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  • Cheating hearts: the shoe is on the other foot!`(sorry this long)

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    Old 01-17-2008, 12:45 PM   #1
    Aquanotice82's Avatar
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    Cheating hearts: the shoe is on the other foot!`(sorry this long)

    I met my husband when I was 18, we didn't wait and got married pretty quickly (6 months later). He is 9 years older than me. In a brief context....I moved oversea with him.. in which during that time 3+ years into our relationship he cheated on me. I went through a very rough time trying to patch together. I feel like i had to do it all alone (away from my family, my friends, my life) while he was a victim somehow of his past rather than me being hurt by the thing he has done. I try to rationalize all this like an adult. I really wanted to make my marriage work.....and I think both of us did in our own ways.

    I am/was a very faithful person to my friends, my family, my husband. After the fall out (where he cheated on me) ( i never really got an apology for that) we're still "together" 7 years later. Is it better? I don't know.
    Our sex lives is a drag.. and on the outside its so perfect. Only when i suggest a threesome that his head lights- In a desperate attempt to save our relationship (we do not have children, don't know if we'll ever have children, best not now).
    We wanted to move on. I started making friends over there, I got myself together, I got a job.. and I was for 2 years after the cheating episode somewhat happy. He became somewhat insecure and I started to party a bit.. and I met this guy .. had a one night stand..( he doesn't know) And I thought "ok i got my lick back"... meant nothing to me.

    That didn't change anything in our relationship really. Sometimes when he wants to get closer, I just feel its only when he needs me that he wants me to take care of him and he is never there for me. Did I mention our sexlife sucks really badly? Anyways it wouldn't be the reason for partying. Its just I'm always feel so alone.

    Episode change: We bought this gorgeous house on the countryside.. we made it up into a semi lovely home... with all the trimmings... and here I am missing the parties and my friends since we are now so far away. I started to feel a bit depressed.. and bang, I met a knew friend.. started hanging out and we totally rocked.. things got out of hand and well.. we started seeing each other, but i broke it off pretty fast, - I still do love my husband, I still ask myself why but I still do. (which makes me a very bad girl right there the second time around)

    Then goes a third time, where I am hanging out with "friend" whom I have no physical attraction to, but he is so kind, tender, and pays attention to me and he is such a lovely person. I am not in love with him, but I feel like I am somewhat cheating on my husband for being so close to him. I know he fansy me a lot and in a heartbeat would not hesitate to start something.

    Things do not change, our relationship, communication, feelings.. I try to talk start something, but its always "We have everything, what are you complaining about? its ok, everything is how you wanted to be." (meaning he isn't cheating on me.. or is he having sex with me.) I feel more and more alienated from him, and I think the feeling of trying to conquer him back is no longer there because I think I've made enough efforts...

    I'm turning 26 in the few months and Im starting to think......can I take another 7 years? 3 years? a month? I don't even know how I feel anymore about him.

    I know a lot of people will find this weird. I don't want to turn out to be the victim here or the evil one... just a cry to see from what I just said what you guys can pull from this. HELP

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    Old 01-17-2008, 01:13 PM   #2
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    Re: Cheating hearts: the shoe is on the other foot!`(sorry this long)

    If there is any hope for saving your marriage you two need to see a marriage counsellor and learn how to communicate. I commend you for trying to talk to him, but he clearly doesn't get "it". He needs to learn how to listen and you need to learn how to better vent your frustrations.

    But I guess the first question is do you want this to work? If he were able to see the bigger picture and really try would you be willing to do the same? If the answer is no then don't waste your time trying to fix it. Unless you are in it 100% it won't work and it will only make you more miserable. But if you can say with all honesty that you want this to work then you need to find a way to talk to him and let him know how serious all of this is.

    Old 01-18-2008, 11:54 AM   #3
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    Re: Cheating hearts: the shoe is on the other foot!`(sorry this long)

    Aquanotice82, there are more problems in your relationship than cheating on each other. If you felt happy and secure in your marriage, I don't believe you would have acted on any feelings for another person (or maybe never even had any). What is it that you get from this other person? Is it an attemt to fill in where your marriage is lacking - communication, trust, security, love? Is it purely sexual? You lack a sense of commitment to eachother; I think not only did he violate your trust, but he also gave you no opportunity to resolve the situation and allow yourself to heal, and earn that trust back. I can't imagine you can forgive him if he was never sorry. That enables you - it's a reason for revenge. I'm not saying you are "evil," I just mean that without an apology, you may feel you need to fill that hole with something else.

    You seem to be together because you are used to it. Think about what it means to love someone, it's harder than I thought, I'm realizing now myself how distorted a view can be based on your experiences. It takes work to be in a good relationship, and as Happymom28 said, you need to be in it 100%. Do you think he could apologize, mean it, promise to commit to you, and you could forgive him? And could you yourself admit to him your own fault and truely apologize? These things are will have to do this in counselling. You both have to want it, need it, and feel it. If you do, it will be worth it to work at it. If either of you are unwilling, I fear that your relationship won't, or shouldn't, continue.
    It seems you are questioning how YOU feel about a future together, maybe it would also be helpful for you to see a counselor alone and sort out your own feelings. It opened my eyes a lot, and I hope it can help you too!

    Best of luck to you.

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