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  • just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

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    Old 02-04-2008, 09:07 AM   #1
    calypso
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    just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

    OVERVIEW: Said girl and I have been dating for 2+ months. She lives 4 hours away, and we saw each other quite a bit over Christmas break just recently (only being 1 hour away). Also, I had gone down to visit her a couple times for a 2-3 day stretch at her college. This girl is very independent and a bit emotionally reserved, and I had been taking things ver slow with her. I also just asked her to by my gf 5 days ago to which she was thrilled about.

    I get a text message or 2 last night , she was out partying with people down at her college, and I was out at my buddies' party up here. She said good night to me in a text but I didnt get it till the following morning. I was driving to work and missed her call, but she soon thereafter sent me a text saying "I am heading up north, I will drop off your stuff at your work." There was no smileys or any firtations going on in the text, so my gut told me something was wrong (she doesn't know this though.) I had a sick feeling in my stomach she was coming up here to dump me because she obviously didn't care enough to come up to watch me race, follow up going to my friends' party, then maybe hanging out with me and my family for SuperBowl festivities. I thought it would have been nice if she would have made her way up here, but didn't expect her to or pressure her into it. Anyways, I call my one friend and tell him I think she's coming up here to dump me. He isn't sure why I felt the way I did, but as it turns out, I was right.

    I finally got ahold of my gf and we shot the breeze like normal. I dind't sense that my gut was indeed correct. We laughed like normal , talked about the previous night, shot the breeze some more, and then she brought out all of a sudden something along the lines of "I wanna talk about something. " I knew it was coming at that point. She said "I don't think this is going to work out between us." I was silent for a while, and then said "Ok, that's fine, I can respect that." I said "I can respect that you have priorities that are higher than myself, and want to pursue your school and such, but I stand by this fact: if you want it bad enough you will MAKE it happen, or make it work." I began a series of questions directed at her and it wasn't to sway her opinion, it was merely to ask just to ask. At first she gave me the impression that she was getting rid of me because of the distance aspect and the fact that we wouldn't be able to see each other enough to have a meaningful relationship. I can accept that, although I do think that if she liked me enough, she would have made it happen. I briefly told her how my ex pulled this same stunt; I had been dating my ex for a while and then she basicaly had computed and calculated that we wouldn't ever work out because I like nights, she likes mornings, and etc. We ended up dating 2 years on/off a few months later. I later got my gf to assumingly admit that the reason she no longer wants to date is for a number of other reasons I didn't yet list. She told me she liked our relationship better before we were "official" yet , yet at the same time telling me I had put absolutley no pressure on her while we were official. She said she liked how I let her do whatever she wanted, sorta speak, without being the jealuous boyfriend figure. She said I was the best guy she has ever dated. Something doesn't add up for me.....

    I got more out of her....she tells me that she liked our relationship better before we became official because she had these freedoms to do as she pleased, yet at the same time telling me that she didn't feel like anything changed when we became official. I wouldn't have been wasting my time if she wanted {removed} random guys like her roomates do , although we weren't together, I felt some sort of understanding between us that we wouldn't neccesarilyt do that. Me asking her out officially was just an extensions of those sentiments, and thus that's why I feel that way because of the fact she felt like nothing had really changed after I asked her to be my boyfriend officially. I am not the type to keep someone from doing what they want and am usualy not one to act upon any future jealous emotions I may have, which is a good thing because I think (or should I say THOUGHT) bode well for her, being that she's very independent and such. She told me she liked how I didn't care about her going to Homecoming with this one guy and other such things. Something still doesn't add up for me. Also, I apologize if this seems randomly put together jargon.

    So anyways, it comes down to the fact she doesn't care about me enough to want to make little sacrifices in her tight schedule to make this work, she wants the freedom to fool around with whomever she wants, and still wanted to be friends with me after this was all said and done. What a way to add salt in the wound, its like thanks, I once had the cake, now all I get is crumbs. I want no part of that! . Trust me, its hard letting go totally of someone and cutting all ties, but I explained to her that it would be a waste of both her time and mine. She has her friends, I have mine, and I add nothing to her life by simply being an ear on the phone (friend.) She agreed after I got that out....

    At any rate, we hang up, and about 2 hours later she is at my work. She asks me if certain things in this plastic bag are indeed mine (gloves, hat) and I confirm so. She is like half smiling at me which I found to be quite irritating, seeing as how it confirms how disinterested she truly is in me and my well being and seemingly leading me along this whole time with intentions of otherwise....She walks to my truck and says "No more deer hair in the back huh?" (I hit a deer and the dead deer was in my truck.) I reply, "nope." She stands there I think expecting some sort of last hug or kiss from me which no part of me wants to give her. She senses this after a few seconds, her last words were something along the lines of "good luck to you" and I reciprocate.

    If I had to put my gut feelings on this whole ordeal, I will right here: I told her and she admittedly knew that once you enter into a relationship, people out of nowhere seem to come out of the woodwork. You will find people having interest in you left and right. Seeing as how her roomates have horrible representations of how to treat a significant other or someone you are at least dating semi-seriously, engaging in sexual behaviors with just about anyone, I think it plays a pivotal role in how she is. I think my gf is a pretty straight shooter but I think her roomates' actions of sleeping with Joe Schmoe probably rub off on her and she sees this as some sort of thrill ride. I think that her history of men in her life hasd shaped who she is; she has told me of being her exs' F buddy long after she found out he cheated on her. She also had another guy she was essentially F buddies with for a summer at home. That is fine. I am not here to judge. But it is not my cup of tea to engage in this, and what really hurts me is that she had me fooled. I really did think she liked me but was semi-reserved and withdrawn in the emotional department. What turns out is that she doesn't like me enough to find value in continuing this long distance thing. I also believe she has/had a lustful eye very recently (could have even been last night, she may have even hooked up last night, who the hell knows) and with that lustful eye probably wants to act upon it instead of staying on the straight and narrow with me. That is fine. I can respect most of what she told me, but there are too many holes in her story for me to give her my full belief for her reasons. And I have been lied to straight to my face before by the likes of my ex. My ex gf told me there was no one else. 3 days later pops out some dude she's in a relationship with. I am confident she has some lies convaluted in her story , but again, I am not here to find the truth. What it is is what it is, I can not make her change her mind, nor can I make her like me more and make me a higher priority. Whatever This sucks


    Part of me wants to put a kebosh on this whole thing and never talk to her again, and another part of me wants to say screw it, ill be your friend. AHHH

    Last edited by Moderator BAC; 02-04-2008 at 09:24 AM. Reason: Discussion of sexual acts of any kind does not belong on this board. Thank you!

     
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    Old 02-04-2008, 09:21 AM   #2
    happymom28
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    Re: just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

    What will you gain by being her friend? I think the only thing you will gain is listening to her "stories" that you won't want to hear, and then maybe, just maybe, be on next on her list of "buddies" (if you know what I mean).

    Honestly, I don't see one thing you can gain from being her friend. She clearly used that line to not look the "bad guy" here. She is who she is and you are who you are. You seem like you have values that are higher than her's (and I'm not being judgemental, just observent) so I think that this will only color how you view her as a friend.

    Anyway, that's just my opinion.

     
    Old 02-04-2008, 12:04 PM   #3
    ltmike
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    Re: just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

    hey man, something similar happened to me, mine also suddenly just switched off and broke up with me citing a dubious reason. i also think she just wants to f around. it's hard man, it is really hard. like yours, mine gave me "i still want to be friends and hang out." which is complete bs if you ask me, just a breakup line, you know? sounds like you have a really good attitude about it though. i remember having no appetite for a week and not being able to sleep. anyhow, the most important thing right now is to go about your business and have no expectations. it's impossible not to think about what happened, but do understand that it's over and that your life is still moving. i also want to add that if you two get back together somewhere down the road, i suggest pulling the same load of crap on her that she just pulled on you. what she did is complete bs and extremely inconsiderate and it would be in the name of justice for her to experience the same emotional pain and physical manifestations of that pain that she has so kindly placed upon you. im still pretty bitter about mine and i probably won't stand by that last part in a month or two. but whatever, screw her man, you don't need a girl like that, nor does anyone. go about your life and forget about this one, shes not worth the effort. there are some great women out there that will put this girl to absolute shame.

    Last edited by ltmike; 02-04-2008 at 01:54 PM.

     
    Old 02-04-2008, 12:04 PM   #4
    leeleelanilou
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    Re: just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

    I'm wondering if she had a pretty wild night & decided she didn't want to be "tied" down with any one man? You sound like a one woman man & she doesn't fit the bill! It's going to be hard but I would steer clear of her or you may end up being even more hurt in the future. You sound like a good guy & there's someone out there for you that will have the same attitude about relationships as you do. It doesn't sound like you'd want to degrade yourself by just being her "buddy". I think you'd hate yourself in the morning.

     
    Old 02-04-2008, 04:40 PM   #5
    jo5086
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    Re: just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

    bottom line is she doesn't want to be with you. I don't understand how exes can go from a romantic relationship to friends right away, if at all, but, to each his own. the thing that really caught my attention here was the fact that you think her friends influenced her to change her mind. if that makes it easier for you to believe, so be it. but i'm telling you from a girls perspective, i have friends that are single and are "crazy" and free sexually, and friends that are in long term committed relationships and/or married, and when we go out and party, neither party seems to influence the other into changing their sexual patterns/behaviour.

     
    Old 02-04-2008, 10:23 PM   #6
    Seraph
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    Re: just got dumped yesterday, i would like some advice/guidance on this....

    I am sorry for your pain, and you will not want to hear this right now, so put it away for later - You are better off without this floozy!! You sound like a sincere thoughtful guy, and deserve a lovely girl who is really into you. I hope you find her. Best wishes, Sera

     
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