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    Old 01-15-2008, 11:16 AM   #1
    GypsyArcher
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    What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Oh God. The other night I received the most horrible, gut-wrenching shock. This hurts so bad

    A little backstory (I think I've talked a little bit about it on the board before). Early last year I met this guy named Vince through mutual friends. Not the type I would usually go for at all, and in the beginning I just looked at him as an acquaintance. But then after getting to know him just a little bit, I fell. So hard.

    We got involved...although he made it clear to me that he didn't want a girlfriend (or at least, not me as a girlfriend...) and I was understanding because he was a lot older and he'd been through a couple of divorces and I was sure he was tired of relationship drama and BS.

    However, as friends-with-benefits we had nothing but constant drama. A lot of it, admittedly, being my fault. There were a lot of pride issues on both sides, I think. He tried to keep me at arms length and maintain that there wasn't going to be anything serious between us, yet he kept getting ticked off and jealous whenever I hung out with my male friends in front of him (and I do have a lot of male friends). Sometimes it was innocent but sometimes I would purposefully try to make him jealous, because I hated him for only having me as a FWB and not taking me seriously. We went back and forth - first I'd tell him I wasn't going to sleep with him anymore, then I'd come running right back. Then he'd tell me he wouldn't sleep with me anymore, but then come back. Etc. Eventually the water between us started to widen...when our big group of friends would hang out I wouldn't talk to him or go near him, mostly out of hurt. But I'd sit there the whole time wishing I could be at his side again.

    Then back around October he disappeared. Just dropped off the face of the Earth. I deduced that he had to have moved. I wanted to ask one his friends about it, but I think I was afraid of the answer. I missed him...desperately.

    And then the other night I was bored, and messing around on the internet for hours. I was jumping aimlessly from site to site, and out of nowhere I decided to look at one of those big dating websites. I honestly don't know why. Maybe deep down I was thinking about seeing what kind of guys were out there in my area? I don't know. But I did a quick, random search, the page loads, and there is HIS face, staring back at me!

    I went into shock. I mean, I know people use that expression all the time, but I mean I literally went into shock. It took me some time to right myself. I looked at his profile and discovered that yes, he did move. About a thousand miles away. And there he was, talking about how he is looking for a relationship, looking for that somebody special...

    And meanwhile, here I am...missing him so badly that my heart aches constantly. I go out with our friends and I am unable to truly have any fun, because all I can think about is how things aren't right with him not being there, and how I keep imagining him walking through the door. I cry over him every single day. I feel so lost. I've gotten involved with several guys since he disappeared and no one can duplicate that feeling of utter joy that I had when I was with him. Not even close. I've become horribly self-destructive since he disappeared.

    So I spent a whole crapload of money to join the site just so that I could email him. And even though I know he has been back on, he never responded. He always insisted to me that he was not angry at me, but if he is not angry why did he just leave without telling me? Why won't he at least talk to me? I don't understand. He can't just say hi??

    I'm so depressed and in so much pain I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
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    Old 01-15-2008, 11:38 AM   #2
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Hi GypsyArcher,

    You may remember my story with my neighbor. You may have been the one who told me that guys disappear and that he wasn't into me....those were the responses I got. I was so hurt....

    Listen to me....he (this guy you were FWB with) was upfront and honest with you........he didn't want a relatiionship, unfortunately......we women do these things and we don't allow ourselves to hear what they are saying. NO RELATIONSHIP, etc. My neighbor never, never said that. I fell hard too after a couple of months. However, here I am 3 months later and I am thinking...how nice or decent of a man could he have been if he just poof disappeared (in my case it is harder, as we are still neighbors but we hardly see each other as I make sure of that). I think that if they can do this now............what would they have done to us in the future????? Disappear w/o telling us? I went to my neighbor 1 month after we parted and tried to smooth things over. He said he thinks the world of me (again he said that...what BS and that we are friends and we will hang out, etc.) He never once rang my bell...not even to say..hey, I haven't seen you...have a great holiday...nada nothing. Some friend eh? He told me that he liked me. He said...I guess I focus on the negative..... I think that is what you must do in this casse.....focus on the negative and don't focus on the positive. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and try very hard to move on, you must do this for yourself. He obviously has.

    He was honest........now you need to make a life for yourself. If he wanted to contact you he would have. You never know what the future brings and you may meet up again later on....for now...take care of you.

    It is hard...Gosh I know how hard it is and the crying and the thinking but you must move forward.

    Guys are cowards and they do these horrible things..........it would be so much better for them to say...look I am moving...I had a great time with you but we don't have any kind of a future together. Even if the truth hurts...the lie and the limbo is worse......

    Good luck.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 12:29 PM   #3
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Oh Gypsy! This is why FWB suck! Even the most strong willed people (like yourself) end up getting attached and hurt.

    At the very least he was honest. The only thing you really can do is learn from this experience. When a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship believe him.

    I do think it is crappy that he didn't tell you he was moving. Maybe he thought he would be saving himself from a lot of "why do you have to leave" drama? Maybe he isn't responding because he is saving himself from the "why didn't you at least say goodbye to me" drama. I just don't know.

    I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but I'm sure you will bounce back. You don't stay down long!

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 12:42 PM   #4
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by GypsyArcher View Post
    ...

    I'm so depressed and in so much pain I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
    I admit that it was an irony, but then again for both sides. Just imagine how embarrased he was about getting your e-mail.

    Apparently it was quite rude of him to leave without saying good-bye, but perhaps he didn't know how to handle it or he didn't want to appear to be giving you any hopes. Or he was afraid of any reaction you could have when you learned he was leaving. I don't know. To say hi now would probably mean that he was still available at least as a friend, but he doesn't seem to want anything with you. Actually, it seems that he simply wasn't into you, and you'd be better to let it go. It will pass. The pain will pass. He will pass.

    But isn't it also an irony that a man so experienced as he is must now resort to dating websites? Not that I have anything against dating websites, but doesn't this make him appear less than what he seemed to be?

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 12:46 PM   #5
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Thank you ladies

    The thing that hurts the MOST is that he always used to tell me, and not just me, but all of his friends, that from now on he just wanted his freedom and his space and to be alone...he didn't want a relationship at all. He had this whole attitude about how he had been burned so he wasn't going to put himself in that position again.

    And then I come across him - completely, totally, and unbelievably by accident - on a dating site, looking to find a serious relationship. I am just devestated and I keep asking myself why I wasn't good enough for him.

    To be perfectly honest, I am not totally suprised he didn't tell me about his move. We had basically stopped talking to each other altogether, although we still had the occassional drunken romp. It was my fault we didn't talk anymore because I told him to leave me alone and then I pretty much ignored him, despite that being painful for me.

    Well, I emailed him one more time and told him everything I wanted to say to him but never got the chance to. It was therapuetic in a way. I don't expect him to ever talk to me again.

    But I honestly don't get it though. We WERE friends. If he is not angry why won't he talk to me? Won't even tell me how he is doing? Oh, it's rough.

    ETA - and thank you too Pendulum, I know you're not a lady but I just saw your post LOL No, I don't really look down on him...he just moved to a brand new area and I guess is trying to meet people. :-/
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    Last edited by GypsyArcher; 01-15-2008 at 12:49 PM.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 12:51 PM   #6
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    He didn't tell you because in his head this is all it would ever be......FWB. I'm sorry...............I don't mean to hurt you more......but as far as being friends..well obviously he is pretty bad at that too.

    He is a jerk...........just a jerk much like my neighbor. Fair weather friend at best. You pull yourself together and you will be fine. Time heals.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 12:52 PM   #7
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    gypsy, I'm sorry this happened, but just because he's on a dating site "claiming" to want a serious relationship, doesn't mean that's what he's looking for......you yourself said that you don't have to be intimate to have a sexual relationship with someone......intimacy and sex don't necesarrily go hand in hand. I doubt if he's looking for a SERIOUS relationship. Anyway, what about the other couple of guys you were in a relationship with......your "boyfriend" and his friend? I wouldn't waste any more time pining over the one that got away......you've got plenty of other options.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 01:07 PM   #8
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    I am sorry this happened you and I can so relate!

    I was introduced to this guy while I lived in Washington DC, and he lives in Philly. I liked him instantly. I knew once I finished school I would move to Philly and so would email him every now and then to "stay in touch." When I eventually graduated and moved to Philly we hung out...a lot. I could tell that I liked him more then he liked me but I ignored that feeling.

    After about 6 months together, he tells me he's not ready for a relationship and knows that I am a relationship-kind of person (versus just hooking up). And he's right. I'm not into just hooking up. So we remain friends, which basically means we say hi and bye at parties. 3 weeks later, (3 weeks!!!) I'm searching through an online dating site to help my friend with his profile and who do I see? HIM! I was so hurt. Clearly he wants a relationship just not with me. It took me a really long to get over it since I thought he was the one for me since the very beginning.

    I promise that it will get better. My advice is to cease contact from now on. He knows how to contact you and he's chosen not to. It's very hurtful but the best thing is no contact.

    Last edited by pa43; 01-15-2008 at 01:08 PM.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 02:02 PM   #9
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    You guys...these guys don't know how to have relationships. What are their past histories with relationships. Want to hear my neighbors. 3 years ago he broke up with someone he lived with for a year and prior to that...his last relationship was 10 years before that. Yes 10 years. I am sure there was some hooking up in between..........................but for God's sake.....2 relationships in the past 13 or 14 years? I mean...hello.

     
    Old 01-15-2008, 02:53 PM   #10
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Hate to play devil's advocate but here's a theory.
    First, he's much older than you (correct me if I am wrong) - you are still in your early 20s right? You had a FWB relationship, granted he himself didn't play by his own rules when he got jealous. BUT you played games too rather than telling him how you felt and sticking to it. People can usually pick up on games. You hung out with guys in front of him sometimes to make him jealous, told him not to talk to you yet still had 'romps' with him sometimes. Maybe he got sick of games and he doesn't want to continue anymore. He doesn't (or didn't at the time) know what went on in your head. Put yourself in those shoes - what if a guy was playing games with you, trying to make you jealous but sleeping with you sometimes though you didn't have a communicative relationship? everyone here would tell you to dump him, that he's not into you in that way, etc. Maybe he is just trying to move on and find something real.
    I used to play games like you did until I actually got annoyed with myself and realized if thats not what I want for myself, I need to quit playing and start matching my behaviour with what I really want.

     
    Old 01-16-2008, 08:07 AM   #11
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    A good rule of thumb is that if anyone, male or female, is telling you that he/she doesn't "want a relationship", just add "with you" on the end of that. I know it sounds harsh, but the fact is that there are very few people in this world that don't want a relationship, period. They do exist, but the chances are good that you will not run into them.

    I have had a similar experience where a person was not interested in me but I found his dating profile. I had to accept the fact that he is allowed to look for whomever he wants, regardless of how I feel about him. He owed me nothing, and it doesn't sound like this guy owed you anything, either. That's the way it was set up, by both you and him.

    I'm confused- why did he come up on the dating site in your area if he moved 1000 miles away? Is he still searching for people where he used to live?

     
    Old 01-16-2008, 09:52 AM   #12
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Quote:
    A good rule of thumb is that if anyone, male or female, is telling you that he/she doesn't "want a relationship", just add "with you" on the end of that.
    Yeah, I know, and the thing is that I do this to other people all the time. I'm always telling guys "Yeah, we can just hang out and have fun, but I don't want a relationship right now (with you)." But I guess it's a whole 'nother story when you are on the other end of that. Especially when you really are in love with person. Totally my fault, I know. And I do blame myself. Which is somehow harder than blaming him *L*

    Quote:
    I'm confused- why did he come up on the dating site in your area if he moved 1000 miles away? Is he still searching for people where he used to live?
    I don't get it either. No, he's not looking for people around here, so I don't know why he put his former city down as his current location. But all I know is if he didn't do that, I never would have found him. Painful as it all is, I finally got to have some closure and I got to tell him everything I always wanted to, not that it mattered. He did get back to me, and is friendly enough, but I don't know if I can just be friendly with him. I'm thinking of just telling him good-bye instead of keeping up over email.
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    Old 01-16-2008, 10:25 AM   #13
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    If you have poured your heart out in the first e-mail, then maybe you should just leave it at that. A goodbye email seems like it would create unnecessary drama and also burn a bridge. I think you should just move on and not bother with him, but it doesn't warrant an announcement, per se.

     
    Old 02-21-2008, 11:30 AM   #14
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    It's been over a month..any updates Gypsy?
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    Old 02-21-2008, 11:37 AM   #15
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    Re: What A Cruel, Cruel Irony

    Hi tarheel :-)

    No, no updates at all. I told him in my second e-mail that I'd said everything I wanted to say and I wasn't going to contact him anymore, and I didn't. And I won't.

    I still miss him and life still doesn't seem the same at all, but I was such a big idiot in the whole matter that I don't know if I'll ever completely forgive myself. It hurts that someone can sleep with you, but not care about you at all. Just another lesson in life, however.
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