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  • Living together before marriage...bad??

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    Old 01-13-2008, 02:53 PM   #1
    Leelee28
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    Question Living together before marriage...bad??

    Ok, I always hear these stats about how those who live together are more likely to divorce once married. But then I look at my relationship and wonder if it applies.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 yrs now. We are juniors in college and want to get married after we graduate. Next year we are living together with two of our friends. We'll have our own rooms to ensure we have a place for alone time.

    I love my boyfriend more then anyone in the world. He's more then my best friend, he was made for me. I truly believe that.

    I read all these things about how people live together to do a "trial marriage" or something dumb like that. That's not our aim. First off, it makes school easier for us because we don't need to travel all the time. Second, the 2 girls I wanted to live with are still in the process of transferring and may or may not be available to live. So we decided that living together alone was a bad choice for us and have chosen to live with 2 close friends.

    Does it sound like I'm making a big mistake with this?
    I am planning to go to medical school in the Fall of 2009, and from there I still have at least 7 yrs before I'm into my career. If I waited until then, I'd be almost 30 and I don't want to be that old when I marry. Anyone here go to med school?? Is it possible to keep a relationship during that time??? My boyfriend is so supportive of my decision to go and does everything he can to help me prepare for the MCATs and apps and stuff. I'm freaking out tho.

    I guess in the end it depends on the couple, right? But I want other people's opinions, just to get an idea of what decisions like this left them with. Thanks!

     
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    Old 01-13-2008, 03:06 PM   #2
    WorriednNervous
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    I think it depends on the couple involved and the relationship. I moved in with my now husband on our first date. 2 1/2-3 years later got married. And 8 years later we are still together. Do get me wrong we have had our issues over the years but we have worked through all of them.

     
    Old 01-13-2008, 03:08 PM   #3
    Leelee28
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    wow, congrats on that!

    have you ever wanted out of that? Or do you know, deep in your heart, that even though times get rough (and I've already experienced that) that he is the man for you? I love to hear about people who really love the person they're with and really work on their relationship together

     
    Old 01-13-2008, 03:39 PM   #4
    Mary83
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    LeeLee, if you feel it's the right situation for you, then it probably is. I currently live with my boyfriend of 7 months, and we are very happy. Well, I have my own apartment in the same apartment complex, but I am never there. It is however, a backup, should things not work with my boyfriend and me. We moved very "fast" according to typical standards, but it's worked for us so far.

    I read the statistics about people who live together divorce more often, and I also researched it. From what I read, the typical "answer" as to why more people divorce after living together is that they don't see marriage as a permanent thing. When people just live together without being married, although hard, there is always an "out" if the relationship doesn't work. When you are married, there isn't. So, according to those statistics, when people live together and then get married, they still view the marriage from the point of view that there is an easy out (divorce).

    I don't really agree with those statistics. I have heard many horror stories about couples getting married without living together, and it's very very hard at first. I'm not saying couples should always live together first, but I definitely don't disagree with it. Personally, I feel that you can never truly know someone until you live with them. There are so many things to consider in a relationship and/or marriage that you probably wouldn't see WITHOUT living together. Anything from cleaning habits, schedule and activities, what they do in their free time, cooking, bills, etc.

    So, to sum it all up, if you feel it's right for you, I say go for it. Living together will also give you and your bf more time together, especially if you are going to be busy with school for the next few years.

    Good luck with whatever decision you make!

     
    Old 01-13-2008, 05:02 PM   #5
    princessanna
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    I started a similar thread a few months back.

    Currently, I do not live with my fiance and I do not want to until we are married. He however, want us to live together first.

    For those who lived with their husband/wife first, was it any different after the wedding? Has being married made a difference?

    I feel, that living together first is a bit of a passion killer and makes marriage not seem so appealing or like the 'next step' because you are living together like a married couple anyway.

    Part of my reason for not wanting to live together first is financial. I'm currently living with parents and he has just moved back in with his mum. We pay minimal rent to our parents which is chaper if we were renting together. In our current living situations we are in a position to save to buy a property.

     
    Old 01-13-2008, 05:05 PM   #6
    Destea
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    Well.. I lived with my (now husband) bf for about 1.5 years before we got engaged, we've been married for that long, now. Because I knew that for myself, first living with someone would be a VERY difficult situation, and indeed it was for the first 6 months especially, I wanted to do that first. It's made the post-wedding time a lot less stressful, I got the stuff I was afraid of or having a hard time w/ addressed before I was in a situation that I was forced to deal with it.

    It may be considered a 'trial' for marriage, but personally I think that's a good thing. I'd rather find out if there is absolutely something in the person I'm thinking of marrying that I could just not reconcile and live with before I married them. Was I any less determined to try and sort those things out? Not at all, it was not easy we had some very rough times, but I discovered that I was definitely willing to do whatever it took to be with my husband and makes me feel even more secure in our marriage having already been tested without the additional pressure of vows in place.

    Whatever you do, good luck I think you'll know what's best for you and your bf.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 11:38 AM   #7
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    I dont believe that its a marriage wrecker if you live with your partner first. Ihave been with my boyfrined for 9 years and we recently bought a house together 4 months ago and both of us feel it was the right decision. Our relationship has not changed, in fact I feel even closer to my boyfrilend being able to be around him even more. We get along great and plan on marrying in the future.
    Good luck to you.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 11:52 AM   #8
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    I think it'd be better to live with a person before getting married. You learn soooo much more about a person when you live with them. I think it also teaches you if you can tolerate eachother's little habits, even the nasty ones! If you can get along living with your boyfriend before marriage.. then there shouldn't be any big surprises or changes afterwards, not personality-wise anyway. That's how I feel.

    My boyfriend's mother gave us a whole speach about living together before marriage. She feels that a couple before marriage will more easily walk away and give up if problems arise, then a married couple would. I think that's true, but only for some people. I honestly do not believe that a ring and a peice of paper would make me feel more or less for my boyfriend, and I don't believe it would make me fight more or less if our relationship took a turn for the worst.

    Ever ask a newly wed couple, "how's married life?" And they say "not any different!" That means it's working for them. Marriage shouldn't change people.

    Also, this isn't 1950 anymore, where a man and woman were married and were almost strangers, slept in seperate beds and only had sex in order to have children!! Times are just different now.

    Imagine being in love with a man, getting married, then moving in together and realizing that you totally clash! How depressing would that be. As much as I love my boyfriend, I'd rather find out before marriage that we were incompatible then after. It will be 2 years for us in March, and we've been living together almost 5 months now. Things are great..so far!!

    I don't know where that statistic comes from (those who live together before marriage, end up divorced) and I don't know why that would even be. My only thought on that is they those people rushed into things too quickly, in general... living together and marriage. Rushing into things is what probably caused problems there. Just my opinion.

    Good luck to you two!

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 07:38 AM   #9
    Leelee28
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    Thanks for the responses everyone!

    I've decided that I can't base my situation on anyone elses because no one's relationship is like mine! Only my boyfriend and I know what would work best for us.

    I always freak out that when I go to medical school in two years that everything will change. He says it will be fine and we'll make time for each other. But, you know, all you ever hear are the horror stories.

    It's encouraging to hear your success stories! Hopefully everything works out for the best! I guess I just need to be confident in us and know that we will be ok!

    Thanks again!

    Last edited by Leelee28; 01-15-2008 at 07:38 AM. Reason: typo

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 08:43 AM   #10
    KeltoKel
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    Re: Living together before marriage...bad??

    My husband and I lived together for about 2 years before we got married and it was the best decision I ever made. Many couples fight about living arrangements when they first get married and it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship.

    Messiness is something I experienced with my husband. He drove me nuts because laundry piled everywhere and plates and glasses were all around his chair in the living room. He hated that I nagged him to clean up. The first few months were an adjustment for us, but I never paniced b/c he was my boyfriend and I wasn't questioning our marriage. After several months, we started to get along better, but the first few months were tough.

    When I married my husband, I knew all his weaknesses and quirks and I married him based on those. I had accepted his faults and vice versa.

    I always think of my sister in law who complains that my brother likes to have a beer after work. They did not live together before marriage. She comes from a family who doesn't really drink. She can't understand why my brother likes to relax with a beer and I just think to myself, "didn't you know this before you married him...?" But I guess she didn't. Let me tell you, this is a sore spot in their marriage, especially since they have kids now. She doesn't want any alcohol in the house, but my brother is not a drunk and doesn't view alcohol in the same manner as her. (What is so funny is that my husband loves microbrew beer and even makes his own beer in our house!)

    I just think you get to know someone even better when you live with them - their responsibility with money (can they pay bills on time?) their faults, their guilty pleasures, are they clean or messy, etc. But most of all, can you live with their faults or do you need to run before you marry?

    But the answer to this question is not black or white. Best of luck!

     
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