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  • I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

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    Old 02-05-2008, 02:23 PM   #1
    nannie8
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    I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    Hi everyone; I sure could use someone to "talk" to or some advice. I'll try to make this as brief as possible. The whole story is very long and detailed, but I don't want to get into everything in one post. Here goes:
    I agreed to marry my husband and moved 2,000 miles away on the condition he would get into rehab and stop drinking. He did, and we moved. We weren't here 1 month when he was drinking again. His porn addiction was in high gear as well, it seems to go hand in hand with the drinking. It got so bad that after a little over a year of dealing with the drinking/porn, I decided to leave and went back home for a little while. While I was gone, he got into rehab, AA, therapy and got on depression meds. I came back 6 weeks later and let me tell you, things are were great. He is still sober and has been for 6 and a half months. He still goes to AA and rehab, though not as much and is still taking his meds. Our communication improved ten-fold and after a few months of being back, I felt I could trust him, I felt he loved me with all his heart and I finally got trust back...I was relaxed and we were both happy; things were better than they had ever been. Let me point out that the catalyst that made me leave was one night when we BOTH got drunk, I had the guts to give him grief over the porn (it wasn't a typical guy looking up "typical" porn, it was swingers sites, personals, wife swapping, adultery...all the same common theme). Well when I brought it up, he started yelling at me and saying "well why wouldn't I look at this stuff, look how fat you've gotten!" (I am 5'6 and have never weighed more than 150 pounds...I am average in build and quite good looking, or so I'm told). He is skinny and his ex-wife is tiny, so maybe in his opinion I'm fat...I don't know, but needless to say, that hurt me to the core. He started overturning tables and other furniture and I ran out and the next day made the decision to leave. I also want to mention (because of the porn thing) that his ex-wife turned out to be gay (and he knew she was at least bi-sexual when they married), I know they cheated on each other and I can only imagine the things they may have engaged in. I also want to mention that he is a victim of childhood sexual abuse, thus the drinking, other addictions, etc. Our relationship is probably the first "normal" one he's ever been in (he's 47, I'm 42). He got married at 23 and was married for 13 years, spent the next 7 years or so screwing around with anyone, drinking, etc. and then we got together. I know many of you would say I'm nuts for getting involved with him, but there are good sides of him...I could even see those in the troubled, drinking days. So as I said, since I've been back it's been great...life has been really good or was, for about 5 months. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, I noticed a change and herein is where the trouble lies. He started being moody, snappy, snapping at me, quick to anger, withdrawn, etc...all the things that happened before. We talked about it, and he said he didn't know why and he was actually quite nice and respectful and caring during these discussions. He has been apologizing a lot lately too, which is something he would never do before. I also noticed during this time that his interest in me sexually was gone...and our sex life is normally good. I asked him about that and he said "he didn't know why." The past weekend he seemed even moodier and more withdrawn...almost acting like he was before I left. I have a great sixth sense and I sensed that something was up, though I didn't know what. I even had a dream he drank and I was freaked out when I woke up...i know it's because I've been worrying about his behavior. Let me emphasize that he apologized and took responsibility for all the the times he hurt me with his drinking and his porn stuff and said that he "didn't want to have to hide anything from me anymore...he didn't want to live that way." So...last night we were looking up stuff on his laptop and I noticed a word he had typed in his ****** search and I looked it up because I wasn't exactly sure I was correct in my thinking...the word was "cuckold" which for those of you who don't know, means adulteress wife. Then, when I went to type in a car dealership site, I got as far as "www." and about 4 or 5 porn websites popped up...I went and looked them up on my computer and they are all about wife swapping, adultery, swinging, etc. I told him I felt blindsided and blown away; I thought that all was over...and his response scared me, because it was the way he used to be...angry, ****** off, told me there was nothing wrong with being "curious", all he did was look up a little porn, and that I needed a therapist to talk to to see that what he was doing was normal, and it wasn't his fault I was upset, and if I feel unsettled, it's MY problem...he was cold to me, left to take a walk, he's still angry today and told me again today that "if I feel unsettled, maybe I need a therapist to talk to." I tried to explain to him that he was the one that told me: A: he has a pornography addiction that is unhealthy, B: He understood why it upset me, and C: he promised he wouldn't hide those types of things from me anymore. He made it out like I was making a big deal out of normal behavior. Today he is acting like the guy I left 5 months ago...angry, cutting, caustic, hanging up on me, yelling, etc. It's like that nice guy that communicated with me and cared about me is gone. Trust me, I'm no "wimp," I've put up with a lot of stuff and I am a strong woman...but this shattered my trust in him...and I feel stupid for putting all my faith back into him. His addictions go hand in hand and I am scared. He also used to get manic alot, and he has become very manic and obsessive with a new sport he's into (competitive skiing)...it's like nothing else matters but that; every weekend, both days of the weekend he participates in races...he has our whole month lined up and its seems like it's all he cares about; doesn't give a darn what I want to do or how I feel about anything lately. And I am very supportive, I go and cheer for him, help him with his gear, take photos, etc....so what the heck? I'm so confused, I don't know what to do since he's acting so shut out and I can't seem to get that "other guy" back...I'm not sure how to proceed, but I do know I'm done trying to talk to him about it. I do not think he is drinking...I am way too perceptive to have not noticed; I can smell one beer a mile away and since I gave up drinking to support him, I can't stand the smell of it, so I would know. What do I do now? I am scared and feel like my future is uncertain again...I was so happy not feeling that way for a few months. I would appreciate any insight; thank you so much.

     
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    Old 02-05-2008, 02:26 PM   #2
    rosequartz
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    well my answer isn't going to be as long as your post.....
    i think you know what you have to do......
    the trust is gone.....there is nothing left to hang on to.....
    not that there would be so much even if you had trust!
    Why have you put up with his bad behavior for so long?
    You will be much happier on your own.....stop struggling with this.....get him out of your life and be done with it.

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 02:49 PM   #3
    oldrocker
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    Sounds like he has bipolar disorder. If he is bipolar, he should be medicated for it, not depression. Most antidepressants can cause mania with bipolar. You should check out the bipolar board and you will find a lot of stories like yours. Tom

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 02:54 PM   #4
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    If you think he is worth fighting for then I suggest seeing a therapist together. He may be the one batteling with addictions, but maybe you both need help in learning how to cope and handle it...

    Good luck to you.

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 03:09 PM   #5
    rosequartz
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    it's possible that he's bi-polar but if he's not willing to do anything about it or if he's in denial, you're wasting your time.
    besides, being bi-polar doesn't give someone the right to abuse you.

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 03:26 PM   #6
    dawn29
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    I'm kind of in the same position that you are. Different circumstances but unhappily married too.My husband also has porn addiction, likes the local chat lines can't trust him at all! It's no way to live sweetie. Soon you'll be on medications because he is going to drive you to crazytown. I'm alost there! Trust me it exsists! if you need someone to talk to i'd be glad to help!

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 04:01 PM   #7
    happymom28
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    If there is no trust then there is no marriage. You have been down this road twice. Do you honestly, knowing EVERYTHING you know now, think the third time is going to be a charm?

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 04:17 PM   #8
    leeleelanilou
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    Hi nannie. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think everyone who has an addiction can slip up to some degree at one time or the other. If you really want to know if he's right back to 5 months ago you can put a key logger on the laptop. There are ways to have it hidden so he can't find it. I'm sure people will read me the riot act about that, but why waste your breath talking to him about it if he just yells at you? Is it the swingers & wife swapping sites that bother you so much or just the fact that's he's looking at porn again? I've heard & read that it's every guy's fantasy to be with more than one woman at the same time. Maybe it's your husband's fantasy to be a swinger. Just let him know under no uncertain terms that it will never happen as long as you're his wife. I've never had an addiction other than food so I don't know what it's like to have to completely give up something. Am I understanding you correctly by thinking that he has made an agreement with you not to look at porn at all? Could it be that he's not taking the antidepressant any more? If he's suggesting that you go to counseling, ask him to come with you. It would never hurt to try before you throw in the towel.
    Good luck to you.

     
    Old 02-05-2008, 04:35 PM   #9
    matter of time
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    Re: I finally had trust, and now it's gone again

    A leopard doesn't change his spots.

    This relationship is too much drama.

    You're only going to go through these cycles over and over again.

    Get out while you're still sane..he did not live up to your conditions for marrying him.

     
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