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leelee04 01-18-2008 11:54 AM

My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and he cheated on me about a month ago and I feel like it still just hapened. I just dont understand why. I thought he loved me. He tells me he still does yet he continues to talk to the other girl. Here is what happened. He met a girl at work and told her all about me, bad things of course. Then he told her we were broken up but I was still living in the house. My boyfriend started acting very strange. His phone was on silent all the time. He was constantly going into the bathroom. ( to text her) He was snapping at me over the smallest things. He even told me that he no longer finds me attractive. Well I had a gut feeling that something was up. Then one day out of the blue, she contacted me through *******. She told mer that she really liked him and that she didnt understand why I didnt like her. I told her that she needs to back off of my boyfriend and she said that she was told we were broken up. Then she called my boyfriend to ask him if we were broken up or not and he said we are I just dont want to accept it. That is when he finnally admitted to me that he had sex with her. Then she called back and I was trying to ask him why and he treated me like garbage because she was listining. Then when he got off the phone he kept telling me how sorry he was. Well the next day I came home from work and he was talking to her on the phone. I started screaming calling her all kinds of dirty names. He hung up and told me I was wrong and immature for doing that. I kept saying but I thought you cared about me and he said look at what I am looking at on the computer, That is how much I care. I looked at the computer and he was looking at porn. I started crying uncontrollably and ran out of the house and called my dad. I left that night. He cryed and begged me not to go. But I later found out that as soon I left he was on the phone with the other girl and she came over. We still talked to each other after I left but we mostly fought. Things started to calm down so I asked him if he wanted to spend new years eve with me. He said yes. Then the next day he told me he couldnt because it would hurt to much, and he just wanted to spend new years alone like he deserves and he told me not to call him. Something did not seem right so I drove by around 9:30 and her car was in the driveway, then I drove by again at 2:30 and her car was still in the driveway. He called me the next day crying and telling me he was so sorry and I asked him what did you do on new years eve and he said he cryed him self to sleep. I told him that I drove by and he tried saying it was the neighbors car but he finnally admitted that she was there and she spent the night. But they didnt do anything they just talked. Yeah I dont believe that for a second. Then things calmed down with us once again and he called me one morning and told me that he was really sick. Then I got a text from him around 5:30 saying that he was in the ER. Well I got scared and called his mom and long story short I found out that he lied about that too becasue he was spending time with his new girlfriend and didnt want me to bother them. I went there the very next day to get the rest of my stuff and she locked herself in the bedroom and would not come out. He treated me like garbage the whole time because she was listing and as soon as we went outside he started telling me that he loved me. He had bruises all over his arms and I asked him how he got those bruises and he said he got in a fist fight. But I later found out that him and that girl were wrestling. I just dont understand whay he is doing this to me. We were together for seven years. We were going to get married! I still love him and I dont think I will ever stop. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I waske up in the middle of the night crying all the time. and now, My stomach burns so bad, my chest feels tight and everytime I eat something I feel nausea. I have lost so much weight which is not a good thing because I am allready thin to begin with. I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel so worthless. I dont even want to think about dating other men and my friends are trying to get me to. I'm not ready. He is the only man that I love. He still calles me to this day and I am nice to him because a part of me wants him back. I just dont get it. He was never like this and now he is a different person. Even his mother told me he would never cheat. I know he is still taking to that girl and it just kills me inside. Anybody have any insight? Do you think we are better off apart or maybe we could work it out? I dont think I am ready to cut him completly out of my life. I at least still want to be friends. Am I insane ?

Sept.girl 01-18-2008 12:07 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
leelee04, honey, I am so sorry to hear about this. You are not insane, you have every right to be upset and hurt. But let me tell you, this man does NOT deserve you. He doesn't. I am sure you still love him, but he doesn't sound sorry to me. I don't want to tell you how to choose, but I would advise against getting back with him. He violated your trust, lied to you, insulted you, and tried to guilt you into feeling sorry for him. It's hard to realize, but try and imagine yourself with someone who will treat you respectfully. It'll be hard to get over, you are probably still very attached to your ideal future (i.e getting married) but realize that the future you thought of is gone anyway - with that kind of betrayal, I don't know if you could ever feel the same way about him again.

I am sure others can give you better break-up advice, I have not yet experienced anything like this, but my heart goes out to you. Rest up, and try to eat something, I don't want to see you on the anorexia board. Take care.

Kszan 01-18-2008 12:31 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
[QUOTE=leelee04;3397945] I feel so worthless.[/quote]

You shouldn't. You're not the one that cheated and lied and did all of these horrible things. HE is the one who did this, HE is the one who should be feeling worthless!

Him cheating on you is not a reflection on you at all. You didn't cheat. But it speaks volumes about the kind of pig loser he is, which is why you have to stop assuming that this is somehow your fault. You didn't hold a gun to his head and tell him to cheat, he did that all on his own.

Do you see what I mean? You aren't the problem here. He is!

[quote]He still calles me to this day and I am nice to him because a part of me wants him back.[/quote]

Why do you want someone back who cheated on you and hurt you so badly? The reason why you're feeling so sick and nauseated and crappy right now is all his fault, it's all because of what HE did to you. HE is the reason for all of your pain and bad feelings. Why would you continue to want to invite that kind of thing into your life?

What you really need to do is cut him off completely and stop speaking to him. For you to give him any kind of communication is to basically tell him that what he did was ok and doesn't matter. But you know darn well that's not true. What he did was selfish and stupid and moronic. And you can do a hell of a lot better than to date a selfish stupid moronic loser like him. I know you feel like you invested a lot of time with him, I invested 7 years of my 20s with a loser just like this who cheated and then denied it even when I had proof. It was a relief that I finally got up the courage and broke it off and didn't talk to him anymore, because I finally took my power back and started living my life in a way that honored and respected myself. If you don't break this thing off, you're going to suffer and be miserable the rest of your life with this idiot. You really can't do that to yourself. You have to love yourself more and realize that you deserve so much better than someone like him!

[quote]Do you think we are better off apart or maybe we could work it out? I dont think I am ready to cut him completly out of my life. I at least still want to be friends. Am I insane ?[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't even be entertaining the thought of working this out! He has been so disrespectful and hurtful toward you that the mere thought of you getting back together with him should fill you with absolute dread! You shouldn't even be considering it! He cheated on you and lied and said so many hurtful things, it doesn't matter if he apologizes, the damage has been done. He can't take it back. And the problem is that if you allow him back into your life, he's going to either keep seeing that girl behind your back or he'll cheat again with someone else, because he's a pig and a snake and a total and complete jerk!

You don't even need to be friends with this guy, because he doesn't deserve your friendship, either! You owe him NOTHING! You seem to be glossing over the fact that he has hurt you so deeply and letting it slide, the fact that he has cheated and disrespected you so much. Why do you want a friend like that? What kind of friend is that? And what's the point? Just so he can go off and do something else that's going to hurt you again? I don't see why you would want to put yourself in that position.

I'm speaking from experience here, from an almost identical situation. And I'm telling you that the BEST thing you can do FOR YOUR SELF is to ditch the guy, cut him off completely, and move on with your life. The worst possible thing you can do for yourself, for your self-esteem and your self-worth is to keep this guy anywhere in your life. He doesn't belong anymore. He doesn't deserve to have you in his life anymore, he totally blew it. It's done, it's over, he is a has-been and the sooner you treat him as such, the sooner you can move on with your life.

It's very hard to move on after spending so much time with someone. I know! but it's even harder to wake up one day, 3 years later saying to yourself, My God, have I honestly wasted 10 years of my life that I will never get back again, on this guy who cheated on me and then proceeded to make me suffer every single day since the incident occurred? Did I really honestly do that to myself? How could I have been so stupid? Why didn't I listen to people when they told me to get rid of him? That is what's going to happen if you don't do what I tell you. Believe me, it's going to hurt a lot less in the long run if you dump him now and get him permanently out of your life than it will 3 years from now when 10 years of your life have been wasted on a guy who isn't even good enough to be the slime on the bottom of your shoe.

matter of time 01-18-2008 12:53 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
I wouldn't call it cheating, I'd call it "He broke up with you and found someone else".

Cheating is if he was (or continues) to be with someone else and still wants to be with you like nothing is different.

He denied your relationship, talked to her on the phone in front of you etc. He just doesn't know how to break up.

Seven years is enough. Move on.

happymom28 01-18-2008 01:09 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Don't feel worthless. He is a PIG! Any man (and I use that term VERY loosely) who would treat a woman that way is scum and isn't worthy of any of your tears.

There is nothing to work out with him. There is nothing there. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even love this other girl or the other girl he is probably cheating on her with. He only loves himself.

You need to cut him out 100%. He isn't worth your time or energy. Why would you even want to be with a man who would deny you and your relationship to feed his ego with another woman? You are better than that! The only way you will even begin to get past him is by acting like he doesn't exist. It will be hard, but in time it will get easier.

Do me a favor, any time you get the urge to call him or answer his calls you come on here and vent. You reread your original post and you remember all the rotten things he did to you. Do not for one second think he will change. There are so many decent men in the world and trust me, that pig is not one of them. Be happy you didn't marry or have children with him and do your best to move on. You deserve a thousand times better.

rosequartz 01-18-2008 02:31 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
I skimmed your post.......
why are you still calling him your BOYFRIEND ????

bulletproof 01-18-2008 07:56 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Even if you thought this could work out (which it clearly cannot), why would you want it to? He has been very inconsiderate and he's a liar. Not really great qualities in a partner. This is a very unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. I know it is hard after seven years, but this is beyond acceptable behavior. I am somewhat shocked that you would even consider getting back together with him.

My advice is to cut contact. Stop taking phone calls, messages, whatever. Ignore him and hope that he goes away, because this is really, really damaging behavior.

BlackNBlued 01-18-2008 08:08 PM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
I am in a 6 year relationship thats going sour. I can't imagine finding out that he cheated on me after all we've been through. I'm really sorry about this. He is a really rotten person to do that to you. If he respected u he would have told you how he felt before straying. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. It's his issue though dont think that its something you did.

I'm about to break up with my boyfriend as well ....I don't know it does suck though after wasting all those years with someone then all the sudden they just fall out of love and turn on you. it hurts i know ur pain

Bulakatos72 01-19-2008 03:10 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Cheating one ,but emotional cheating is worse.I personaly believe people can natural fall outa of love but in those cases it should be told to the other partner immediately then then couple can go separate ways peacefuly. prolonging it is not healthy best to cut the corde before you get dragged down with him.

Larrylou'smom 01-19-2008 03:21 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Coming in late on this but just to throw in my 2 cents...

Good advice from the other posters. This guy's a pig and a loser and obviously his mother doesn't know him nearly as well as she thinks she does.

Yoru problem is not this guy and how to work it out. Your problem is your unbelievably low self esteem that caused you to tolerate this intolerable treatment . You should have been long gone the first time he started to treat you like anything other than a princess. It sounds like he's getting some kind of sick pleasure out of seeing how many times he can connive his way back into your life. Toughen up and kick this guy to the curb once and for all. Believe me, when it's all said and done and years from now when you look back on this time, it won't be losing him that you'll feel bad about, it will be how much crap you took from him that you will have to live with that will be the hardest. Don't take anymore.

leelee04 01-19-2008 07:02 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Thanks everyone for your replies. I do understand what you are saying, and if it was someone else going through what I am going through I would say the same thing. But I still love him. I dont even want to think about me with other men. I just cant right now. I love him so much and I cant stop. He was my best friend. I cry all the time. I cry myself to sleep, I even cry in my sleep and I wake up crying! I cant believe it is bothering me this bad! I know this is out of his character, I know it is. I just think there has to be something going on with him right now that he doesent know how to express. When I told my family they were shocked. They said this is not like him at all. They also think there is something wrong with him. What he did was wrong. We are no longer together and I even told him that we are not getting back together because he has asked. I just dont know how to get over this sadness and move on. I'm stuck.

bulletproof 01-19-2008 07:11 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
[QUOTE=leelee04;3399147] I love him so much and I cant stop.

I just think there has to be something going on with him right now that he doesent know how to express.

We are no longer together and I even told him that we are not getting back together because he has asked.[/QUOTE]

You can stop loving someone- but you have to give it time and you have to distance yourself from that person in order for that to occur. That means no contact whatsoever. It also means working on who you are, which includes things like therapy if you feel you need it, and making changes in your day-to-day life.

Yes, there is something going on with him that he doesn't know how to express- that something is that he no longer wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you. Giving him an excuse is not going to work. Whatever it is he can't 'express' is not your problem anymore. What happens if you get married, have children, and he can't 'express' himself again?

Stop speaking to him and let time and distance take over so that you can heal.

happymom28 01-19-2008 07:32 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Love doesn't work like a light switch. If it did there wouldn't be so many people who feel the way you do after a breakup. You have to give yourself some time. Nobody is expecting you to stop loving him. 7 years is a long time to be with somebody and there will probably always be a part of you that still loves him. But just because you still have feelings for him doesn't mean that you should be together or even that he deserves your love.

Separating yourself from him completely is the best way to heal. It is going to be hard, nobody is going to tell you differently on that subject. But as time goes on it will get easier.

Also, it helps not to make excuses for his behavior. He treated you badly and you are not to blame for any of it. Be agry about that and that anger will help you to keep your distance.

Nina000 01-19-2008 08:04 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
Oh my God...well I can see why this has disturbed you and confused you so much. Only reading your post got my blood fuming. I am sorry he turned out to be such a b!!tard. I am wondering if you saw signs of his shocking treatment before...but this is not important now. I am appauled, to say the least, by his total disregard to your feelings, having been his partner for SEVEN years!!!!!
The good news is, he will dump her or get dumped by her unless she is a total mental, because if she is level-headed she will see signs of her future with him in the way he disgracefully treated you.

Don't allow him to dare think that he has destroyed your life. I know you are so unreceptive to the idea of being with anyone else, your hurt is fresh! But time is on your side, because he and she will become old news soon. You will prove to yourself that you have done yourself the biggest favour by dumping this idiot. You deserve a gentleman who your ex is incapable of becoming...Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you upset. . Stay strong, ok?

Kszan 01-19-2008 08:14 AM

Re: My boyfriend of 7 yrs cheated on me
 
[QUOTE=leelee04;3399147] I dont even want to think about me with other men. I just cant right now.[/QUOTE]

That's actually a good thing, because the LAST thing you need to do right now is get into another relationship. What you need to do right now is concentrate on yourself. You do have low self-esteem, and that's why it would be an excellent time for you to work on that and build it back up again, on your own, without distractions. Especially not with your pig loser ex bf calling you all the time. That kind of distraction is counter productive to your personal growth, which is why you can't allow it to continue. It's time to cut him off and put yourself first for a change. Show yourself that you actually matter to yourself and ditch him for good.


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