of work, I cried for days and weeks, and was an emotional wreck, overall. I started to get my stuff together and threw myself into activities like running, classes at the gym, book clubs and seeing friends. I took a few weekend vacations. I bought a new car. I landed a new job. I capitalized on not being able to eat for 3 weeks following the breakup and, combined with more time working out, lost 15 pounds. I went on a couple dates. And then I met a nice guy who I have been dating for the past four months. On the outside, I am fooling everyone. I seem to have totally moved on and am "so much better off" now than before. But it's all smoke and mirrors. Sure, I got out and did some things to better my life and stay out of depression, but I still cry for my ex and still mourn him. The realtionship I am in now is exclusive but more casual. He is definitely not the one. But he knows I am not looking for big commitment, so I am not leading him on. While I enjoy seeing him, I know that we are too different to make it work in the long term. It depresses me that it's like that. It makes me sad that I am seeing this guy I see no future with. It makes me feel bad that I hold his hand and wish it were my ex's. But, being alone and not having any companionship romantically, would be hard, too.

    Through mutual friends I know my ex is single and not dating. I have adopted his approach of simply deleting me from his life. We don't communicate and I don't ask about him, I don't ****** stalk him. But I can't get him out of my mind. A friend let it slip that he was single and had been. And while finding out he was dating would be hard (which I am sure will happen soon if not right now) it is also hard to know that he feels truly better off without me. That he'd be better off alone, without a relationship, without love in his life, than being with me. And, I'm not being blind at all when I say we had something really great. It was loving, it was incredible, it was easy. No arguments, no drama, lots of fun, lots of memories. I adored him. Even after two years, I got butterflies every time he called. I broke into a smile every time he emailed me. I felt such excitement every time I pulled into his driveway to see him. I cried out of sheer happiness, I have to admit. Now, it's the opposite effect. How could being alone and unloved be a better alternative to our relationship? I just can't get it.

    My biggest issue is how far behind I feel. With my ex, we had this incredible lifestyle and I loved every minute with him. We went on great trips, we had an awesome group of friends, I spent holidays with his family and I dreamed of having a life with him -- moving into his huge house, settling down with him. I thought for sure we were on that path. And maybe we were, even to him for awhile. I am 28 now and all of my friends, for the most part, are married or living with their boyfriends, in beautiful condos and houses, with babies on the way or in the plans. I rent an apartment in a college neighborhood with a roommate, and she is moving out this summer when our lease ends to live with her boyfriend. I face having to find a stranger to live with again or deleting all savings and living paycheck to paycheck to rent my own apartment (pricy city -- a decent one bedroom, nothing too nice, goes for $1100 minimum, without utilities or parking). I have been a bridesmaid 5 times. I have been to at least 40 weddings in the past 5 years. I have sat through a dozen baby showers. I am sick of celebrating everyone else's happiness and success (and spending 60% of my salary on at Babies R Us and Crate and Barrel -- and not on things for me) when I am so miserable. I feel like life is passing me by. I feel like I am running out of time. I am afraid I may never have the feelings for someone that I had for him. I picture myself just settling for someone else, but always wishing it was my ex I was with. This isn't the life that I want, but I can't seem to do it alone. And I don't know what to do to just get over this for good. I am afraid I never will.

     
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    Old 01-02-2008, 12:59 PM   #2
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Hello,
    It does take a few years to get over a break-up in which the other person ended things, but you didn't want to. I have been through it myself. You have to just keep working through it in your heart and mind, cry when you need to. Occasionally, I still cry 3 years later, even though I *know* things are as they should be and have to be. It is just something that is very difficult and that you have to work through personally for a long time.

    My advice would be to not spend time with someone you *know* is not the one. Go out and keep dating and looking for a mate.

    By the way, 40 weddings in 5 years is amazing. Count your blessings that you have that kind of social life. You are very, very lucky to have that kind of support system.

    Being a woman and the same age as you, I know how hard it is to wait for marriage and children, but *you never know* what is just ahead this year. Things will probably be very very different and much better for you in 1-2 years!!

     
    Old 01-02-2008, 01:32 PM   #3
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Hi Erin - I remember your story from when you posted a few months ago. Sorry to hear it's still so hard.

    I wish I had great words of wisdom to put a spin on things that would brighten it up just a bit, but I don't. I know it's just hard. But I can offer all the sympathy and support I can. It's just hard, and probably will be for a while yet. You know, we dont' always get to live the life we want, or the life we dreamed of. After my break up 10 years ago, I was floored and devasted as well, but I was pretty sure I'd find someone else, someone better suited for me, or my ex and I would heal ourselves and find our way back together. But neither happened, and at 42 I'm single and childless and living in a little one bedroom apartment. It's hard to try to talk myself into being grateful, like "well, at least I'm not homeless" and know that my ex and his wife live in a lovely nice home with all the niceties with her kids. But all we can do is focus on what we have, what we can make for ourselves, and on the future.

    And I would say, you know, if it makes you feel lonely to hold the hand of some guy and wish he was your ex, then maybe you should rethink doing it. most of the time I'm so lonely I could just break down and cry, but I've dated enough to know that being in a relationship with a man who makes me miss my ex would be even more lonely. I still date a lot and am still holding out a little hope that I will find someone right for me, but I know that if I'm with him and I'm missing my ex, then he's not who I belong with, and why waste precious time with someone who's ultimately not a good fit? You assume that doing it all on your own would be worse, but have you tried it? You say you've been broken up for 8 months, and dated, and now seeing this guy for four months, so really, how much time did you spend totally on your own, getting to know yourself and leaning on yourself emotionally? Doesn't sound like much time at all. I'm not saying to dump the guy you're with now, but I think that being with the first nice warm body that comes along is a quick fix, but it's not really a long term solution to a broken heart. You've got to really do some soul searching and find some alone quiet time to think long and hard about how you are going to survive if, God forbid, you do never find anyone else, or you do never get the life you dream of, but a nice life that you can make for yourself. what does that look like? what's your plan B? Your plan C? And if you don't want to live with a stranger, perhaps moving to a less expensive part of town and commuting? The train or the bus? I'm just spitballing, but I think in your case, perhaps you jumped into dating and into this new relationship not as a result of truly moving on, but as a subconscious way of repressing and avoiding dealing with the very painful but necessary stuff you have to deal with when something we really really didn't want to happen, happens.

    As for the feeling left behind, boy can I relate to that as well. it's a bugaboo of mine, too. I think everyone thinks they'd be further along than they are in some way at some point. But it's never ever a good idea to judge your happiness, or how much you should be happy, by what other people have. Every time I'm tempted to do so, I remember a line from a great poem, that goes "never compare yourself to others, for you will become vain and bitter, for always, there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." No matter what you have, there will always be those who have more.

    I don't mean shrink you, I don't like it when people try to shrink me, so I hope you don't feel shrunk! But as someone who lost a lot of dreams and am still not living the life I want to be living, but striving to live a life that I can find some joy and reward in, the best advice I can give is to take some time to be still and listen to your heart and spirit, open your mind to whatever positive lessons there were to learn from the relationship and break up, and to get to know yourself as you are outside the context of a relationship.

     
    Old 01-02-2008, 02:38 PM   #4
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Erin94402 View Post
    The realtionship I am in now is exclusive but more casual. He is definitely not the one. But he knows I am not looking for big commitment, so I am not leading him on. While I enjoy seeing him, I know that we are too different to make it work in the long term. It depresses me that it's like that. It makes me sad that I am seeing this guy I see no future with. It makes me feel bad that I hold his hand and wish it were my ex's. But, being alone and not having any companionship romantically, would be hard, too.


    My biggest issue is how far behind I feel. With my ex, we had this incredible lifestyle and I loved every minute with him. We went on great trips, we had an awesome group of friends, I spent holidays with his family and I dreamed of having a life with him -- moving into his huge house,
    sounds like you feel the same way toward this guy you're dating as your ex felt with you. Only he was honest about not staying in a relationship that he didn't see a future with. You're still holding the new guys hand because you're afraid of being alone. Also it sounds like you loved the lifestyle and the perks that went with it........not sure you loved the guy.

    You're settling because you're afraid to be alone......there is nothing to be afraid of, try it, you might like it.

     
    Old 01-02-2008, 03:35 PM   #5
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Hello Erin. Sorry to hear this is still painful for you.

    If it is in fact true that the biggest issue is that you're feeling behind your peers, then maybe that's the issue that needs addressing. Understand that you are comparing yourself to a very small group of the entire country's and world's population. There are lots of different people out there and lots of different ways to have a life, many of which are not dependent on relationship status or lack thereof. I am not saying you shouldn't desire or pursue marriage or a family, but instead understand that there are many possible people out there for us, at every age. Right now you seem to be suffering from a bit of tunnel vision. Life can change very quickly. Who knows where you'll be in a year, two years, five years? You still have plenty of time to have children and to do whatever it is your peers are doing now. Except that you'll have the advantage of having lived life to the fullest while you were young and able to enjoy it.

    Start taking risks. Maybe the first risk is telling this guy that you're not interested. Being alone can be scary but once you get comfortable with yourself you will feel a whole lot better.

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 12:18 AM   #6
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Erin94402 View Post
    ...while finding out he was dating would be hard (which I am sure will happen soon if not right now) it is also hard to know that he feels truly better off without me. That he'd be better off alone, without a relationship, without love in his life, than being with me... How could being alone and unloved be a better alternative to our relationship? I just can't get it.
    I imagine if I were in your shoes Erin, this would be the hardest point of the break-up for me. I had never really considered that before; the pain of a man leaving you for another woman as compared to the pain of a man leaving you simply because he regarded 'out of your company' the preferable way to be!

    I suppose the way to ward off the damage this could do to a womans sense of self worth would be to truly identify why he felt alone was the preferable way to be. It would be very easy for a woman to tell herself it was because she was not attractive and amusing and was generally unlovable, but that is intellectually lazy and you don't strike me as the sort of woman to take the short-cut route to figuring out what is going on.

    He seems to have made up his mind good and proper and he seems to have done so because he didn't feel the depth of commitment you did. That, to me, seems what this is all about; a man and woman who were on the same road heading in the same direction only he was dragging his heels and she was too busy looking forward to notice his indecision, so that it came to her as an almighty blow and smack in the face when he eventually turned around and said; "Yeah, ok, it's been nice walking with you, but it's time for me to turn back now!"

    In a nutshell, I think he could see where the relationship was headed; he knew the next pit-stops were living together/engagement rings/marriage/children and he was not committed enough to you or the relationship to take things that far.

    Erin, you may still think this man is Gods gift to women, and I know I may annoy you with this remark since I've never laid eyes on the man and on the back of that you may think I've no business to say so, but here you go anyway - Gods gift to women this man is not. I'm not saying he's [email protected] incarnate or anything like that, I'm sure he had his qualities; I'm sure he was funny, sexy, clever, all of that, but ask yourself, how warm was he? How affectionate? How open and honest did he seem, now, in retrospect?

    The reason I'm suggesting you dissect those aspects of the man in your own mind is because what he has done seems very disrespectful and uncaring to me. He continued with a relationship for 2+ years all the while knowing he was wasting a womans time, before he upped and left. Yes, he left the relationship for valid reasons, and if he did not feel as committed as you he ought to have left you to find someone just as committed to you as you to them; but none of that excuses the fact he's basically treated you like a leper since you split up. As far as I can see he's treated you shoddily during and after the relationship, to be honest; it was just that the 'during' part you were unaware of because he slyly kept those thoughts to himself.

    I don't know about anyone else, but if someone has spent 2+ years of their life as my constant companion, they deserve a damn phone call and an 'are you alright' query after the whole thing folds, especially if I'm the one who's done the folding. I know it's so hard to see things this way, but honestly, his behaviour since the break up really spells out to me that you're better off without.

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 06:14 AM   #7
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    This site is really fabulous sometimes...people like Laylah, Seraph, Happymom, larrylou offering such great insight that really helps ease some of the anxieties and heartbreak...giving us a "we can do it" state of mind. Then Rose...your slap in the face insight, I wish I knew you in real life because i think you are hilarious and so very honest.

    Anyway, Plasmo, I feel like your ex is just not a commitment kind of guy. It was him, not you. You said how it hurts that he is alone and just choosing not to be with you, well, maybe that is because the idea of taking the next steps is scary. And if that is the case, you are lucky to have gotten out at 28...instead of sticking around until later on and then finding out he had no intentions of taking it further.

    You want someone who wants what you want...with you. Dont settle for less.

    I tried seeing someone after my break up (3 months ago) and he liked me a lot. I just didnt feel the chemistry...and I am not ready yet, so I ended it. I think that being in a mediocre (SP) situation makes it harder because they you think of how much better it felt with your ex...so my advice, end it with the guy you're not that into. It is making you hurt more. It would be better to be on your own and eventually find someone you are head over heels for! Which you will.

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 07:08 AM   #8
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    I imagine if I were in your shoes Erin, this would be the hardest point of the break-up for me. I had never really considered that before; the pain of a man leaving you for another woman as compared to the pain of a man leaving you simply because he regarded 'out of your company' the preferable way to be!

    I suppose the way to ward off the damage this could do to a womans sense of self worth would be to truly identify why he felt alone was the preferable way to be. It would be very easy for a woman to tell herself it was because she was not attractive and amusing and was generally unlovable, but that is intellectually lazy and you don't strike me as the sort of woman to take the short-cut route to figuring out what is going on.
    I can sure attest to that. My ex didn't leave me for another woman, he just didn't want to be with me, in fact he told me he'd rather be alone for the rest of his life than compromise his values by being with me. I ran into a mutual friend a few months later and he told me he was a "very lonely boy." but that was preferable to him than being with me. Then when he met the next woman after me, he quickly moved in with and then married her, even though according to what he always told me, marrying her compromised his values pretty good, too. It was, and in truth still is, and probably always will be, a good sound kick in the teeth.

    But even though I miss the good times and a part of me still loves him, I know we never would have been happy together. I know that NOW, I didn't know it then. Hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps in time, when the freshness of the pain wears off, you'll be able to see the relationship in a more realistic light. Even if he was the greatest guy in the whole wide world, if he left you, all that means is that he's great for someone else. You deserve someone who will really really love you and want and appreciate you, and that wasn't him. No one will ever know why exactly, but the nice thing is, you really don't have to know. It was his choice and you had no control over that, so why beat yourself up over something that you had nothing to do with?

    Hang in there and be good to yourself.

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 07:26 AM   #9
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Thanks all for your posts. It is nice to hear others' take on things and can help put perspective where one may need it.

    Maybe he has issues with committment, maybe he has concerns with settling down, maybe he is someone who is better off alone, doing their own thing. And, as I told him when he left, I do truly and with all honesty, want him to be happy. Whether it is alone or with someone else. But he just destroyed me. And even though I know a lot of the cause of the breakup was him and what he needed and what he wanted, I still feel like I wasn't good enough, and if it I were prettier, funnier, smarter, it'd be different. I never really had self esteem issues until this breakup. But I just keep wishing I were better and if I were it would have made him stay. I just adored him. I would have done anything for him. It wasn't one-sided and we had a really great bond and chemisty. I just wanted to support him and make his life better and be with him. He was a major priority to me, but I guess I didn't rank that high with him.

    Friends keep saying that this is him and his choice and maybe it's timing and it didn't matter who it was with him, he would have ended it. But I just don't agree. No matter what your goals or fears, I feel like if you love someone you do all you can to make it work and you give it everything you can. I loved him like that and I thought he loved me like that, too. But I was wrong. In all this, I was wrong, and that is what is hard to swallow -- I thought I would marry him. I thought I would have children with him. I thought it would be us forever. Everyone thought that. Except him. And I felt so, so strongly about it all and I was so dead wrong. Thinking about that can still make me catch my breath in my front. It's like I flabbergasted myself -- I never felt more sure of anything than my feelings for him and what I thought we would have and I was wrong. It makes you question everything about yourself, especially your judgment, which is the one thing so many people know they can inherently rely on. But I can't, it seems. And that is just shocking to me still, 8 months later.

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 09:11 AM   #10
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Hi Erin. I just wanted to comment on your feeling of not being pretty enough, smart enough, etc. I went through an extremely similar situation a few years ago. It took me a very long time to get over it and I felt exactly the way you are feeling now. Here's the thing about people- it is very hard to explain why we love someone or not. Look around you. I'm sure you see many people who are not the prettiest, smartest, etc. and are in loving relationships with someone that may seem too good/not good enough for that person. Often times people will date someone who is the complete opposite of what they think they want, or they will date someone who by anyone else's standards is a completely inappropriate choice. There are just way too many factors in what makes us love one another. I know you feel right now that his rejection of you automatically deems you as substandard. But that's not true. Sometimes we leave people because they're too smart, and we are intimidated or put off by it. Sometimes we leave people because they are too pretty, and we feel threatened by it (subconsciously, of course). I am not saying that was the case with your ex, just that you have to be very careful of trying to figure out someone else's motivation and brain. It is extremely complex. Whatever he felt was missing has everything to do with things you have absolutely no control over; his upbringing, his dating history, his own neuroses and fears. We all have them and it is so subconscious sometimes we don't even realize it.

    Don't start going in circles (like I did!) trying to figure it out and be 'better'. Yes, we should all strive to be better in our lives, but only in ways we think are necessary and ultimately for our own satisfaction. Because guess what I came to a few years later? That the original me was a lot better than the one I was trying to be after the breakup. My friends can attest to this.

    Really, hang in there and it will get better. He is not the devil, nor is he god's gift to women. He is someone who puts his pants on one leg at a time, and perhaps a day will come in the future where you can look at it neutrally and not have to feel all the bad and good emotions associated with him.

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 12:54 PM   #11
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Erin94402 View Post
    ...I felt so, so strongly about it all and I was so dead wrong. Thinking about that can still make me catch my breath in my front. It's like I flabbergasted myself -- I never felt more sure of anything than my feelings for him and what I thought we would have and I was wrong. It makes you question everything about yourself, especially your judgment, which is the one thing so many people know they can inherently rely on. But I can't, it seems. And that is just shocking to me still, 8 months later.
    I feel for you reading those words Erin, I really do. I can fully identify with them, not in the context of a relationship ending, but in the context of having been cheated on. Both contain elements of abandonment and betrayal I suppose.

    I don't have much in the way of practical advice because I haven't been in your exact situation, but I hope you can take some small degree of comfort in solidarity because I don't think there's a half-way mature woman alive who hasn't felt the pain reflected in your words above. {{hugs}}

    Laylah

     
    Old 01-03-2008, 01:03 PM   #12
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Laylah View Post
    I imagine if I were in your shoes Erin, this would be the hardest point of the break-up for me. I had never really considered that before; the pain of a man leaving you for another woman as compared to the pain of a man leaving you simply because he regarded 'out of your company' the preferable way to be!
    I really have to agree that this would have to be the hardest part of the breakup Erin. I'm so sorry that you are still struggling with this. Seeing your thread here makes me feel badly for the way I broke up with a couple of my exes. I guess I wasn't the "nicest" in my past.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but the guys who broke up with me always had another woman. Hopefully time will help you to get through this. Like bulletproof said, maybe one day you will be able to look at him indifferently, but until then you need to remember that he is just another person.

     
    Old 01-06-2008, 04:38 PM   #13
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Just as an update, the new guy I hadn't felt a connection with and I broke up tonight. It is for the best and I know it is the healthiest thing to do, since I hadn't seen it going anywhere and hadn't wanted it to since we met four months ago, but it still stinks. I am still sad and I can't stop crying.

    We had a nice day skiing and on the way home he asked, like he had times before, where I saw us going. Before I'd always said that I was just having fun and seeing where it was going and was not looking for something very serious. Which is true, but I knew all along that he wasn't right for me. So I told him that I enjoed spending time with him, but honestly, I didn't see us going further than the level we were at. He said he has felt that was the case and had started thinking about it too te last week or so. He asked me when I knew it didn't have long term potential. I was quiet, and he said "from the get go?" I said yes and that I was sorry. He said he understood. We talked more about why and what we'd been feeling and were on the same page, except I had felt there wasn't really passion or excitement there since the start and he just realized it this past week or two.

    We talked about what to do -- break up and never talk; do the friends with benefits thing (not really my thing); just be friends; or keep seeing each other casually as we kind of had and separating when one of us had enough or met someone else. None of it is ideal, then again, this relationship was never ideal. We had a pretty open talk about how we each felt dating when there wasn't a future for either of us in it -- that we enjoyed the comfort and companionship and we obviously got along and had fun and the physical aspect was always a great match, it;s just that the spark was never there for me, and he realized just now that it was missing for him, too.

    So, we said bye for now and he said he wanted to think about things for awhile. He said he'd call in a few days and maybe we could get together, have a drink. I joked that that was basically the RL we had now, and he laughed, said it was true. We agreed no matter what, we'd be good "activity partners" -- we even discussed going skiing again in a few weeks. Who does that while they break up, right? So, we just hugged for a minute or two and just stood there. I teared up and he asked if I was ok. I said yes, just that I was glad he had said something and it had been on my mind for awhile, but it was still sad, a RL without feelings or emotions.

    I left, came home and have been crying since. I am not ready for being single and alone. I can't handle it, I think. That's why I stayed in it when I knew it wasn't going to work out long term. I just am afriad of being without someone. I feel like a loser to be single when all of my friends are married. I judge myself based on whether I am with someone, I feel others do, too. I just feel pathetic and even though this was not a great RL with him, it was something. I was involved. And someone was thinking of me. Someone was looking forward to seeing me. And now it is back to nothing.

     
    Old 01-07-2008, 06:30 AM   #14
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    you have to stop basing your self-worth on whether you have a man in your life or not.......there is no reason to hang on to a relationship that isn't working just to have someone. you need to be on your own and not even look for a relationship right now because you are looking for one for all the wrong reasons. even if you find one, eventually it will be destined to fail because you are trying to find a relationship to make you feel better about yourself and that's the wrong reason.
    look inside yourself for a while.......forget about relationships at this point in time.

     
    Old 01-07-2008, 08:07 AM   #15
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    Re: 8 Months Since Breakup -- Feel Left Behind and Running Out of Time

    Erin, (((hugs))) to you, I know it's hard and I'm sorry you feel bad. It will just take some time.

    I know how you feel totally, but I do agree with Rosequartz to a large degree. Our society tells us we can have anything we want if we are willing to work for it and if we want it badly enough. So if we end up not getting something we really really want, we feel like a huge, big fat failure, and that it's all our fault, and something must really be wrong with us if we can't go out and get what we want like other people to. And to choose to be single and childless is one thing, but to be forced to live a life of celibacy and being alone and not having a life partner or a family when you really really wanted one, well, that is a very very bitter pill to swallow, and of course it's going to be a huge blow to your self esteem. Everyone else around you is worthy of love, has a spouse, has someone who loves them, and you feel like you're the only loser in the whole world not good enough to be loved by anyone.

    Now hold on, here's my point - I don't believe that's really how it works. I don't believe you can be another Eistein or another Whitney Houston or another Mikhail Baryshnikov just because you really really want to be. You can study math, voice or dance all your life, and work as hard as it as you know how, but if God didn't bless you with a natural aptitude for it, you're not going to make it. So why beat yourself up for it?

    Life isn't fair, and no one knows why some people get the things we would die for and we don't. All we can do is adjust our perspective as best we can and be grateful for the things we have been blessed with and the things we can make and create. And be patient. After all, you're still young, your story's not all written yet, and who knows what's just around the corner.

    Not being loved by anyone when you really want to be will always hurt, that's just how it is. I know I will never feel as good about myself single as I felt when I thought someone loved me. Being loved by someone, having someone you think the world of wrap his arms around you, tell you he loves you and smile down at you, there's just nothing like it in the world, and nothing can replace it or be a reasonable substitution for it. It just adds something to your life that all the self esteem classes, all the accomplishments you achieve on your own, can't. But that's just not a good enough reason to cling to a relationship that isn't right. Look at it this way - if you are wasting your time with Mr. Wrong, how is Mr. Right ever going to find you? He's going to have one heck of a time trying to date you if you are either dating someone else to keep from being lonely, or staying hidden away crying your eyes out all the time because you're alone. That's no way to find Mr. Right. maybe the pain, the loneliness and how hard it is to stand on your own, is what you have to experience and go through and get through in order to become the person that you will be when you are ready for the love of your life. This is what God, fate, life, whatever, has given you to deal with at this point in time, and there's a reason for it. It sucks that it's not what you wanted at this point in time, but the sooner you work through it, the sooner you can get to the next part of your life, and who knows who that might bring? Hang tough.

    Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-07-2008 at 08:10 AM.

     
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