It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board

  • Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

  • Post New Thread   Closed Thread
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 01-10-2008, 06:25 AM   #1
    chris1985
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 9
    chris1985 HB User
    Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Hi,

    I'm a 22 year-old male. My fiancee and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years now, and just 3 months ago I asked her to marry me. Of course she said yes. Things have always been pretty good in our relationship except for the sex. I would really like to have sex at least 4 times a week. Right now we have sex maybe twice a week. It's really more like once a week and only during the weekend. I've talked about this with her many times and it always comes back to the fact that she is on anxiety medication which she says decreases her sex drive. This is extremely frustrating because we're basically stuck in a cycle where I want more sex and she doesn't want to/has no urge to have more sex.

    Is it wrong for me to question our relationship because of the frequency of our sex? I told her that I'm not satisfied and I can't be in a relationship where the sex is hardly there. I explained to her that sex is a very important part of a relationship, and of course she thinks otherwise and thinks I'm a jerk for being so shallow. I don't really know what to think. I need some thoughts on this, and maybe some insight on how often everyone actually has sex, as well as your age and relationship status.

     
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 01-10-2008, 08:13 AM   #2
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,258
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by chris1985 View Post
    Hi,

    Right now we have sex maybe twice a week. It's really more like once a week and only during the weekend. I told her that I'm not satisfied and I can't be in a relationship where the sex is hardly there.
    first of all twice a week is a far cry from "hardly there".
    but that's neither here nor there.......it you two are not compatable sexually, than I advise you to think twice about marriage, because it will dwindle off even more.

     
    Old 01-10-2008, 08:55 AM   #3
    jen52983
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Location: pennsylvania
    Posts: 1,351
    jen52983 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    I agree that sex is an important part of the relationship.. but it's not the most important part. Twice a week is still pretty active. I'm sure my boyfriend would like us to be having more sex, and I would too really. But we have totally different schedules, I work 9am-5pm.. he works 4pm - midnight.. I'm on my way to bed when he's just getting home... so we don't have sex usually until the weekend as well! I can't help that I'm too tired during the week!!

    As frustrating as it must be, you need to ask yourself what's more important.. your future and life with this woman, or getting off a few more times during the week??

    I think you have three options:
    1. accecpt that she's on meds that alter her sex drive, enjoy the sex you do have, and help yourself out on nights she's not "in the mood."

    2. talk to her about trying a new medication. if she tells her doctor that it's lower her sex drive, maybe they'll know of one she can try. if she's willing, then go from there..

    3. look at is as incompatibility and end it. (which I think should be considered last if at all)

    If not getting sex as often as you'd like is the worst of your problems, then I'd consider yourself fortunate.

     
    Old 01-10-2008, 08:59 AM   #4
    hoopty
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2007
    Location: USA
    Posts: 115
    hoopty HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    I agree with what rose says on this matter. I mean if it's that scant now, what's it going to be like in 10 years?...and 10 years will be here in the blink of an eye! For the most part, people seem to have sex quite often before they are married(or early on in marriage) and gradually it slows to about once a week. If it bugs you now, it's probably not going to get any better.
    __________________
    Monkey see...monkey do...
    Secrets are nothing more than lies in disguise.
    Love is fragile...handle with care!

    Last edited by hoopty; 01-10-2008 at 08:59 AM.

     
    Old 01-10-2008, 09:23 AM   #5
    jen52983
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Location: pennsylvania
    Posts: 1,351
    jen52983 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    I don't think sex alone is reason enough to end a relationship. If someone broke up with me because they weren't getting sex as often as they would like then I'd feel they were selfish and shallow. It's not like you're not getting sex AT ALL... its just not as often as you want it. Also, I don't think that sex alone being an issue can be considered incompatibility. Are there constant problems elsewhere in the relationship??

    Also.. it's not that she's flat out refusing you.. she's on medication for a problem she can't control and it just so happens that a side effect is decreased sex drive.. which is often the case with depression and anxiety meds.

    I'd start with asking her to think about trying a new medication and seeing what she says. Go from there...

     
    Old 01-10-2008, 09:31 AM   #6
    pendulum
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Apr 2007
    Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
    Posts: 3,933
    pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by chris1985 View Post
    ... I don't really know what to think. I need some thoughts on this, and maybe some insight on how often everyone actually has sex, as well as your age and relationship status.
    I may be wrong, but I think that for a man to want to have sex at least 4 times a week with his partner is a bit too unrealistic. It may well happen one, two, three months a year, but I don't think that such a frequency is something you can always count upon. What about the days when she is having her period? Many women can't even think of sex on those days. Also, as the old operetta song says ("la donna è mobile"), a woman's desire changes and fluctuates almost randomly. A word you say, a simple gesture... may change everything in her. Ok, this is an exaggeration, but anyway it doesn't seem you can expect a woman to have a steady desire, if you see what I mean.

    When or if you marry, your own pattern will change, because other aspects of your relationship, other priorities will also enter the big picture.

    I for one would think that ending the relationship is maybe too drastic at this point, and even more so if you consider the fact that she is on medication and this situation can therefore be temporary. As Jen puts it, you have other options.

    Anyway, it is up to you. If you really can't live without the four or five-time(s)-a-week model and if it is impossible to negotiate it with her, then it'd be better for you to move on. The other posters are right: the frequency will tend to reduce even more, but probably so will your interest in sex, as you grow older in age.

     
    Old 01-10-2008, 09:54 AM   #7
    StenoLady1
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2005
    Location: USA
    Posts: 1,645
    StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Boy, tough call. So much at play here.

    First, your ages. You're in your prime. She's not. Her prime will be in about 10 to 15 years, just when you're winding down, comparing sex with playing pool with a rope. I speak from experience on this one. This is probably one of the cruelest jokes our maker did to us.

    Next, she's medicated on top of not being near her prime. Yes, she should talk to her doctor. There are absolutely alternative meds she could try. But you also have to prepare yourself for the fact that (a) another med won't make a difference; (b) these effects could be permanent or longstanding; and (c) these are things couples have to deal with (meds affecting libido). What if the shoe were on the other foot and you were being prescribed something that gave you ED or decreased libido? It could happen. You're talking about marriage here. You don't know what a blood pressure medication is going to do to your libido or erection in 10, 20 years -- right when she's finally wanting sex 24/7 no less.

    Also, I beg to differ about marriage suddenly meaning less sex. My hubby and I met when we were 19. The pill killed my libido all during my 20s. We had sex a few times a year. I finally went off the pill in my early 30s, started hitting my sexual prime, wanted sex ALL THE TIME, DH found out he had ED, we found something good to treat it, and sex is 3-5 times a week. Considering when we met and were newly married, it was only a few times a year, it's now exploded in our mid to late 30s.

    I think a sex life is going to ebb and flow for couples for all sorts of reasons, medical reasons, natural reasons, hormonal reasons, all sorts of things. I know finally -- FINALLY!!!! -- DH and I are on the same page. It's the first time since we were 19, and we're 36 now.

    IMHO, as well, the priority of sex ebbs and flows, too, over the long haul. I know sex is pretty important to most 22-year-old guys. It wasn't to me when I was 22, and it really wasn't to most of my girlfriends at that age. We needed emotional bonding, a guy who knew where he was going, would be a good provider and companion. Again, add to this medication, medical ailments such as anxiety or depression, life stressors, and it's quite a feat for both a man and a woman to be on the same page in the libido department.

    Just trying to keep things realistic here. I don't think you should settle, but if she's perfect in every other way and you'd consider her your soulmate outside of the sex department, I'd just think long and hard about this, because who knows what cards are going to be dealt to the both of you over the years.

    Best of luck

     
    Old 01-11-2008, 05:29 AM   #8
    vintagegirl
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2004
    Posts: 667
    vintagegirl HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    I think you're being selfish and unrealistic! Twice a week is very good. Consider that most people work full time jobs--as another poster said--weekends seem to be the time that everyone catches up with one another, and even then, she could have her period on a weekend, a bad cold...whatever...that's LIFE! Anyone will tell you that as the years pass, kids drain the energy reserve left over for sex, and women's hormones change drastically, lowering the sex drive in some. You're talking about breaking up with her? If I were her, I'd be breaking up with you.

     
    Old 01-11-2008, 05:50 AM   #9
    mangoes
    Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2007
    Location: ca
    Posts: 80
    mangoes HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    well i think im the exception to most girls. my boyfriend said he has never met a girl like me and he has more of a history because he is 10 years older than me. im 22 and i want to have sex all the time. my boyfriend doesnt want to do it as frequently and it could be due to his age. we both still live at home so that also makes it difficult. we went on vacation recently and i kept trying to pursue him but he tells me that life is not all about sex, lol. he thinks i may be going through my sexual peak now but im worried im going to be crazy in my 30s.

     
    Old 01-11-2008, 01:18 PM   #10
    chris1985
    Newbie
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2005
    Posts: 9
    chris1985 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Well thanks for all the input everyone.

    I don't want to come off as shallow or anything like that. I guess I'm being unrealistic. 4 times a week would be just right for me but like someone mentioned - I'm in my sexual prime and she is not. As far as everything else goes it's a wonderful relationship. What got me thinking was a thread or article I saw on the internet about sexual frequency. I noticed that most people had sex AT LEAST 3 times a week, and some were even at 6 or 7. I started thinking about our measily 2 a week max and got jealous of all those other dudes getting sex that much.

    We talked yesterday and she said her problem is she doesn't really think of sex all that much, whereas I'm thinking about it quite a bit. She said she would make an effort to be more sexual, but I guess I shouldn't expect things to be instantly better. She did talk to her doctor and the process of switching meds (especially mental meds) would be a VERY exhausting process. Not just for her but me as well. She could have phases of feeling down or just no feeling at all. Then there's the chance a new medication may not help at all. So basically she'll be staying on the medication she's on.

    I guess I can't exactly help how I feel, but at the same time I should understand her position as well. I would never leave her just because the sex is not frequent but I guess what I meant was "Will I be happy in the long run in this relationship." I think we'll be able to work it out.

    Thanks again for the input guys & gals!

     
    Old 01-11-2008, 01:33 PM   #11
    jen52983
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jun 2006
    Location: pennsylvania
    Posts: 1,351
    jen52983 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    I'm glad to hear that you're not considering leaving her, and that you have discussed her meds. with her.. at least it was a considered thought.. so seems she is trying and understands your needs/wants.

    Another thing to remember is that sex is often more than something physical for women. If we've got too much on our minds, or are having a bad day.. sex will most likely me the last things we're thinking about. Maybe try romancing her, help her to feel sexy/sexual. Try anything new that you think might spark her interests. Keep it fresh and fun.. dont just expect it.

     
    Old 01-11-2008, 03:49 PM   #12
    SuperGirl03
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Jan 2008
    Location: USA
    Posts: 13
    SuperGirl03 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Agreed. Maybe she should consider a different kind of medication, and see if that helps. I do beleive that sex IS an important part of a relationship, regardless of what anyone says, or how shallow it sounds. I think 5 times a week might be a little ambitious, but then again..it's still early in your relationship. But you really need to sit down and talk more about this with her. Because if you don't think you're getting enough now...well, once you're married is usually when the sex because to drop down. If sex is important to you, then it should be important to her as well to want to make you happy and try her best to see to it that you are.

    Last edited by SuperGirl03; 01-11-2008 at 03:53 PM.

     
    Old 01-11-2008, 06:13 PM   #13
    Hoop
    Senior Veteran
    (male)
     
    Join Date: Oct 2003
    Location: Rocking IN. USA
    Posts: 1,046
    Hoop HB UserHoop HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    You do not come across as shallow or selfish. Four times a week is not unrealistic if that is what you want out of a satisfiying relationship. You've had all this time with her to think about it and try to solve the problem. We can call your partner shallow and selfish for not giving it up to satisfy your needs, but she is neither. You both just have different sexual drives. She is willing to accept your proposal in marriage. The fact that marriage is in the works says there is more to this relationship than just sexual.

    I do think you should have discussed this more with her to solve the problem or seek a compromise before your proposal of marriage to her, but if you feel that strong about it, then congrats. It's just that this issue seems important enough to you that it may affect the relationship or marriage down the road, even if you may not think so right now.

    HOOP! (Do you watch Homer Simpson?) LOL

     
    Old 01-12-2008, 11:21 AM   #14
    Laylah
    Inactive
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Nov 2006
    Location: Ireland
    Posts: 1,634
    Laylah HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    Just wanted to say I don't think you're shallow or selfish and wouldn't even if you decided to leave. You said you had sex once at the weekends but wanted it four times a week. If I was getting 25% of the sex it'd take to keep me satisfied I'd either be off or have to control my wandering eye, lol. I hope it works out for you both.

     
    Old 01-12-2008, 12:33 PM   #15
    Leaf80
    Senior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: May 2007
    Location: Michigan
    Posts: 132
    Leaf80 HB User
    Re: Sex is not frequent enough - putting serious strain on relationship

    It's all about compromising when you're with someone. It's not always about you and it's not always about her, you both need to meet somewhere in the middle. That means you may not get all the sex you want, and she may get more sex than she wants. If it's something you guys can't compromise on, then you both should move on to meet someone who can meet your expectations in a relationship. Sex is just one of many things you'll have to learn to compromise on, as well as child rearing, money, religion. Neither of you are being selfish or shallow.

    Good Luck to you both

     
    Closed Thread

    Related Topics
    Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
    Off & on vaginal dryness & frequent urination--help! colleen617 Menopause 21 12-06-2007 08:39 PM
    I have had enough apple_juice Relationship Health 122 09-23-2007 01:57 PM
    Frequent Urge and Urination andrews Urology 7 07-06-2007 07:41 PM
    Frequent Urination 24/7 at a young age sandinista79 Urology 5 05-08-2007 09:40 AM
    Frequent urination, feeling full from little food hongyan Digestive Disorders 6 02-26-2007 11:32 AM
    Stomach problems, abnormally frequent urination, fast heartbeat, what does it sound l hongyan Urology 1 02-24-2007 12:48 AM
    Increased concern in regards to frequent charley horses. Spikewire Open to All Other Health Topics 1 07-18-2005 10:34 PM
    Just how much attention is enough? Gianna2 Relationship Health 25 07-06-2005 05:10 PM




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:34 PM.





    © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!