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  • I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

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    Old 01-13-2008, 07:55 PM   #1
    JennaBK25
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    I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Can someone give me some advice. I love my fiancee, couldn't imagine being without him. I have never wanted to be a mother and now it's getting even more clear how much I don't want kids. He has a three year old and loves kids...he wants to have at least four more. We plan on getting married and staying together but the problem is we both are very serious on this subject. Anyone have advice please??

     
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    Old 01-13-2008, 08:32 PM   #2
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Well, I'd say that's a pretty big impasse. My guess is, since you are willing to marry him and accept his three year old as yours and be a step mom, he's probably assuming that you will soften your position after a few years of loving and raising his child and you will want more. My guess is he really doesn't believe you when you say you don't want anymore kids. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him and make sure he knows that you are serious, that there will be NO MORE KIDS for him if he marries you.

    But if you are so dead set against kids, why ARE you marrying a man who has one? Does the child spend most of the time with the mother?

    Depending on how dead set you both are, this could really be a deal breaker sort of thing. One of you is going to have to give up your dream in order for this relationship to last. Which one will it be? You'd better decide before you walk down the aisle with him.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 03:58 AM   #3
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    This is definitely one area where you both MUST be on the same page. I agree with LLM that he probably expects that you will change your mind (and stranger things have happened), but it is foolish to commit everything to something that may not happen. If you are really serious about this, why not just get sterilised? Or are you really leaving a little opening for later?

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 04:50 AM   #4
    JennaBK25
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    I have actually talked to my doctor about a possible sterilization. She keeps saying "she recommends" that I don't do that right now in this point in my life because it may cause other problems. Which problems she doesn't really get into detail with me but I have another appointment in a month to discuss it again after she does some "research" she tells me.

    I do love HIS daughter don't get me wrong. And yes she does mostly live with the mother. But I really couldn't do it if she lived with us full time. We get her now for two weeks ever six weeks (we live in a different state) and by the end of the two weeks I'm glad to see her go. The other issue is that the mother....not the best one.....doesn't believe in disciplining her child. She just says "oh you don't need to she will learn on her own"...YEAH RIGHT!! She comes here and thinks she can do whatever she wants. We spend more time disciplining her and she finally gets the point that she CAN'T do what she wants here and if gets in trouble with one of us the other isn't going to coddle her. I just get so frustrated and impatient. It a lot of times I end up going up to my office and just staying up there for the rest of the night because I get so annoyed. But then I feel guilty that I am feeling this way towards his daughter. This is the crap I don't want to deal with.

    I'm stuck because I'm completely in love with this man and he tells me the same. But I really don't have any plans at all of having my own children.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 04:51 AM   #5
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    I agree that this is one of the major issues that you need to be on the same page with. I think LLM is right that your fiance probably doesn't take your stance seriously since he has a child and you are going to marry him.

    You two definately need to sit down and have a very serious talk about this. He needs to know that there are no more children if he marries you. This may be one of those instances where love just isn't enough to make a marriage work. I can see him having a lot of resentment towards you because you don't want children and you having an equal amount of resentment because he won't respect your view on the subject.

    EDIT:
    I just saw your second post after I posted mine and had to add this. Have you thought about what would happen if something happened to his daughter's mother and she had to come live with you full-time? You just can never rule out that happening one day. Yes, you love this man, but you are not all that receptive to his child. You are entitled to your opinion here, but marrying him also means marrying his child. Could you deal with her full-time? You really need to think about that! He isn't going to stop being her father one day.

    Last edited by happymom28; 01-14-2008 at 04:55 AM.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 07:00 AM   #6
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    don't do it, you're not compatable.......
    he will end up leaving you in the longrun if you don't have kids.
    if you do have kids, you're compromising what you want.
    it's a no-win situation
    get out now and move in another direction.
    there are men out there who don't want kids, find one.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 10:20 AM   #7
    JennaBK25
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Thank you all so much for you imput. He and I both have this evening off from work and I already told him we were going to stay home and have dinner and talk. I want to get everything out there. I mean yes I love this man, but I want him to know EXACTLY how I feel before anything else continues. Yes it would be horrible to lose him. But I guess I'd rather have it happen now than 10 years from now.

    Thank you everyone

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 11:34 AM   #8
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    I think this is one situation where love isn't enough. Kids is a major topic and as others have already said, is one that a couple needs to be in agreement on.

    I agree that no matter how much you love this man, you're not compatible

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 12:34 PM   #9
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    I have to agree with others, do not marry this man. Love will not be enough to keep you together. To be married you also need to want the same things. This is a deal breaker, no matter how much you love him. It will not work, he wants 4 kids, you want none? I would end this.

     
    Old 01-14-2008, 07:38 PM   #10
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    I'm on the same board with everyone else... this is a big problem, this is the kind of thing people imagine in their lives one way or another, and compromising on it will likely never satisfy one of the two of you either way. I couldn't ask someone to have kids for me any more than I could give up having children for someone else. Those are some very serious requests - life alterting, dream altering requests. I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to change their opinion on something so personal to so many.

    I don't know that you two could work this out without one of you resenting the other in the mid to long term timeframe. :\

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 10:11 AM   #11
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennaBK25 View Post
    ... Anyone have advice please??
    Hello

    I may have missed a point or two, but I still don't know why you don't want to have kids of your own. Maybe the reason why is implicit in the things you saying about this little girl or whatever, but would you please explain why (you don't need to give an exhausting explanation lol) you don't want to be a mother? For the other posters, all of them being ladies, this might appear to be an irrelevant question, but since I am a man, I don't feel too stupid making that question, lol. Is it because you think all of the education, care, support and upbringing of kids rely entirely on a mother rather than on a father? Are you afraid of not finding a supportive father in your fiancé? I am all ears.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 01:23 PM   #12
    JennaBK25
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Oh no not at all. He is a wonderful father and I know he'd be an even better one if we did. First thing is I'm in med. school and I finish in two years. I plan on working from there and I wouldn't want to even think about having a kid until I've worked about 10 years in the hospital and by then I'd be 34. I don't want to be having kids at the age. Also I'm on Anxiety, Depression, OCD, and insomnia medication. My doctor told me that if I even considered becoming pregnant I'd have to come off my medication, and with how severe my cases are that could very well kill me. I don't want to take the chance of losing my own life to try to have a baby who could end up with all the problems I have been diagnosed with, because it's genetic in my family. I got it from my mom's side and they got it from theirs. So do you see my point? This was only a couple weeks ago my doctor pulled me into the office and explained all that I told you. And I finally sat down my fiancée and explained it all.


    NOW, from a guys point of view. He told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what the situation, even if we don't have children. What would your say be on that?

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 01:53 PM   #13
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    That's hard to say.. b/c he could mean it, right now... but 5 years from now will he regret his decision, will he resent you... so many what ifs!!

    I think it's a go-with-your-gut situation.. or only time will tell.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 03:16 PM   #14
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennaBK25 View Post
    NOW, from a guys point of view. He told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what the situation, even if we don't have children. What would your say be on that?
    He could very well mean what he says at the moment. But like jen52983 said, what if he changes his mind and then resents you? Or, what if he throws the option of adoption or surogacy (sp?) out there to you? Have you talked about those possibilities? These may be a few more options to discuss just in case they are an idea for the future.

    The thing is, this is your decision. You two obviously love eachother and there is more at play then just the "I don't want to have kids". There is your health that is also a factor. I say keep discussing the subject and really think about things before you make any major decisions.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 05:26 PM   #15
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    Re: I don't want kids, fiancee wants kids....problem?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JennaBK25 View Post
    ...


    NOW, from a guys point of view. He told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me no matter what the situation, even if we don't have children. What would your say be on that?
    Yes, I see your points. Thanks for the explanation.

    As for having a kid at the age of 34, I really don't think that is a big problem, as long as you have a healthy lifestyle and the adequate medical support or a good midwife.

    As for your current conditions, I am afraid this is not the right forum to address them. From my personal experience, although I am not a doctor, all of those conditions can be improved or even eliminated through a gradual avoidance of medication. They can be genetic in origin, but I don't think you have to suffer from them your whole life and I don't think you have to fatalistically believe that you will pass them on to your kids. I would consult a second doctor just in search of more information.

    Anyway, having kids always implies a number of risks. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    I for one can't much understand a marriage without kids, but that's me. I hope I won't be "crucified" for having said so.

    As for your fiancé, I agree with the other posters: he may have been sincere with you now, but, although he has already a kid, time may have him change his mind and he may want to resurrect the idea of having more. I'm sorry to say this, but it is like a shot in the dark.

    By the way, have you ever read books on midwifery or natural childbirth? You could at least learn a lot on this subject. Search for this author in particular: Nancy Wainer Cohen.

     
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