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    Old 01-08-2008, 12:50 AM   #1
    Undertheweather
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    New boyfriend and drug use question

    I have just started a relationship with a great guy the only problem is he has told me that he use to be a drug user and up until recently was smoking pot. He says that he hasn’t smoked pot since he has met me which was only 2 and half weeks ago and he also seems to drink a fair bit. The thing I am wanting to know is are there any signs I can look for to know if he is still using or not? When I am with him I have noticed he quiet often has the shakes is his a sign of him needing a fix? Apart from the shakes I haven’t noticed anything else

     
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    Old 01-08-2008, 03:32 AM   #2
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    There are plenty of warning signs, and plenty of sources to educate yourself about this. Go cautiously, be careful about trusting him until you know more about drug abuse and how it may affect your relationship. Fair play to him for being upfront about it, that is a good sign. Good luck, Sera

     
    Old 01-08-2008, 08:16 AM   #3
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    What has he admitted to using? No offense, but are you using the word 'fix' because you don't know any better? If he's a harcore user, I doubt he be hanging out with you, unless you've 'partied' with him. What I'm saying is that if you're a nice 'good' girl, I'd bet he's just a recreational user and he likes you enough to be able to tell you about it and is willing to give it up for you. I'd go easy on him and see how it goes. I'd bet the shakes are just nervousness from being with you.

    Quite frankly, most guys do things that most girls would never do. Most, if not all of my friends are suprised they made it through their 20's. On a same note, I got a kick out of a recent thread at where a lady caught her husband at a strip club and freaked out. It was like, good grief girl, 99.99% of guys go to on occasion or have been to a strip club in the past, yes the married one's too, and the married ones lie about it.

    Bottom line, guys do things that can easily horrify women, we are guys.

     
    Old 01-08-2008, 08:20 AM   #4
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    Undertheweather,

    Please don't go down this road!!! I'm not saying that he is not a good person but, you are seeing the warning signs right now!! I don't believe that you get the shakes from pot. You need to make a logical decision soon as you have just met him and are already questioning his actions. Also, depending on what drugs that he did abuse, you have to be careful of diseases too. Just be careful whatever decision you make.
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    Old 01-08-2008, 09:56 AM   #5
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    Everyone has their past. I have tried/used every drug under the sun, and never got addicted to any of them or lived that "lifestyle". My step dad used to be into white drugs in his 20's, but has since totally left that life behind.
    People are saying to ohhh "be careful" but what person are you ever going to date that you aren't going to be cautious about?

    I highly doubt that he has the shakes cause he needs a fix. You seem to be pretty square so I doubt he would want to hang out with you if he was still on drugs. He would need a chick that's into the same things he likes.

    Give him a break, shaking also comes from nerves. Be careful, but don't be paranoid.

    Do you see him on a regular basis? Do you see him eat? sleep? does he wake up in the morning or sleep all day? these are a few of the things you should be looking for if you think he's still using.. Good luck!

    Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 01-08-2008 at 09:57 AM.

     
    Old 01-08-2008, 04:13 PM   #6
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    His has told me that he has pretty much used everything except for heroin, he says he wont touch it because he has seen what it has done to his brother and sister. He has had to call the ambulance a couple of times for his sister because she overdosed, his says that she no longer uses heroin but still smokes pot. He said that up until he met me he would smoke pot all day but that when he is with me he never even thinks about doing it, we have spent 4 days straight together although each day he went to see his brother for a couple of hours and I know that his brother smokes pot so I am wondering if maybe that’s why he went there. His says he really likes me and wants to change but I am not sure if I should believe him, I have trust issues as I was with my ex for 7 years and he did nothing but lie to me so now I find it hard to believe anyone. I have only ever tried pot twice when I was about 16 and I would never try anything harder than pot, I am now 26 and he is 21. He has also had a couple of friends die from drug overdose. But apart from his past he seems like a great guy, I have two young children and he is great with them he helps me around the house and cooks dinner, he is still young and seems very willing to change and my friends think his seems like a great guy but I am just hoping I can trust him when he says he doesn’t do drugs anymore. If he hadnt told me about his past and his drug use then I would have had no idea that he was into smoking pot

    Last edited by Undertheweather; 01-08-2008 at 04:46 PM.

     
    Old 01-08-2008, 10:48 PM   #7
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    While I won't fault anyone for a little recreational drug use, I can't say the good in this guy out weighs the bad at the moment, Sounds like if you were not around he'd be just another slacker getting stoned all day, not good. His siblings present a scary situation too. I'd like to suggest to follow your heart but be careful for the most part, however I don't like what you've written about him at this point.

     
    Old 01-09-2008, 12:16 PM   #8
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Undertheweather View Post
    His has told me that he has pretty much used everything except for heroin, he says he wont touch it because he has seen what it has done to his brother and sister. He has had to call the ambulance a couple of times for his sister because she overdosed, his says that she no longer uses heroin but still smokes pot. He said that up until he met me he would smoke pot all day but that when he is with me he never even thinks about doing it, we have spent 4 days straight together although each day he went to see his brother for a couple of hours and I know that his brother smokes pot so I am wondering if maybe that’s why he went there. His says he really likes me and wants to change but I am not sure if I should believe him, I have trust issues as I was with my ex for 7 years and he did nothing but lie to me so now I find it hard to believe anyone. I have only ever tried pot twice when I was about 16 and I would never try anything harder than pot, I am now 26 and he is 21. He has also had a couple of friends die from drug overdose. But apart from his past he seems like a great guy, I have two young children and he is great with them he helps me around the house and cooks dinner, he is still young and seems very willing to change and my friends think his seems like a great guy but I am just hoping I can trust him when he says he doesn’t do drugs anymore. If he hadnt told me about his past and his drug use then I would have had no idea that he was into smoking pot
    Ok i was going to initially say give him a chance, but then i read that he had done much harder drugs then just weed, thats a sign right there, and the other thing that stuck out to me was that, hes only 21, this guy is still very very young and the fact that he has a pretty heavy drug past, i doubt he is going to leave it any time soon, and when he said he is going to his brothers, theres no doubt that he smoked with him over there, i've been off and on with weed, and when your around it, it makes it all that more difficult to stop it, so dont be fooled and just be real about the signs you see, you might think hes great but that might just be lonelyness talking for you, he sounds like hes to immature at this point in his life and i doubt he would sincerly choose you over his "party" life, maybe he would for a week, or a month, but i doubt indefinitly... so i guess all you can do is proceed with caution, you dont want another child accidently with this man, let alone maybe even a relationship..

     
    Old 01-10-2008, 01:08 PM   #9
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    I'm reading everyones responses, and you all have valid points.

    You can't base him being a "druggie" by his past. I know a lot of people who have tried certain drugs, but that does not by any means mean they're addicted. I could see there being a red flag if he had said to you "I used to have a *insert drug name here* addiction", but lot's of people have tried different drugs, just to try it out.

    I totally can relate with the trust issues, but you can't base ex's on current partners, otherwise you'll drive yourself (and him) crazy. You have to give him credit on being upfront and honest about his drug past. If he was smoking pot with his brother, I would think that you would be able to tell (red eyes, "pasties", munchies etc) My boyfriend smokes pot almost every day, and it doesn't really bother me, but then again everyone is different.

    I think you should definately give him a chance.. Maybe he is serious about wanting to change. Ask him if you could go to his brother's house with him? Maybe that could take some of the suspicion off? I can definately understand about the trust issues. Like I said, don't base every new relationship on an ex. Everyone is different. I would also think that you saying that you were in a relationship with a liar, you'd be able to see some red flags, if you really thought he was lying.

    Best of luck to you, and keep us updated.

     
    Old 01-19-2008, 11:10 PM   #10
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    UPDATE

    Sorry its so long

    Well I decided to give him a chance and up until last night things had been going great, we have been together for 3 weeks and have spent pretty much every day and night together. Well last night we went to the pub for my friends going away dinner and everything was going good, but by about 10:30 I was starting to feel sick and just wanted to go home to bed so I asked my boyfriend if we could go and he said yeah that’s fine if you want to go then we will, so I said good bye to my friends and then went to my boyfriend and said ok lets go and he was like oh your friend has just gone to buy my a beer (he had brought her a drink earlier in the night so she was just buying him one back) so I said ok that’s fine I am going home so I will meet you back at home (I wasn’t angry or anything it really was ok as I live very close walking distance to the pub) so he said he would quickly drink his beer and come home as quick as he could so everything was fine and I left. I got home had a smoke and went to my room to put my pj’s on and as I started getting change he arrived back, I was thinking how good it was that he had kept his word and been quick. But as soon as I saw him I realized he was very drunk that was ok but then he told me how he was talking to my friend that lives next door to me, she seems to really like him (as in very attracted to him) and he knows this, he went on to say she put her arm around him and he puts his around her and she asked him for his number and he gave it to her and got her number off him and she said she would call him. I was so upset as she is in a long distance relationship and she cheats on her boyfriend which my boyfriend knows this and he has told me how he has cheated on previous girlfriends. So now I am really worried he is going to cheat on me with her. It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t live next door, when I go to work my boyfriend is in my home alone so it would be easy for him to cheat on me with her in my house. I am so worried. He deleted her number but she still has his and he easily could have saved her number under a different name, would should I do? He says he would never cheat and that the got each others numbers because she said she might come over and have a couple of drinks, but I said to him if she wants to come over she has my number she could call me theres no reason for her to have your number. He is now saying that he feels really bad and that it feels like he has cheated on me, I just don’t know if I can believe him. When this happened he had been drinking all day and is on painkillers which makes the effects of alcohol stronger and he shouldn’t have been drinking, but my so called friend had just come from work and she was completely sober so she knew what she was doing. What should I do??
    I also must add that if he didnt be totally honest with me and tell me about it then I never would have found out. I have rang my friends today to ask them if any of them saw them together and a friend said yeah she saw them talking but that he left pretty much just after me, because I was worried they may have kissed but my other friends are pretty sure they didnt

    Last edited by Undertheweather; 01-19-2008 at 11:15 PM.

     
    Old 01-20-2008, 03:23 AM   #11
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    You need to get rid of this alcoholic idiot.

     
    Old 01-20-2008, 04:27 AM   #12
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    Ouch. I really feel for you. This guy might have some potential underneath that I sense you see, granted, but you have to cut it right now! I recognise so much in this guy, from a guy one of my female friends got mixed up with.

    He seems to have so much potential as an interesting, dynamic person. He is charming, eloquent, can really make you feel like you are in good company. He makes you feel lonely without him.

    He is probably addicted to pharmaceuticals (moggies, uppers, downers, whatever), as well as many other drugs on the side but to a level generally considered recreational. He lies and manipulates. He often plays the little boy card, the vulnerable state "I feel so bad I feel I've cheated on you but I haven't... etc etc etc" He uses guilt to an unbelievable level. But his primary weapon is confusion and sophistry. He always comes out smelling of roses (even as he falsely wipes **** on himself in "humility"). All through which being a lying piece of crap is the oil that makes the machine turn.

    Now I might not be right on the mark but are you seeing something in what I say? If not... wait a few months... the signs are there.

    The guy I am talking about turned my female friend into a junkie, because he was such a liberal thinker and such a fragile flower that he claimed had "no right" not to shoot her up when she showed some (innocent, misguided, temporary) interest. A year on and she was accepting his domination and manipulation and even his blame for making him turn to drugs. They were going to narcs anonymous together like they were the last two people in the world.

    I saw a lot of this guy, in some ways I really really liked his company - still would. In the end after trying to reason, get him to back off, get him to stop manipulating everyone, get him to take responsibility, I had to drive him out of my house repeatedly virtually physically to get him to **** off out of my life. And even then it was only possible with a winsome smile on my face - he would not back down or go away unless he "Won". She is still stuck with him, sucked down to his level, far as I know.

    Of course, this is another guy, but I just get the same vibes from what you are saying.
    It really, really sounds to me like you need to get away from him. And that you will not win an argument with a lyer and manipulator, so forget that right now, just get your own strength, and extract.

    And... you will NOT save him. He needs to learn to be honest for a start before that will EVER happen. He is at the start of a long, long journey if it is to go well, and you are not suitable and not right and not what he needs and you can't help.

    Absolute best of luck. I think you sound like a wonderful lady deserving of a great guy (again, like my friend!) Look after yourself.

    Last edited by subbster; 01-20-2008 at 04:34 AM.

     
    Old 01-20-2008, 04:52 AM   #13
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    Re: New boyfriend and drug use question

    A couple more points Undertheweather (kt tunstall? beautiful song)

    Like your guy, this other guy had all sorts of horror stories why he didn't use heavy drugs too much (eg, crying, really meaning it, he would relate how his best friend died because he introduced him to heroin. Then going and shooting up in the bathroom without your knowledge)

    Like you, my friend was tolerant, uncertain, soft, and especially a mother with a kid, and this seemed to be a big part of the attraction.

    She never got away from him because she felt she had to "solve" it, provide answers to his incredibly persuasive and confusing arguments why they should stay together, all the while being degraded and confidence eroded by swallowing lies (like you already have with the neighbour event) and abuse (after about six months he started telling her how much everything was her fault, how he wanted to hurt her, etc).

    I am very concerned that you are already showing signs of submission: being "Worried" he's going to cheat on you after, what, a couple of weeks? You should not be worried, you should be ****** off and booting his arse out the door!

    My friend felt that without validated answers she had no right to judge him and no right to leave him. I hope you see that the way out of some situations is simply to get out of it, not make sense of it.

     
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