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long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

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Old 01-22-2008, 11:54 PM   #1
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Unhappy long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

Hi, All. I am kinda new here...kinda been one of those lurkers for a few days. I have decided to go ahead and post my situation...don't know why I am so worried about doing this. I don't know anybody but I am still nervous. Nevertheless, you folks seem to have good advice, so here goes.

I have been married to my first and only love for 9 years now. We have children and life goes well most of the time. We were both raised in religious families and belive marriage is not just a trial run on happiness...we know it takes work and we know you can't just walk away when things aren't going the way you want. There was a time a few years ago when my husband cheated on me. Talk about a bomb being dropped...I didn't know which way to go. I cried, and cried and got angry and then, I found myself soul searching. Was this man really worth trying to rebuild trust and the long road that I knew lay ahead? After a week or two, I decided one month and a very bad decision was not worth throwing our relationship away. I found strength I was not aware was in me. For the first time I identified myself aside from him...and we worked through things including the affair, his alcohol use, my spending habits and a few other wonderful things and here we are 4 years later.

Here's the tough part-I find myself questioning my decision. I find myself jealous of the fact that I have never kissed another man and that he has another woman. I wonder if I stayed with him out of "doing the right thing" or because I didn't want my kids to suffer. Please don't get me wrong, I do love him. We get along most of the time...he has since been faithful. But things aren't the same with us. When he chose to have an affair, he took "us" away. You see, we were each others first and only kiss and first and only a huge part of "us" was killed by the affair.

Now, just to make my life more like a soap opera, I find myself pulled in this strange direction. For the first time in our married life, I find myself wildly attracted to another man. I long to be with this person. No, I have not made any "move" nor has he...but I think about it all the time. When he smiles at me I find my knees shakey...just like a school girl!! I am quite sure if I made the move, he would not back away. Please don't hate me, as I know many of you have been hurt by the such...what is crazy is I have been hurt by the such as well. I just don't know. I find myself justifying actions....such as what would one kiss hurt? I would not sleep with this man..but just a kiss and to have him hold me.....

Anyway, that is my issue. Thanks for reading....I feel better already just getting it off my chest. Again, I am not proud of this and I realize marriage is marriage. But he threw it aside....and this guy drives my crazy....I am so ashamed to admit that the last time hubby and I had relations, I thought about him. Oh, I am so going to hell.....

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Old 01-23-2008, 03:13 AM   #2
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

You have had the rug pulled out from under you by this betrayal. I can see just where you are coming from. On the one hand, you are right in that one bad decision need not be a reason to throw out the whole marriage and history, yet it has left a huge hole in your love and faith in him and your partnership. You will never get that original partnership back. The question for you now is whether you want to build a new on with your husband, as in ruling a line under the past and finding your way back to each other. I would advise very strongly that you do not start up anything with someone else under these circumstances - you sound like a very moral person and the guilt will probably destroy you. If you decide your marriage is worth saving, go to couples counselling and have both of you deal with this major disruption. You cannot do it alone. If you decide to end it, do not complicate the whole thing by having an affair on your conscience. Sera.

Old 01-23-2008, 05:21 AM   #3
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

Yeah whatever you do, do not have an affair! Do not kiss or whatever you long to do. That will only make you feel horrible about yourself and YOU are not the problem so don't make it that way!

This is why it's so hard to decide whether or not you are going to stay married after adultry...because you don't know if you will ever get over it. I'm sure when you decided to stay you figured that the two of you could work it out and that you'd get over it but 4 years later here you are not over it yet. I hate to sound like a broken record but I think that if you are going to stay married that you need some counseling. Either alone or as a couple...most likely both.

You can never say that you didn't try and work this out and don't ever feel like you did the wrong thing that you stayed for the childrens' sake! The children are the most important thing IMHO once you have kids...they need to be top priority. I don't mean staying in a marriage if there was abuse though! I just believe that once you choose to bring kids into the world and until you raise them up...there are sacrifices one must make. As far as I'm concerned, it's a huge sacrifice to stay with someone that's betrayed you I don't care how sorry they act like they are. I mean how can you cheat on someone that you truly love? I don't think that you can! Again that's only my opinion. Not only did he cheat on you, he cheated on his children!

Try and seek counseling to help you get through this...perhaps your church offers this? Getting involved with another man will only complicate things and make you feel guilt. The few moments of pleasure are not worth the lifetime of pain you will feel from committing adultry! Remember, you would not only be cheating on the husband(and at this point you probably don't care if you hurt him) but you will be cheating on your children!

I can't tell you how sad this story makes me! I can SO relate! Being cheated on is one tough pill to swallow!
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Last edited by hoopty; 01-23-2008 at 05:24 AM.

Old 01-23-2008, 06:12 AM   #4
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

As tempting as it may be don't do anything with this other man. The guilt will eat you alive and it truly will only compliate your feelings even more.

I don't doubt that you love your husband, but I think there are still issues that need to be worked out between you. Does he truly know what an impact his affair had? I mean, I wanted to cry when you said how you were eachother's first everything and I can so see how a part of you as a couple is missing now. He needs to know how deeply it affected you.

I really urge the both of you to seek some counselling. Even if you already tried it before you should again. It never hurts to keep trying to improve communication and working through these sort of issues. If you can't move on with him at least you will know you tried everything you could that was within your power.

Old 01-23-2008, 06:13 AM   #5
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

I was in similar situation myself. About 4 years after my husband's affair I had an opportunity to be with another man. I went for the kiss and it rocked my world, I felt it down to my toes...(we never went all the way). I never felt guilty about it. But you have to realize that if you feel seriously attracted to the other guy, your marriage is a shell.

Old 01-23-2008, 06:42 AM   #6
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

Just keep in mind that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Temptation will get the best of you if you act on your impulse. I know that you have been scared for life from your husbands infedelity, but it looks as though you have come a long way already by forgiving your husband. That is the hardest thing to do. Right now you are basically having an emotional affair with this other man. I'm sure that deep down it would feel somewhat gratifying to get some sort of revenge on him and yet get satisfaction for yourself. It is rare these days to truly stay with your first love, as I'm sure there is always that wonder factor lerking in the back of your mind of what life would be like if you where with someone else.

We all make mistakes, and if you both are as religious as you say, focus on that. Sins are forgiven if as long as you forgive yourself and you are remorsefull. Have you asked your husband if the reason for his affair was out of curiosity of only being with you? Or was is something that he was lacking in your marriage?

Last edited by walkabout; 01-23-2008 at 06:43 AM.

Old 01-23-2008, 09:23 PM   #7
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

You would be amazed how much our stories are alike....amazed.

My husband and I were each others first and onlys...he had an emotional affair (with kissing...but no sex-so he says. Am I dumb to believe him??) ...he had a drinking problem and I like to spend money!

Ok, first having a crush will not send you to hell. I can SO see how you are hurting. And the other posters are right on the money...nothing can make it the way it was. You can no longer say your husband has only kissed you....and that trust is shattered. I have been there. If you can't accept that-or don't want to, maybe it is time to move on. Although I have not experienced the temptation you are experiencing, I can see where you are coming from...once you have been cheated on, something that you swore you would "never" do becomes something not quite so taboo.

However, I think the guilt will destroy you. Do you think you are longing for this man so much or maybe are you just longing to be free?? Is what was taken away just too much for you to bear?

Last edited by HappyFlower; 01-23-2008 at 09:30 PM. Reason: misspelling

Old 01-24-2008, 01:50 AM   #8
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Re: long for another man after DH's affair....any insight??

Hi, I am new here too, but I just wanted to respond to you. My ex- husband cheated on me at least 3 times during our marriage. Even when he was caught by a friend red-handed, he'd lie and say that so and so was exaggerating. Then I caught him with a woman who was supposed to be my bestfriend and I thought I was going to lose my mind.
I was so confused and hurt and angry I didn't know who to turn to. I just didn't think I could trust anyone anymore. In my heart I knew I should leave him but with 3 small boys, I decided to fight for our marriage and I managed to get him back. I guess he and I should have got counseling because inside I was deeply hurt and still was enraged at him. This hurt and betrayal led to me having an affair.
At first it was just revenge but I soon started to have feeling for this man, and I took the kids and left my husband. It was awful and horrible and I regret to this day that I hurt so many people ( myself included) by having an affair. I do not regret the divorce but I did it wrong. I should have just left and got thru it on my own, but having someone 's shoulder to cry on and knowing for sure that someone wanted me was a very powerful feeling. I guess my self esteem was very low by 3 ego shattering affairs that this person whom I had been with since I was 15 years old was just more than I could handle. Needless to say that my affair didn't turn into a fairytale ending.
My point is this: Having an affair is selfish and immature and yeah it will hurt your husband as much or more than he hurt you, buy in the end it will hurt you more. If you can work it out great. But make sure you guy's get all the anger out of the way so you can truly start again. There are many places you can go to get counseling, like a church or community center, or a therapist. because truly bringing another person into it wont resolve your hurt.
Please don't think I am being preachy cause I don't intend that. I am just saying that short term an affair is like a bandaid on a gaping wounded heart. It doesn't last long and it doesn't solve deep issues of trust or abandonment, or that feeling of having the rug pulled out from under you. I know you have to be hurting still and I wish you all the best. If you want to talk more let me know. I am usually at the back boards but have been popping over here to visit a new friend. Again best of luck, Dee
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