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A little DH Vent...

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Old 01-22-2008, 09:28 AM   #1
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Destea HB User
Red face A little DH Vent...

I won't blame pregnancy hormones for this one!! Sorry.. if anyone makes it through this I commend you - it's long and blabbly

My husband, is a *wee bit* OCD about cleaning the house. Personally, I think our house is pretty darn clean 95% of the time. Our hardwood floors are vacuumed, then spray/wiped every single week. Bathrooms are cleaned, carpet is vacuumed, dishes are done daily, sinks are clean, tables are wiped - in fact I think our house is pretty tidy and comfortable.

There are days when my DH will just randomly get a super-bug to absolutely scrub things around the house and talk about "what a mess" it is O.o It baffles me! I know we have different standards of 'clean' but ... you won't find dust build up or dirt on counters in our place so I really don't get it.

The reason I'm having a mini-vent is this:
Yesterday my DH came home from being gone for the weekend visiting a friend. The previous weekend he went on a snowboarding trip and, me 5.5 months pregnant, somehow found the energy to clean all of the floors and the kitchen in the house while he was gone. I was really quite proud of myself because my energy is pathetic these days!!

Fast forward to this past Saturday before he left Sunday morning(just came back yesterday afternoon). I came home Friday half day from work feeling a little feverish and absolutely exhausted/worn out. I thought it best to leave work and come home to bed - which I did. I was out solid from the second I got home until 4 hours later when he got home from work himself.

I crashed again at 10pm that night when we went to bed and was sleeping soundly aside from a few wake ups feeling chilled or too hot (or the other 4 times I had to pee - argh!). So when he got up at 7am, I was still feeling a little under the weather and decided to stay in bed for a while.

10 minutes later, I hear the vacuum going upstairs O.o (we use the vacuum w/ extension to suck up all of the cat/dog hair and dust off of the hardwood floors before doing the mop/spray thing... easier than sweeping typically). At 7:10am on a Saturday morning - his sick, pregnant wife trying to sleep downstairs.

What the hell? I don't get it. But I try to ignore it knowing he gets this random bug sometimes. I finally give up and get up around 8am and he's like "Oh hey you're up!" :| Yeah. I'm up. I choose not to make a big deal about it, pick your battles right? Knowing full well he'd FLIP OUT if I made ANY noise while he's trying to sleep - this is one of our double standards I cannot stand. So then he goes - "I did finish vacuuming up all of the stuff, if you don't feel up to mopping the floors today I can just do it after I do my bike ride" O.o gee how nice of you to let me know I don't HAVE to do it when it's a chore YOU started. WHAT? So I told him "Hey you know I'm still not feeling too hot, so if you don't mind can you just do it when you get back?" and he seemed fine with that.

Fast forward to that late afternoon - he goes on a 3.5 hour bike ride, goes out for a big meal w/ the group he rode with, then spends 2 hours in the garage washing his car and tinkering with his bike(s). Comes inside, exhausted. I feel a little bad for him (despite it being an ideal Saturday from his point of view I'm sure!) so I just say "hey you know what just don't worry about the floors, you leave tomorrow and I'll try to just get it done before you get home Monday". Ok, no problem.

So.. he tells me he's coming home Monday early evening (6 - 7ish). I figure... Sunday, I'm still feeling not great, worn down, and prefer to rest. I already had to go face the crowds at the grocery store (which I HATE but it's 'my' chore of the house typically so I do it in all fairness) for over an hour and all I want to do is sit down, plan our nursery out, and rest! So I don't do the floor Sunday.

I figure, Monday afternoon when I get home from work, I'll get it done and it'll be spic and span by the time he gets home. Surprise! He comes home 4 hours earlier. Waaay before I get home.

He gets upset that I haven't done the floors, and then gets on me about the dog dung on the back deck (regrettably, I admit and apologized for lagging on the duty of cleaning it up. Frankly bending over to scoop up dog poo is not quite as quick and easy as it once was with this giant stomach in my way, but I can still do it and really just wimped out because it was cold and I was tired and lazy.).

I basically got the semi-cold shoulder all night because of this last night! His friend came with him to stay with us for a while (he's going through a rough time and might be leaving his wife sad situation, I adore this friend so no big deal to me...) and he was so... unaffectionate and I'd missed him while he was gone but it wasn't really the time to be like "uh what's up w/ you?!"

I asked him this morning if he was upset w/ me about something last night, and he said "yeah - the same ol' dog situation coming up again and again."

I realize she's my dog. I realize I slacked on picking up her poop on the deck. I apologized for it, but you know what? I manufacturing a frickin' child here people. Bending over sucks, quite frankly, and going out in the rainy 40 degree weather (hey I grew up in central CA where it's 65 year round - this is cold for me lol) was just not appealing. I did it first thing last night when I got home without even discussing it with him, and today he tells me he was upset about me not taking care of her. He could help out once in a while, you know >:\

Sorry, I know this is long, pointless, and just whiney - but I am starting to get really freaked out about what his expectations are going to be once the baby comes. I don't think he has ANY rational idea of how much... messier, it's going to be around the house with a *child* in it. Nevermind that for the first few months of staying home with the baby I'm probably barely going to be getting any sleep and cleaning/cooking will have to be eased into.

I just wonder if his already difficult to keep up with requirements are going to be obtainable? We both work 8+ hours a day and commute roughly an hour or so to our jobs... I'm sure I'll have more time to clean the house but I don't know if he knows about how complicated cleaning + feeding + trying to sleep + doing laundry + changing diapers + everything else is going to be right off the bat?!

Ugh I'm annoyed that he's sitting her nit picking at me for slacking on dog poop which he's perfectly capable of assiting me with (did I not clean the whole house myself just last weekend? Chrimony!) or whining about recycling sitting by the door. Things he can help me out with right now when I'm just... off balanced and tired all of the time. I do my best and still keep up pretty well but I'm sick of his snotty expectations, I don't feel appreciated, I don't feel the least bit... understood with how tiring this pregnancy has been on me. I get up at 5am for work, get home by 4pm still just like him but I'm expected to do all of the same things he does when really by 4pm I could easily just go to bed as far as I'm concerned!!!

I don't know where I'm going with this. If you made it through - wow, thanks. I want to find a way to help set realistic expectations so I don't get guilt tripped or snarky attitude every time one little thing goes undone around an otherwise tidy home space. I would never complain about his ability to assist with chores (which by my watch he darn well should be we're a partnership anyway right?) but it'd be nice if instead of focusing so closely on my flaws all of the time he could appreciate the good bits of me once in a while. He's no horrible man but right now I feel very ... unappreciated. I'd like to see HIM build a baby >:[

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Old 01-22-2008, 09:41 AM   #2
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happymom28 HB User
Re: A little DH Vent...

Vent away Destea! LOL Are you feeling any better today?

I can completely sympathise with you because I am that OCD neat freak and I drive my husband bonkers at times.

I know you were only venting and not really asking for help, but have you thought about talking to him about what's going to happen when the baby comes? How you think you could share the duties of the home? Maybe you can make some sort of gameplan before the craziness hits.

Try not to worry too much though. There is no pleases us crazy neat freaks sometimes! But with a little bit of talking and working together you may be able to help him to get a little more comfy with a child made mess. It took me 6 years, but I got there.

Old 01-22-2008, 10:09 AM   #3
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Destea HB User
Re: A little DH Vent...

Hahah actually I really appreciate any suggestions because aside from writing him a letter (sometimes this is easier for us, we can talk until we're blue in the face but somehow words on paper seem to sink in a little better for him especially) regarding my strong feelings of being under appreciated, I feel at wits end!

Sometimes I do throw out comments about "man.. I know you really love your stuff and are protective but what are you going to do when we turn our backs for 1 second and suddenly there's scratches from a pen all over your pretty entertainment cabinet? Stuff happens with kids!!". He just says it'll be fine, but I really don't think he gets how little that nice furniture is going to really stand the test of time w/ little kids. I don't expect to just let my kids run rampant, but stuff happens - accidents, 'whoops I just ran to go pee and look at that, there's sharpe all over the wall - where on EARTH did he find that?!?!?' stuff... you know!? I can only do my best lol.

Maybe it is a good idea once we get closer to discuss what the expectations will be. I don't expect that he'll think it's entirely up to me to still tidy the entire house myself when I'm home (though I'm happy to do more) because it's not like vacation time - I'll be following a busy baby around at least for a while. We'll see. That's a great idea though, I appreciate you at least reading through all that hun, REALLY! I need to be heard)@(&%

I think this morning is when I'm really feeling the most frustrated because I just found out he was upset with me (though I suspected by his 'distant' nature last night). It's just annoying... he was off all day hanging out w/ friends at the beach, throwing frisbees, watching movies and I was up at 5am driving through the rain to work then hitting an hour and a half of traffic due to an accident in pouring rain on the way home and all I get is attitude - and I STILL offer to make dinner for all of us. I thought that was pretty darned nice :P

Old 01-22-2008, 10:46 AM   #4
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Re: A little DH Vent...

Sorry I didn't get thoroughly and completely through your thread, Des, but wanted to reply...

I think in a nutshell, he has the right to be as OCD as he wants to be about cleaning, but he does NOT have the right to make it your problem especially when you are pregnant and really shouldn't be around cleaning fluids and products and bending over and reaching and all that too much anyway. I can be a bit OCD about cleanliness as well, and about how my dog is cared for, but I would never expect anyone else to behave to my standards. I'll just say "leave it and I'll do it when I get back." and that's that.

Shame on him for giving you grieve over something like hairy floors and doggie poo when you are pregnant and not feeling well. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can think of is simply tell him you are pregnant and that takes priority. If you're feeling under the weather, you're going to rest, no matter what else slides, and that's that. Now I suppose a case could be made that you said you'd do the floors, (you did, right?) and then didn't, but he still needs to know that you need your rest and you need to focus on your baby, and if there's something he feels that strongly about, then it's going to have to be up to him. You have different standards and while you do your best to do your part, you can't do it all, and it's not fair for him to expect you to clean up to his standards when he's away and can't or won't do it himself. Good luck to you and the wee one!

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