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  • Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

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    Old 02-12-2008, 03:25 AM   #1
    ~Tyger~
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    Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    Really need some advice here. I'm being consumed by feelings of jealousy and mistrust, and I need to get some outside perspective on whether or not this is founded, or just major insecurities of mine that I need to move past.

    I've been with my bf for about a year now. When we got together, he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 3.5 years. So we took it slow, and didn't make it official for a while so as to allow him time to move past her (he says the breakup was mutual), and so he could make a proper decision and not fly into something that could be a rebound relationship. When he did make his decision, he seemed sure, and secure in his feelings. I have known him for years and helped him through this breakup.

    Problem is.... now I'm insanely insecure about it whenever he mentions her - which is almost never, granted. But he occasionally catches up for lunch with her, and speaks on the phone to her. He doesn't inform me of this, and I don't ask. I pick it up from off-hand comments our mutual friends make. I know its not a regular thing, but still, it'd be monthly or something that they'd have contact.

    Is this ok? Or should I have a right to demand that he doesn't see her?

    I have tried to bring it up with him. I got very upset at an engagement party last weekend, when he talked to her on the phone for an hour cos she was "off-loading", as he called it. I asked who it was, and he told me openly that it was her, he didn't try to hide it. He also told me that was the first time they'd spoken in weeks.

    I didn't deal with it well. I hid my insecurity, jealousy and paranoia. I didn't talk to him about it till the next day, and he reacted by being exasperated and slightly annoyed. He said that he was disappointed, because he thought we had a secure and trusting relationship, built upon a strong foundation over our time together, and that if I really wanted him to tell me every time he saw or spoke to her, he couldn't care less either way, but all that showed was that I didn't trust him, and that was a real shame. When I pushed it a bit and got emotional, he went on to say that it wasn't his job to constantly reassure me about us, and that if I can't move past this and am going to harbor all this secret resentment towards him about it, I need to tell him now, straight up, cos in that case he'd rather not be in a relationship at all. Abrupt, yes.

    I see sense in what he said. But I can't help how I feel. He has a flirty personality in social situations, generally. And other little things that I obsess about, such as he has his profile up on a popular networking site, and he hasn't changed his status off "single" yet... and looking for "dating, friendship" Mine says "in a relationship". But then it seems so petty to ask him to change it. I think he'd see it as controlling and obsessive if I did ask him to, he reckons he never checks the site anyway, but how am i to know for sure?

    Even when he was going on about this girl that started working with him, that really annoys and irritates him, I found myself getting irritated. When he revealed that she is attractive and my age, that turned into outright, hidden jealousy again.

    I don't feel like I'm in a good mental state at all, and I need to move past this for the sake of this relationship... otherwise I can see that it could easily be the cause of its end. I don't even see him as much as I'd like to, cos he likes to have his time alone too, and I always obsess about what he's doing, who he's seeing, where he is... although I hide it and never ring or pry. Do you think this is a ME problem? Or are my feelings natural and founded?? What can I do about it?? Has anyone been in similar situations?

    Thanks for reading... please help.

     
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    Old 02-12-2008, 03:35 AM   #2
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    Firstly, his talking to his ex the way he does is not something you should just "get over". They had a serious relationship, but he is with you now, and I don't blame you for not liking this. This would be a problem for most people I think. As far as the other stuff is concerned, I think he is playing games with you and keeping one foot outside the relationship. You have a right to know if you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, and I don't think you are paranoid at all. Do not retreat into insecurity and jealousy - be assertive and demand the respect he is not, at the moment, showing you. Your feelings are valid, but turn them around and stop taking the weight. He is the one not doing the right thing. Sera

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 04:03 AM   #3
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    Hmm. It's a bit of both, and hard to say without knowing the guy. In my own relationship with my husband, I would say that it would be bad for me to be feeling the way you do because he is trustworthy, and although he does have a lot of female friends, he is so loyal and dedicated to me and I know he'd never do anything. If you know the same thing about your guy, then you probably do need to talk yourself out of those feelings if you can. BUT... without knowing him, I don't want to tell you that yes your feelings are a bit over the top, because what if he actually is quite a player? In that case they are totally valid. So it's hard to say. I think you need to strike a balance though -- work out what you really dislike and aren't comfortable with, and talk openly with him about those things. But don't obsess over every detail or you probably will make him feel suffocated and seem like you don't trust him. I don't like it that he says it's not his job to reassure you though - he should be caring enough about your feelings to want to get to the bottom of this with you and he SHOULD want to reassure you if you are feeling insecure! But then on the other hand you don't want to let him feel he has no freedom or independence from you at all. It's a tough one, but I hope talking it through on here helps you.

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 04:26 AM   #4
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    I also don't understand why he's expecting you to bear all of the weight. He's going out on lunch dates with his ex!!! And am I understanding correctly that the two of you were out on a date, a party of some sort, and he talked on the phone with her for an hour during your date?

    And you're just supposed to be okay with this???

    I wouldn't be okay with this at all, not after a year of putting my heart on hold, taking it "slow" to accommodate his needs and to make sure I wasn't just a romp in the hay and a rebound relationship. Seriously, at what point do your feelings and needs become a priority in his eyes?

    I'm assuming she's just an ex-GF. She's not the mother of his kids or an ex-wife, right? I could accept the hour-long phone call during a date at a party if it involved my guy's kids.

    Sorry, but he's destroying the relationship, not you.

    I'm speechless the two of you were at a party, together, on a date, "an item,' and he spent an hour on the phone with his ex-GF. What a pig. I would not put up with this. He should be showing you off, proud to have you on his arm at a party, not on the phone with an ex. You've invested a year in him!

    I'd quit wasting my time on him. Find a guy who's into you and doesn't make you feel guilty because he's still playing the field.

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 05:11 AM   #5
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    I'd be done too. he's making you llok like the crazy one when really he's not acting like he is in a serious committed relationship. i was on the fence about the ex thing until i read that you hear about their lunch dates through friends (how horrible) and he is willing to leave you very quickly if YOU can't get over it. Save him the trouble and leave him.

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 05:45 AM   #6
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    Be VERY upfront that this behavior is unacceptable to you. Be prepared for the fact that he might leave. You would probably be better off anyway since I don't (from what you've written) think this is a committed relationship for you. Sadly, I am a very verbal and physical person when it comes to respect and what I need......talking on the phone while at a party with you....to his EX! I would have asked him ONCE to please get off and the phone, and if he hadn't done that I would have jerked the thing out of the wall. Simple. Then, he could walked on his way.

    Mileena

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 07:53 AM   #7
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    I am married to flirt who is friends with one of his exes. I am okay with ALL of it because he helped me to be secure with all of it. He introduced me to his female friends. He didn't spend hours on the phone with them in my presence. I would say 90% of the time I was invited along to dinners, lunches, whatever, with these female friends. How are you suppose to be secure with all of this with the way HE is acting.

    You need to demand respect now and stand up for yourself. If he can't respect your feelings by not talking to his ex while on a date with you then he can't really prioritize you and your relationship higher than her and their friendship, now can he?

    You should be very well prepared for the fact that he may leave. After all, he won't be getting his way anymore. It is fine to have friends of the opposite sec, but it is just wrong to keep that life separate from your current girlfriend as he is doing. That just makes him look like he is doing something wrong even if it is all completely innocent. Are you positive the breakup was mutual? Have you ever met her before?

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 11:36 AM   #8
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    I am confused also as to why you are not included in the lunches, etc., with his ex. I don't think there's anything wrong with them still being friends per se, but he doesn't seem willing to let his worlds merge. He should be proud to include you when he sees her, maybe not every time but at least some of the time.

    It sounds a little bit like there are other things going on and that the situation with his ex is just the obvious one to be upset about. Have you asked him why his status is still single on the website? Are you looking for a long-term commitment from him and does he seem hesitant?

    The comment about his not being responsible for making you feel more secure could be interpreted more than one way. If you are in fact very clingy and insecure, he would be warranted in feeling that way, but if you are simply trying to tell him how you feel without accusing him of anything, than that seems a bit harsh, no?

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 08:27 PM   #9
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    Thanks for the replies.

    Well now I'm really confused. I really don't know what the right course of action is in this circumstance I don't know whether to speak to him about it again or not - last time I tried I only ended up feeling stupid and irrational. And he was really disappointed in the fact that I didn't trust him, he believes he hasn't given me any cause to wonder about that.

    There is something I didn't mention. I should also admit that I do catch up with my ex on occasion too - although I see it as different because we broke up almost 5 years ago, and have not shown any signs of wanting to get back together since. We had a year or two apart and then salvaged a friendship and see eachother for lunch or coffee on the odd occasion. I guess thats what he's doing too - so I feel a bit like a hypocrit. I guess I just feel uncomfortable cos he has broken up with his ex much more recently. I'm not even sure she knows about me. Some of you asked why I don't go with him to see her - well i suppose thats cos I haven't met her before and it'd be a bit odd, all three of us having lunch.

    I'm not sure what to do. I obsess to the point that on the nights i don't see him, I jump to conclusions and freak out that he's with her or something. I'm obviously not feeling secure - but I suppose he hasn't really done anything major to make me feel this way.

    When he talked on the phone to her at the party, it was a party where all of our mutual friends were, so its not like I was left alone or it was a 'date'... I'd spent the day and night before with him too, and was staying over that night. Wouldn't it have been worse if he talked to her on the phone for ages behind my back, or didn't admit who it was when I asked? He did it all pretty openly, cos he assumed i trusted him and wouldn't mind. The fact that I do makes me feel a bit immature - but like you all say, I feel he should have considered my feelings a bit more.

    Sometimes, as some of you said, it just feels like he's not 100% commited - but on the times I've tried to bring it up he's said how secure and happy he feels. He also freely talks about if we get married, and if we have kids etc etc. So he's not a major commitment-phobe or anything like that. He is one of those believers in that people should 'want' to be with one another, not 'need' to be, so we have independant lives too. I guess I'm just not as secure and trusting as he evidently is. He's 30 and I'm only 23, so maybe its the age difference, too.

    I think we have a realy good thing going but I have absolutely no idea how to get over these issues of mine.

     
    Old 02-12-2008, 09:11 PM   #10
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    I think you need to figure out what it really is that makes you feel insecure about the relationship. Perhaps you feel that he doesn't make you a priority. It sounds a little bit to me like he talks a good game about having one's own life, wanting each other vs. needing each other- but that you are simply expected to go along with it, never having an emotion other than the ones he's deemed acceptable.

    I think you are more upset about the level of commitment, as opposed to his relationship with his ex. I also don't know why it would be weird for you to join him for lunch with his ex. Your reasoning was that you had never met her... well, that's what lunch would be for. You are his girlfriend, and I would think he'd be proud to introduce you to anyone who is in his life.

    Jealousy is a pretty basic emotion, very natural. It's how we deal with it that's important. You telling him that you feel jealous or insecure is not the same thing as saying you don't trust him- unless you don't in fact trust him? If he isn't even willing to hear you out about how you feel, that seems kind of unfair. This doesn't mean you should try to tell him who he can and cannot speak to. It simply means that we should be allowed to tell our partners when we are sad, angry, hurt, jealous, happy, whatever. Just keeping it inside will make you resent him ultimately, and the problems will never be resolved.

     
    Old 02-13-2008, 06:04 AM   #11
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    Re: Is my jealousy and insecurity normal? Or am I destroying my relationship? Help.

    Honestly, I think this jealousy and insecurity you feel would be lessened quite a bit if you just met her. Like bulletproof said, that is what lunch is for. Have you actually asked to meet her, and if so, what does he say? Has he met your ex that you are friends with?

    Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to have time to yourself with your friends, but it is normal to meet your SO's friends, male or female.

     
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