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    Old 01-04-2008, 08:32 PM   #1
    ChanceFL
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    Divorcing and Depressed

    I posted here a month or so ago about my wanting to divorce my husband of ten years who has serious problems with drinking. Anyway, I filed for divorce last month, he was served with papers, and now the 20 days he had to respond are up. So now, I have to go to the courthouse and file some more papers in order to get a hearing for the divorce to be finalized.

    Well. I don't know if I was in denial or what, but a month ago I felt confident that I was making the right choice, Now, I keep doubting myself. It doesn't help that we are still living in the same house and he has been exceptionally nice over the past few weeks. Right after I filed, I basically seperated myself from him (didn't talk to him, moved into the spare room, etc). However, in the past few weeks, I find myself going to him for comfort and talking to him like we are still a couple and this is making me crazy. I know one of us needs to move out, but financially it is so difficult.

    So my question for those of you out there who have been through a divorce is this--is it normal to experience these periods of guilt, regret, and uncertainty? I just feel like I am such a horrible person for doing this and the depression and anxiety are unbelievable! I never thought I could feel such pain and anguish. My husband goes back and forth with his emotions too. One day he's crying and saying that he doesn't want a divorce and the next he's mad and saying that he hates me. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to handle this anxiety and I am just going to go back with him out of fear of being on my own.

    Thanks for listening everyone and I appreciate any insight any of you can give me who have been in this situation.

     
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    Old 01-04-2008, 10:36 PM   #2
    chevyman
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    hi,
    Why were you divorcing him?
    Its obvious that you still care for him and he cares for you, but I'm not sure if its love or just infactuation/or even just financially stable on your part if you don't work?....emotions do play a big part in ''clouding'' up ones mind.
    Also remember if he drinks the alchol can be doing his talking.

    if you have a doubt call off the divorce preceedings, work things out, but if you don't love him anymore then get a divorce, if you don't know? then its going to be hard for anyone to help you darling.

     
    Old 01-05-2008, 05:14 AM   #3
    happymom28
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    You have been second guessing yourself all along, haven't you? Of course your husband is going to pull the "I love you" / "I hate you" game right now. He is really scared that you are actually going to go through with the divorce. He is doing anything he can to guilt you right now.

    Yes, your feelings are normal. Divorce is a HUGE step and even when it for all the right reasons you still wonder if it is the right decision. All major life decisions are like that. But ask yourself this, what efforts has your husband made to be a better husband? Has he done anything to try to make your marriage better? Has his drinking stopped? Does he see he has/had a problem? If you answer no to these questions then you need to realize that things will not change.

    I know finances are tough, but one of you guys needs to leave. You need to distance yourself from him. A spare bedroom isn't going to work. You need a clear head. Divorce is stressful enough without having to deal with the person you are divorcing making you feel guilty for trying to do what is best for you. He won't leave because he thinks this is how he can get you to back off. You need to make the move.

     
    Old 01-05-2008, 05:13 PM   #4
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    Is he still drinking? I guess that's all you really need to ask yourself.

     
    Old 01-05-2008, 06:41 PM   #5
    Stillsearching
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    Dear ChanceFl,

    I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time. Nothing can ever prepare someone for a divorce, just like nobody can prepare us for childbirth. No matter what, both will hurt.

    I've been divorced since my son was 2 years old, he's now 20. I haven't remarried because my divorce has traumatized me. I salute everybody who's been through a divorce and tries again by remarrying.

    What you're experiencing is natural. I too have experienced similar feelings. My ex-husband was also a drinker, was a cocaine user and the straw that broke the camel's back was when he'd hit me. We have a child and I've told him that I refuse to raise a child in a home when one of the parent is a substance abuser. Drugs and alcohol are very strong substances and my ex-husband was under both of its spell. He'd lost his family over it. We haven't heard from or about him since 1992. We too went back & forth because we doubted ourselves.

    There are things you can do to ensure that this is what you want.

    You may try to want a trial separation. File it with the courts so you can have something that's binding. You two have 10 years worth of assets to protect, especially your house. One of you would have to move out. Living under the same roof is not good for either one of you because it will not give you the indication of living separately.

    You may also want to date to see what's out there. As I'd previously said, one of you must move out. If you do this while living together, he may become jealous and do something regrettable.

    Join a support group. Eighteen years ago when I was going through my divorce, there wasn't any support group for people who are going through a divorce. Now, I see and hear so many. You may benefit from it knowing and talking face to face with people who are also going through a similar situation. The support you'll get from a group is therapeutic. There's usually a moderator who maybe also a licensed counselor.

    Tell your family and friends. They will be your biggest supporters. Ask them for their help by lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear for you to spill your disappointments and hurt. They will be your biggest supporters.

    These are just a few suggestions. By moving out, your husband may be forced to see his problems and face it. He may go to an AA meeting and join a group. He would have to do this on your own. This would also give you an idea what the world's like outside of a marriage. It has significantly changed... and it could be scary. This will also give you space to know yourself again and think things through.

    Most of us go into marriage hoping that it will be "till death do us part". Most of us go in with good intentions. Somehow, some falter from the marriage and it forces us to examine if this is something we can handle.

    Looking back at my own brief marriage, it was the right thing to do for me. I was so young, scared with a baby. I was barely an adult when I've decided to file for a divorce and leave my husband. But I have a responsibility to our son and a responsibility to myself. I know I wouldn't have been able to live with myself nor look at myself in the mirror if I were to tolerate the abuse he was giving me.

    Hang in there. You are a strong woman to even consider this action. No, it's never easy to end something we value so much, and I'm sure you still love your husband or you wouldn't be struggling like this. It's okay. Just remember why you are doing this and remember all of the things that has happened for you to come to this conclusion. You will be okay, just as me and my son are today. Grieve through this... it will take a while before you feel "okay" again. But you must grieve through this because it's a death of a marriage. And be kind to youself. As women, we are naturally tough on ourselves especially in today's society. A lot of us have outside influences pressuring us to be "a certain woman" when just being you is enough. You need all the kindness in the world right now and the best kindness you can receive would be coming from yourself.

    Lastly, no matter what the outcome is, you have to forgive yourself.

    *big hugs to you*

    Last edited by Stillsearching; 01-05-2008 at 06:47 PM.

     
    Old 01-05-2008, 07:18 PM   #6
    KeltoKel
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    Does he know you are divorcing him because of his drinking? If so, has he stopped drinking or sought help? If not, there is your answer. Of course you feel guilty, that is normal, but you have to decide whether or not you want him in your life as an alcoholic.

    You said he is being nice to you, but is he begging you to reconsider the divorce? Perhaps the two of you are better as friends.

    Best of luck. This is naturally going to be hard for you b/c it is a big change. However, if you are not happy and in love with your husband, then you need to move on.

     
    Old 01-05-2008, 11:10 PM   #7
    ChanceFL
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    Thank you all very much for your wonderful responses. I believe I am still in love with my husband, but it's not a healthy love. It's more of a codependant love, and I know now that that is the worst type of relationship to be in. I have tried to accept his drinking because he doesn't physically abuse me and he doesn't cheat on me, so I thought it was okay. But over time, I realized that my emotional needs were not getting met. How could they be when he passes out on the couch most of the time and spends his days off drinking and arguing with me? I realize that I am not perfect--I know that there are several issues that I need to work on with myself before I can even think about getting into another relationship down the road.

    A few of you asked whether or not he has quit drinking since I filed for divorce and the answer is no. He stopped for a few days here and there, but for the most part, he has spent the entire time blaming me and then crying and feeling sorry for himself. For the last week he was really sweet, but he wasn't completely alcohol free. He has told me repeatedly that he will never quit entirely.

    I'm just really scared. I met my husband when I was so young, and although I'm sure I could be self sufficient financially, I'm afraid that I'm going to crack under the pressure emotionally and lose everything (job, home, car, etc) and end up living back with my parents or something. I never imagined that divorce could be this difficult. Probably because I never imagined I would be going through it. Stillsearching, I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to get remarried. I was already thinking the same thing. I would never want to go through this again.

    Thanks again for all the advice and support you all have given me here. It always helps to talk to others and you guys are great.

     
    Old 01-06-2008, 05:58 PM   #8
    tiredmomm
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    Re: Divorcing and Depressed

    I can say that you have the courage that I Wish I had I wish you all the luck and confidence in the world as a woman, I feel your pain as tears stream down my face as I write this, You are doing the right thing and you dooo deserve better , many hugs to you, I would be out in a heartbeat if i didnt have my twins, and I dream every night of a man that loves me for me and actually cares about me and my family and how we are doing and about spending time with us, not the bottle, you deserve that too, and hes out there, and so is your sanity, hope that helped

     
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